I would write you a song but the
piano's out of tune and the keys
love to stick, and if I plunked
it out just for you, I'd keep my
head down the whole time, eyelashes
rimming the blue worlds spinning
as they looked at the page, wanting
every note to be just right.
all I try to say gets tangled in
radio waves and that choke of
emotion people get in their throats
when they begin to cry.
but I would write you
dozens of songs,
one a day for a year or
more; I promise I would.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Very good work.
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i love the video that goes with this, you did an awesome job. i love these lines;
I'd keep my
head down the whole time, eyelashes
rimming the blue worlds spinning
awesome write.
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the most important thing to remember is that the simplest things to say are usually the hardest to dress up.
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This is a cute piece. I do like the style. It has a sort of classic feel that is endearing and plays like a short movie in your head as you read it through. My only suggestion is to perhaps break up that first stanza into two somewhere. Maybe breaking it right before “eyelashes” and starting the next with “My eyelashes” OR…taking the last two stanzas and making it one longer one. It just seems a bit off with one large stanza and two small laid that way, but just a thought.,
The video reading of this is decent and I sort of love the soft smile I can feel as you read the piece. One thing I did notice was that the sound fluctuates with “but the
piano's out of tune”, I’m not sure if you noticed that, but other than that the reading is nicely done and I do find the poem strangely alluring, it haunts me just a bit.
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you are so very good in expressing emotions through your words, thank you for entering
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dayumm
this is beautiful! especially with the video, I told you before, you have a beautiful voice.
I can see why this is one of your personal favs, it's so sweet and pretty and just stunning
♥
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Nice poem
I love the opening stanza
Thank you and best wishes
Julie -
awwwww...this is really cute...and somehow playful! i like it...
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wow.
this is a wonderful write.
thanks so much for entering.
good luck -
yesyesyes
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this is a very nice poem
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this was awesome! i loved thsi piece! keep up the good work! thanks for entering and godo luck in my contest!
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God, I love this.
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Great!
This makes me happy. The View in this piece is what I love, and I haven't seen it in a while. It is defiantly all you. I want more as fantastic as this! Get on it. I command you!
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yes
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yesss.
this is beautiful.
i love it (:
♥ -
yes, yes.
hm, but i'm wondering who this is.
ap name in an? -
damn, you're so talented. i love this.
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oh yes.
please wait for the other judges comment. -
This is gorgeous.
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the second stanza is incredible, and i love the connection between the beginning and the last.
but gosh girl, much you be so excellent with three stanzas? not fair
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you're scandelous.
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i love this whole thing.
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