Everything and Nothing and Nonsense

A

"Don't say that- its offensive" justpleasestop my eyes are begging you.

Comments litter our halls and I ask so many t imes to watch what you say, because words hurt, and they pierce and they burn.

Everyone just yells at me even though after awhile some times they listen to me and stop saying some of it, but so many cheeks will freeze me into broken, and just act like I don't know anything, like I'm exactly like the words they are spewing left and right, like liking the sound of a word better than realising that the noises echoing in the night are someone crying because that was all it took to crack them wide open.








B

      I'm a writer- and my tone deaf poetry is packed with emotion and words that uttered in the real world would end with me shunned and probably hated more than I already am.


'Words have the power to shatter too heavy stars into little pieces, I've learned to inhale and take inside my lungs and keep from breathing out. Words strip me down to my veins because everytime someone reads what I write the emotion is so damn personal, even if the experience is borderline truth."








*C

Loving someone means being vulnerable and that's like running blasted ankles all the way to the top of a resevoir that promises to wash away all those hazy memories, and being out of breath and almost losing your lungs on the way. And then forgetting yourself at the bottom, and having to run all the way down again to get that and the memories.







A
Sometimes I wish life was simple- like finding snakes tangled up in raspberry patches, and knowing enough to be afraid, like climbing through threadbare boards into platforms built into trees and feeling satisfaction when that opening has to be covered up out of danger for toddler baby boys, because you are strong enough to make it to the heights the hard way, and survive.




B

Sometimes I wish I knew what simple was- that having sisters who'd kill for me and the best parents in the world, and the sweetest brother whose borderlilne autistic but that only comes across as being weak to the stupid people at his school- could be enough.





C1

But its not and it never will be. Not when watching wrinkles form and eyes learn lightening stained tears at nine years old because heartbeats seemed to be fading all around me, felt like the story of my life.  Not when since forever I was obsessed with learning about our family members who had died in my lifetime- the people who everyone loved who became lost while they found me, when I was born and after.
Not when I always felt bad for smiling, even though somewhere someone I loved was crying because someone else had died, again. 



C2

Not when someone or another was always sick- not when I was so full of germs that people just had to keep dying, not when I felt guilty because no matter how many times I washed my hands people I didn't even knew seemed to fall from perched comets into the dust.



C3

    Not since elevator shafts and childhood games broke apart the scotch tape shingles dervied from my kindergarten best friend, not when she forgot to say goodbye to me before Spring break, not when she lied to me when she said she was coming back. Not when you're five, and best friends are everything, not when she determined how I valued everyone around me for the rest of my life.









A
"It's just a joke, relax it doesn't matter. It's just a game ' skips through childhood and plays into every hopscotch game and hide and seek tag. Games seems like the 'in a nutshell' description of childhood isn't it, its the base for the idea of innocence , because when you're little kids who wins chutes and ladders doesn't really matter.




B

Being five ladybugs and skipping two bars on the monkey bars and practicing in the morning before the teacher comes out and yells, and before anyone can see so the finale at recess will be just right- is the religious reverence we paid to every day.
Falling on angle hips from just rained metal structures before it was time to fly across neon blue bars is just as easily forgotten as it was to live.



C1

Games always seem to be the murder of innocence- its the anti climax, the opposite of innocence in the cerulean dominos of my childhood. Tag was the game that chased blackberry pixie hair cuts and a smile I can't really remember anymore, into an abyss, into where there was suposed to be a elevator but wasn't, and a game pushed the buttons that caused the chords to wire themselves to crushing her. Games killed my best friend- and the first bit of innocence I ever knew.


C2

Playing in the dark and turning out the lights and whispering 'idon'tlikethisgamepleasestop' undershadowed some larger picture of the games that drew tattoos across my spines, ones of growing up and drawings I never ever wanted to see.  Games of 'just do it' and 'it doesn't matter' hang in the gliding airshafts behind my eyes, and it was the basis of childhood that destroyed my innocence. It was the reason for years people asked me about childhoods and before I learned to be a good liar, so I just told them unwary truths "I didn't have one." 


C3   
  I didn't know how true it was- that the basis of innocence would betray me, and I'd learned to trust no one because everyone would try to break me, and nothing could save me because everything hurt.









A

All I ever wanted was to protect little girls like me who learned that family members can't keep her safe so why s hould she believe them calling her beautiful. I only wanted to help barefoot till she's seven memoir child who learned that guys just wouldn't fall for her becaue s he wasn't enough after she grew up, and in sixth grade that she couldn't be pretty so there was no reason to even try. I wanted to protect little girls who wouldn't go anywhere in public without hiding behind something because anyone out there was liable to try to shatter her, to drag her galaxies down to bonfires and gasoline, because anyone was fair game to point out how she was ugly to everyone in public.

B

How do you go so far to avoid anyone hurting someone else- to avoid casual words slicing veins metaphorically and literally, how do you do everything to stop those carousels from taking off and then end up with everyone hating you?

Sometimes I wish I could pour myself into words, into rememberings, into 'just stand in my shoes, please and see me' so teenagers broken by their own experiences could see that adding more pain to copper pots just burns more bones when we grow up.

How do I show them that three years of a trail led by "Makeup just shows up how ugly she is" and " Ew, she's just gross " boys, and "Brush your hair and you could be pretty" and " Do this and this and this and this and you could maybe be pretty" girls- cause  ninth grade to still hurt sometimes, because scars don't fade from hurting, just visibility?



C

It's so easy to see me as a bitch and a white girl who doesn't know what it's like to cry herself to sleep at night when that's all I've ever known, except I'm too afraid of letting God in to actually cry. Why is it so hard to understand that maybe I'm not socially stupid, that even past knowing I was pushing everyone away and turning people off- that's what I wanted because then I could believe no one could hurt me?

C2

Why is it so difficult to cope with the possibility that I wasn't just messed up but not worth helping when no one was beneath me trying to help them in some way whether it be through school or anything- but that everything about me is damaged?

C3
I'm just so goddamn scared and it makes me cry and hyperventialte and want to scream forever because everyone hears my words and hear what I'm saying except not quite.






A

No one hears "Don't say retarded it's offensive" as "don't hurt me,I break" or using "That's so gay attributes a negative connation to gay that shouldn't be there" as 'I don't know what I am,and let me keep believing if I figure out I'm personally a taboo of society you will try to accept me."

    No one hears my crying between the words, and the suffocation drowning out my winter legs and summer ribs, no one ever seems to hear or see that- and worse, no one cares- because its so much easier to judge me.



B

Maybe- I'm pushing everyone away because letting anyone in is the scariest fucking thing that could happen to me- maybe trusting anyone to not hurt me is the first step in breaking myself of isolation and dtoxing.

Maybe also I have to fight every cause becaue then when I fall into blankets at night, I can push myself so far that I'm too tired to dream, and wake up with tears on my face, not knowing if they are real or made up.

Maybe I believe so strongly in saving everyone around me because  I think I lost the battle for myself a long long time ago and saving someone else could mean I get a second chance at rescuing me.





C1

When I'm not burnt out from saving the world- when I'm not battling depression and finding myself because nothing is easy and simple and making sense- I'm afraid to fall asleep.

I don't trust God to keep my hips and bones intact so I don't believe in him, I believe in a Goddess. Because the point of a mother is to take care of you right, and my mommy is actually a really good mom, so a Goddess can save me from nightmares.

C2
    Voices illuminate my dreamd with people I'm supposed to save but no magic ever works and I always fail and people always die because I make them sick. I'm always toxic- and I'm never fast enough to save everyone I love, and they always start to die, and I have to watch and its scary because everything is as if it could be real.






C3

Once I was sleeping and my puppy went crazy or maybe it was a horse I loved and she had rabies and was trying to kill us and I was crying and I couldn't breathe in my sleep because I heard about how they  have to shoot an animal with rabies who tries to kill its people,  because its dangerous. It's how they safe lives. It's what I'm always afraid of about my puppy who I called my sister when my real sisters went to college and my god sister decided she didn't believe in my anymore. Living near creeks and dogs that howl at the moons and sound like coyotes and rattlesnakes that chase me in my living nightmares, my puppy whose actually old now, could get sick and then I'd have to hurt her.


        In my dream she tried to bite and kill everyone but me and she was my dog so they made me try to kill her but then she turned into my baby girl, who stood still so I could pull myself up when I sprained my ankles and collapsed. She was crying and loving me and kissing me and promising she' d never hurt me but I was supposed to hurt her so she'd finally die so I could save lives and I was dreaming and I hated it. It was a nightmare and she kept breathing and beating her heart and she wasn't crazy in the dream where I tried to save her but they said I couldn't.  I'd never hit my dog ever , ever, but it was a nightmare and they told me too- and she kept whimpering and still she didn't try to bite me because she trusts me and loves me.

              I woke up crying, and tears had burnt their way down my cheeks and it was so real and I was so so afriad it was real so I ran crying to my mom, who probably thought I was crazy and told me to go say hi to my puppy. I cried in her fur and promised her I'd never ever ever try to hurt her, no matter what. I'd die first.




C4



  My nightmares always infect me- and I push everyone away at school and I breathe 'don't do this or that' when really I want someone to realise I need saving and love me and believe that I'm strong when I'm really not. When really I want them to see me and say

'that girl is scared & and drowning on land & burning without air & doesn't know how to break away from nightmares that don't make sense. That girl is guilty for hurting everyone and being hurt.  i could save that girl'

I'm not a bitch.. I'm just so goddamn scared and afraid to cry half the time because being vulnerable is awful, and letting anyone in is terrifying to me.