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Servant

Smelling the burned bodies of death

walking through fields of river red

making my way out of hell

this day my story to tell

 

A core soaked in screams and pain

this life no longer a game

sinking into my mindless crime

damned a soul for an endless time

 

-feed this evil greed

-seeking to quench it's thirst

-filling this hatred hunger

-flying with lightning and thunder

 

A servant to commands

chained by oath and weapons in hand

destruction was the path mapped out

walked my course of fear and doubt

 

Slipping into darkened shadows

leaving behind graves dug shallow

no names where left to be told

this part was never to unfold

 

-feed this evil greed

-seeking to quench it's thirst

-filling this hatred hunger

-flying with lightning and thunder

 

What I thought was real

a life helpless no longer feels

now a carved hollow shell

find my cross, my hands to nail

 

Everything I know ends

my soul is cold it will not mend

yesterday is gone, too tired of looking back

loneliness is now my bought and paid pack

 

-I feed the evil greed

-it's thirst I did quench

-filled this hatred hunger

-I flew with lightning and thunder

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

  • Unbound
    June 10
    Edit | Reply

    Liked it

    It speaks to me a very apt description of the desperate life of an addict.

  • Rootless
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    I feel that you conveyed everything conveyable in the first half of the poem, so from there it just sort of drags on. If the poem was shorter I probably would have said that you have made some pretty good insites. It is a good poem, don't get me wrong, I just feel like it kind of ran out of energy halfway through, but you had a certain will to keep it alive. I myself am guilty of this on more occasions than creating something well, especially working with certain schemes.


  • wbiro gold member
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    let's see, 'death' and 'hell'... a fantasy piece right off the bat... (you would not be a rapper- keeping it 'real') (though their 'real' is bogus, when you get right down to it)...

    unless, you are using these fantasy notions as metaphors... yes, I think that's what you are doing... now let's see what your piece is about...

    a soured relationship? that's what it seems at first... then the guns- so a piece espousing that old idealistic, cliche, naive, and liberal anti-military mindset... (yes, ideas can be cliche, too, just like metaphors) (and why does that mindset only pop up in the free world, I ask every cliche-minded liberal who doesn't have a clue)... (sorry I'm being so hard on you! but if you want to write good poetry, you need some deep thinking behind it- for no matter how well you write and how cool your metaphors (though here I can tell that you are new to writing poetry, as well as to life), if you mind is mush, guess what? You guessed it, all that fine writing will be mush, too...)

    so you made a stab at the liberal heart in the political arena... what is that old saying, "if you're young and you are not liberal, you don't have a heart; if you're old and you are not conservative, you don't have a mind."

    You'll have an interesting anthology if you keep these early writings, provided you do grow old and wise (which, for any of us, is not guaranteed, especially the wise part)...

    so three clappies for putting your mind out here for critique... (for guess what- that IS a key element to poetry, in spite of what most people think, and here you have done it); as for a critique, consider yourself a recipient...

    and... this poem will have value as an exhibit of the young mindset of this era in history... (probably an exhibit of the damage done by idealistic liberalism in the free world...)

    well, keep 'em comin', for if your heart and mind have a need to write poetry, such critiques as this will not hinder them... you have a lot of life to go through, so why not poeticize it? (but know, you will bounce through life like a pinball... consider this as just another bumper...)


  • SandraMVeinot
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    We are indeed all servants, it does us well if we be servant to the Lord Jesus Christ.For then nothing is impossible to us.

    Now I thank you for the read, it strangely refreshed my memory and my faith.

    have a nice evening.