Good morning, beautiful girl; wake up, it's a brand new day.
The sun peeked over the purple mountain as your thoughts lead you off.
A phone rang; who could be calling this early? Oh, yes, your girlfriend.
You had forgotten about her, hadn't you? You were thinking about me.
Your astonishing blue hair didn't shine so bright when you were with her.
No, you loved me. You were in love with me. I was in love with you.
[I am in love with you.]
So please, tell me why we aren't together. Please, tell me why...
We talk for hours, we make each other happy. You make me so happy.
[I will always be happy with you.]
You didn't even say goodbye; you just moved back to your old life.
You pulled yourself out of school without saying a word to me.
[Worry, worry, worry.]
A week went by, no word from my blue-haired, acne-faced lover.
I call, I call, I call. No answer, I give up. You're gone.
Goodbye, beautiful girl. Forever will you be in my shattered chest.
[♥]
Author notes
I hope this is impressive enough, but if it's not, I won't feel bad.
This is from my heart, although I couldn't bring myself to truly write out my emotion clearly. It would have hurt to much right now since the wound is still largely open.
k e l s i l o v e
A contest entry
- A Challenging Frenzy of Emotion by Jade Rain.
700 points, ended June 25, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want you to write something PROFOUND. (My very first contest) by Nutrition.
900 points, ended June 13, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites & critiques by aeolia.
400 points, ended September 12, 87 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - To Be Put On My Favorites List by Ted E Bare.
400 points, ended October 15, 249 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What could change?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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This is one poem that shows the love you felt {feel} for the one that has hurt you so much. From not knowing what happen, to just living or trying to live your life.
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I can tell you are in pain (as it brought back memories for me with my first true love whom I never had closure with until years later when we hooked up again, the circumstances were different as she said she was not going to let me go this time and had to break it to her that even though I had feelings for her still, I had someone else that I couldn't break her heart lkie mine was shattered...all that was probably more than you or anyone needed to know). I generally respond to entries how they make me feel and that's what you got! I want to thank you for your entry into the following contest: "To Be Put On My Favorites List."
Ted E
PS: Your entry has been blessed by the three wise clappers, but don't spend the whole nine points in one place(lol)!
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This was an iffy write for me. I'm not sure I liked the structure, but I did like the flow and emotions in this. I think with more line seperation this would be more flow off the tongue and easier to read aloud. Great job, and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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No.
Lovely write though! Just not quite what I'm..hm..hard to explain. The rhyme throws me off -
eyy, baby. I wish I were there right now to help you through this. Liz'll be back, I promise. You two had something none of us could comprehend and this poem really shows it. My fave lines:
Goodbye, beautiful girl. Forever will you be in my shattered chest.
[♥]
You used my heartbox thing, awwh. I think it works quite nicely as an effect and the spuratic puncuation is very sweet almost. I love you Kels! Cheer up. -
The very first detail i noticed was your color scheme- it's simple and elegant, easy to read, and classy. First impressions count!
"No, you loved me. You were in love with me. I was in love with you.
[I am in love with you.]"
I think those lines (along with many others!) are so beautiful! I really got into this, and your words seemed to flow together to create a flaweless story. However, I feel like you gave up at the very end. It doesn't seem like you were ready to say good-bye, but you had nothing else to say. Or you are denying it. [I could be wrong] But I had a feeling you were holding back, and your author's note confirmed it.
I know I don't know you or what you're going through and you might disagree with the following, but please listen:
We writers- our power is in our words. We write to say something or because we don't know what to say. Explore your confusion and hurt- it sucks. Many does it suck right now [for me too, believe me] but understanding your pain, or attempting to, is better than ignoring it and pretending it's something else. Embrace yourself, embrace your pain, and you'll become someone so much more- stronger. And I believe you are strong, as strong as your beautiful words. It'll get better.
You did very well, and I wish you luck. Remember what I said, even if you don't listen, okay? <3 -
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Thank you VERY much for your comment. It meant a lot to me since you actually took the time to analyze it. Thanks again :]
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I love yours better, not only because it doesn't rhyme (I am so tired of rhyming), but it has more emotion in it.
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Awh, I love reading your rhyming. I think you & Damien are the only ones I can handle reading because you're both so good at it :] thank you though!
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Amazing.
I can relate to this, extremely. =] -
I like the way you write..it's like astory but in a poem prespective..I like!yes very good teen poem!I would love your advice on my poems?comment them would be great xD
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