I look at him,
Waiting for words.
"Come,let's go!"
I grab his arms,
Try to yank him up.
He won't move.
"GOD?"
I Beg for mercy,
For anyone to tell me I was wrong.
But it only starts to rain more.
"Danny,please I beg you,get up!"
I start to cry,
Harder and harder.
"DANNY?"
I scream louder,
I slap his face.
I sit there out of shock.
Footsteps amerge.
I look behind me.
"He won't wake up?"
I'm confused.
They look at me.
He comes towards me,
Tries to pick me up.
" What..what are you doing?"
"Danny..Dannys there.."
"HELP HIM!"
The sound of gun shots becomes louder.
He picks me up,
Pulls my hand.
Tears run down my cheek,
I become inraged.
I fight his strength,
As I run towards Danny,
Pain staggers through my body..
I fall to the ground in pain.
I look at Danny..
I crawl with all my strength,
Towards him.
I see them coming,
The people closer for every second.
I keep crawling,
They spot me.
He takes his gun once again,
He aims at me right at the head.
I crawl faster,
Heart beating,
Sweat dripping.
Bang.
A contest entry
- tell me the pain/pleasure of your life. by black-phenoqu.
995 points, ended July 17, 71 entries
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550 points, ended July 14, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AHH emotions and choices! by Shades of Pale.
516 points, ended July 17, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Walk To Remember [A couple of options] by XxNinjaNemoxX.
700 points, ended July 24, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love or Don't Love by Violent Glass.
675 points, ended July 25, 34 entries
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680 points, ended October 20, 29 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything Goes! by Karra-Mayy.
1600 points, ended November 21, 321 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Needs to be fixed the stupid poem!sounds more like a story than a poem:/sowei!comment though!;)
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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if this sounds empty and emotionless, I'm sorry...just know that I really mean what I'm about to say...I mean it with all the pieces of my shattered glass heart...
It's got great imagery. You showed emotion well. It doesn't matter that it's more like a story than a poem. That's why epic poetry came about. Poetry that tells a story.
I'm sorry that's kinda...college professor-ish but it's all the encouragement I can muster...
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Oh My
wow the imagrey is great and the you showed great emotions it was like i was there. keep up the good work your amazing
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excellent
that has a lot of drama in it, really dramatic.
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wow reading this again makes me think again that this is one entry that i wont delete. i liked the emotion. i think you deserve to stay in this contest.
xxx
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Complete Suspense!!
My God that's fantastic! Very sad, indeed. Reading, I could imagine a war, a fallen friend and untimely death to a great hero... simply epic and beyond my words. I cannot express the feeling I got from reading with even an eighth of my poetry. Baffling, and I am NOT "just saying that" nor am I exaggerating... this is art all in itself.
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i liked it
it doesnt need to be fixed well done x -
wow this was very painful to read. I really liked the style of it, with the talking and everything it made it flow nicely. great poem.
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Hi
This poem is amazin n its Beautiful. U did a great job on it Keep da ink flowing. Ure poetry is amazn n NO its not Stupid Its ALsome..
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ops
forgot something to say, xD terrific poems hahaha
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wow
O.o whoa, that poems is just....O.O i'm lost for words. Thats just sad! -
o my god!! this is brilliant!
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Interesting
I really like this one. Its keeps me interested and makes me want to keep on reading. Favorite line in all is: "Pain staggers through my body.." I personally think it is what sum up everything thats happening...Everything so fast and moving...many different emotions...I like it...
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It's strong indeed.
Which option did you choose?
I can only guess that it is option 2.
However, a great entry.
xoxo. -
Wow, this is very strong, it really hit me and makes me think. i could reall feel the pain shooting through me as i was reading, its scarey really (not in a bad way). I love it
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Sorry... but.
IT WAS GREAT!
LOLL! -
Good
this actually does sound good for a poem. Maybe a little revising but still good.
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'I sit there out of shock.
Footsteps amerge.
I look behind me.
"He won't wake up?"
I'm confused.
They look at me.'
THis part is the strongest of it all.
A very sad write, I can feel the pain.
thanks for entering,
good luck.
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'I sit there out of shock.
Footsteps amerge.
I look behind me.
"He won't wake up?"
I'm confused.
They look at me.'
THis part is the strongest of it all.
A very sad write, I can feel the pain.
thanks for entering,
good luck.
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I think this has potential, and maybe you could rewrite and use each line as an outline and then write more imagery for each, because its lacking a little, and its a bit cliche. It could be stronger with more emotion though. Message me if you do edits, and maybe re enter. Read my favs though, and see what I mean.
Thanks though for your time, just not what I was looking for!
WritingFree -
Oh My!
I think this is another genius poem. The struggle for the narrator to get to the person she cares for is so amazing. Vivid imagery and wouldn't expect anything less. -
the end is good. just "bang", your dead the end.
the people in seem to come out of no-where though. were you and Danny being chased? -
wow. I could see the whole event in my minds eye, almost as if I was watching a movie. Very sad and vivid write. Good job.
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*tear* god, that is sad. and extremely well-written. love it.
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wow this poem is definately filled with pain!!! it is written very nicely!!! smileys!!!
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Great poem! Story sounding is called prose! Still a poem ;-) x x awesome imagery in this!
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A true cliff hanger
It kept me on the edge of my chair for sure this is a very good write
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Heartfelt storyline but you are right it is not styled like a poem.. more metaphors maybe more descriptive.. nice try though keep it up
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I think that this has a lot of potential as a story line, maybe use this as a story outline but for each line use imagery and metaphors to describe it and then continue to tell the story.
It could use some work though. A good start!
WritingFree -
very good
yes I agree you should finish it and go on to say how that made you feel after the tears run down your cheek and so on you are left in shock as to what just happened you are devasted
Keep writing I encourage you this is a very good beganning the end you can add more to your poem other than that it's great write . Good job sweetie!
blessing
Sharon
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I really liked it. You made it sound really realistic. If it was a book i'd read it lol. Good poem. Btw iv added you as a favirate hope you don't mind. jas. xx
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wow...im speechless, this is amazing and i loved every word, it flows and even though it sounds a little like a story i really loved it. Amazing
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I sense where this is going, but, as you say, its unfinished.
You have a lot of emotion shown well here. The style of writing is contemporary free verse, and i am no expert on it. However ido like what you write.
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this sent a chill as i also held a brother called danny in my arms as he passed over is that he who sent me to this page i wonder as a tear rolls down my face and my glasses fog over this rocked me to the core i can say no more for now. peace and love glenn
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Emotion Evoking!
Wow - this is riveting. I really like it. You captured my attention.. -
wow thats a sad poem
i almost cryed reading your poem
i love how you captured the emotion
GREAT JOB!!
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omg i would so love to turn this into a story! your right it does sound more like a story but so what. its an awesome start to what could be a really good book! what you could do to make this more poem like is to give a definite ending. do something like (you can use this if you want) she froze mid-step, feeling a shooting pain in her back that suddenly melted away. haha when in doubt make your characters die. this would actually make a really good civil war poem (or something along those lines). you do whatever you want with it! poetry is all about expressing your self and ideas!
p.s. line 22: shots not shoots. haha typo!
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