I'm not sure what I'm feeling.
It's like my mind is screaming.
I smile when I see your face,
Yet feelings could be misplaced.
So I hide out in a room;
Thinking of things in this gloom.
How do I choose what is true,
When I just barely know you?
It's just that...
These kisses just mean nothing,
But all the things they can mean.
Played out like a fairytale,
Just that this love can still fail.
I guess that I'm holding out
Just because I'm filled with doubt.
So sorry...
Don't you let me get confused,
That's when feelings are abused .
I know that I sound absurd;
Trust that I mean all these word.
It's like my soul is calling.
I know that I'm not falling.
How long we been together?
Do feelings last forever?
It's just that...
These kisses still mean nothing,
But your eyes can make me sing.
My heart has now been captured;
I feel it beating faster.
So this life has come around,
No longer just falling down.
Guess that I can make it through,
And yet, it's hard to tell you...
Author notes
I think the piece is about the progression of feelings when somebody enters a relationship. Like how we start out unsure if things are going to make it, but trying to be optimistic, and then slowly they start to think of the person in a more personal and intimate way, regarding the relationship more highly. This is partially based off of personal experience.
Just felt like saying, also, that this is the first love poem I've written. I'm not so certain how good it actually is, but I was satisfied it turned out like it did considering it was a first.
A contest entry
- I'm sick of crappy contests... by jmk8602.
1750 points, ended June 22, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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When Love Can't Speak-
I hate to be harsh, since his is your first love poem, but I like to be honest when I leave comments in my contests. The piece is very cliche. If you wanted a word-bank for every cliche love/heartbreak poem out there, it would look like: gloom, soul, doubt, together, forever, feelings... etc.
If you want advice, lose the rhyme, all it will do is constrain you. Start over, and let your emotions rule your words. Don't write what you know about love and heartbreak (its sad, it hurts etc.) write what you don't know. Come into the piece holding nothing back, and you might surprise yourself. -
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Well, this comment is completely welcome; like I said above, I was asking for constructive criticism so that I could improve on my writing.
Actually, I pretty much had a feeling the piece was cliche when I was writing it, but considering it's not a topic I normally write on, I had a hard enough time trying to write it in the first place.
And, as far as getting rid of the rhyme, I have most of my poetic experience with non-rhyming pieces, so that is also something else I would need more experience with. However, I like all the advice you gave, it seemed reasonable enough, and I don't really consider what you said to be harsh anyways, it was all honest criticism. So thanks for that.
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It is pretty good for a first love poem, i don't know what my first one was but i doubt it was this good.
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Thanks for the comment. I was glad it turned out as good as it did, but I'm still doubtful that it's actually pretty good.
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you're so brilliant,
it makes me want to cry
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Awe thanks, that makes me smile.
I'm glad you liked it so much.
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