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egg coloured

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

she said dawn was egg coloured

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard several words
bundled together
that almost made sense

 

she even laid expressions
on the bedroom floor
and with my lack of understanding
she separated them
in the hope I’d lay down too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

she experimented
with concepts of echoed light
in early hours

but I always found
first blush too late for me

and despite how
I twisted and turned
those first moments of orange
through my fingers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew it would never fit
inside an egg cup

 





In a list

A contest entry

.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • amaranthine lover gold member
    July 21

    Edit | Reply

    21.9 / 25

    Just missing a period here: "
  • in the hope I’d lay down too"
  •  
  • Besides that, well done!


  • perfectsunset gold member
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was a very abstract and
    metaphorical piece, filled with such
    beautiful portrayals. You worded it
    brilliantly, for the utmost effect.

    Best wishes in the contest

  • A-muse-in-writer
    July 3

    Edit | Reply

    Loved it

    Love it, something so deep within this piece, almost as if the descriptions are the veneer to a masterpiece rather than part of the work itself. like ... your poem had far more meaning then words could suggest. Hard to describe the impression.

  • J Macabre gold member
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    Christ your profound. Inspiring too at times. Alright...finaly adding you as a favorite. Your pretty good. Your works always make me think.

  • Topnotchsy
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    Extremely vivid colors and imagery here, I absolutely love the opening line!! The responses you gave to earlier comments also helped me gain a little more insight than I had reading myself.


  • whitecoffee
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed this, too. I could see her on the bedroom floor...glad I got to read your work, I aspire to it.


  • PinkeyPromise
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    wow thats really good!

    ~Divine~


  • Cyanide Dreams
    June 11

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this was nicely done. I didn't know the colour of an egg could be filled with so much imagery. Just goes to show that anything can be done in poetry. I loved your use of metaphors in this and I liked your imagery. I think though, that the line breaks are a bit in weird places, kind of throwing off the flow a bit. I mean, I like the structure, but reading this aloud.. it kind of throws off the flow. This is fantastic though. Great job

    Josh


    • silverscent gold member
      June 14
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks. I know, I wanted to choppy flow to emphasise the lack of understanding and the misconstrued ideas and concepts that feature in the write. I was hoping the hindered flow would mimic the difficulty in explaining the idea of "dawn being egg coloured."

      Thanks for your feedback.


  • DancingRed
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely done. I'm enjoying all this egg imagery - "laid" is a clever word to include.

    Perhaps the first line could be further separated from the next stanza - a little extra space, a greater pause, allowing the reader to contemplate more fully the beautifully absurd imagery present in that opening line.

    Perhaps more words could be taken out, purging the piece of any unnecessary words that don't seem to add too much. I'm not sure what you think, but perhaps the 'but' of the second line could be taken out, as well as 'her' in the fifth line.

    Instead of 'in the early hours' you could try 'in early hours'. And I'm not too keen on how you repeat the word 'hours' in consecutive lines, but then again I can't really think of a better word to go there.

    Your subtle use of colour works well. The absurdity of the imagery makes the piece almost humorous, and yet there is a definite feeling of melancholy to these words. You deliver something thoughtful without it seeming too heavy.

    xx


    • silverscent gold member
      June 14
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your feedback. It's much appreciated. I've looked at the areas you mentioned and edited accordingly.

  • A Prophet of 3 gold member
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    this maybe not really suited for a vignette, but could better flow together in verse ... (as i read it, and reads well)


    • silverscent gold member
      June 10
      Edit | Reply
      I'm editing after posting... the vignette form was there from the draft and I forgot to remove it.

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