Do you remember when you stopped believing in fairy tales?
Do you remember that moment, when you stopped, and the realisation hit you that there is no happily ever after, no Prince Charming, no love at first sight.
I remember. It was that night I sat up, staring at the inky black sky and smoking, when she came running up to me, and I could see, I could see her crumbling before my very eyes. Every fibre was being crushed inside of her as it dawned on her that you were like....every....other.....man.
I held her, I felt her tremble, and the tears continually stream down her perfect porcelain cheeks for a seeming eternity.
I remember her trying to choke out her words, suffocating from the pollution you gorged her with. She just lay on the prickly lush grass, a soft breeze swimming across the otherwise humid hill, the moon creamy and blurred beneath the thin clouds that glided across the perfect sky, adding a grey tinge to that perfect midnight blue. There were stars glittering, dotted around, twinkling, as if mocking.
That night I felt like I could reach up and claw out the sky, scratch it until all that remained was a blank starched canvas, so we could start again and erase the mess.
I wanted to curl up into the grass, for it to envelope itself and snake over me like an over sized blanket, take me away from this mess, from this crumbling crushed girl next to me.
Her deep blue sapphires appeared to be fading as each tear screamed its way out of her, I could see her visibly shrinking and withering before my very eyes.
I wanted to hide her, take away her pain, her hurt, and take it as far away as possible.
Author notes
paperchainhearts
optionfour.
A contest entry
- Make Me Feel Baby by KelsBabez.
700 points, ended June 10, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - suddenly I found myself touching solid ground, and the unexpected pleasure of it broke my mind. (prose only) by JinSays.
601 points, ended June 23, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - invite only. by whiterabbit..
650 points, ended August 27, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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The first line has so much power in it and really hit me with nostalgia. I love the descriptions throughout this and the imagery is just so vivid and amazing.
There were a few things I noticed, though. The first sentence should probably have a question mark at the end of it. "Realisation" is spelled "realization". I think "happy ever after" should be "happily ever after". Also, I was thinking that the structure might look better if you separated the paragraphs. It's obviously your choice, though.
This has so much real emotion in it and the way that you've written it makes it so easy to relate to. I really love that.
This is truly wonderful.
<3
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Thank you. However, I live in England so we spell realisation differently. I did double-check as well. However if you wish I will change it.
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you don't have to change it
I didn't know that it was spelled differently in England. Thanks for responding and letting me know that.
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I didn't know it was spelt differently either until I googled it
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that's funny
<3
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I remember her trying to choke out her words, suffocating from the pollution you gorged her with. She just lay on the prickly lush grass, a soft breeze swimming across the otherwise humid hill, the moon creamy and blurred beneath the thin clouds that glided across the perfect sky,
Her deep blue sapphires appeared to be fading as each tear screamed its way out of her, I could see her visibly shrinking and withering before my very eyes.
damn.
Love,
jin -
Beautiful!
The images written here are stunning. There are a few tenses errors but they are not cause for alarm because of the intense beauty of the moments you allowed to pass before the readers eyes. Again, I say, beautiful! I wish you well in the challenge.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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I really like the imagery of the pressure. This line got me a lot, "Her deep blue sapphires appeared to be fading as each tear screamed its way out of her."
And the whole comment about the sky really touched me.
Great work.
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I loved it
nicely done
some spots needed a better flow
good luck -
Whoo
Nicely done
Very sad.
But good.
I liked the whole "the moon creamy and blurred..." bit. Tres bon.
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I hate when that happeneds. I think we all lose that lackluster after awhile for fairytales, but i mean there is nothing real about them except the feeling we get when we read them. I have gotten used to not having love at first sight and for things to be messed up i like the challenge of life now...anyways i think this is an amazing story/poem and it is amazing....much <3....scars.
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