My thoughts are composed
mostly of hummingbirds,
like the way my favorite
radio station turns to static
when I leave the city limits.
I can still make sense of it,
but only just. And I'd rather
not, for I'm prone to migraines,
and I'd rather not have that
aura - the one that warns me
that I'll explode with drear
and misery, and those awful
hallucinations I had when I was
young. But the "chh-schh-chhh"
drives me just insane enough
to cling, to hope that something
better might find me in all its
clarity. I know I should change
the dial to something more
local, but it lingers in my
speakers maybe a touch longer
than it should. I'm not decisive
enough to switch the station,
because my favorite song was
up next and the only other channel
I know is NPR. Lonely. Real.
Too familiar. And before I know it,
I've got this tear forming in the outer
corner of my left eye, the kind that
visits when you'd rather it didn't,
but you're too tired to fight it.
I could turn around and find my
way back home, but you see, I
told myself that you'd had your last
chance, because I'm tired of
blinking you away. And,
can't you see? I'm trying to find a
way to tell you that I'm through
with you, for the static is imprecise
and deafening. The static has
torn my shell to shreds.
Author notes
It's a new style for me. Let me know if it works.
Does the metaphor work?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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The metaphor works perfectly, I think. Though choosing to leave you still cling to the familiar, the station with the static, the lover who isn't quite the right one, but instead the one who brings you down. The form is different and though it seems like a rambling story at first, it is far too poetic to be prose, perhaps some changes in meter and line breaks would make it better in that respect, but I'm no expert in that arena. I just know that I quite enjoyed it and I felt like I had read a very good poem.
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it is a different form than i've read before, but it's neat. the only thing i don't quite understand is in the last two stanzas. first you write about it being his last chance, but in the last stanza it says you're through with him. maybe change up the wording a little bit.
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you're right, thanks for being so attentive. i changed a few things.
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At first I didn't like really like it for poetry. But I think that it had a different sort of cadence to it that does totally fall into poetry, and despite it's obvious bit of ranting feeling emotionally, I thought that it was carried off quite well. The only bit I'd say is that I didn't think that your last two stanzas were as strong as the rest of the piece. But other than that bit I really enjoyed it. Good work. I think it's a nice write.
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nothing worse than static playing a throbbing drum with the inner ear ... nice job explaining why you must find an ending. The only other out i can see is insanity ...
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Well, I'll take a shot at it if you really want that.
I won't say things that you are probably used to hearing on the comments.
I think this flows more like a story, instead of a poem....and that's perfectly fine. I just think that if you wrote it in more of a paragraph style, like a short story, it would be great.
Others may disagree with me, and I am definately not an expert of any style of poetry. I just try to give honest comments from my heart.
The story line is worth reading and I would like to hear more!
Allexis
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