Ghost Again

(Ghost.... How It all Began)
(5...4...3...2...1... Take off)

Well, school just started back. This year should be a really great one. I didn’t think that it would ever get here quick enough. At least it’s here now. Basketball season should be really great, but right now I can’t tell you about what type of classes I’ll have or anything, because I’m already late. How are you late on the first day of school? I don’t really care because I can sit here and watched my favorite show CHARMED for all I care. I love it. It comes on twice in the morning at seven O’clock and Eight. I came to Warren East a few months ago when I moved from Franklin Kentucky. I know a little bit about how things work. You don’t leave the gym until seven fifty five. Looking at the time, I see that I should be in class right now. I’m chilling at home watching TV. That’s my favorite thing to do anyway. My dad should be getting off work in about twenty minutes, so until then.
I have one of my new outfits on that my dad’s girlfriend Stephanie bought for me. They were a pair of cute white shorts that fold at the bottom. My shirt was pink. It had a hood on it, on the back of it had cute designs and a pocket in the front. I had to wear a tank top under it because it had three buttons but was still low. That was the only way my dad would be satisfied. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have been able to wear it says his little pee brain. What he hell his problem is, I don’t fuckin know, but in order to keep from falling apart, I abide by his fuck shit ass rules, even if I don’t like them.  I don’t see what the big deal is; it’s not like my breasts will show or anything without a tank top. My breasts don’t really count as breasts. The trouble though is my hips. I hate dealing with them when it comes to certain pants I want to wear. Sometimes I wish that I had white girl booty, but oooh, I guess I might as well say no booty if I want to put it like that. My hips make wearing the type of pants normal girls do complicating because they are there. My hips are nice ones though. Sexy. My shirts don’t always fit the same way that my pants do. I like big T-shirts, but tight jeans. I’m a little bit backwards aren’t I? My dad doesn’t like me to wear tight jeans, but that is just something that he has to get over. Fuck You Dad. I’ll never trade my jeans in for a looser pair. It’s just not going to happen. My jeans are going to be tight regardless. I still have to have room left somewhere to be me. I wonder what he’s going to say about my outfit for school when he walks in the house. I covered up a little, so he shouldn’t have anything to say about my outfit. For my hairstyle I wore a ponytail at the top of my head. I don’t know why I like to wear my ponytails up so high. I guess it’s just a habit that I can’t help. I actually got it from a friend of mine named Taylor Russell. She moved to Texas after our sixth grade all-star season. It just broke my heart. Taylor was my best friend.
So anyway, my dad just walked in so we’re headed off to school. We first have to stop by Wal Mart to get a little something to start with for school. This is where last minute gets you. Procrastinating only gets you behind. It’s almost nine O’clock see. I’m nervous, and I don’t want to go to school anyway. I hope I don’t get there until ten. I promise I won’t be mad. I don’t want to see what kind of insane classes I have yet. I already don’t believe that I am as bright as people say that I am. Anyway, I’m going to hit you back when I find out what classes I do have. It better be something that I like. I can’t wait to see my schedule. I wonder how 07 will turn out. I’m going to have to go right now. I just pulled up at my school. My dad is so dumb. I could have just ridden the bus this morning. I didn’t need an escort. I guess that he just isn’t intelligent enough to realize that after you’re in the system, all you have to do is get on the bus. What a dickhead. See I just had to be late because he decided he wanted to forget what common sense is. I didn’t care though. Anyway, I’ll holla at you later.
Well, I got a good look at my schedule. Let’s see, for first period I have Mr. Paugh’s enrichment. I’m still trying to figure out what that is. I wonder why they don’t just call it Homeroom. What makes the two so different? In Franklin the two really were different, but this is Bowling Green, Kentucky. I just have to get used to the way things are here, I guess. I know I’ll never be able to go back to Franklin, so I might as well stop holding on and go ahead and get used to it. That’s the only way I can really free myself from Brian, my friend Taylor, my Basketball team, and all my friends.
2nd period: Metcalf-science
3rd period-Mrs.. Carini-art
4th period- Mrs. White-Math
5th period- Mrs. Littlefield- Language Arts
6th period- Mrs. Carini- Art
7th period- Mrs. Hurt- Social Studies

That’s my whole schedule. I’m not too satisfied, but I don’t have a choice. I have already been here a few months, and I still don’t know how to get around the school. I only figure it out by the color the lockers. The green ones mean that I’m almost there, and the blue ones mean I’m off a little bit. That’s crazy isn’t it? I mean, who does that? Newcomers I guess, like me. I couldn’t help but keep to myself. After three months, I still didn’t know anybody. That’s basically my fault really. I’m the one that closes up when people try and talk to me. I don’t know why I do that. I guess that’s just what makes me such a mystery to everyone, when they have to be really quiet, and have to come real close to my face so they can hear what I’m saying. I don’t really like to talk at school, and be all-loud, but I do like to be known. If I know you well enough, and then I’ll talk to you a lot, if I don’t all you get are the basics. Yes, and no, and whatever other three letters word that I can think of. I did laugh a lot though, so that was always a really good sign. I ran into Coach Anthony today. I played for her on the all-star team during the summer, of the rest of 06 into the beginning of 07. She said, “I was getting scared, I thought Franklin snatched you back up.” I just laughed at her comment, even though that is what I wanted more than anything did. I wish that were what happened. She is really cool, and down to earth, and very funny. She treated me like a mature person, and on the flipside she treated others the exact way that they acted. That was an interesting tactic. Plus, Coach Anthony is no punk. She’ll tell you like it is that’s what makes her so live. Oh, my bad. Aren’t I rude? I began my story and forgot to introduce myself. I’m Shaunice… Green. Now that I have introduced myself to you, I feel that I must tell you that you really probably don’t know me, but you should recognize my name. It’s going to be a good while before you and I cross paths again, but I want to go ahead and share this story with you. I know that it’ll really help you later, probably with a lot of difficult decisions you haven’t faced that I already have. You may even thank me for telling you this story in a few years, but 1st you have to figure out the role that I play in your life. That’s going to be really difficult, because I’m not going to just come out and tell you.
Mrs.Carini is getting on my nerves with all her talking. I wish that she could just shut up and be quiet for a moment. I took her art class last year, so I know how she can get. There’s not too much that I like about Mrs.Carini. I actually dislike everything about her. She’s so short and funny looking. I even hate the sound of her voice. I don’t know. I don’t really get it. Mrs.Carini loves me, but I can’t stand her. How does that happen? Well, I guess that it just does now don’t it. Right now she’s going on and on like I haven’t heard any of this before. It’s annoying. It is her job though, I guess. Since I’m talking to you right now, you known I haven’t heard a word that has come out of her mouth except sketch… Ooh, there’s the bell. I’m saved. I wish the bell always did that when a teacher said something that no one wants to hear. Life would be so much better. You know I can draw, I just don’t get why I hate art so much. I just don’t, it’s stupid. Well, anyway, I’m not in art class anymore. Looking at my schedule it looks as if I’m headed to Math Class. I hope we aren’t doing anything. It is the first day of school.
I’m in Mrs. White’s class now, and I have to say; because it’s just how I thought it would be.  It’s something more difficult than what your math class is like. I bet you have an already, unless school hasn’t started yet. My class is a few times harder than yours is. She isn’t all bad. She’s okay for a math teacher, but her standards are just way too high. We’re not seniors; we’re eighth graders. I mean, get a grip. Right now, I don’t see any loophole as to how I can possibly pass her class this year. I may need a miracle to pass. I guess that I have to just buckle down and try my best to listen. Mrs. White is kind of weird. She gives off these really funny looks. For a quick second, she was like really happy, and then she was back to normal. It struck me as odd. I’m surprised we didn’t get any work to do. We just introduced ourselves. Anyway, I’m tired of talking right now, so I’ll talk to you later. I might not get the chance to talk to you later but that doesn’t mean I won’t try. When do you start school? I know you don’t have to go back yet. What do you have, like one more week out? If you do, you’re lucky. I wish school wouldn’t start back up here for another week. I’ll try and talk to you later.
Ooh, basketball season is approaching. That’s the only thing I really enjoy participating in. Basketball is my sport. I love to play, and I’m good at it. My older brother taught me the crossover move when I was eight years old. Ever since then it was all that I could ever think about. I actually want to play freshman, but I’m not going to waste my time. I don’t think that can ever be possible.
I’m sorry that I didn’t get back to you. Looking at the date (September), I guess that you can say that I have been super busy. Doing what? You ask. Well, I guess I was just preparing for the basketball season. I know that it is like two months away but it's a good idea to start early. I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t think that you wanted to hear me go on and on about the way that my day went. I’m still not in shape. It’s a surprise to me that I can even talk today. Well, Coach Anthony is having open gym for the basketball players that want to come. Open gym was today, but it was over a few hours ago. Let me tell you how it went. I mean, I wasn’t even prepared for what happened at open gym today. Wait, wait. Let me explain to you what open gym is first if you don’t know. Open gym is when the gym is free for basketball to come and shoot around, and work on whatever they need to work on. So, let’s get back to my story. This is the second open gym that I have been to. It was going as it usually does. Me and a lot of other eighth graders were shooting around and doing some drills. Then Coach Anthony yelled, “FREE THROWS.”
All of us ran to basketball goals and began shooting our free throws. Mostly everybody hit the side goals, but a few of us stayed at the main goals. After a few free throws, theses three girls walked into the gym. Looking at them, you could tell that they were in High School. I mean, you would think, so what that these girls in High School. At first, that’s what I thought, until the third girl walked into the gym. Oh my god, she was like over six feet tall. They sat down, and as I went up for my next free throw, the really tall one started to look at me. I got so scared. I missed that free throw. She had a cold look in her eyes. I didn’t even want to shoot anymore. I didn’t know that girls could be that tall. I knew that Candice Parker was, but I had never seen a girl over six feet tall in person. It was incredible. All three girls then stood up when Coach Anthony told us all to come here. First she introduced us to the three girls. Well, they actually introduced themselves. The short blonde said, “hi, my name is Sarah Coulter.” Sarah was an interesting person. She had this, Oh my God dumb eighth grade girl basketball players look on her face. Maybe it was just me that saw it because I was paying attention too hard. Maybe she just didn’t like us. Well, that’s just harsh. She’s a baller though. It’s easy to tell.
The short black girl with braces said, “Hi, I’m Keisha.” Keisha was promising looking. She had this very erotic look about her. I know that it sounds funny, but that’s just the way I saw her. She had the features of a Goddess. She was muscular, and fast as hell. She had nice hair too. I’m crazy about stuff like that. Keisha, I could tell was a cool person. Please don’t contort my words into some freaky shit that I haven't even thought of. It’s not like that. I just pick up on things.
Finally, the tall one said, “Hi, I’m Ashley Rainey.”
First and second name basis, ooh. Looking at Ashley, you could tell that she had some big time skills. Did I mention that she’s like over six feet tall? Looking in her eyes created a look of terror onto my face. Whatever thoughts I had about Ashley, I let Leak from my brain. Ashley though is tall of course. She has that basketball player swag about her. She preferably prefers sports gear, and long hoop earrings. She lives for her J’s, I could tell by glancing down at her shoe game. I knew she had to have a mad shoe game with the J’s she had on. Her hair was did up in a pony-tail wit twists in the middle of the top of her head. Ashley I could tell was the next WNBA chick. She was the baddest ball player around. She was the girl all about ball, and the girl that everybody wanted as far as I knew. Looking at her, I could tell all that. Yes, I’m very observant. There was something very off about the three of them as well, but maybe that was just me to. They were very giggly, and...It was just weird, but they were the baddest ball players around Kentucky, so scratch that. I have to get to know these girls. Coach Anthony said us five eighth graders were going to scrimmage them. Now we had more people, so we should have an advantage, but these girls had played for years, so I wouldn’t be surprised if we got stomped into the ground. The numbers didn’t even really matter, especially with Ashley Rainey on the floor. She even has a name that a basketball player would. It’s crazy. I would be surprised if we even scored a basket. Looking into Ashley’s eyes you just knew that there was something special about her. She had that type of look in her eyes that let you know that she knew that she was it. You could just feel it in the way she acted that she was all about ball. You could tell she had something that no one else at her school had. You probably wouldn’t know what it was, but you just knew that it was something. If we even got a shot attempt, I was going to be extremely blowed. So, just as I suspected, we lost major. Ashley scored like what, thirty points! We only scored six points! I’m surprised we even got that. That was very embarrassing. I can’t believe that we lost by that much. I shook one girl though. I shook Sarah Coulter so hard. I mean, it was beautiful. You know, I shook Keisha too. I still missed the shot that I put up. I wasn’t going to shake Ashley though. So it was like two down and none to go. In one play, I jumped to get the rebound. Every other eighth grader ran down the floor and left me by myself like I could dribble that well. I looked up, and there was Keisha and Ashley right in front of me. I tried to dribble past them, but their feet were too fast. I dribbled in between my legs. But I lost the ball. It was too late to get it because Keisha had it already. I let them intimidate me too easily. I should have remained tough. They were already faster than I was, so there was like no need to make me feel bad. Standing on the side of Ashley made me feel so short. I hated guarding her during the scrimmage, so why make it worse? We got demolished; but I still did my thing on the court. Isn’t that what counts? Ashley, Keisha, and Sarah respected that. Those girls are real cool. They act just like we do but just play better. I was quiet, but they always acknowledged my presence whenever I was around. After the scrimmage, Coach Anthony asked Ashley, Keisha, and Sarah if me, Ladericka, and some other girl if we could come to their open gym. They were like yeah, so we were set; still whenever I stood by Ashley, I wanted to run like hell. The days that their open gym days were held were Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Today is Tuesday, so I’m there tomorrow, but I’m scared. For 5’9, I feel three feet tall compared to Ashley Rainey. If you just looked up at her, all you would be able to say is, “Oh my god.”
She’s like that tall. Still you could easily tell that she was amazing. She’s going places. She’s Ashley Rainey. Anyway, after the scrimmage, I went home for the rest of the day. I basically went outside and played basketball until the street light came on. Now, how do you get over a loss so devastating? Honestly, you don’t. You just think of a way to get better at it, and hope that what happened in the scrimmage never happens again; Even though I knew that we didn’t have enough skill to even be as good as the three girls that walked into the gym. Especially the tall one Ashley Rainey. Her name even suits her. She is nothing to play with. I wonder what playing with her would be like, instead of jus going to open gym and seeing her. It has to be a curse to have that much talent. Maybe she is just born with it, who knows? What do you do when you know that you can never be that good? Well, you practice.
“You go hard, or you go home.”
I know why we got beat by so much. They were like districts Champions, and number one in their region. They forgot to tell us that. It’s pretty amazing though really. Ashley is the most sought out junior in the state. Keisha Ray averages forty-eight assists a season. What were the odds of us even winning? They were better. Well, today is Wednesday. I’m heading over to the High School. I wonder what open gym over there is going to be like. I wonder how it’s going to turn out. Right now I’m in enrichment. That’s Mr. Paugh’s class. I hate enrichment, homeroom, whatever you want to address first period as. Why has it gotten so fancy anyway? It can never be 1st period anymore. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to you does it? It doesn’t make sense to me either. I guess the way Bowling Green works is kind of unique. I have only been in Bowling, Green for a few months, and people I didn’t even know even admired me. It’s actually kind of nice really. I have never had people admire me before. It’s flattering. If only I could be known, and be the person that I work so hard to keep hidden. I don’t think I can do both things at one time. Come on, I mean…. It’s me that we’re talking about here. I’m a straight punk, no doubt. Any other logical explanation may just be unexplainable. I mean, how do you define me? That’s my question to answer. No one can do that but me, can it? By the time I decide to go ahead and just let go of everything. I’m almost positive that it’ll be too late. I don’t know why I wait until the last minute, and I know you’re wondering how I know this stuff. That’s because it has always been done. Once you get used to doing something the same way repeatedly, you can’t change it. You almost always follow the routine, even if it’s by accident.
Well, I’m headed over to the High School for open gym with Keisha, Ashley, and Sarah. Oh God, just strike me down now. I don’t want to embarrass myself. So I’ll get back at you later, and think about telling you how it went.
Well, open gym is over. It wasn’t really all that bad. Keisha, Ashley, and Sarah were really nice. They were themselves, but not I. I walked into the locker room to put my things down. I grabbed a basketball and headed in their direction. Ashley was like, “Was sup.”
All I did was look at her. Keisha said, “Stop it Ashley, she’s shy.”
Now before I go on, I wonder how she read me that quickly. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t speak that gave me away. It was something.
Ashley said to me, “Oh, you ain’t gotta be shy around us.”
I just laughed at what she said because I can’t help the fact that I am so quiet around people that I don’t know. After Ashley showed me how to do everything on the sheet she had that I guess her Coach had made, we all kind of scattered out and shot on separate basketball goals. For the first like twenty minutes, I threw up whatever shots. Once I got comfortable, I did just fine. I started jumping, and making an effort to make the shot that I took. After a while, Ashley sat down and started talking to somebody, and Sarah was doing something on her cell phone. Keisha was shooting around. I was finally comfortable enough to shoot the ball, and not be so scared of what I thought my jump shot looked like. It wasn’t so bad after long. Open gym was a little fun. I still didn’t talk, but I was active, and that was a start. I played one on one with Keisha Ray. That was a big mistake. Height doesn’t matter with Keisha. I was taller, but she cut me down to her size. I have never seen anybody move as fast as Keisha, especially on defense. She had all the skill. I should have prepared myself. Now, I just have to say this, but excuse my lingo. Keisha Ray kicked my ass on the court. I mean for real. I tried the move where you throw the ball behind the person’s back and run to get it after you fake them out. It didn’t work on Keisha. She was to smart for that. We both laughed at my attempt to though. She beat me up during that one on one game, but I guess that’s what High School ball is like. It wasn’t fun at all having her guard me, because she was so much better at it than anyone I have ever seen play defense. I don’t mean like she beat me up literally. It’s a basketball term to me. To be so little, Keisha is so strong and tough. She beat me in both one on one games. Yeah, I’ll admit it, but so!
At least I scored a few points. What do you expect though? She’s like a junior, and I’m like an eighth grader that is supposed to be a freshman. You know it’s funny, because nobody knows that. I just look like a big eighth grader. A tall eighth grader I mean. That’s because I’m supposed to be a sophomore next year, but nope, I’m going to be stuck a freshman, and there is nothing that I can do about it. I’m the dummy that decided to flunk. That’s how I know it wasn’t long before I realized what consequences are. You slack, you fail. Why didn’t I realize that it was just that simple? You always realize what should have been done when it’s too late to see it, because when it becomes too late to see it, you can’t do a thing about it. It’s ridiculous how it works, but truth told, everybody does it. You become guarded and blinded by the unimportant things, and you let yourself forget about what mattered. You forget about what used to count, and then you begin to believe that everything is supposed to be easy, when it’s not supposed to be. Keisha is somewhat amazing though. She’s got it all. She’s got the heart, talent, and the passion; and with that, there is no way that Keisha ray can lose.
Life always changes when you least expect it. Sometimes things can be one way, and then another. At the same time though, you must remember, things are never always how they seem.
My dad is giving me serious hell. I mean, why doesn’t he just back off sometimes. Warning, holding on to kids real tight only pushes them away because when you squeeze too tight, the child soon begins to suffocate. He suffocates me so bad that I can’t breathe sometimes. He is losing me quickly, and he’s killing me softly. After everything that he has done, there is no way that he and I can have the type of relationship that I always dreamed about having with him. He’s way too controlling. He feels like just because he is the parent, that he’s the one in control. If you treat your kids like dogs, one day they are going to bark back at you. When I get tired enough, chances are that I'll began to bark back because I don’t feel like I am being treated the way that I feel I should. They say that when you are a kid, you are always against your parents. Why does it always have to be us? You never think something could be wrong with their method of parenting. That’s the last thing on your mind, because most people never even think of thinking it. What’s really the big deal about seeing the bid picture, instead of just seeing what you want to see? Nothing. I can’t stop thinking about that scrimmage. I don’t really know why. What I would give to even play on the same team with those girls. Just about anything.
As days pass, Life is still lame as fuck; shit still brings me down because I let it. Not so much as the things, but the people. I’m used to being disappointed; maybe that’s why I never really expect much.
Well, I saw my sister today. She’s my sister on my dad’s side. Her name is Shameikah Green. I haven’t seen her in what feels like years, because that’s just about how long that it has been. With her were also her husband, her child, and this girl about my age all downstairs when I came down to see her. This I guess was the start of something that I had no idea would even come into being. What am I getting myself into, who really knows? Anyway, her daughter was cute, but she didn’t like me too much. Her husband was sexy as hell. The word is, he went A Wall out of the army and had to get out of dodge. They were coming from Texas. I didn’t really know the story on the skinny looking girl, but I found out her name was Keisha. After a Little while, I guess she got comfortable, because me and her were tight a little already. Probably because she wanted someone to help her take her hair down. I helped her take it down when she asked me though. I’m not completely mean. It took me like night all the way until morning because she had micro braids in her head. I guess that after that we became friends. You know, you never know when someone is going to turn your world completely upside down, because you never expect something like that. After my sister enrolled her in school up here, I guess things start to get interesting. We made up this thing about us being cousins, well not really much us; it was her bright idea, but I didn’t know any better. I just went with the whole thing, I guess. People actually believed it. What, were they stupid? Yeah. I wouldn’t have even believed that. Some people will fall for anything, especially if the liar knows me. I guess things are just easier that way. What makes them easy beats me, because I don’t know. I guess then, things were so much easier to get away with. It is Kentucky anyway; there aren’t too many blacks up here, so maybe that’s a part of the reason. From that, the 07-08 year had taken off. I wasn’t driving, but I was moving, so something was in control. You know that term; nothing is ever the way that it seems? In a way, I relate to that terminology a lot. At school, I made myself a different person; at home I switched roles again. I always pretended to be quiet, when really I wasn’t. I pretended to be perfect, when I wasn’t perfect. There were a lot of things that I pretended to do and pretended to be. It was the only way that I knew I wouldn’t fall apart was to pretend. My life, was honestly hell my eighth grade year? 7th grade year, 6th grade year...basically every year that I have been in Kentucky. In order to make time fly by faster though, I had to do something. Join something. Play something. I had to. I had the type of life where everything was always fine, until it was time to go home. Home is the place that I hated. Home is the place that I dreaded. Home was like hell on earth for me. I honestly wouldn’t have made it if I hadn’t done something. Your childhood are the moments you shall treasure, mine were getting shattered into millions of pieces by someone God made my father. His insecure ways and paranoid actions only make disliking him very easy. His seriousness and anger towards his kids being goofy and enjoying life only make wanting to be without him a mission. His wanting you to do, and be what he wants you to be, only makes leaving him behind a relief, and a memory in the back of ones mind. If he’s lucky, one of us may look back, but his luck may never change. His cars and his alcohol are becoming his everything, sooner or later, that’s all that he will have. There isn’t really a lot in the world that means so much to me, so when something does, I love it, and care for it with all my might. That’s the type of person I am. I hold on tight to the things I want to hold on to, and I cut loose the things that I want to let go of. My life is unplanned, which it should be. I didn’t study for it, which I shouldn’t have. I could say I never asked for it, which I didn’t; but we all get things in our lives that we never asked for, or don’t want. I like the life in which I accompany though. Without this life, a lot of things would have never turned out the way that they have; and for that, I am content.
High School conditioning started in late September. I had gotten a physical, and was as ready as I was going to ever be. I tried a lot of times to get Keisha to come with me, but a lot of the times she wouldn’t come, plus she smoked too, running was going to be difficult for her. Conditioning at a High School level was difficult, or maybe that was just the way Coach Anderson’s team did things at the High School level. Anyway, High school conditioning was a commitment. You had to commit to it, to actually do it. Some days, I wanted to quit, and go home, but I didn’t quit. I’m not a quitter, I think. It was tough though.
I guess that I got lucky after a while because Coach Anthony came up to me one day, and laughed.
“Shaunice, you must have been praying?”
I looked at her crazy; “What you talm baht”
“I’ll talk to you about it later”, she said. I was like iite, and den I went on to class FO I was late. I thought about that all the way till da end of da day, when we had conditioning at like five thirty. I asked her again, and that’s when she told me the High School was going to hold freshman try-Outs because they didn’t have enough Freshman for the team. I was happy. I knew I was gone get one of dem jerseys. She told me this like the week before fall break in October. Eighth grade Middle School try-outs were on the 5th. High School Try-outs were on the 22nd of October. Oh, I couldn’t wait.
We were at School one day, and we got called to the cafeteria, and Coach Anderson was in the cafeteria. Some of us were wondering what she wanted, but I knew. She told us about the whole thing, and some girls got excited. This was after Middle School try-outs. That same we found of who made the team and who didn’t. After Coach Anderson got done talking, we slowly went back to class because the bell was about to ring. She stopped me and told me that me trying out would probably be a good thing, and just being around Ashley Rainey and Keisha Ray would be good for me and that it would help me out a lot. I knew I made the freshman team before I even tried out. I was like okay, and I told her that I would be there. That Night, we had practice. I was running down the court to shoot a Lay- up because we were having a competition, and I was running so fast that after I threw the ball up, I fell on my ankle, and rolled it. Oh, Shit. I got up, and everybody was laughing. I was even laughing. It didn’t hurt that badly until the next morning when I woke up. I came to School, and I was limping. The Girl basketball players were like, “Oh my God! Girl what did you do?”
I was like, “Practice.”
Everybody was asking me what I had done, and if I was okay. I didn’t know. That made me think about Freshman Try-Outs. I was worried.
On the day of Freshman Try-Outs, I woke up early in the morning, and I walked up and down the stairs on my ankle. I was at my sisters’ house because my father was out of the state with his girl friend. My sister took me to Try-outs. Keisha came too, although I didn’t really see why. It was a Saturday. When we got there, we grabbed the basketballs from in the locker room, and shot around until all the Coaches got there. Try-Outs were around nine. It was almost that. The Coaches were showing up, and then it was on. We did a bunch of basic stuff. Running. Drills. Then we scrimmaged. The scrimmage was really fun. Running up and down the court made you tired though. There were sixth graders there, seventh graders there, and the 8th graders. In the end, me and this girl Ladericka made the Freshman team out of the eighth graders and two sixth graders made it. I didn’t really care what their names were. You would think that when I made the freshman team, I would have been more happier than I was, But I wasn’t. It was weird. Tat is what I wanted, I think. Keisha didn’t make it as you know. Smoking is bad, she don’t get dat concept yet. Coach Long, The eighth grade Coach told me and Ladericka to turn our jerseys in when we could, and then we got some Lady Raider gear. We had practice the following Monday at 5:30 to 7:30. That was just two days from then. I was nervous already. I told my sister tat I made the team when she came to get me and Keisha, and I couldn’t believe that I made it with a limp like Snoop Dogg’s pimp walk actually. It blew my mind away. I was nervous about playing with girls I didn’t know; but I did get my wish. I got to be on the same team as Ashley Rainey. I got to watch her and learn a lot. I can’t believe that I got what I wanted.
Ladericka and me went to practice that Monday sweatin like it was 110 degrees in the gym. We walked up there to where they were stretchin, and the coach introduced us to everybody. Practice wasn’t really all that hard for our first day because we were new, and we didn’t know all the plays, or any of the drills. They all looked hard, and I didn’t want to do em. It’s a good thing we didn’t have to, because I didn’t want to embarrass myself. We did get a taste of High School basketball though. The Coaching, The running, everything. This wasn’t middle school basketball. Not anymore it wasn’t.
High School basketball was different we, realized very quickly. I got the thought of it being easy out of my mind very quickly. I didn’t know if I would like it, but I got the thought out of my mind very quickly. I was scared of just about every big person on the team. I didn’t know what they could do to me, so I was scared. When they shot the ball, I got out of the way. Especially when Ashley Rainey shot the ball. They say, in High School basketball you can’t play scared. Why not? I mean, they are just my teammates. What type of person is scared of their teammates. Man, a lot of folks. Like me for example. That’s just something that I had to overcome and get over some day. But I'm sure you know that I wrote this for a reason, and not just because I was bored and felt like it. Worlds turn upside down sometimes. More than you want them to actually. November 19, 2007; my life was changed forever. I walked away from the life I created, because the life I forgot about asked me to. Do I regret it? Not one thing.



(Ghost Again)
(Get Ready, set.... GO!

I guess wondering how I wound up back here is a really great place to begin. I know I owe maybe a million people a significant explanation. A few months ago in maybe November of 07, a lot of things were going on. It was just so much to handle, and for fourteen, stress should have been the last thing for me to have to deal with. Accept it wasn’t. I had finally found what truly made me happy, even though I had reality to deal with after everything was said and done. I had everything I could have ever wanted, that’s what I revolved my heart around. What made me happy? The only thing that I had to look forward to was Lady Raider Basketball. They made me happy. I felt a part of something when I was with a team. They were like family. Being on the team was actually very difficult, especially mentally. I did my best to handle it though. Basketball helped me forget reality every time we were together. There aren’t a lot of things that can help you do that. It helped me think about what would happen next, and not about the next day. On about November 19 or the twentieth, my life completely changed. More than I ever thought that it would. I was leaving the day after our second scrimmage, the 21st, on a Wednesday. I couldn’t believe it. My world slowly collided into the one that I forgot about. I didn’t know what to think, or what to feel. I didn’t know if I should’ve been happy, or the complete opposite, sad. The world that I made myself forget was coming back for me. I realized I had to do to the life I created, what was once done to the life that I forgot about. I had to leave it. I forgot to breathe for a few seconds knowing what I knew. I didn’t know what to do about it. Like a good girl though, I prepared for good bye. Good-Bye is the depressing part of me, all because I'm smart enough sometimes to know that nothing last forever; Eventhough we all forget sometimes. That’s easy to forget. Who wants to remember it, and wait for it to just ruin any and everything in its path?
At school Monday, it was a normal day. I fell asleep in 5th and 6th period as usual. Those were my favorite classes to sleep in. The teachers opened their mouths in those two classes, and my eyes always grew tired and heavy. Damn, I know right. Everything was good. I had to figure out what I was going to say to my teammates, and all my friends. Wow. Good bye all over again for me. Here’s another one. Even though I had until Wednesday, I bought a 70 page notebook, yellow by the way. I wrote about all my teammates that time let me have time for. In seventh period, I got to class late at maybe 2:10 or 2:20. Class started at 1:50. I’m letting you know that I was late. It was an accident. Mrs. Hurt’s short blond self wouldn’t say anything to me anyway. She loved me. I could be twenty minutes late, just because I have it like that. The inter come came on and I was actually hoping that they were going to call my name because this guest speaker in social studies class was boring me to sleep. They called my name to go up to the office. I was glad to get out of social studies class. I was sick of hearing that lady. I figured though, why did they want me? Maybe they just wanted to clarify something. That has always been the case, correct? I’m not an important enough person for them to want something really serious. I’m not one of those troublemakers they have to deal with on a regular basis. I have never gotten into trouble. Are things leaning in troubles favor. Let’s go see. When I got to the office, I found my sister standing up there. She wasn’t exactly in the office, but she was in the room next to the office when you first walk into the school. I leaned my head into the door, curious as to what she wanted. She told me not to go back to class, and to just walk out of the school and meet her in the back over by the gym doors. I was scared, but I did what she what she said. The only problem was, was that I wasn’t ready to go yet. A friend of mine named Keisha Robinson grabbed my things out of class since I couldn’t walk back in, and met me at my locker. I grabbed anything of any significance out of my locker, and placed it in my book bag. I gave Keisha my $80 basketball shoes that my dad had just bought me. What the hell was I thinking? But I wasn’t thinking, so oh well right? We gave each other a hug; then I walked out of the gym doors and got in my sister’s car. There were police in the school, and cameras all down the hallway that I walked down before I disappeared. I wasn’t signed out or anything. I could have gotten away with murder, and no one would have even suspected me. Ain’t that a bitch. I just walked out. I couldn’t believe it. Everything I never wanted to lose in the first place was back, and I didn’t want it anymore. I had already moved on. It was too late to apologize. It still is. I wanted what I wanted; still I did what I did. Everything I let myself be opened to, I was losing. I had only ten minutes to even think about it. That’s not enough time. It takes half of that ten to take something like what I did in. it would never be enough. That was only enough time for me to zoom out of reality and back into the world of make believe. Meaning that reality wouldn’t get back at me until I had already did something that I would later realize that I shouldn’t have done. I wondered what went wrong, because I thought I had until Wednesday. How was I wrong? Here’s another good bye that had to be read, and not said face to face. My poor plans all ruined. Damnit. Time and I are going to have to fight. It can’t be doing this to me. I need some type of warning. I didn’t get one though. I just had to such that shit up and cry like a bitch later. I had to get over it then, and worry about all that other stuff later. I hate it when this happens. It intervenes every time. Why must time always come early, and without warning. That’s what makes me hate it. Stuff like that pisses me off, and have me saying crazy words like some of the ones that I just introduced some newcomers to.
Being home for the first time in almost three and a half years felt... I don’t know...kind of strange. It was very different. Honestly, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. In fact I hated it. I don’t know why. Maybe because I wasn’t used to it as much as I thought I would be anymore. It felt kind of wrong, me not being happy and all; being that I was home. This is what I once wanted. Yes!!!! Once verses the present makes views on a lot of things very different. I couldn’t really help it though. I wasn’t used to this life anymore. I didn’t want to get back used to it either. I had worked so hard to forget this life, because once upon a day we had to say our good byes. After that moment, I never looked back on it. I erased it, because to me it was useless now.
Being back wasn’t all- bad. It was okay I guess. Except me knowing that I found its replacement, and I wasn’t switching roles again.
I had to hide behind the jokes I made, but everything was okay. After being home for maybe a week, I found out that the day I left, my friend LADERICKA@ was looking for me. She said she asked Coach Anthony to check and see if I got signed out and went home. She found out that I hadn’t been. She didn’t know where I was, and we had practice at 5:00. It was late practice. I was already in Nashville, Tennessee. I had wondered about her the moment that I left. I was trying to find her, but we were in seventh period, and that would have taken me forever. I didn’t have time for all that. I didn’t have forever. I had those ten minutes, and I wasn’t even really in the world of reality. I was in the world of make believe. I had to go. I had no time left. The ten minutes I did have ended faster than I thought they would. So I had to say good bye to her in my mind. So in a whisper it was like, “Good bye LADERICKA@, I’ll holla at you another time.” We were the only two eight graders on the freshman team... and then there was one. It pained me to simply leave her hanging, but I could only hope that she understood. How could she though, she didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t have a choice. Now, she had to find another partner to run drills with, because I... was gone.
She told me that that Monday when she went to practice and saw that I wasn’t there was when she kind of knew, but she was never really sure. I had heard that my dad had come to my practice asking if anyone had seen me. No one had. So I figured that if my dad asked my teammates if I had been there, they suspected that something was up or maybe that I just hadn’t got there yet. Either or right? No? They all knew though, that I would never miss practice no matter how bad I didn’t want to come, or no matter how bad Coach Anderson picked on me.
Honestly it was his fault, because if he had been right back Sunday night like he said that he would, he would have found me at practice that Monday when he so desperately searched everywhere for me, Except he didn’t. Mistake number, oops, I forgot a few years ago. He must have looked for us at least two days, knowing that he wasn’t going to find us. What happened, happened because of the bad decisions and poor choices that he his self- made.
I was out of school for maybe two weeks, my brothers a little bit more. I had to change again, and start all over again I realized. Except this time, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I never said what my plans were about it. I just pressed play in my mind, and let the suspense grow on you. That’s what its doing isn’t it? I just did what I had to do. Pretend that everything was good, when I knew that it could never be. We lived in a hotel with my mom for a while, and soon moved into this bright orange house. I could be three blocks away, and still spot my house. It was mad crazy. It was very embarrassing as well.
That’s when I stared to realize that I made a huge mistake by walking away. I realized that the moment my sister told me not to go back to class, I shouldn’t have listened to her. I should have gone back to class, except I didn’t do that. I did what I did, and this is the price that I had to pay for it. It took me losing everything that I ever wanted to realize that I didn’t want to be without it. It was time for me to catch my dream. If I wanted it, then I had to go for it with everything that I had. Some people wait a lifetime for opportunities such as mine. I know in my heart that I wasn’t meant to lose it, not feeling the way that I felt about it, and the way that I still feel. I found what made me happy, and I wasn’t about to lose it. Not now, not never. It was everything to me, and I wasn’t about to just let it go.
Yeah, I know that I’m skipping around a bit, but bear with me. I know you still have a lot of unanswered questions, but hold on. Well, around late December is when I put some real thought into the whole leaving idea. Going back and all I mean.
Of course I couldn’t tell anyone because that would just ruin the entire thing. No one could know, or the plan would have been off. One night, maybe January eighteenth maybe, I texted my friend LADERICKA@ at around eight on Saturday night.
“Hey Ladericka, its Shaunice, letting you know that I might be back.”
For a second I didn’t know if she was going to text back, until the phone made that crazy noise it does when you receive a text message.
“Oh girl, for real!! When?”
“I don’t know that decision is still pending.”
She really couldn’t believe her ears.
“Yeah, you sound happy.”
“Yeah, everybody has been asking about you, and Coach put your poems you wrote about everybody up in the locker room.”
“What!!
“Yeah, Brooke and I are the only two real post players now.
Awww, my bad for leaving you hanging LADERICKA@.”
“Ok girl bye, I’ll talk to you later. I can’t help but wait.”
I smiled as I read her message.
“OK, go ahead and get that little sleep for church. IITE then. Tell everybody I said was up, and tell the Coach to hold my jersey.”
“K”, she texted back, and then I let her go on to sleep.
I could tell that she was just so happy about it. I could hear it all in her voice. She told me on the phone in our previous conversations that she wanted me to come back. She told me that Coach said I still had my spot. Would that still be offered now? L@DERICK@'S wish would come true now. My hearts desire will be granted, and I would be complete again. That’s all that I ever wanted. As days slowly passed by, day by day by day, I tried to contact my dads EX. I could only do that at my aunt’s house. She had long distance. It was perfect. I had contacted her once, accept I got her answering machine and left a message. I thought that since it was 3:20 when I called that she hadn’t got off work yet, or maybe she recognized the number on her phone and decided not to answer it. The message sounded a little something like this.
“Hey, it’s me. Shaunice if you forgot. I was calling because I had some questions that I wanted to ask you. Well, I see that you aren’t picking up your phone, so you’re probably at work, or you ignored the ring, when you saw this number. I’ll try and contact you again as soon as possible, but do not tell you know who that I called you; I trust you, that is supposed to mean something okay. I’ll get into trouble if you call this number back, so wait for my ring okay. Just wait.”
That’s what the message sounded like. That’s what I said to her. For a week I tried calling and calling, but my plans always got ruined somehow. If it wasn’t this, then it was that. It was also very odd at the same time. Bear with me for a second. I made the phone call to Stephanie on a Tuesday I think. Keeping up? So after that day, I planned to call on Wednesday, but I no longer could. My uncle was home, my mom, and her boyfriend. So I could forget Wednesdays’ plan. Thursday came, something was up... Friday came, and there it was again, all the way to Thursday of the next week. Booked for the longest. Thursday the 31st of January. The first of the month of the New Year of 2008, for almost two weeks, something came up. Strange right? Something always stopped me from exceeding with my plans. I observe a lot, so I catch a lot of things a lot quicker than others. From my observations I learned that somebody found out what I was doing, which was trying to leave, and someone is trying to stop me. Now I had to plot while looking over my shoulder. How would I do it? Well, I would simply not care. I would make the calls when no one was home, and do it that way. With every criminal a mistake is left behind. I forgot that every call made shows up on the phone bill when it’s time to pay at the end of the month. It was so stupid of me. So the question was who knew? And what would they do besides what has already been done?
A long time ago Stephanie told me that if I ever needed anything, I could always give her a ring. Now was time for the moment of truth. The moment I had waited for. I knew she got my message because she didn’t call my aunt’s phone again. I knew I always liked her for a reason. She didn’t let me down. Today, January 31st, I will attempt to give her another ring. I just hope that there won’t be anymore technicalities today.
It’s time for me to go. This life is no longer for me. The one that I knew no longer existed. I erased it, and it recreated itself. Until the time comes for me to call her approaches at three thirty when she gets off work, I guess I should tell you that I’m at school right now. It’s about ten O’ clock in the morning you know. The next time I picked up my pen was around one something. I hate Denton Middle School. It could never compare to my old school Warren East Middle School. Everything is different when I compare them. They are amongst two different worlds.
Denton is just very explicit. Violent. Pandemonium struck at anytime. No one wished to learn, well there were a selective few, but I just couldn’t stand it. Girls and boys were just too disrespectful. I’m so glad that I grew up. I mean come on these were thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen year olds. Some were even sixteen. The immaturity level was very pathetic. If I would have never left when I did, some of the girls I find myself frowning at, could have very well been me. I hope that I am never like that. I’m better than that, and I’m really happy because of it. At ten years old I was able to move, and learn better than I ever could. The best thing I can say that I ever did. Well, the bell just rang, and it’s time for me to go. I’ll catch up with you on that phone call in a few. So don’t go anywhere.
Well, it’s seven thirty. I told you I would be back didn’t I? Well, I guess you would like to know how that phone call went. Well, not so well. Another insignificant factor that plays a part in my unhappiness. Imagine that.
I can’t believe I actually thought that it would work. Just wishful thinking I guess. Me being stupid. I actually thought that the phones would work, prior to all the other times they didn’t. I guess that I was just wrong. What is it that they say? If you fail at something, you try and try again if you truly wish to catch your dream. That’s what I found out that I had to do. So I would have to wait and try again. So because the phones don’t work tonight, I decided to fix me a sandwich or two, and watch some TV. The HBO channel was showing a really good movie.  One that I remembered well too. “Lake Placid.” Have you ever heard of it? The movie about the really large crocodile in the water. Does that ring any bells? I decided I didn’t want to watch it, so I flicked through the channels. I found a few basketball games on TV. The Lady Vols was playing Ole Miss. Now I knew before even seeing the game I knew that the Lady Vols would win by about at most thirty. Plus Candice Parker played for the Lady Vols, and that amazing point guard Shannon Bobbitt. They couldn’t lose. Candice Parker has been my idol ever since the first time I saw her dunk. Since that day, my heart just stayed with number three. That girl is going to be big. You’ll see. They are the champions. The Celtics played the Mavericks at eight, and at ten the Spurs played Phoenix. I didn’t watch the Spurs game though. That was my favorite team but I just didn’t want to watch them. My aunt’s fish Max Payne was having a few issues. It looked dead. Earlier I tapped on the glass wondering if fish could sleep in water. I felt so slow, and stupid. My aunt doesn’t really play about her fish. She said she’d had them since they were born, so they were really like her kids. Wow! Right? Well, it’s 9:54 now. Let me do my exercise before I go to bed. After I do that, I’m going to lie down and go to sleep so good night, until next time.
Well, it’s six thirty now, February the 1st. I decided to get dressed for school early so that I could have all the time I wanted to talk to you; just until seven O’clock approached. We’re like best friends, aren’t we? I talk to you all the time and you just listen. As you may know, I spent the night over my aunt’s house. It was raining too badly last night, so we just stayed over her house. My brothers got up a few minutes after I did and got dressed. They are never really on time. That’s their thing, being late. My bones are killing me. I guess that I’m just so tired, but I’m good now. I’m awake at least. I always dread going to school now; I can’t really stand it all. I never saw the day that I had to wear uniforms again. It’s not really that comfortable anymore. I got so used to wearing whatever I wanted, that uniforms again just felt new. They just cramped my style too much. On game days I was used to wearing my warm ups, but now, I couldn’t even play ball anymore. So since we’re friends, it’s obligated, basically mandatory that you know if I don’t have basketball, then I’ve got nothing. It means everything to me. So I feel like if I had to move, or sneak away from the place I had all the basketball opportunities I could ever want, and come to a place I thought I would, but didn’t; then what the hell am I doing back here? That’s how I feel. I mean, is that so wrong? I left a week before my basketball season began to come home and not play. That is bullshit. I can’t have that. I created “Alabama” when I was eleven years old. I had an obligation to all those fans in the stands that shouted my name whenever I scored a basket. I’m telling you, that was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I’d give anything to feel like I felt that day, because the feeling is extremely priceless. It doesn’t just come to you when you want it to, but it goes when it’s good and ready. That feeling is like popping a jumper before the buzzer rings with the game on the line and once the ball leaves your fingers the shot is close, but still you miss. You hang your head down in shame and total defeat. Your opponent will always win unless you run more, play harder defense, or score. It’s just that simple. This means that if you want to keep your dream, you had to do what it takes to keep it, and not let time steal your game. Don’t let life steal your dream. If you want it bad enough, then when you turn around it will be there, but enough about the past for now. Wow, I feel lie I have been talking all day already. It’s seven O’clock, it’s time for me to go to school and hit the books even though I really don’t want to. I have to look at it this way I don’t really have a choice. I have to do what needs to be done in order to get where I’m trying to go.
Right now I’m in my aunt’s car on my way to school. I hate being late, but well, I don’t actually care. Not for real anyway. I just hate that everybody has some smart remark. Don’t you just hate that?  There were just certain people that intentionally tried to push my buttons. Maybe they wanted my attention or something, but I never waste my time on such nonsense. This conversation has to come to a close. I’ll try to talk to you in seventh period; because everyone in first period is nosey, and I don’t want him or her to see what we talk about. I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be back so just go get a snack or something. I’m not even close to the end of this journey. So note to self, the snack that you’re going to get, make sure that it’s a really good one, or just wait until I get back. I know you want to know what happens next.
It’s seventh period now that was quick I know. I bet you’re wondering how it came so fast. Well, every other week, every ones classes go backwards. So it’s 1st, then 7th... 6th. 5th.....and so on. The only trick is you go to 1st period twice. It’s actually kind of stupid, but it’s not my school, so whatever. It’s only 7:55. I don’t do anything in seventh period anyway. It’s not even a real class. “Fitness and Leisure.” Ooh, I’m scared right. Please! Girls at school blow my mind really. One girl told me that she didn’t plan to have kids until she was seventeen. She just doesn’t know how stupid that is. She wants to screw with her life, then she can go ahead. I started to say something, but what would be the point. It’s her life. Maybe after she ruins it, she’ll realize her mistakes. I just hope it won’t be too late by then. It will be, but let’s give some of the things I tell you a little hope.
Anyway, next subject. Don’t be mad when I tell you this, but I found out yesterday why I couldn’t contact my dads EX at my aunt’s house. I couldn’t believe it when I found out. I know that you won’t. This will probably leave you speechless. I have to wait until she gets her phone back on. The bill is like two hundred something dollars. That’s a lot. The clock is slowly winding down on what fate decides that my destiny is going to be. Fate brought me that wonderful life I created it would never just take something like that away would it? So what you’re saying is that fate can just snatch whatever I get just like that? I can’t believe it. So I still have to place a shield over my heart to protect it. Can you believe that mess? That’s insane. Nope, correction, I guess that’s just life. How did I forget? My heart pounds as 2:25 approaches right around the corner.
Now that I know the phone is off, I still have to check and see if they went ahead and got it back on. I’m falling to pieces inside, and I don’t know why. At times, I hate to feel like this, because I’ve changed since my relatives last saw me. I was eleven years old, I’m fourteen now. Of course they should have known that when I came back we could never just pick back up where we stopped. I would never be the same person again. I left and when I came back it could be noticed that I grew up.  You want to know a secret? I was never ready to come back home. I don’t know why I did. I was listening to someone else when I should have just followed my heart. I hate that I came back. The thought had never crossed my mind unless I became angry and just said I wanted to come home. I was never actually ever serious. Still, it has been said to be careful what you wish for. Why? Well, you just might get it. I wasn’t careful what I wished for, because I think about that moment I walked out of school. I should have just gone back to class, but I didn’t. Should have, could have, and would have, can’t really do me any justice. It was the gym doors, or back to class. I chose the gym doors. Looking back on that decision I know it was a mistake. I was being dumb. Where does the cost of doing what someone else wants get you? Nowhere. It get’s you in a situation you don’t want to be in, and causes you to have to go through hell and back to get out of. The thing about being dumb is that it’s based on the decisions you make that label you as dumb in the end. After I walked out of school, after about two hundred miles, I thought in my mind, “What the hell did I just do?” it was too late to turn back. It couldn’t be done. I made a decision that I couldn’t walk away from and as time passed, I hated it. I couldn’t do anything else but hate it. Everything that had eaten at me for two and a half years had finally gotten to me. That’s how I wound up back in Mobile, Alabama. This is not where I want to be anymore. This life died the moment I said good bye to it. All that I let it be was a memory of what was used to be.
I still wasn’t over my first love Brian Troutt, but that’s a completely different story you have to read. That was Franklin Kentucky. This is Bowling Green, Kentucky. The two could never be the same. My love for Brian would always beat and always overshadow anything else, except he was gone, and I had to deal. I always did. Well, the bell is about to ring. I won’t be able to talk until at least one. I’ve got Math Class next and P.E twice. Basketball, yeah. So I’ll hit you back as soon as third period is over. I know you’re tired of me leaving you, but school is school. I have to participate or I fail. School will be over soon. I can’t wait. Let me go before I’m late to math class. He’ll give me Saturday school if I’m late. What the hell is Saturday school. What difference does that make anyway? You just have a bunch of mad ass kids that probably won’t show up for it anyway. I didn’t know they could do that, but he’s one of the few teachers that take his job seriously. That’s a good thing. Well, I’ll holla when I get back, and maybe you can tell me how that snack of yours went.
So how’d that snack go? Good I hope. You didn’t miss me, did you? I’m just joking, I wasn’t serious. It’s past three now. I got so caught up at school I couldn’t get back to you when I wanted to. Don’t be mad. How could you be mad at this adorable smile and beaming personality? You can’t, and that’s what makes it so wonderful. The remainder of school was a total drag. I told you that’s why it takes so long to get back to you. You’ll forgive me though. I know that you will. Right now, I’m actually sitting down somewhere where you and I can just talk, and no one no one will bother us. So what do we talk about now? I wonder how the rest of this day is going to go. Nothing important is going to happen. I’m over here at my aunt’s house again until she gets home from work and drops me and my two brothers off at home. I do have a little information, so I guess I’ll share. Whenever my aunt pays her phone bill, she’ll get that list of all the calls that got made. If she sees that 535 number, then things are going to set off. So I’m hoping that she doesn’t notice it, just until I’m gone and she decides she wants to look. Until that time comes, I have to be careful. I have to be. You know it’s crazy because I’ve sat around each of my family members writing this story, and not one of them even took a glance at this story. If they did, I’d just cover it up. I couldn’t just leave my notebook around; someone might take a look in it. I can’t have that. It’ll ruin everything, and I’ll be stuck in the life in which I never wanted to accustom again. I never saw the day that I’d hate returning home.  That used to be the only thing I ever wanted.  That was until I found the Lady Raiders. They were all I had. Everything I ever wanted since eighth grade. You know that was just in August. The Lady Raiders. My dream came true, and then it was gone. I can’t believe I forgot. Well, the plan is to disappear the same way I made it out of Kentucky. It should work. No one can know about it, and I hate it, but I have to act alone. I’ll disappear after school never to be seen again. Like a Ghost... Again. Just like the name of this story of mine. I really dread going through this the same way, but I have to do it one more time. Everything I worked for will ride on the moment that I leave.  I really hope that all goes well. Except that I always know for a fact that there is some technicality. Something is going to jump off because someone, just one person is going to find out what I’m up to. I’m a great actor, I have discovered, but even great actors forget their lines. Sometimes they stutter, and give off that sense of insecurity. I can’t mess up. I’m fucked if I do. That’s some deep stuff huh? I’m so glad that today is Friday that it’s ridiculous. We are out Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday for Mardi Gras. Isn’t it great? Well, I guess. I mean I have never really been excited about anything that I can recall. It takes an awful lot to excite me. I bet you can’t believe that, can you? I would go and eat but I’m not really hungry. I learned how not to be hungry when I was in Kentucky.  Do not take that how it just sounded. Anyway, my mom is saying a whole lot that’s trying to change my mind. No, she still doesn’t know, it’s just the things that she says. I know I was gone and she missed me a lot, but I learned to forgive and forget. She was doing her thing and I was doing mine, all was well. She decided to come back at the climax of my life. I hate to say it like that, but that’s the way it went. I wasn’t ready to come back home, but my options were limited. If I put a little more thought into what I was doing, things could be different. They’re not now, that’s what makes my decision about leaving so hard. A few things have eased in the way of my plan plotting to steal me away from this decision. All I can say now is that all hope for me is gone. Your girl is a lost cause. I can’t be brought back, because I have already moved on. I’m the girl that let all her insecurities get the best of her, that’s probably how I ended up losing everything I ever wanted. This time, it wasn’t really about the love that I had for a city, or a state, Even though I loved the two greatly. The only thing I can honestly say kept me was my undying and unconditional love for basketball. Once upon a time I got a chance for people to watch me grow into the player that I have become. When I was little, I never once saw myself being the person that I am today. I never saw myself being the basketball type, but I am now. Never in my life had I imagined myself planning this moment, but there is a first time for everything. I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason. I follow my heart if it tells me where it thinks I should go. My aunt is home from work. She’s getting ready to drop my brothers and me off at home. After that I’ll probably call it a day. I’m busy Saturday, so I might hit you up on Sunday. Honestly it just depends on what I have going on. You know me well enough now to know what I mean. I’m so glad I found someone that I can talk to. That’s actually kind of funny though, because our friendship is being shared with the entire world. I’ll talk to you soon. Holla.
Well today is Monday. I’m back finally. I never meant to stay gone so long, but I have a life sometimes. Not really, but I just couldn’t get back in time. Today actually is a little bit boring. There is nothing to do, accept go outside really. I need something to do if I want to keep my sanity. I guess I should tell you that my brother is here huh? His name is James. He has gotten so tall. He and I were the best of friends before I left. I mean, we still are now, but it’s just different. He’s almost grown now. He’s seventeen, I’m fourteen. Do you see the difference? I compared what I would gain by leaving, and also the risks of what I would lose. My niece Aaliyah is just getting used to seeing me around, and if I leave, she’ll forget me again. Y mom actually looks happy, and if leave, it’ll all be ruined, she’s complete. I’m questioning myself if I really want to ruin that. Still I feel that what must be understood is that it’ll never be personnel. Even if I’m gone, they still carry me in their spirits as I will in mine. All the pain and anger, I never really let go. I hung on to it. They say that love is all it takes to bring things back together because it’s stronger than anything. I wonder if it’s enough this time. Guilt is what’s questioning me if I should stay or not. Guilt is what’s trying to change my mind. I know that if I don’t do what’s best for me this time,
I’ll never truly be as happy as I would like to be. I’ll be living in the shadow of what someone else wanted; something that I rejected as time passed. You know what’s interesting though? No, you don’t duh, but I felt similar to this way when I first moved to Kentucky, but with time, I grew to love it. So do you think that’s what’s missing? Kind of? Sort of? Maybe?
Still the thing is I found something far greater than anything that I ever had, is that really what this is mainly about though? What I created? What I loved so much that I put an electrifying fence around it just so I could protect my investment. I had a definite future. I was an eighth grader playing 9th and 10th grade basketball. I was good. Hell, I was great. I got the opportunity to watch the amazing junior Ashley Rainey do her thing on the basketball court. I have one more year to try and learn as much from her as I can before she goes off to one of the many colleges that want her to play for them. I mean this girl is everything that I hope to be. I can’t turn up this offer. I just can’t. The future that I want rides on it. I’ve got way too much to lose for me not to go back. I can’t lose the second life that I created. I can say though, honestly, that a long time ago, I gave basketball in Kentucky my heart, and when I left, I never got it back. I didn’t want it back, and I still don’t. The last thing I want to do is hurt anybody. The only ay I know how not to do that is to leave without anyone knowing about it. That may only make matters worse. So I bought another notebook a little while back and planned my good bye. It explains everything, and how I wanted the fairy tale. I made it clear that I just wanted everyone to just let go, and if they put their trust in me, then I’d come back. There is a strong possibility that I might not come back though. Time is slowly limited. No one knows that this may be the last month that they’ll ever see me again. That’s why I decided to leave so early, because if I became attached, it would make my decision to leave twice as hard. The hardest thing that anyone endures is walking away from their family and moving on, especially without them knowing.
I don’t know, maybe I’m selfish for wanting the things that I want. One explanation explains it though. I’m only human. I guess the time came in my life when I decided that I wanted more. I’m not even complete anymore. I feel like a major portion of me is missing. I’ll never get it back until the life that I forgot about decides to let me go. As miles and miles passed the moment I left when I was eleven, I thought about everything that I had been through, and as time slowly sank in, it all began to erase into the past. I knew that it would be in my heart forever, that’s why I let it go; and I never looked back. I’m glad I did it. For three years the life I forgot about did its thing, and now it was sick of doing it alone. It’s nothing personnel, I just found what suited me. I found what made me happy. Leaving it the first time tore me up inside, second time broke me down the third time shredded my heart into pieces. The fourth time, well I hope it won’t get that serious. For the first time in my life I’m actually going after something that I want to pursue. I have no regrets about it. It’s the best thing I ever did. Leaving Kentucky for the last time as the miles went pass was a completely different story. Everything I had been through in Kentucky didn’t erase like it had when I left Mobile, Alabama. It tried it’s hardest to stay in my heart. That’s why I’m leaving the life that I forgot about for the one that I created. If that makes me selfish, then I have to be selfish because I let the love of my life slip through my fingertips. I’m not letting something I love get away again. I learned how that feels, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I only want what’s best for me; and what the life I forgot thinks is best for me, and what I think is best for me may be two completely different things. You want to know another dark secret of mine. A very dark secret I’ve had since I was about nine. That’s too bad because I can’t tell you. I know that we are the greatest of friends and all, but this is personnel. I bet you want to know why I even brought it up. I will give you a hint though; it fell into effect when I was twelve all the way until now. I guess that I just hide it really well. It never went away. Maybe this secret is the reason I am the way that I am. One day, I’ll think about sharing it with you, if you stick around. I never really had a friend that I could tell all my secrets. No one has really gotten close to me enough for me to just tell them everything about me. I guess I could tell you what happened to me earlier today. This boy that lives next door to me tried to talk to me. I was playing football with my older brother and I caught him in the backyard telling me to come here. I told him no. from his reaction I don’t really think that he was expecting me to say no. I know you’re wondering why I said no, well if he wanted my attention that bad, he’d try it again. Maybe he’d get lucky. I don’t know. Is he cute? He was okay. Not exactly my type, but he was okay. That was the end of that. I went on with my day. Now let’s zoom back to now. Well, that’s my mom calling me. Fat Tuesday is tomorrow, only the biggest parade ever, and I guess she wants to do my hair or something. I guess I’ll talk to you when the parade ends. I promise to let you know how it goes. Too bad you can’t go huh?
Hey again. Today is fat Tuesday. I know I told you I may not be able to talk to you today, but I changed my mind about going to the parade. My older brother was over until Wednesday because he didn’t have to go to work. He decided he didn’t want to go, so I didn’t go either. Instead of going to the parade, we hung out like we used to. We played catch with my little brothers football all day. That was the most time he and I had spent together in years. It was just like old times. The life I forgot about was trying extremely hard to recreate itself, and I didn’t like it. It’s too late to apologize for the mistakes that it made when I was with it. I let it go. It was still trying desperately hard to hold on to me though. Every time I had to leave it, something kept pulling me back, telling me I need it in my life. Every time I try to go, something kept telling me that, me that, my timing was all- wrong. It’s gonna have to be, cuz this life’s not for me. My heart told me to go, that’s why I’m going. I enjoyed just visiting home, and staying in Kentucky at the same time. I guess my dad just got stingy. I wonder what returning home to my mother after the many years that I’ll be gone will be like. I wonder what things will be like if I ever see her again after this. What will I say? What will be my excuse? I don’t want to hurt her, but I know that I will. She’s the only special woman in my life. She’s everything to me, but I have to let her go again. I had already done that once. I have a safe and secure place for her in my heart. That’s where she’s going to have to lie. That’s why I smiled in those pictures that I took at the mall. I didn’t want her not to have pictures of me. I realize that the gleam in her eye she used to have returned because her babies are at home. After I go, she’ll still have two, it’s only going to be me leaving this time. Wow, a few years ago I hated the thought of my dad. Now I realize that his three kids are all he really had left. I guess I understand that a little now. I realize the mistake I made. Even though he’ll never have three again, one is better than none the last time I checked. I’m the only kid he has left that wants anything to do with him I’m the only one that wants to come back. In some ways my decision to come back was bigger than him. I left my life in that house. I left my soul. That was a mistake, and I realize that. For me it’s about what’s in Kentucky. My future is in Kentucky. It’s somewhat about who is in Kentucky as well. What is bigger than whom this time? In a while I’ll be fifteen. No one in Mobile Alabama knows me as “Bama” when I was a sixth grader. No one knows me as the basketball player in seventh grade that stayed in the papers. They don’t even know the player that I became the first time I played basketball. I became that person out of state, now the life that I forgot about is attempting to erase that person. I will not allow it. Kentucky is where I want to be now. Mobile Alabama is ancient history. It’s trying to rewrite our history, but what it doesn’t realize is that it can’t be done. It’s over because I won’t let it pick up a pen and start all over. When I leave it’ll be a long time before I decide to even think about coming back.
I still haven’t made contact with my dads EX girlfriend for the second time. When school ends Thursday, I’m going over my aunt’s house to see if she got her phone back on. I have to contact her and let her know what I am trying to do before I get transferred to another school. My mom is already trying to move into another house. That’ll kill the connection that I contain to a phone that has long distance on it. So I really hope that by Thursday, my aunt has her phone back on. It has to happen at school. That’s the only way that I know how to do it. I could just simply talk to my family and let them know how I feel. I could do that. Are you crazy? No I couldn’t. You don’t know my family. If they knew about what I was up to, they’d be mad. They just got back. They’re not letting me go. Not again. That’s why I’m arranging it to where they don’t have to. I’m making the decision for them. I fell in love with the life that I created. The life my mom helped me to create and I’m not turning back from it. I’m not starting all over again. I’m going to pick up where I stopped. At least I’m going to try my best to do that. Things will never be the same if I stay where I am now. I have to go, my future awaits me. I will honestly say that when I went outside, I was looking for the boy next door. I don’t know why though. I saw him leave. It dawned on me that he was going to the parade. Uh duh! That was the last time that I thought about him. Today that is though. Well it’s Tuesday night. My two brothers and sister are back from the parade, and they have so much candy that it’s insane. I don’t regret not going. I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I don’t even like parades as much as I used to. I guess that once I left, everything about me changed. I would never be the same person. I changed. I wonder if it was for the better, or the worse. I guess I’ll find out how, won’t I? Thursday is trying to get here really slowly. I don’t even know why I’m worried about it so much, as far as I know; my aunt’s phone might not even be on. I’m getting more and more nervous as days pass about my decision, but shouldn’t I be? At times I’m calm about it because all I really see sometimes is what I want, I never see what anyone else wants sometimes, and how leaving again will hurt them. Sometimes I never really care, and other times, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be torn n between two worlds again. If I’m back here longer than I want to be, it’ll get really difficult. It’ll be even more difficult than it’s becoming already. I never wanted to come back, but I came. I risked my happiness for a life that I no longer wanted. I don’t know why I came back, after I did, I realized what I had done I wondered how I would turn back. I found a way out. Now all that my ride had to do was get here. I hope that you’re not sad about me coming to you about this leaving mess. We will always be friends. Just because I’ll be gone won’t change anything. We will still talk. I promise. I’ll be there, and you’ll be left here, I just hope that you are okay with that. I don’t want you to think that I’m abandoning you, because that’s not what this is. I just wanted the same thing that my heart wanted, and together we were sure never sure if I was going to turn back. Our decision is still pending. I don’t know if we’ll ever issue out a decision. I guess that Eventhough no one likes the good bye part that’s just the way it is. I’ll never understand it. All I can say is, maybe one day. Well, this conversation must come to a close, this is all that really went on today, so until next time. Or simply…until tomorrow.

Until tomorrow
This is where I’ll be
Until the life I forgot
Decides to set me free
Until tomorrow
I’ll exceed my plan
And hope that everyone understands the best they can

Well, it’s Wednesday, February the 6th. Fat Tuesday is officially over. It’s a very beautiful day outside. I thin that not going benefited me a lot. It gave me an extra memory to spend with my mother before I take off again. I just know that when I leave, she is going to try her best not to hate me for it. I don’t know if she’ll take it though. I just hope that she doesn’t cry too long, and face the fact that I’ll be gone. She’ll never let me go because a bond between a mother and daughter can never just be broken. That’s just the way that it is. Nothing in the world can change that. No matter how far away from each other we ever get what she is t me won’t ever change.
So what happened today in a nutshell basically? Well something interesting did happen today that I guess I could tell you about. Well early in the morning at around maybe ten headed towards eleven o’ clock. I was still thinking about the boy next door that I claim is just so unattractive. He is though, that’s why I don’t understand my reason for thinking about him. I must have gone to take out the trash maybe four times. His house is maybe four feet away from mine so I just knew that he would see me. The first three times he didn’t see me, but the fourth time, I guess that he heard me because I got loud on the side of my house. After I took the trash out, my niece Aaliyah was outside. She’s like three. She is a little devil too. She hates me. The things I do for love. I took Aaliyah to the backyard, and the boy from next door had stuck his head out of his door. I guess he didn’t want to look out the window at me anymore. I don’t know. He asked me what had happened. I guess he was referring to the other day when he asked me to come here and I told him no. Was he crazy though? My mom was in the kitchen, and I was right by the window. He was bold as hell. I can’t believe he had the guts to even do that. He asked me was I going to talk to him, and I was like I don’t know. He said, “Oh, you don’t know?”
Then he asked me if I was still a virgin. I was like yeah. I didn’t have anything to hide anyway. He asked so I told him. He asked me if I was going to let him break it. I told him no, plus I didn’t know him. I’m only fourteen so I’m not stupid. I knew better. He then said he had been trying to get to know me. I told him in order to get to know me; he had to come outside to do that. The last thing he asked me was could he call. I paused and told him I would call him so he gave me his number. He tried to convince me to come over to his side, but my niece had disappeared which gave me a reason to get out of what he was trying to get me into. I took of and didn’t come back. Aaliyah and I went in the house for a while and saw that my sister was still in the house cleaning up. She told me and Aaliyah that if we kept her company, then she would come outside. I didn’t want to but Aaliyah did, and we eventually wound up helping. Time went by quicker that way. Before I made it outside, the boy next door I saw was sitting on his porch staring at me. I said, “You still haven’t told me your name.” That’s when he said, “I’m Damien.”
My sister then came outside with my niece Aaliyah and he told me from his house that he would be back. I said OK. Io didn’t care if he never came back, but maybe that’s just what I’m telling you. Who knows? After he got done talking to his friends, we played catch for a minute. Then while my sister and niece were on the porch, he gave me a, “Meet me in the backyard look.”
I can’t believe that I actually did it. I told my sister that I had to use the bathroom giving me an alibi as to where I would be. She told me to tell her what time it was and to turn off the microwave. Okay, now, the kitchen was way in the back of my house, which has a door that leads to the back porch, so if anyone called me, I wasn’t going to hear it. I stepped on the porch while I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was coming. I closed the backdoor, and for a second I waited. Then I saw him on the back of his porch. He got off his phone and told me to come over to where he was, so I did. Accept I didn’t know how to get over to where he was without going to the front and being seen. He pointed to the opening in the middle of the gate on the side of his house. I went on through the gate. He opened his backdoor and told me that I could come in, so I went in, knowing that in about five minutes my sister would be hunting for me. I looked around. His house was pretty on the outside, but junky inside. I knew what he wanted before I walked in. I wasn’t stupid. He opened his room door, and I walked in. it was small. I stood a few steps away from the door once I was in his room while I had my back turned. He locked his bedroom door. He was so touchy really. He kept putting his hands on my backside, but what he was trying to do to me, I of course told him no. I wasn’t like that. I especially wasn’t other girls. That was the difference. He seemed like the type that always got what he wanted, but I shut him down. He wanted to squeeze on my butt and kiss on my neck. It felt so nasty. The neck thing. He kept rubbing his hands up my shorts, and I had to keep pushing them back down. He tried this one other thing that I’m not going to say, but when he did that’s when I told him that I had to go. I opened the back door to his house, but I didn’t leave. We talked for a while about simple stuff I guess. I told him that I wanted to know him, and he respected that a little bit. He had some obsession with my hips. He kept grabbing them, and wanted to smack on my butt al the time. Though I didn’t know him really well, I let him get away with a few things, except the ones I thought were extreme.  So now that you know I’ve done something completely below my standards and expectations, what do you think of me now? I made him peek out of his door to see if anyone I knew was outside. When the coast was clear, I snuck back to my side. Why did I go over there, I can’t really answer? I was just curious, because something of the sort had never happened to me before. I knew my sister was going to be looking for me. I wasn’t stupid. I know a little about the way that she thinks. She knew I was gone too long. She looked for me everywhere, so I couldn’t lie. She got it out of me. She even knew where I had disappeared to. I could only laugh really, because she was right, and she knew that. She said her, my mom, and Aaliyah was looking for me to. I was no where but next door, but couldn’t tell my mom that crap. So me and my sister came up with a story that we were playing hide and seek. It worked like a charm. She didn’t suspect a thing. The next time I sneak over his house, I better be a little bit more careful.
Well hey. It’s Thursday the 8th. Our what, two- day break has ended. So you do know what that means right?
Every time I go to school now, a part of me slowly dies. Everyday what I created slowly disappeared or an attempt to is made at least. I’m back where I started and I can honestly say that it hurts. I never saw the day that I’d be back here. The thing is though, that I’m here. I just came to a conclusion about what I could do about it. As days slowly pass, I realize, and I know now, that this is going to become more difficult then it’s already becoming. The hardest part always seems to be letting go. I believe I found a reason for that being. Once you grow attached to something new, of which you accustomed. I let myself become so used to what I became used to so much that when the life I forgot about came back for me, I rejected it. I rejected it because after three years, I was still mad because it let me go. Now that I got it back, all that I can think about is breaking its heart, because that’s what it did to me. In ways, I am somewhat happy, because if it wouldn’t have let me go I would have never experienced everything I have. So far that it go pity points but just of them to make me love it as much as I once did. I always knew that the day this moment came I would never be glad, but no… a certain series of events changed my mind. My life basically. After three years what I forgot decided it still wanted me, so I came back, Eventhough I didn’t want it. I am only sticking around long enough to make it happy until I called upon time, for the first time in my life to save me. It was all that I ever wanted the life that I created, and I let it go to take maybe a million steps back. As I sit, and think, and think, and ponder… I wonder what passed me to do it. I don’t know. Guilt maybe? Is it just an impulse? Which one? Do you have any idea? It’ll never be like it was; no amount of time can ever bring that back. I thought I knew that. Maybe three years ago, you didn’t know, I understand that. I know where you’re coming from. It’s just that as I pictured the past in my head, I hated it. So I stopped thinking about it. That’s why I know I’ll never feel the same way that I felt about it. Sometimes I just find a place by myself and just cry. It gives me time to just think about things. I feel like I have to hide the way that I feel to please others, and I forget about me. Doing that is putting me in a position that I don’t want to be in. coming back here was kind of my decision. I don’t know why I even did it. I only know that I have to live with the consequences of my decisions and deal with it. In some ways I know that I am a coward because I’m trying to run away from my problems. I don’t think that talking it out could possibly benefit me any, because that’s not the type of person I am. I’ll never just tell you, because that would just ruin the fun. You have to know my strengths and weaknesses. You have to know what makes me sad. You have to know everything. You should know me well enough to know at least that much. You may not know it yet, but you really should. We’ve been through a lot together. It’s been a longtime since you and I have even seen each other, so I don’t expect you to remember just yet. When the time approaches, you’ll understand why you and I are such great friends. Until that time comes, you’re you, and I’m me. Understood?
Anyway, I don’t want to run away, except I can’t take the life that I forgot about back. It’ll just be like déjà vu all over again. I’m going to hurt a lot of people, but I can’t think about that right now, because if I do, I won’t be able to go through with it. It is no longer important to me anymore because I erased it. A long time ago I faced what I had to face, and I got over it. I let it all go because in that moment in time, what other choice did I have? My options were slim to none. Now that it’s back in my life, things seem so different. Nothing is the same as I remember. It’ll never be the same. I knew that the hands of time would never be able to alternate, because like I said, a long time ago… we all make mistakes. Why? Well, because that’s what humans do. I only know though that it is too late for me now. It’s too late to try and bring me back, because I was gone three years ago, and to come back, I would never. I knew that, and so did you. You and I had no choice but to understand. You and I still sort of haven’t officially met yet. I just know you really well. Never in my life would I have thought that I would be sitting here talking to you. I thought for sure that I would never see you again. I guess that I was wrong. I bet you want to know how my day went, now don’t you? Nothing big happened. School was school. You know what that means right? It was hell as usual, just above ground. I got over it, I always do. There was nothing else I could do but get over it anyway. I was so glad we only had to go to school two days before the weekend. That would make it a Thursday that we had to go back. I didn’t want to go the entire five anyway, so I was straight. I’m trying to think of what else there is to say about anything else important that happened. I think that is it really. Today was very boring. There’s not much to do, and not much to talk about really. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. What the hell am I saying? Things are never good at Denton Middle School. I wonder what my decision is going to do to my family. The 1st time was devastating enough. Now I’m doing it again on my own, and without them knowing. That’s messed up right? It is what it is though. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe my family will one- day understand Eventhough I believe that they never will. In my heart I know that one thing is true, and that thing is that I know they will never forgive me for it. They’ll never live this down, I just know it, and I haven’t even left yet. Still I can tell by the happiness in their eyes, and their voices that key me in that leaving is going to hurt them greatly, but I can’t change that. I can’t change what was created for me, and what the life I forgot about is trying to make me forget. I won’t let that happen. In life sometimes, people are meant to have certain things. Sometimes we’re meant to love and lose some things as we go along. Although we may not like it or agree with the decisions that time…. Or simply life plans out for us, but we have to deal with it. I’m going to say goodbye for a moment, and leave you with this. ….
I fed off what you left behind and became powerful. Remember me now? You should be getting really close by now. No?
I’ll holla at you later. A few years ago, that sounded like something you would have said. Who am I? No not yet. I bet you’re wondering how I know everything about you. Well. .. Whoops, I have to run.
It’s Friday, I’m so glad. It came so quick too. That’s what I like about it actually. I was so ready for the weekend too, so for at least two days, I could get away from that terrible school. Maybe it’s the people that go there that I don’t like. Who really knows? You can never really tell with me. I wonder what makes it so hate able to me. Don’t correct me, that is so a word. Anyway, school was iite. That’s the best that will come out of me about that school. I come to class, I sit down and listen. I’m how teachers dream that their entire class could act. That’s flattering. Oh whatever. Nothing excites me, flatters me, nothing. That’s not too hard to believe is it? I’ve just got to tell you about this dream I had last night. I can’t believe I actually remember it, but I dreamt that I was back in Kentucky. Everything was perfect and very normal; on top of that, I still had basketball. I still had my team. My dream was actually in little captions. At one moment I saw one thing, and then the next minute I saw something else. I saw the proud look on the Varsity Coaches face when I didn’t let anyone score in the paint. I made almost every girl on the court look bad. I had so much fun that game. I saw the moment that we as a team shared on the bus after the tournament, and the practice that I jumped off the ground, and on Jesse Forest’s shoulders, and she is just as tall as me. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. Being on her shoulders, I knew she was in pain because I know that I am a very heavy person. It was crazy because while I was in the air I didn’t scream, I was too shocked to even do that. When we fell down it was like the Matrix because we fell down so slow. When she finally dropped me, I was out of breath. That fall knocked everything I had out of me. When I jumped up that high everybody in the gym got really quiet. Nobody knew what to say, but everybody on the team laughed. It was very funny. The Coaches were blowed too. Coach Anderson smiled, Coach Bonds laughed, and Coach T made a joke about it. She leaned over when I walked past her and said, “Shaunice, could you jump on my shoulders?” I was like, “Oh, you got me.” That’s what I said in my mind, I wouldn’t dare speak loud enough to be heard. I have had that dream so many nights, and when I’m awake, I knew the moment that we had our first game I wouldn’t play in it. That’s why when we had tryouts in October, I knew that I made the team before I tried out, but the decision was still very hard. I still followed my heart. I chose the team that I thought would benefit me best. I still lingered on playing for eighth grade, but my chance for that payback would come again when I was a real freshman. Not too long I got to play J-V. I was so happy. See, I had a life. I had everything going for me, and I ran out on it. That’s why I plan on coming back and making up for lost time. I have already missed out on so much. Ya gurl Ladericka got to dress varsity. I was so happy for her when she told me. She really deserved it. My 2007-08 was single handedly stolen away from me. I pursued the life that I wanted to have it disappear. That was never my plan. That doesn’t change the fact that that is still what happened in the end. You never actually ask for things to be taken that are, but it happens. I didn’t know that losing it would hurt so badly though. Maybe I lost it because I thought that it would stick with me no matter what, but it wasn’t. I can only say that I made a terrible mistake; and if I could turn back I would. I lost my entire basketball season to come home and not play for the rest of the year. That’s not what I expected to happen, but life never goes how you expect it. The only explanation is to figure it out on your own. I still can’t lose it now. It’s important to me. To sit and just say that I had it will never be good enough for me. So I’m holding on until I am ready to let go, and I’m not so I have to leave. I feel like if I am making a mistake, then I have to make it. I guess I just have to come back on my own, and that’s if I decide to. If I don’t, then so be it. Get over it. Let me go, that’s what I want you to do. You may not like it much, except you have no choice but to deal with it. That’s how I feel. You hurt me, now it’s my turn to return the favor by switching the roles on you. Honestly, not intentionally, but for the simple fact that my dream got taken. Basketball was all I had besides my poetry. Maybe the relationship that basketball and I shared was simply infatuation, and maybe that’s all that it will ever be. I gave it everything that my heart contained; remember that’s just an expression. I loved and I lost in the same month. It hurt. All that I ever wanted was what I had, and because I’m incomplete without it in my life, I have to get it back. I can’t turn back now, because I have come way too far. I have been through far too much to just give up. I hate to lose it, because it’s not my style. Somebody taught me that. The memory of it all will never go away, because I’m not letting it go. I’m coming back for it with a vengeance to do all the things I should have done; and with no regrets. Just being around everyone on the team made me realize that I can’t lose them. Not yet. I felt a part of something. I felt like part of a team. Something beyond amazing. It was, and then it wasn’t. When that happens, all that can be done is for you to get over it. That’s the only option. What happens if you don’t really like that option though? You are supposed to do something about it. I thought that coming home was the only thing in life that I ever wanted, but now that I have it, its significance has vanished. I no longer see a point for my history to be repeated; especially when I don’t want it to be. Basketball was everything to me, not that I’ll stop playing, because I won’t. It’s just for the simple fact that I realized whet life gives to you; it can be taken away just as fast. How did I forget that? It was never my intention. It seems that when you forget about things, they have their way of reminding you that they are still around and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. All I wanted was just one season, and I couldn’t even get that. Maybe that’s what’s making me hunger for it even more. I think that if I had gotten it, it would have changed things in some kind of way, but who really knows for sure. We don’t.
The reason in which certain things occur may never really be understood. You can have your own interpretation of it, but there is really never an accurate answer. I really hate the way that things are now. I never in a million years thought that I would have, but I do. I want things to go back to the way that they were. I was happy, a part of a team, I meant something. I’m not saying that it didn’t mean anything coming back home, it’s just Mobile and Kentucky are two different worlds. I admired Mobile my entire life, and I got to adore and love Kentucky. What made me desire it the most is that Kentucky loved me back. I found my first love in Kentucky, and losing him I thought that it was the end of the world. That was when I was thirteen, when I was fourteen I had to say goodbye to my second love for a previous amount of time. So it was like a goodbye for now. Eventhough I hated it, I couldn’t do a thing about it. My second love was basketball. I haven’t played a game since the day I left Kentucky. That’s bull, but what I could do besides get over it. Nothing. I can only hope that when I come back, things will be the same as they were. I highly doubt that they will, but I can hope. I have tried to picture coming back so many ways in my head, still each way is different. I know that I was missed, but I only hope that I was forgotten. When I go back to Kentucky, I know a selective amount of things won’t be the same as they were. Certain things will have changed; still I’ll be as happy as I used to be. All I want is my happiness, nothing else matters right now. Things that used to, no longer do. I found what was important to me for the first time in my life. It was just waiting for me for fourteen years, and I waited for it. I know that when I was younger I felt this way about my poetry. See the thing about this story is that my poetry is always going to be in my life. I had it before I had basketball. It always had my back. It understood that I had something else Eventhough we are as tight as we are. It let me have happiness, because at the end of every day, it is what I turned to, basketball or not. It let me create room for something else that I loved, and it appreciated me so much for being honest about it. That’s why it will always be my first love, and then there were two. Basketball was there whenever I needed a friend, when poetry and I weren’t being a team. Basketball helped me to forget a lot of things. Poetry helped me to do the complete opposite; because it helped me to remember. Basketball gave me happiness, and poetry gave me everything. Basketball made me a part of a team, and for that I was glad. It never made me feel alone, until now. I don’t have it right now, but the plan is to get it back. I guess with the two, I’m kind of going backwards and forward. I’m caught in between two. Now poetry is at my side and basketball isn’t. Next it’ll be basketball, and not poetry. When will the madness end? It will never end. Poetry and basketball will forever be at war with eachother. It’s all because they don’t know the meaning of compromise. Now you would honestly think that the two together are indestructible, but they’re tearing each other apart. I have no idea why they hate each other. I hope you’re not confused. I’ll go ahead and tell you what I mean, because I know that you’re wondering. I began writing poetry when I was eight years old in Mobile, Alabama. ; And I began playing basketball when I was eleven years old in Franklin, Kentucky. Do you get it now? I would like to believe you do. I know that back then you wouldn’t understand much of what I’m telling you. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do. I understand a lot of things better than I used to, and you should also. You know it’s really a shame that you and I can never me each other. Our worlds are just way too complicated. I believe we could be so cool. Like sisters even.
What’s today? I forgot. Oh yeah, it’s Friday. You know what that means right? I can sleep as long as I like. It’s the weekend. There is really nothing fun about Friday anymore. I used to get to do something everyday after school. All seven days. There were tournaments, practice, just something to do, all that is gone now. I don’t exercise anymore. No one pushes me to do it, so I don’t do it. I’m so mad, I have gained six pounds. Damnit! I need my team back. Ever since I lost that, it feels like I have lost my place in life, and I don’t wanna feel like that. Basketball means everything to me. It’s all that I have ever known for the past three and a half, almost four years. I have to get back to that. Basketball brought joy to my life. It brought upon a light in my eyes that I have never seen before. I lost myself in 2005, and found myself again. At the end 0f 2007, I lost myself, I lost myself…… then that was it. I know where my completion lies, and it’s not in Mobile, Alabama. Kentucky equals completion; don’t you see how the two just sound so good together? Mobile doesn’t equal all that. I hope that my decision to go back to Kentucky is the right one. I don’t wanna feel any strands of guilt. I don’t want to look back unless it’s my choice. I have a choice to be a part of something grand, that into the palm of my hand, it just wasn’t small enough to hold on to and just carry with me. If I lose out on this, it will be the biggest devastation I have ever faced in my life. When my dad left it really didn’t hurt me as bad as it would hurt most. Maybe I just refused to get mad, because I didn’t really see the point. I may have been what, six or seven. I think I was one of those numbers, I’m not really sure though. He doesn’t know that I remember the day that he walked out, but I do. I just never said anything. I didn’t see the point of getting mad. I was too young to even care. I still couldn’t hide what ever it was that I felt. Yes, there was some anger, maybe a lot of anger, but it never got the best of me.
Three years ago he came back and I and both my brothers moved to Kentucky with him. At the time, I hated the idea, because I wasn’t even supposed to go with him, but it was like a last minute thing. I didn’t even think it was going to be forever, or maybe I just didn’t realize it at the time. Then after the first year of living in Kentucky, I got used to it. Something in my head clicked that this is where I’m going to be so I might as well like it. I might as well try and blend in, Eventhough I think I did too much of blending. The second year is when I started to fall extremely hard. That was when I realized that I didn’t want to be without it. Except deep inside I would always know that nothing perfect ever lasts as long as I wish that it did. I knew that I was right; Eventhough the way that I left hit me by total surprise. I guess the life that I forgot about said that I had been gone long enough. The only thing about that is that the life I forgot about forgot to consult me about its devious plan. It mad the decision alone, and I’ll never forgive it for what it did. That’s why I’m leaving it, and I don’t know if I’m coming back yet. The decision is still pending. I don’t want the question, “should I stay to have to linger in my brain.”
I don’t wanna feel as if I’m being pulled one way, and once I go; I began to be tugged by the other one. That is way too much pain to be inflicted on one person that is just fourteen. Ooh, I’m tired of writing. I’m going to take a break. I’ll give you some time to think about what I just said. I don’t know maybe I’ll go fix me something to eat. That’s where all this extra weight I don’t want is coming from. Oh well though, I have this serious craving for some candy. I’m about to go and get some. So I’ll holla back, I promise. I wonder does anything I’m telling you sound even a little bit familiar to you. Bye now.
Saturday is here. I slept so well. It’s what, almost one O’clock. My evil niece and nephew have worn me out. Well they did. I was sitting up watching TV. around four of five in the morning. Eight O’clock came so fast. I ate junk food the entire morning. My sister had come from work at about two, so that’s how I woke up. She went directly to bed. At nine, I walked into our room and saw that my niece and nephew were no longer asleep. I whispered and told them to come into the living room with me. They came on. For about an hour, they were so quiet and cooperative. Aaliyah did what I asked of her for one of the first times ever, and Jeremy, oh my God, he needed a diaper change. He stank sooooooooo bad. I hadn’t changed a diaper in, I don’t know how long. It was so gross. After that hour passed, of course you know they got loud. It was partially my fault, because I gave them sweets before twelve O’clock. After that, I couldn’t get Aaliyah to sit down anymore. She was still just so cute. She always used me, and I always let her do it. She is my niece, but for three, she is a piece of work. We have our cute moments at times, but other times, well other times are other times. Jeremy on the other hand is an angel. He can eat though for real. For one he has a large appetite, a bigger one than mine. After I changed him and put him in some fresh clothes, it was chaos after that. They wouldn’t come down. That junk food is killer man. After long, they awoke the entire house. I told you they were devils. I told you. I wasn’t supposed to give them sweets, but it was too late. The damage had already been done. I couldn’t tell them no. I always give babies whatever they want from me. They always put me under their cute spell, and I fall like Sanaa Lathan did in love and basketball. I have a soft spot for cute little creatures like Aaliyah and Jeremy. I always get nice and everything. I can never help it. Once my brothers woke up, that’s where I shipped Aaliyah and Jeremy off to. I took them to their room. I was done. I always miss those two little people when they aren’t around, so when they are, they are a pain, but it’s always great. I hadn’t been to sleep since four O’clock that same morning, so you know I was tired. Other than that, morning was awesome. It was all about my niece and nephew today, so nothing else was really important. I slept most of the day anyway. I put my nephew to sleep. We were knocked out. That was my first time putting him to sleep since he had been born. It was simply amazing. I know you’re probably wondering what’s going on with me leaving. It’s been a minute since I have talked to you about that hasn’t it? My aunt’s phone still isn’t on. The process is slowing down so fast. It’s annoying. When I made the first call to my dad’s EX, I should have just told her everything, because it’s taking so long for me to say it. Like I said, with every criminal there is a mistake left behind, and with every mistake, there is room for some place to regret it. There is always room for could have, would have, and should have. Eventhough you never want it to be, because I don’t. Really I don’t. The more time that goes by, the more I miss was once in existence. The more I miss everything that I had, and how much I could have gained, and learned. Still, I guess that when you’re think you’re taking ten steps forward, you end up going backwards. Back into the past is what I really mean. Before things decide that they want to get to deep, I have to run where my heart is telling me to run. I have to go where my heart is telling me to go, because that’s the only way that I can make things alright. It’s the only way I know I’ll be happy, and that’s to be a Ghost Again. Well, I’m breezing through maybe a week because nothing throughout that week was extremely important. So today is Monday, February the eighteenth. You won’t believe who walked into first period this morning. Toni Daniels. I did tell you about her right? After checking, I guess I didn’t. Well, since the first day that I came to Denton, she’s been trying to give me hell. See, I’m 5’8. I have her by maybe seven inches. She’s crazy. She doesn’t know that I will break her in two pieces. Well after long, I told the people in the office about it, so that if we got into a fight, they knew that it was coming. A lady in the office named Ms. Delaney called her out, so I was straight. I wasn’t trying to get suspended, because that would just crush my plans even harder. In third period, she was all-mad, so I knew what was up. Maybe the trick would stop running her mouth, and save herself from a beat down, or maybe she will keep running her mouth and taste my fist down her throat. Which one? I had to wonder. In fourth period, she got her little pet Mercedes if I snitched on her. I asked her what she was talking about and said no. Now you know I’m not scared of the girl, I’m just buying myself some time. She is going to say the wrong thing one of these days, and it’s going to send me on a rampage. I don’t know why she underestimates me. One of these days she’s going to see me, and it’s going to scare her to death. You feel me. Maybe this isn’t the way to do it, but she’ll get what’s coming. She doesn’t seem to know what is best for her. Anyways, she hasn’t been to school since then. I know your girl hatin off my style though, because she started copying off the clothes that I wore. That was in January. It’s the middle of February. I heard that she was going to another school. She should have stayed there. When she walked into first period, it tickled me a bit. How would the end of this month turn out? The crazy bitch gone mean mug me in 1st period. It was amusing to me, because I knew she had nothing better to do than to talk about me. She must be hatin, real talk. I’m going to see how today goes though, and I’ll get back to you on it.
In other news, I can’t believe I only planned leaving. I mean, do you get what I’m saying? I don’t even know for sure that he will agree to the terms of how I want to do this. I don’t even know that he’ll do it. I just have to see though. He knows that one will be better than none. I’m the only kid he has left that loves him enough to come back to him. I have my own secret agenda too, but that’s not important. I can’t believe I didn’t weigh all possible options. After all I have done to get where I am, he better come. I know he will, his ego isn’t big enough not to. All the time he missed with me, he won’t turn up the opportunity for there to just be two of us. He left when I was six or seven. He is still short by a few years. He’s been out of my life more than he has been in it. He may not trust me, though he never did, but now what trust he obtained for me is ancient history. I think I can get it back. You can’t get back something you never even had, so I’m going to try. You know what my answer is if he asks me why he should trust me. I loved you enough to come back is my answer. He’ll eat it up, because it’s true. It’s sort of true.
I talked to my friend Ladericka last night. You wouldn’t know her. This wasn’t your time yet. Anyway, we talked on the phone for about an hour. The more we talk on the phone, the more I realize that I missed out on. I missed all the fun and excitement. I missed the whole damn season… shit!!!
I haven’t played basketball since I left Kentucky. I don’t even know how I made it this long. It’s driving me completely insane. I’m lost without it. Playing with the Lady Raiders was one of the best things I had going for me. I’m not letting it go because it wasn’t time for me to lose it. I missed out on the best thing that I ever had, for a life that I no longer wanted anymore. Time took me back into the past, because I guess I forgot where I had come from. I needed to do that for me. I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t have a choice but to say okay. I never planned for what would be done when the life I forgot about came back. That’s why when it did; I didn’t know how to handle it. I deal with it the best way I know that I can. I’m still blowed about the whole idea. I missed my whole season. I plan to make it up my freshman year. I plan to make up for everything that I missed. I can’t change the fact that I’m quiet, but if it comes back, I’ll try to change for it. I’ll open up to compromise .if I have a definite for sure that if it comes back, well be one, I’d do anything to keep it. Whatever it takes. When you love something, you don’t think about the consequences, and you know I didn’t. You only think about how you are going to get it back. I figured that all out. I understand now. Well, this day isn’t over yet, but that’s all we can talk about for now until later, when something else happens that I decide I want to tell you about. If I decide, that is, but until then, I’ll talk to you later. It’s almost fifth period, and I’m glad because I don’t actually do anything in there. That’s what is so great about it. It’s like a fancy word for P.E. It’s just like physical education. It’s seriously the best part of the day. I’m going to tell you how fifth period is going to operate. Basically I’m going to sit in the bleachers in the gym and do nothing. Class is over at ten thirty. I told you I had three P.E. classes. I do the same thing in all three. Which leads me to say what I’m about to say right now. Every female I see in Denton middle school acts just alike. They wear the same hairdo, the same clothes; it’s the dumbest thing I have ever seen. So I guess that when a girl came along that didn’t do everything the same way they did, they decided it hate me for it. They play follow that follow the leader crap that we used to play in kindergarten. I didn’t though. That’s why all the girls were against me. I like to be different from everyone else. I wear different shoes, different clothes, different everything. No one likes that. That’s the reason I do it. I’d rather be different than be liked, than to be liked because I tagged along behind everyone else, and decided to do the same things that they were doing. That’s not me, it just isn’t my style. I’ll never be like everyone else, because if I become that, being that I’m already lost, I’ll already be gone. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to look myself in the mirror everyday.
What did I tell you? I told you that skanch Toni Daniels was going to do something to piss me off, but just as long as she doesn’t say anything to me.
Man track tryouts are this afternoon. I signed up. I always said that I would run track, and now I have the perfect time to do it. I have to get back into shape. I was in shape, but you know how that goes. I have to get into shape before I go, so my chances will still be good. I plan on playing for the Lady Raiders. No just isn’t an option. I forgot what running that hard felt like. . I was still used to it; my body just wasn’t used to it anymore. My legs hurt so badly after the first lap that I had to go stretch it out, because walking wasn’t what I needed. I signed up for the four hundred meter, but I wound up running the eight hundred meter. Do you know how hard that is to do when you’re not in shape? The track coach doesn’t play. She already talked about that. Coach Harvey is a piece of work. I think I can win her over if I do make the team. Practice is about an hour tops, so it doesn’t actually last that long. There is really not much to complain about. I have to go now. I have to walk to my aunt’s house. After I get there, I’ll probably lie down, and get on the computer or something of that nature.
Well today is Tuesday. I hope this week jets by as fast as possible. I woke up at 5:00 this morning, and I didn’t have to be at school until 7:15. I was so mad. It was said that my aunt got off her job at 6:00, so she would pick me, my sister, and two brothers up then, but she didn’t. My uncle picked us up at around 6:50. I could have slept an extra hour, but no, I had to get up out of bed. If you would have at least seen my face, you would know what I mean. I was tired as a mother……… it didn’t make any since. It’s 7:33 right now. I’m sitting in intervention talking to you. It’s when you sit in class and do nothing for twenty minutes, and then you switch to seventh period. If intervention wasn’t fun for me, I would probably complain, but there is no need for that. Things are not going how I planned them. As days pass the suspense grows, and grows, and grows. I always end up wondering if anyone will find out if I’m trying to leave, and have it be a secret at the same time. I wasn’t planning on being home this long; this is not what I wanted. I just hate that my hoping days feel like they are ending. I have never not played basketball this long since I begin playing. It’s always been about ball for me. I’m trying to make it through; still I don’t know if I can do that. All I know is that until I have the Lady Raiders back at my side, I’ll never look at a basketball the same way again. Since I walked away, I’ve felt miserable. That’s why it’s never been the same for me. Something is missing, and without it, I just don’t know. They say that when you find what you know in your heart completes you, it never goes away. Nope, that’s just my theory, but even so. You do whatever it takes to hold on to it, and it pulls further and further away from you. Then things between you will never be as they were. Even if you decide to come back to it, you’ll know, just like it’ll know, that things will forever be different. That’s just like love. That’s just the way that it goes. The life I forgot about and the life I created and the life I forgot about sound similar don’t they. It’s like leaving one guy I have always loved for another one; because I thought that I was getting something better. I mean, don’t give me that face, I know that’s what it sounds like, but that’ll never be what it is. That’ll never be what it’s about for me. I did fall for someone, but I had to say good bye. His name was Brian Troutt. I loved that boy with all my might. I don’t know why, but I was just crazy about him. I didn’t understand why he had the type of that he had on me. Brian was all that I ever thought about. In the mornings before he came into the class, I used to stare at the door until he walked in. when he looked into my eyes, I just melted. I couldn’t control it. I know that I’m probably embarrassing him or surprising him with the way that I felt about him in my story. His face will probably turn all red, or whatever it does. Now though, if I had that one chance to go back to the day that I left, I would have told him, but I didn’t. I’m a different person now, so that’s all I can say about that. This isn’t seventh grade anymore. I’m not the same person that I was when he knew me. I could probably surprise him. I don’t know what his type of feelings was, but I’m trying not to care because we were always from two different worlds, even though that’s not what I cared about. If he does ever read this, at least he knows. I’m not asking for us to be together, because it’s obvious that it can never happen. I’m just glad that after all this time; I got the truth out, even if it was in a story. Seventh period will be over soon, but I don’t care. We can just talk in math class.
Remember that boy I told you about that lives next door to me? Well, he thinks that he’s slick, he is tryna play me. How about me and my brother were outside playing in the backyard and he was tryna get my attention. My brother went into the house to get me some lotion because I was ashy.
He said, “Was sup. So youn talk to me no more.”
I was like,” I called you yesterday” and that was all I said. He called another girl on the phone while he was tryna talk to me. I was like,” Oh my God are you serious.”
He had her on speaker phone and everything, because he thought I was going to get mad, I guess. I didn’t care. See, I’m gonna get him, before he tries to get me. I went in the house on him and shut the door. I bet he felt like a real dummy, but players are gonna play. Not me though, hahahaha. He can take that mess somewhere else, and that’s real. He’s not getting this one. I’m just messing with his head. So I just know you’re just wondering why I called him right.
  Well there’s the bell, I have to run.
Oh yeah, back to our conversation. I don’t even know why I called him. With every action there is a purpose though. He knows I heard his conversation. That was his way of letting me know it was a girl. It was a simple cry for my attention, so that was really nothing. He wants the best of both worlds; well he’s not in mine.  Sixth period is coming to a close in about ten minutes. After fourth and fifth period, school jets by. Track tryouts are after school again. I hope I came prepared, because I’m not even sure. Yesterday I realized that I hadn’t run in a long time. That’s not really a good thing, but I can get back to it I hope. Right now, it’s like 9:27. I don’t know what is going to happen in fifth period. I hope we don’t have to go outside. It’s already cold, so we better not go outside. I don’t want to go in the locker room either. We did that yesterday and I hated it, it was so stupid.
So right now, I’m sitting in fifth period, doing nothing actually. I’m working on this other story that I began writing a long while back. I guess now is a good time as any to finish this story seeing that all I have is time these days. I procrastinated on it for so long, I feel like I have to dedicate some of my time to it. I lied. We just might go outside. It’s way too cold. It’s insane, but the first P.E. class had to go outside. I don’t know where the other P.E. teacher is, but I’m glad about that. I’m not trying to go outside, and we better not go next period. Well, Coach H just came back. It looks like we’re going outside. Talk to you when I get back.
Just three more classes left. I’m in fourth period right now. I can’t wait until the end of the day. I think I may actually enjoy track tryouts today. I just came back from outside. It wasn’t all that cold. It was sort of hot outside. Anyways, it’s time for lunch right now. I’m out of things to talk about, so see you when I see you. Iite den shawty. I’m back. Didn’t I leave you in fourth period? Yeah, because I went to lunch. It’s like 1:00 in the afternoon. I told you school flies by after fourth and fifth period. I’m in Language Arts. Language Arts is like my favorite class ever because I get to write and learn about stuff that I actually enjoy. The only reason I think I like Language Arts is like my favorite class, or English, either one because of my seventh grade teacher Kelly Brown. She was my favorite teacher in the whole world. Still as you know, seventh grade doesn’t last forever. It had to end. If you want to know more about that, you can read “Losing 2006.”
There is some deep stuff in that story. You should read it if you ever get the chance. Like I said though, Kelly Brown is the best teacher in the world to me. No one can top what she did for me. No teacher can top Mrs. Brown. She’s the reason I talk the way that I do. She changed me, no she saved me. Our little vendagement had to be cut short though. That was because I found out that I was moving. She was not happy about it at all, but I couldn’t change that. Neither one of us could change that. 2006 was the year that I walked away from Brian, and cried for weeks. As time passed I got over it. I had no choice. I don’t think that I’ll ever be over him though. Moving around from place to place inflicted so much pain on my behalf. That’s why when I got to Bowling Green, I thought that was it for me, and it will be, very soon. I can’t change the person that I am, no not again. I’m sick of it. I’m going to do what is required here at home, just until I get my break.
I always said that I would go out for track, but the honest reason I think I chose to do it now is because I needed something to do. It doesn’t matter too much to me at this particular time. Maybe down along the line it will get to be a major part of my life, but right now, it’s just something to fill the spaces of incompletion that lies deep within. I can’t make room for it just yet. I can’t make room for it in my heart yet anyway. It’ll just have to be something that is there. I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to put forth the effort that is required to take on a brand new sport just because I’m bored. It’s something that I have always wanted to do, but it’s not the right time. It just doesn’t feel right. Since basketball isn’t here right now, I have to do something to occupy my time, even if that means running track. I’m not really over basketball. I don’t know if I will ever be. I just put what we had on something called Layaway. It’s just until my plans exceed as I plotted them. That way basketball and I can be together again. That’s all I want, because that’s how I planned it. Now, I believe basketball adores the fact that I’m leaving poetry for it. I know that it does. That’s why poetry doesn’t know about this. Poetry has to know that it’s my heart, and that it’ll always be around. Still I gave basketball the power that poetry once contained. So statistically, basketball is sixty percent of me, poetry is twenty five percent of me. Track is three percent of me, and the fact that I want to pursue singing is twelve percent of me, because I’m too shy, and too scared to even do it. I don’t know why, that’s just me. It’s just the way that I operate. Those are my dreams summed up into numbers. The one that contains the most power is the only one that I want, and I’m going to get it. I am going to get it back. That’s a promise. Second period will be over in about forty five seconds, nope forget that second period is over. The bell just rang, so I need to get to first period like now. I hate to do it again, but we have to talk after track tryouts today.
Well, it is seven O’clock. Three thirty has come and gone huh? It was all really an accident. Time got ahead of me. I didn’t do badly at try outs. I actually think that I did pretty well. My shorts kept scooting up to my stomach. That was so uncomfortable that it didn’t make any sense. I can’t believe that I even got tired. Basketball conditioning for High School wasn’t even this easy. I’m just out of shape. Girls are trying out that have no chance, but that decision isn’t up to me. I have a good chance of making the team. The thing is Coach Harvey has fifteen uniforms, and thirty people trying out. One of those uniforms are mine, please believe me. You know what that means for the other fifteen don’t you? Some people are getting cut like Swiss cheese. She said she is going to be making cuts and timing people on their runs at the mile tomorrow. Well, I’m going to see what I can do because I better not get cut. Maybe track is my third chance. I have already had two, and now I’m making room for three. I don’t know if that’s exactly a good idea or not. I guess that if we make the team, we will see. If I can make it through these cuts, then I’m good, but if I don’t, then I just proved what I already said. It’s what you already know basically. It just wasn’t the right time. That just means that my heart wasn’t ready to create space for something new. I was tired of having to get used to that. My heart wants what it has been used to. My heart doesn’t want to over load, or better yet be over powered with extreme emotions that tear it down. That’s no longer the way that things operate. They will never operate that way again. Right now I’m at my aunt’s house. Since she didn’t pick me up at after try-outs, then she should be home briefly. After that, she’ll probably take me and my brother’s home. Yeah, that’s her walking in right now. See, first she’ll check her E-Mail. Then she’ll tell us to get ready, and then we’ll go home. That’s the routine everyday we are over her house unless we are spending the night.
I’m at my house. That was fast wasn’t it? Yeah, I know. Well, this is just about it for me. My stomach hurts. I think I know why it does. I’d honestly rather not say really. It’s sort of difficult for me to say, just because it’s weird. Just like it’s weird to you. So right now, I’m going to lie down and go to sleep. So I’ll see you in the morning. Good night. Sleep tight.
Hello. I’m back. A good morning it is…not. I know I had you going there for a second. The back of my legs are killing me. Track try outs were yesterday, so you know why. I’m actually kind of used to my legs hurting from basketball conditioning. One time during conditioning, held on a Thursday, conditioning was tough. My legs hurt all the way up to Tuesday of the next week. I could barely walk without my legs burning. So I’m used to it really. I can deal with the pain. I’m mentally and physically tough. I never quit. It takes a lot for me to give up. I was taught that you never quit. You always look forward to where you’re trying to go. This mile I have to run today is going top separate the quitters from the ones that won’t quit. Angie Anderson taught me that you must never give up, so I’ll never give up, because it’s not in my nature. Intervention will be over in at least a minute, so I’ll have to go shortly. I’ll hit you back up in seventh period. I don’t have anything important to do in seventh period, so I’ll talk to you then.
It’s fifth period now. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you when I said I would, but I was having some serious issues. I feel like I just want to lay down in a fetal position. That’s just how bad I feel. I called my aunt to see if she could bring me something for my pain. She should be here shortly. She has to go to work at twelve, so I hope she hurries along. It’s already ten. I just came from back outside for fifth period. Fourth period starts at ten thirty, so I can just sit here until everybody shows up.
I had to stop writing, my stomach started to hurt really bad. Well, school is close to over now. I don’t know if I can make it through try outs today. Well, my aunt did bring me something for the pain, at 12:15. I wanted to cry so badly. Right now it’s one thirty. I actually feel a little bit better. On my way to second period, I felt like I had to puke. I’m glad that I didn’t though. Girls would have assumed things about stuff of which they knew nothing about. That would have pissed me the hell off. I just took a test in Language Arts. I didn’t even study. I just remembered what I put on my study guide. On top of that, I learned all this stuff last year. There’s the bell. I have to go.
Well, well, track practice has ended. We went to Davidson High School so that the track coach could time us on our runs. I wound up doing the eight hundred instead of the four hundred meter. I was so tired after the first lap. I had one more to go. I still ran the two laps though. Coach Harvey told me that she believed I could do it.
I watched others run the four hundred, which is one time around. See, I learned some things from basketball conditioning when I used to run. You never go full speed at first. You must run at a steady pace. The girls that tried the mile learned that the hard way. After the first lap they were huffing and puffing. They had three more laps to go. They didn’t complete the mile.
After track try outs at three thirty, I walked to my aunts’ house. Some girl named Deedra was going the same way that I was, so we walked together until she had to go her way, and I had to go mine. She talked the entire way, but it was fine. I needed friends, even though I highly doubted that she’d ever be one. We’re too different. I watched movies until maybe six or seven O’clock. My uncle came home during the second movie to take me home. Once I made it home, I ate some hamburger helper, and chocolate. You know cramping and chocolate don’t really mix. It’s not like I really care though. I can’t keep my eyes open I’m too tired to go on. I’ll talk to you in the morning though. You should get some sleep too, you look exhausted. Ttyl.
Well, today is Thursday, and I’m at school right now. We have this assembly this morning, and I really don’t want to go to it, but it beats sitting in class. I hope they call it in sixth period. Math class is just too boring to sit through. That’[s where I’m headed, so I hope I get out of class. We have an exam that I know I’m not going to pass. The intercom just came on. We don’t have class. Yay. The whole sixth period is cut. I can’t bring my notebook though, so I’ll talk to you when it’s all over.
The assembly isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Cheryl Littlejohn actually said a lot of things that made a whole bunch of sense. What she said that really had me thinking was when she told seven athletes to look towards the future in front of them. She said looking back is just a bad habit, so don’t. When someone did look back, she said, “Why are you looking back? Your future is that way.”
I’m telling you this because looking back is one of those bad habits that I have. I just can’t help it. If I don’t look back, I feel like I’m leaving something behind. I have to take my head, and place it over my shoulders sometimes. My past has helped mold me into the person that I have become. I can honestly say that being in Kentucky saved me in some ways. If I hadn’t moved to Kentucky in the time frame that I did, it would have been over for me. I learned how to be mature, and how to listen. Everything that Cheryl Littlejohn talked about in the assembly made a lot of sense. She personified a lot of the things that she said because she took the objects she had, and she gave them human characteristics. It was kind of somewhat amazing. What she talked about was worth giving a serious listen to. I hope that a lot of adolescents in the gym understood a little of what she was saying. Its funny how I used that term isn’t it? I’m an adolescent myself. The only difference is that I’m a mature one.
I guess now is a good time as any to tell you that I made the track team. Exciting right? I guess if you like that type of thing. I told you that it takes a lot to excite me. I wasn’t excited when I made the freshman and J-V team. I was happy, but I wasn’t excited. I just tend to stay content about such things. I wonder where I got that from. I guess I just save face, so that I don’t get disappointed later.
It’s wet outside, so we get to stay in for P.E. that’s great.
Coach H said that today for practice, we’d stay in the gym and do some sprints up and down the basketball court. She said we’d try out the hurdles, and the high jump. That’s just insane. It wouldn’t hurt me to try it though, I guess.
Coach Harvey said we won’t have track practice Friday because her daughter has a volleyball tournament that she wants to go to. That’s good and all, but you can’t give an out of shape track team an extra day off, because they almost never run on their days off. They relax their legs. Maybe she didn’t know that though, or maybe she just didn’t care. I wonder how intense Monday’s practice will be. I’m just saying though, but that’s just my theory of thinking. So tomorrow I can go home. This is the only time I think I can ever get a Friday off. There’s one more day before the weekend. You know how great that is? So, I have no plans for Friday. That cancels that conversation. Saturday, I don’t really know. I don’t know what I’ll be doing, but I can guarantee you Sunday. Right now I have to go to third, and see what Mr. Hunt is going to attempt to try and teach.
Well, it’s Sunday. I told you that I’d be here didn’t I? So I woke up this morning at maybe seven thirty. I made sure that everyone was asleep, then went into the kitchen and made some amazing pancakes. I had to be quiet because I supposedly couldn’t cook. I think I woke maybe one person up out of five. I awoke my moms’ boyfriend Peter. I found out that pancakes were his favorite. I really made them for my sister, but she didn’t eat them, so I gave them to my brothers. They played sleep until I said that the first person that looked at me got my pancakes. They both jumped up; because it works Every time. Who knows them better than me? Nobody.
Now I have honestly developed commitment issues as I would define it. When I mean is that I can never call any one of my dads’ girlfriends, or my mom’s’ boyfriends’ step mom, or step dad. I just can’t do it. I guess now I understand why my mom and dad decided to part. I also know that no matter who each one of them is with, they can never compare to your real parent. Of course they want to be there for you, and provide for you, and that’s all really sweet. Still, I can’t call them what they secretly want to hear. It has to be enough, even if it isn’t.
Right now it’s about seven O’clock at night. Sometimes I can only talk to you at night, because I lose track of time, and you just have to deal. Sometimes I can only talk to you throughout the course of the day, because it’s very rare that I ever have that kind of time. I played football with my two brothers all day after my sister went to work. Guess who decided to come outside because I was outside? Damien. My two brothers and me were playing football, and he and his brother came outside to play catch. He decided that he was going to come over to my end of the street just so he could stand by me. It was crazy, but kind of sweet I guess. No one actually knows that he and I are talking; because they think we just live next door to each other. We actually sell it really smooth. My sister is the only one that knows. So when we talked to each other outside, we had to make it look innocent. We just talked about simple things. Stuff like what? Well, just about he and I and…but that’s in his dreams. He just doesn’t know that yet. At maybe about four thirty when people decided to come outside, we played a game. He was on the opposite team, so he was my opponent. I just knew that I was going to crush him to pieces right? Well, that’s not exactly what happened. I didn’t know until the game started that he played dirty. He kept touching me when I defended him really close, and kept grabbing me when he thought no one was looking. It was just weird because people were around. Still, playing football was actually fun because he was outside. Even if he was a you know what. You probably don’t know; so I mean a freak. Can you believe that no one outside caught on? We’re trying to keep it discrete, I think, but I don’t know.
I almost got caught earlier. I met up with him outside in the backyard. He jumped over his fence, and came over to my porch. I just kept peeping to see if anybody was coming while he was talking to me. He had this infatuation in intelligent terms with my hips. Read between those lines to figure out what I mean.  My mom shouted shortly after, and we broke up what we were doing. That’s when I told him to run. He jumped over his fence so quick. I walked back into the house and caught my mom. She asked me what I was doing. I told her nothing all quiet because I was guilty, but she didn’t see past that lie. It’s a good thing that she didn’t. At about six thirty, my mom said we had to come in the house. We had school tomorrow. I forgot, man! My school clothes aren’t clean, but my aunt said she would was them. So right now, I have to holla back, and go think about some stuff. Stuff like what we were doing when no one was around. You would like to know, but that’s my business, not yours. Don’t you hate it when that happens? That’s just too bad. I’ll think about it, and get back to you on that note. I got things to do, so deuces. That’s the new word I just learned. You wouldn’t know about that yet.
Forget about how school went today, because it was stupid. Don’t ask me why it was stupid, because I don’t know. I just hate it okay. I hate Denton Middle school. I hate the ground that the school sits on. I still miss what being in Kentucky was like. I just fell in love with the way that things were…the way things used to be.  The difference between now and then is major.
Then, I had everything I had only dreamed of, and I was happy. Now, I’m semi-happy, but it’ll never be like it used to be. It’s not the same. It can never be the same, because Eventhough I had it all my life, it lost its place after three years. Something benefited from me leaving Mobile, Alabama. I benefited from it.
Sometimes I sit and think…even wonder, if this hadn’t have happened, what type of person would I be? Where would I be? I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I can’t go back to the way that things were because that’s no good for me. Today’s Monday. I’m back at home, and I’m really bored. I’m thinking about calling Damien tonight; but his mom scares me. I do call him on her phone. I’ll think about it though. I’m actually starting to like him a lot, so I’ll see what’s up at nine. That’s the only time my moms’ phone is free. Me and my sister are about to go wash clothes, and that’s going to take a minute. I’ll talk to you when we get done.
Man it’s almost none O’clock. It took a long time for all these clothes to dry. It wasn’t all that bad. I watched this TV. show called “The Moment Of Truth” so that made time go by faster. This lady on the show was crazy to answer all these personnel questions that she did; and she still lost. She lost two hundred thousand dollars. That is a lot of money.
Anyway, its nine O’clock, and I want to call Damien, but when I looked at his window, the light was off. I’d dial the number and hang up. I would debate whether I should press call or not. I did that maybe four times. I finally pressed the call button at nine sixteen. I let the phone ring one time, and then I hung up. I left my moms’ phone in the living room and went into my own. When I came back, the phone said one missed call. See, I knew I’d get a call back.
“Hello, did someone just call here? I asked.
“Yeah well, somebody jus called me.”
I knew then that was my q to cut in.
“Oh yeah is Damien sleep?’’
“He should be.”
I told her okay, and she said she would tell him that I called. She asked me my name, and realized that I was the same girl that called the night before. That was the end of our conversation. It was nine twenty. I couldn’t believe he had to go to sleep so early.
Ten minutes later my moms’ phone rang. I looked at it and saw that it was the number that I had just called. Damien’s voice is so deep on the phone. I didn’t know it was him until he asked to speak to me. We talked on the phone until ten something. I snuck outside to see him, and he snuck outside to see me. It was so dark outside. It was innocent really. I just gave him a letter that I wanted him to read. My mom’s phone rang five minutes later. It was Damien. He read that letter fast. This time when he asked to speak to me, I told him that I was asleep. That sounds stupid doesn’t it? He rally didn’t think it was me. He was about to hang up until I told him that I was just playing. I could tell he liked my letter. He kept quoting everything that I wrote. I didn’t want to hear what I wrote out loud. It was just weird. He read my letter at least three times over the phone. I know because I asked him what he was doing, and he told me he was reading my letter again. I was like…again? I was also laughing while I struggled to say it. There was some good stuff in that letter for real. That doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you what kind of things. In the back of your mind, you should have the slightest idea. You should have a little sense of acknowledgement. I mean, I write for fun. I’m creative. I was talking to him on the phone trying to iron my mom’s clothes at the same time. It was difficult, but I wasn’t about to tell him that I’d call him later. It was already almost eleven O’clock. He wanted to know why I couldn’t just tell him, instead of writing it down. That’s how he found out that I was shy. He’s actually sweet in his own little way; but he doesn’t know me the way that he wants to know me. He wants to be my first, but I don’t plan on doing anything grown up anytime soon. First of all, I want it to be real and not just something that I did, and not even be sure if I should have or not. That’s how mistakes get made. Sex just complicates things. It toys with the lives of people, and their hearts. That’s where people get regrets from. They are a part of the mistakes that they make. I’m not stupid. I got off the phone with Damien at ten forty five. His mom wanted her phone back, and he had to go to sleep. It was actually perfect timing because my moms ride was outside, and she needed her phone. Now, I actually had a bit of a problem. He told me that he would call me back, so that meant tonight. So if called, my mom would answer the phone. I’d be in some shit. I thought about going to tap on his window and tell him not to call me back. Hell nah right? I can’t do it. I peeked out his window and saw that his light was out, so I figured that he was sleep. That was good, and relieving. My sister was on the phone talking to her friend crystal, so you know of course that I interrupted her conversation. It wouldn’t be me not to do it. Now Damien told me he didn’t have a girlfriend, in spite of the conversation I had heard. I believed him; but do you think I should I should have done that? I guess we’ll find out if he’s lying, or if he’s being truthful. I’m leading him on, and I’m wrong for it, but there is a reason for everything I do. I just thought of something. When I was writing that letter to Damien, I realized I had never done that before. I was being a girl. It was weird because I had never done it before. That was the first time. There’s a first time for everything right? I don’t wanna become really feminine. I would hate that. I like the way I am. There are a lot of feminine things about me, but I don’t want everything about me to be that way. I have to balance them out. That’s what makes me stand out from most girls. Now, I don’t want to get a life, and at the same time be preparing to leave. Track is trying to become a part my life, and Damien is trying to get all inside my world. I can’t let myself get used to this life again. I know I’m holding on to the past, because I’m rejecting everything else that crosses my path. Honestly I wasn’t planning on going out for track until I was at least sixteen. The only reason I have is so that I can get back in shape before freshman tryouts in Kentucky. I still remember every play except two of them. I just know that I want to be more mentally challenged then when I played freshman my eighth grade years. All the varsity team scares me. I don’t know why, but they do. You know, I was so quiet that I didn’t give anybody much to go on. I was the girl that wrote poetry and played basketball. I was the equation that no one could decipher. Most of all, I was the quiet girl that wished I could be like everyone else. I just never had the courage to open my mouth. That’s the only wrong I feel like I ever did, and sometimes I hate myself for it. Other times, I just don’t know what to feel. I know though, that I don’t want to leave and have regret on top of doubts. I don’t want to leave to leave wondering whether I should have stayed, or left. I know that I don’t want to wonder. I don’t want to find something else that I enjoy, and it leads me in the direction of possibly staying. I feel as if nothing can change my mind. I don’t think that anything can. It appears that love is really not enough this time, because I only have enough for where I have been. My heart is full. Couldn’t I love my family enough to make them happy, and let them keep what they haven’t had in forever? It feels like forever that we have been here. I do love my family; I just can’t stay for them. That’s why they don’t know about it. One day I’ll just be gone. With only a trace of a blue notebook that has my good bye to you printed on the front of it. It’s almost twelve O’clock. I need to go to sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good night.
Well, today, you and I are just going to talk. Not and not what class I’m in, and not what’s going on at school. That’s outplayed. I know it’s going to be a while before my plans exceed as I plotted them. I’m trying my very best to deal with it, but there is no way. Each day gets harder and harder. They say that as days past things are supposed to get easier as we go along. That’s the case sometimes, but this time, it’s different. Right now, that doesn’t exist. I’m tired of having to pretend that I’m okay with the way things are right now. I’m tired of having to fake like I’m happy with the way that things have become. I’m in love with another time and another place. I can’t help the way that things have turned out, and I definitely can’t change the way that I feel. If I don’t go back, I’ll lose everything that I ever worked for, and on top of that, everything that I created. If I don’t go back, everything I said would have been a lie, so would everything that I did. If I don’t go back; so much for the future that I had planned for me. If I don’t go back, I’ll lose sixty percent of me that I gave the life that I created and be incomplete forever. I never got that sixty percent of me back. I’m missing it, and I’m slowly loosing it. Before that sixty percent of me alters to zero, I have to go and chase down my dream. I can’t let it get away this time. I can’t let it get to zero. I got a chance to see what life would be like back home, and now I want to go in the opposite direction of home. I know that I’m stealing my mom’s second chance at happiness, but my time is now, and I can’t just let the clock tick and tic away. I’m on a major limit, and I think I’m going overboard. Leaving is going to tear my family apart, but I can’t help that. I would sound selfish if I said that’s not my problem, but that became my problem the day that I left Kentucky, so I won’t say that. I guess that I discovered the way to hurt, just as I was hurt. It seems like I hold all the power in my hands, and soon I’ll probably use it in my mass of destruction. Sure I appear sweet and understanding and I try to be; that really doesn’t mean I am because I try to be, does it? It seems like I cam back with a vengeance, doesn’t it? You can kind of say that, because I did come back mad; but I pretended not to be. I let my mom and all my family members to believe that I was glad to be back. I was glad to see them all, but to be back, I wasn’t happy at all. Once I was back, I was back. For days, I played the roll that I needed to play. This show has been airing way too long, and I’m getting tired of this goody goody show. I’m ready to change the channel. I’m ready for something different. If I stay, then I’m bound to be unhappy for as long as I shall breathe. If I stay, basketball will never be the same to me. I’ll always see it as this sport I used to play and love, until it got taken from me. I’ll never look at a basketball the same way again. Every time I hold a basketball in my hand, it’ll be dreadful. Every memory. Every moment. Every second of my life. If I stay, everything that I loved, that’s it for it. It’ll be a story that I tell people about. I don’t want it to be just a story, because it has always been more than that. Basketball and I officially met when I was twelve years old. I didn’t know it then, but that was the start of something amazing. I knew together we would make history. Our bond would be so tight, it’d be like we waited our entire lives for each other…and I was right, that’s just how it was. When I left any gym that I played in, people remembered my number. I was the girl that jumped four feet in the air and blocked that girls shot. I was the girl that scored those important points. I was her. I was it. There were some big plans lain out for me out for me. The Varsity coach said she was going to turn me into a monster on the court. I remember that day. That was a Sunday. We took basketball pictures. You know, some of us had on blue and gold. The wind was blowing hard that it slapped some of us in the face. Hair was blowing every which way. Plus, we were standing on a train, and the guy taking the picture would take so long to snap the button. He would say try not to blink, but a lot of us couldn’t help it really. We didn’t know if he had taken the picture or what. Sometimes he just snapped the picture. The individuals were crazy. I was only wearing the gold and blue uniform. That’s basically shorts and a tank top, but the point is that I was freezing. I didn’t have on a jacket, or any sweat pants. It was so cold outside. Coach Anderson and a girl named Kate Holmes crunched beside me so I could get warm. It didn’t help. I was shaking so badly, but at the same time it was so funny because Kate gave me her jacket and it still didn’t help. We all started laughing, and because it was so cold, my smile just wouldn’t erase. Now I don’t smile in pictures, but in these I did. I couldn’t help it. My face felt so stiff. That was a fun day. It was one of the best I can say that I ever had.
I have so many memories in Kentucky. The worst part about leaving is that I left my life in Kentucky. Two thousand and something poems, and I have not one of them. My mom said that I can start over. Yes, I have my whole life ahead of me. That’s absurd. I can’t start over. Yes, I have my whole life ahead of me, but I and poetry have a history together. We can’t rewrite what we don’t remember. We thought that we had forever together, but we were mistaken. We were wrong. We never saw the day that anything could ever become between us. I guess we were both so blinded by the promise that we with held in our hearts.
“Forever.”
How were we so wrong? I wonder how things got this way. Who is the blame? Whose fault is it? Is anyone at fault? Or did it happen because that’s the way the world we live in works. You don’t always get what you want. That’s like a five year old in a candy store begging for candy, but you can’t have any. See, you never get what you want. You don’t get it all the time anyway. Most of the time things never go your way, and the other twenty percent of the things you want do. That’s just my theory of thinking. There are so many dangers to saying good bye and letting go. You never technically think that any of it is actually real, until you end up saying it. It’s never real until you’re packing up and moving on to a life that you’re a few hundred miles away from knowing. It’s never real, until it’s staring you in the face saying let’s go. Time decided to intervene early, and never thought about warning me. All I had the chance to do is go with the flow. That’s always the case; especially in my life.
Leaving began to define the type of person that I became……and it’s the type of person that I have yet to become. I don’t know why, but it always feels as though I’m running away. Sometimes I am running. Yeah, you’re right. It’s actually an all the time thing. That’s what I do. When things come into being that I don’t want to face, I run. I search for my exit slip. It took me all of two months to find it. I’m the “Good Bye Girl.”
This is what helped lead me to the story that I haven’t written yet. I mean, that we haven’t written yet. I didn’t tell you about that. I’m sorry, my mistake. I try to keep stuff like that under my radar, but it always has its way of surfacing. It’ll surface, and if you don’t know, it’s because it hasn’t surfaced just yet.
By the time this journey is over, you’ll wonder where I have been your entire life. We’ll be so close that it’s like we’re one. Trust what I’m saying to you, trust me. I know a lot of what I’m saying doesn’t quite make a lot of sense, but it’ll all be over soon. Remember how I told you that leaving defines me? Well it’s going to define us. We never understand the reason that things happen, but when it’s over, you’ll know. You’ll feel stupid because it was staring you in the face the entire time. You were just too blind to even see it. I know that I’m using a lot of riddles, and suspicious words to cover up what I’m trying to say, but you’re supposed to know this stuff. What! You’re telling me that you don’t? That must mean you’re slacking, or I’m just getting better as I go along. I never thought I’d hear admittance come from your mouth, wow. That must mean that I’m nothing like I used to be. You.
See, by telling you the answer to the equation, my story wouldn’t make any sense. So, I’ve got to keep the suspense flowing until the end. It’s killing me as much as it’s killing you, because I’m ready to spill. I can’t though. My identity as well as yours is just going to blow your mind away. It would have never crossed my mind. Believe me, I’ve gotten that good.
One day, I would like you to tell me your story. I wonder how your life is, and if it’s better than mine.
Today’s practice was sort of intense. We went to Davidson High School and ran on their track. Coach Harvey still had a few more cuts, so that’s why we were there. All we do is run of course. She showed us technique drills, and how we were supposed to stay in our own lanes. If you cut into another lane, you get disqualified unless you break into lane one. We have a track meet in like a week. We’re honestly not going to be ready, but oh well. We’re going to have to do our best. I’m going to be a nervous wreck. I hope the fact that I’m so nervous doesn’t mess with my game. It probably will, but I guess I just have to beat it the best way I can. Track is very challenging. It’s nothing like I thought that it would be. When you’re not the one who has to run it, ting around a four hundred meter track looks very easy. That’s until you’re out on the track discovering that it’s not as easy as you thought. I know that I’m starting to mention track a lot, but I have no choice. It’s the sport that I turned to. I just have to occupy my time though, because if I don’t do something, it’ll drive me to my breaking point. Hell, it’ll probably drive me insane. I can’t just sit around awaiting my disappearing magic trick. It won’t work that way. By the time I leave, I’ll be back in shape the way that I used to be. I won’t look like the slowest person on the basketball team. You know, I wonder how people will react when they see me again. You know what’s funny? I haven’t even planned my get away, and I’m already thinking ahead. That’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever done that. I can’t help it. I want to see my basketball team again. I want to see all my friends again. I want to see that #42 jersey waiting for me. I want to see all the coaches with smiles on their faces. Most of all, I want to see all those people in the stands shouting my name, and my number when I do something that just blows their minds away. That’s one of the things that I miss the most. The crowds, the fans, and the large basketball court with lady raiders printed on it. I miss my school; I miss everything about Warren East. I never in a million years thought I’d hear that come from my mouth.
You know, it’s amazing. I told a boy named Matthew Cooke that I was leaving. He turned around and he asked me a question. He said,” Which one do you like better? Kentucky or Alabama? For am moment I was quiet. I didn’t know. I had no idea. If he would have been around to ask me that question three years ago, Alabama would have been my answer. I don’t know anymore. That’s what I told Matthew, because I really didn’t know.
I always said that moving back to Mobile, Alabama would be the happiest day of my life; but it’s not the happiest day of my life. I can’t believe it, but it’s true. It’s one of those days. I wasn’t ready for it to come back, but I can’t change the fact that it did. I understand why it came back to me, but I don’t like it. A long time ago, it hurt me; and I feel like it’s my turn to hurt it. I want it to hurt as bad as it made me hurt. I want it to pay for the nights that I cried because of what it had done to me. It left me, alone. It’s my turn to make it feel like I felt; pain, abandoned, hurt, and damaged. I want it to feel my rage a hundred miles away. The road and I are best friends. We always find our way to each other. We’re destined to be together, until something comes along the way and tells us that we can’t. Something that separates us. It has to be something that tells us we can no longer be together, but until that time…this is how it’s gotta be.
Well, there’s one more day left in this five day week. That’s also one more day left in this month before March. I can’t believe it’s here already. I planned to be gone before this month got here. Things change though, don’t they? I hate when that happens. I don’t wanna be here when summertime starts. I won’t have a way to leave then. I won’t have an alibi so that it’ll seem as though I was accounted for, for at least a few hours. I won’t have anything to go on. Right now, without track, I realize that I’m screwed. So at least right now, I have to stick with it. Only I know that I won’t run the entire season. When I just disappear, no one will know anything, at least until I’m gone. By the time they realize it, it’ll entirely too late. I don’t want things to be like this, but there’s no other way. I’m not crazy enough to just go say that I’m leaving. No one will understand. Maybe I need to stop trying to live up to the person that everybody is trying to get me to be and live for me. I live for everyone else, but myself. I make decisions based on the opinions or the thoughts of everyone else. Maybe it’s time for a change. I think that if I make my own decisions, I’d just fuck my life over, but I haven’t tried it, so I don’t know. I have to live up to the person that I’m expected to be. I feel like I have to play by someone else’s rules. I don’t know why I feel like that. It might be why I’m not happy. My family expects me to be the good girl. They expect me to be the big shot, and I want to be, but I still want other things. I care about the way that people look at me, and I don’t know why. That’s probably not a good thing, but I can’t help the fact that I do. I’m the baby girl that’s supposed to make everyone proud. I want to be that girl, and I want to be someone else on the side. I just don’t know if people will accept the other side of me. Yes, I’m only human, but people will be disappointed. Hell, I may even be a little disappointed somewhere very deep inside my heart somewhere. It’ll be a very small portion of me. On the other part, I’d probably be relieved because I made a decision not upon what everyone else wanted, but a decision for me. Right now you may not understand what I mean, but I have a reason for telling you this. It’ll make sense in good time. There are things I want to do, but are to scared to even do. I think by playing by someone else’s rules can benefit me in a lot of ways, but it can also facilitate a major breakdown. Should I really put my happiness on the line for something everyone else wants? Could there actually be a way that I could do that and get away with it? What would you tell me to do? What’s your advice? You’re right, it is my life. I have to decide that for myself. You can’t make my decisions for me. I wish you could, but I understand that I can’t put you in that type of position. I guess I’ll leave you out of it.
Well, another thing went down today. I think I have a friend. Her name is Britannia. Since we were going the same way, we walked together from track practice. She’s cool. I just hate that I had to walk extremely slow so it wouldn’t look like I was trying to leave her. I don’t walk slowly to my aunt’s house. The walk is too long to walk slowly. She actually said something really funny that I want to tell you about. She asked me would I laugh at her if a car hit her. I was like,” No.”
She said if a car hit her she would laugh. She said she wouldn’t laugh because she was hurt, but she would laugh at the way that it happened. Those were her exact words. Ya gurlz a trip. Talking to her actually made the walk quicker because I wasn’t thinking about the walk. Coach Harvey said that we don’t have track practice tomorrow. She said she is still going to make us run if she spots us. That just wasn’t cool. She said to come prepared. I had Coach Harvey fourth and fifth period. That was back to back. Ooh, I was going to be tired, and then everybody is going to see me run. Well, nobody on the team is in any shape anyway. I still don’t want to run in front of everybody, but that’s track. That’s life. How’d I forget that?
Today is the last day of the month. Isn’t it great? No, hell no. It’s not great at all. I probably won’t get back to Kentucky for another month now. My plans are degrading like Swiss cheese. This isn’t how I conjured my magic trick up. This wasn’t the plan. This is life’s plan. It’s testing me to see if I can handle everything that it’s putting me through. The only response I have for that is, I’m making it. That’s all I can do. I have to at least try to make it, even if I know there is a chance that I won’t. Let’s weigh out the percentage. Let’s see, forty nine percent of me is saying I’m making it, but the other fifty one percent is telling me that I’m not. A part of me never wanted to come back home. Still there was a part of me that did. I didn’t think that I would hate it so much. I guess I just got things a little bit twisted.
My magic trick is going to be the trick of the millennium. I’ve pulled it off one time before. It was the trick of the millennium then; so now I have to do it one last time. Now a magician never tells anyone their secret, but you’re different. I had to tell you. I trust you enough to believe that you would never tell anyone, especially if I asked you to. Now, new subject.
Well, I could get my friend Ladericka to contact the person that I need to talk to, but then what if she gets suspicious of what I’m trying to do. She may not go through with it then. I snuck out of the state once, and she didn’t know about it. All she knows is what I told her. I haven’t told her how I plan to get back. Ladericka and I are really cool, but we haven’t developed that certain friendship where I can tell her all my secrets. I can’t count on my fingers how many secrets that I have. That’s just how many I have. That’s the way it is.
I wonder why every February nineteenth, something big happens. It’s just something about that day and that month that blows my world away. February nineteenth of 2005 is the day I first moved to Kentucky. February nineteenth of two thousand seven is the day I moved from Franklin Kentucky, to Bowling Green Kentucky. what is with that day and that month? How did time find out how to hurt me? That’s the question that I have been asking myself for almost four years. How is it that time has it’s way of hunting you down for your weaknesses, and the things in your life that cause you so much pain. I wonder why time has that strong reign of power that can control you, and your life. It has that grasp held so tight on your soul that it can hold you back from everything that you encounter. You know what I’m talking about. I know that you have been through it. I know that time hurt you, just like time hurt me. I told you that we had a lot in common, didn’t I? when this is all over, you’ll understand why the two of us seem like we know each other from somewhere. See what had happened was…that sounds like a lie doesn’t it? I intruded back into your life, causing you to single handedly steal mine away from me. You stole my dream away from me, and I’m mad at you for it. I guess that I’ll get over it, but that’s only because I plan to steal it back from you. I guess I already told you about my plans, and there is not a thing you can really do about it. All you can do is stand back and watch it happen. That’s what I did. I don’t know why I just let you have it. I guess I was just being stupid. I should have fought for it, but I didn’t. I waited, and I waited, and waited for my chance. Now the window of opportunity has been opened for me. I have already decided to go through the window, so now all I have to do is cross over. Right now, I can’t because glass and needles and sticks are in my way of it all. Slowly they are disappearing, because it’s going to take some time. Right now, it’s now or never. If I don’t go now, I may never obtain the happiness that I am required by my own rules to have. I set my standards high. I went for gold, and  I got gold…blue and gold. It was everything that I could have ever asked for. I want to know why you stole it form me, then again, I sort of walked away form it to. Most of the blame is on you though, because if you wouldn’t have come back, I wouldn’t have made the decision that I made. So it’s mostly your fault. I wished you away, and you came back to me. I locked you in a box, and disposed of the key. How’d you get out?
There blows March first. I told you it was approaching fast. Did you think I was crazy or something? Well, I got something serious to talk about today. I just came from outside talking to Damien. I snuck in the backyard to talk to him while my brothers were in the front yard. See, the thing is, Damien wants to be my first. He tries to talk me into doing things that I’d rather not do; like have sex, and that other thing that I would prefer not to discuss. I told you that I knew what he wanted. The thing is, he doesn’t understand. I’m different from any other girl that he will ever meet. Having sex and all that provocative stuff is not actually what I’m about. I guess that’s he counting the days we have known each other, because we’re not actually going together. He says that I’m holding out from him and all this other dumb shit, but who does he think I am? I don’t sleep with people that I hardly know. It’ll never happen. He said that he could have any other girl, but he’s waiting for me. He said if I like him as much as I say I do, then that’s enough to have sex with him. So I used what he said in Vice Versa. I told him if he liked me as much as he said, then he could wait until I’m ready. Damien tried everything that he could to get me to say that I would do it. He’d never get yes out of my mouth. I’m not any old girl. I thought to myself, if you wanna have sex so bad, you just need to go find somebody who wants it as bad as you do, because I’m not that girl. He forgot that he pursued me. He didn’t know what he was getting his self into. He doesn’t understand that I’m not ready. I don’t know him enough to be intimate with him. If he doesn’t understand that, then he can hit the road.
Have I thought about losing my virginity? Sure I’ve thought about it a lot of times. I actually think about it a lot of times, but that’s all it’ll ever be is a fantasy. I want the real thing. I want love. I don’t want to just do it. I f I do, I want it to be because I want to. Damien wants to rush into something, and not get to know anybody. I know that I have to lose it some time, but I’m scared as hell to lose it right now. There are lots of reasons why, and I’m smart for it, but it crosses every girl’s mind sooner or later. I’ve considered it, but I’m not stupid. He can’t wait, then he’s not the one. I told you that’s what he wanted from me, and I told you that I was going to break him. He’s mad because I said no, but I don’t really care. I feel like I’m too young to do something so grown up. If I’m not ready, then I’m not ready. I’m proud to be a virgin because I don’t know five girls at Denton who are virgins. He just lucked out; maybe one day he’ll realize it. You can’t pressure someone into doing something that they aren’t into doing. I have actually thought long and hard about it. I just feel like once it’s gone, I’ll be a different person. I want it to happen because I wanted it to happen. He doesn’t understand that when you have sex, two hearts become one. He doesn’t understand that that’s a hell of a commitment for two people so young. I honestly like Damien a little bit. There’s nothing wrong with what he’s asking me, he’s just being a guy, but I have my reasons for saying no. I don’t plan on spending even a year in Mobile. I refuse to make love to him and then leave. By then, I’d probably be too attached, and that would keep me from leaving. I thought about giving him what he wanted, but I don’t trust him. I kind of want to do it, but at the same time I don’t. Every time I almost give in, I throw one of those reasons in my face. I feel I’d be disappointing myself in some way, because I set my heart out for love. I want the fairy tale. I’m scare of what will happen if somebody finds out about it. Especially one of my brothers. I know it’s my decision to make, and to just make sure I’m ready, and understand what I’m doing. Maybe I just watch too much TV. or I’m forgetting that this is the real world; and you never get the fairy tale. All I asked him to do was wait for me, but I guess he couldn’t do that. What one girl won’t do, he can find another one that will. I know that’s how he feels; so, so be it.
I won’t to make sure that I’m not making a mistake. I don’t want to have any regrets, or any doubts about what I’m considering. See, I’m thinking about doing something that I may regret. We’ll get into all the details of what it is later. I’m making the decision that I’m considering for me. I’m not doing it for anybody. I’m making this decision because I want to. There’s the guilt thing coming in now. I knew that it wasn’t to far away. I have been really putting a lot of thought into what Damien and I talked about that night. It’s a week from almost a month that we’ve been talking, and nothing has happened between us. He’s been ready for something to happen since the day that he and I met. Ever since the day I walked into his room, and he locked the door. You will never know what really happened behind that door that day, because I won’t ever tell. Note to self, I could be lying to you about this, but that’s up to you to decide. If he liked me as much as he says, he’d wait forever for me. The only thing wrong with that is that I just said that is what I wanted. He pursued me, but for what reason? Was it because he could see how pure I was Every time he looked at me?
He came outside this morning when I was on the back porch. He was sitting on top of his house talking on the phone. He kept looking over at me, I just laughed because he came outside yesterday, just because I was outside. I paid him a lot of attention, but not a lot if you get what I mean. We talked in the backyard until it got dark outside. You know what about. I’m actually very tempted to give in to him, but I’m still worried about everyone else’s opinion. I can’t help it. You don’t know how mad he is, he barely came outside today. I want it to be special. Damn, every virgin says some shit like that, but that’s what I want. I might’ve told him let’s do it, but I wanted to see if he would wait because I asked him to.
You know what, forget this. If he still wants to do it, then so be it. If he on somebody else, then we won’t. It’s time for me to do something that I want to do. It’s time for me to make a decision that I want to make. I can’t change the fact that I’m scared, but what happens, happens. I wanted him since the first time I saw him, and he wanted the same. I’m just in deep liking of him, or my mind has painted this sick and twisted illusion that I can’t get out of my head. I want the fairy tale; but one hundred percent of the time, you never get it.
I hope that this won’t be something that I regret. I want to feel like it’s the right decision to make. Still, before I do anything, I’ve got to check up on some things. The things I have to check up on may change my mind about doing this, so I guess we’ll have to see. All my life, I have lived for what somebody else wanted, maybe this should be different. Then again maybe they shouldn’t. I still want to want to wait until it feels right for me and it kind of does, and then it sort of doesn’t. Damien s the first person to ever actually have me consider doing something grown up. He kept at it, and kept at it. That’s never actually happened before. This is the first time. I was so close to telling him to come into my room tonight, but the temptation of it all, I was able to fight. I can’t stop thinking about it though. I can’t help but wonder about it now. I wish that I could stop thinking about it, but I can’t. I guess what’s stopping me is the fact that I have too much to lose. Most just let it happen, but I’m not most. I’m different. There’s a lot about it I realize that I don’t know about it. Maybe I just pretend that I know. I guess I know now what my cover is. The cover is all pretty, and innocent, and all that other cute stuff. Once you turn the page though, the cover and the words inside don’t really mix. Behind these eyes of mine lies a person no one knows but me. The side no one knows wasn’t supposed to come out to play for a few more years. It wasn’t supposed to bother me. Not this soon, but I can’t erase what has already come into being. It’s impossible. Why? You ask. It just is. What am I going to do about it? Well, I don’t really know at this point. I guess it comes with age. I can’t be completely wrong. Some of what I’m saying is true. There used to be a time where I thought that I knew everything. I guess that I don’t. Reality set in and dawned on me that when it comes to things like this, I’m not that smart. I guess that being shy really isn’t a curse. It has its perks, and then it has its downfalls. I know I don’t want to be a virgin all my life, but I have all the time in the world for that stuff. What am I trippin on? I am the low self esteem kind of person though. Being that way has saved me a great deal of times. If it wasn’t for it, I’d be like all the other girls that I see.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Bingo! I just found my answer. I don’t want to turn out like all the girls I see. It took me an entire day to think of that; and I’m supposed to be smart. I don’t want to become the girls that I see at school. I would be a disgrace. I’d be hot in the you know where. I finally solved my first equation. It feels goods to be smart again. I don’t want to have to depend on anyone, other than the people that I already do. Being hot in the pants could complicate a lot of things. People would say things about you, and you wouldn’t be able to deny them because they’re right. That’s one of the man reasons right there. I don’t want to be that girl. I refuse to be. Talking about it won’t really help me a lot. That there just sounds selfish, but I don’t know. I just want to be better than that. People make mistakes, and there is nothing wrong with that. On the flip side, people choose to make the mistakes that they do. I won’t make that mistake. I’m stupid for even talking to somebody like Damien now that I think about it. I guess it’s just really fun to mess with his head sometimes. Sometimes messing with his head gets me in these crazy situations. It’s sort of funny actually. I don’t know why I consider it fun, but I just do. I have never been in the type of situation Damien put me in. I hate for people to think that I’m stupid, so I don’t know what he thought. I like him enough to mess with his head and get what I want; but it pissed him off because he couldn’t do it like me. He could never get as deep inside my head as he wanted to. He didn’t have the smarts for it. I guess he just caught me at one of those times where, well, I got sucked back into the way that things were so many years ago. I let him suck me back into the past, and when I did go back, he’s the one that grabbed me. Trust me; this is really no fairy tale. This is no sweet story. This is simply a little thing he and I had going on, but he was too big of a freak, and I wasn’t into that. I won’t ever be anytime soon. I told you I wasn’t stupid.
I’m still missing Kentucky a lot. The sate just got me. It’s all that I think about now that it’s gone. It had me when the time hit a year. It had me, and I never wanted to walk away. I was cornered into a wall. I had no choice. It was one of those situations where my mind got trapped and confused for a long time, so I just let myself be guided. I didn’t push, and I didn’t turn away. I gave away my power, and I let the road do the rest. I don’t know why I have always been so cooperative and content with the way that things go, or the way they turn out. I guess that I just never cared about the outcome until the day the life I forgot about called me back home.
I have always dealt with it most of the time, but I guess that I just decided things should be different, so I changed them. Well, I’m working on that. Things can’t always stay the same forever. The only way for change to occur is to make it happen. You can want it, but so. You can’t want all your life and never receive a thing. That’s how the will to go on works. It’s jacked up, but like I said,” That’s just the way it is.”
If you’re not comfortable with something, then the best thing you can do is to change it. If you’re okay with something, then you don’t worry about changing it. I have to deal with a bunch of stuff. I guess what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Life can be whatever you want it to turn out to be, what you make it into. I decided I want to make it into something that all will remember, and no one will forget. Truthfully, no one will forget, especially those who know what I’m referring to. I mean you, if you want me to be more specific. Things get chaotic, and you panic, then things begin to fall into place, and you get suspicious. Things will always be iffy, because things are depending on the circumstances.
I realize that my basketball team was one of the best things that I ever had. I know I talk about them a lot, but that’s only because they meant everything to me. At practice we always had fun, something crazy always happened at practice. Sometimes it was something I did, Ashley Rainey did, and Coach Anderson did. It was a little bit of everybody. Sometimes people at practice fell down, it was always something. I miss them all so much; all I want to do is be a part of a team again. Everyone knew what I could do, and some saw what I could do. I was just the quietest person to ever step foot on the team. Being quiet got the best of me in the end, and I hate myself for it. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can’t change it. All I can do is practice how not to make the same mistakes that I made then. I’ll just have to see what I learn. Right now, when is too long for me because I don’t really know what specific day that I’m leaving on. I’m starting to wonder if I should keep this to myself, or tell someone that I trust. I’m not really sure on what I want to do at this point, but the plan is to figure it out. All I want is to be the person that I planned, and it needs to come soon because plans are being made that I don’t think I’ll even be here for. The Lady Raiders changed my life. They blew my world away. Walking away made me see what I was losing, and once I did, it was too late to turn back, because what got done got done. Now, I believe it’s up to me to change it.
Get this, there are ten minutes left in the first half. The score on the board is extremely close. Each team pulls up uneasy shots, and the opposing team hits, but my team doesn’t. Some of us just got introduced to High School basketball, so it was something extremely new. Eventhough it was a scrimmage, we couldn’t treat it like a scrimmage. We had to be serious about it. The opposing team cheated, really they did. Some players on the floor didn’t belong, but that wouldn’t change the fact that we were playing them. Maybe this would help in the long run, but maybe it wouldn’t. Now there were five minutes left. There is really nothing that the Coach can do but yell, and believe that her team will do whatever it takes to win. The Coach can believe enough for her entire team, they have to do it for themselves, because if you think you’ll lose, then you’ll lose. If you believe in your heart that you can win, then the game is already yours. Looking at the team before the ref blew the whistle, some lost hope. I didn’t believe that we could win, but I didn’t show it. Fear wouldn’t change the fact that we had to play these girls, or the fact that we had an extra half to go. First half has ended, and we’re down by double digits, it’s over. That’s when inside you regret the things of which you didn’t do. You realize that it’s too late, and you can’t get back the time that you lost. You can only try to make it up, but in the amount of time that you have, you realize that is impossible, because it’s clearly not enough. Once you step onto the floor, you feel like there is no hope. The only thing slightly altered about my story is that I missed second half. My team played second half without me, but it’s my fault, because I’m the one that walked off the floor. I dug my own grave, and now I have no choice but to lie in it. I’m tired of being let down. I’m sick of it.

“Why are we given things?
That time knows we’ll lose
Why are we led on?
Why does time forbid us the truth?
Why is pain the factor,
That we wish we never met?
The thing we forget,
But in the end, always have regrets
Why does time toy with our emotions?
Causing us to want to bawl up and cry
And in the end, why does time tell us
That the life we created was a lie?
There is one more day until the big track meet. Today is Wednesday already. The days jet by quicker when you’ve got something important to do that week. Track events are big, so I realize, you know, I actually considered quitting the track team today, but I realize I can’t quit. Track is my ticket out of Mobile. Without it, I’m ancient history. I need to stick with track long enough to demonstrate the trick I know has changed the world. I’m bringing the disappearing act back, upgraded. Still, some objects never turn up if they’re lost. It’s just like Samuel L. Jackson said, “You can find anything that’s lost, and the only thing you can’t obtain again is time.”
If that wasn’t true, then I don’t know anything anymore. Tome is one of the most important aspects of life. Sometimes time decides your future. Right now, it’s trying to decide mine. I can’t let it. Maybe with time, I’m supposed to realize that I’m being selfish. This is just me being human is how I describe it. Maybe I will realize that I’m not supposed to leave in the first place. That is crazy talk. If I wasn’t meant to leave, I wouldn’t have left in the first place, so questioning myself is out of the question. There is really no need for it. It wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t meant to. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost it if I wasn’t meant to lose it. That may be so, but will it ever come back? That’s the question. If it doesn’t, am I supposed to deal with it, and accept the life of which I forgot about so many years ago? It’s not supposed to happen like this. So why is it? My past wasn’t supposed to come back for another three or four years. I would have been ready for it then; but at this moment in my life, I came ill prepared. That was an accident. I thought that it was all over, but it has just begun. So now, what do I do about it? I plan to run away, and take my next exit slip with me. Soon, my family will know why I did what I’m about to do. They’re going to call me stupid, dumb, and whatever else; but they are just going to have to say it. There aren’t enough stupid’s and dumb’s in the world to make me change the fact that I’ll be gone. Nobody ever wants to lose someone, but the only explanation is that the shit happens, there is nothing they can do to change it, they just have to get over it. What other choice do they have? They don’t have any other option.
Yeah, when I got back, I was given everything, and if not that, they tried, that’s all anyone could ever ask for, but that’s not what I want. That’s not what I asked for. All I wanted was my happiness, even that’s gone. All I wanted was one season, one chance, but time told me no. maybe it’s because I didn’t laugh enough…talk enough…or live enough. I lived like if I were to reach for tomorrow, it’d be right there waiting for me. How was I wrong?
Maybe if I had talked enough, the things I desired to stay would have been right there waiting for me. Maybe if I had laughed enough, the friends I had, or the friendships that I created in my mind would have been forever, but because I messed up, everything I worked for appears to have been temporary. I had three more years, I lost three. So that makes six that I should have had, but the life that I forgot about stole the other half. So, what do you do, when the life that you forgot about comes back? You be dumb like me. You take its hand, and let it guide you back into little strips of your past. After so long, you start to see things that remind you of the life that you created. Then someone says something that someone in the life that you created used to say. You dream about being back, and you think about being back all the time. For two seconds, your past decides to tamper with your emotions and mess with your head. Then two seconds later, it’s all over. You’re back to the way things were. You have to tap back into reality, because everything that you saw wasn’t real, it was all just pretending. Then you have to figure out how not to let the life you forgot about manipulate you into thinking that it’s really sorry for everything that it did to you, when really, it’s not. See, being in Kentucky I learned something. I learned how to pretend, so that I could get what I wanted. That’s what this is/ I wonder where this hatred in my heart originated form. Who’s the blame? Is it your fault?
Well, the big meet is today. We have to go to Theodore High School for the meet, but we’re competing against someone else. Some school called Hillsdale. Me personally, I think we’re going to get smoked. I just know we’re going to lose. I know that it’s bad when you think something like that about your team, but that’s too bad, because it’s true. No one on the team is in shape. I’m in the best shape. I’m not where I need to be, but I’m in better shape than most. Being on the track team is kind of fun. I lost those six pounds that I had gained. Now yesterday, I didn’t do too much of anything. I ran two laps and that was all. I wasn’t even tired after the two laps. I was great. That’s all that coach really wanted me and this other girl to do.
Today is going to go by so quickly. My heart is about to leap out of my chest. Still, I can think of it just like basketball, because you’re I it to win it. Then is when it counted if the opponent beat you down the floor. The floor is the track, no goals in this sport. I need to forget about all the eyes because I have been through this before. During this event, it’s me against the person in the different color jersey, versus the track field. That’s a very interesting combination. The meet starts at three thirty. It’ll probably end at six thirty. So, when it’s over, I promise to let you know how I did.
Toni Daniels is going to get herself in a whole hell of a lot of trouble. She keeps trying me, she gone learn where her mouth is going to get her. All it takes is one hit. She always has this way of pissin me off. I smile to hide my anger. What she doesn’t know is going to hurt her. She’ll learn. That’s all that I’ll say about that. Before the year is over with, that bitch is gone get her ass beat. In some ways, I’d like to think that I’m a good person. I’m understanding, but she has crushed her limit with me. She stepped on my patience.
Well, I’ve gotten myself into a pretty big situation. Something big is supposed to happen tonight. Something that I said I would never do. Don’t we all lie though? Hell, we all lie. I might be a completely different person after tonight if I go through with this. Right now it’s like a sixty, fifty percent range. I’m really scared; but what person in my position wouldn’t be?
Today something crazy happened in fifth period. The school was put on lockdown. It was said that some boy blew his brains out. It was tragic really. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. My sister and brother go to the school where it happened. I know they’ll be okay physically, but emotionally, I don’t know. The reason I’m telling you this is because I just came from third period. Mr. Hunt spent the last ten minutes of class talking about what happened. It was some of the things he said that caught my attention, because normally, I really wouldn’t care what Mr. Hunt had to say. It’s better not to think about it, but for ten minutes, I did think about it. You can have good grade, be smart, and known socially. The point is, when you’re however old, you need stimulants. Those are the things in life that you need, like air, heat, water, food; so you know little stuff like that. You can give some things away that you can’t get back.  You try so hard to impress people that it can overwhelm you. Well, life can overwhelm you and cause you to make a decision that can cost you your life. If you make a decision, you make sure that you are comfortable with your decision, because if you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, then something probably is wrong. The point to what I just said is that you never let life, or anyone overwhelm you with an ample amount of things, because it can cause you to make really stupid decisions. Tomorrow is always a surprise, because you never know what to expect. You can only wait to see the outcome of what is liable to happen. You can’t predict life, because you’re not the one in control of what happens to it if something goes wrong. Something might change between the life that you planned, and the life that you receive. That’s how it happens.
Well, all my plans for today have been canceled due to what happened. The track meet perhaps opened a window for what I thought was going to happen tonight. I guess now it just might. You still don’t know what I’m talking about, do you? Don’t you remember what we talked about? That Damien and me thing? Yeah, that’s what. I bet you never saw this day coming. The day just may be here. Mistakes in life are going to be made. Life just has to let you make them sometimes. Yeah, I make mistakes. I make mistakes all the time; but that’s what human people do, even when they don’t know it. I’m not really sure about making the mistake that I’m considering. That’s just how I look at the entire thing. I don’t know why I look at it like that, but I just always told myself that I would never do it, because I can’t see myself doing it. I was younger then. Yeah, people grow up, but I’m only an adolescent. I’m still a kid. Everything I’m saying only has a little bit of accuracy because I still told Damien that I was coming over his house tonight. Well, right now I’m at my aunt’s house, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. Now, my mom has to go to work at eleven tonight, so I may go home with her. It all depends. I wonder what Damien is doing right now. He’s probably waiting for me to peek my head out the door and come over. He’ll probably get the message. There isn’t one light in my house that is on. I know he’s waiting. He waited like two months form me. That’s nothing. Two whole months. That don’t mean shit. He thinks it’s something though. I realize that I’m toying with his emotions because I’m sending him mixed signals from left to right. I don’t know why I’m doing it, but wondering doesn’t really change much. I hope you aren’t too mad about what I said to you last week, but I was just being honest. You have to credit me for that. Now, let’s see how much information you have about my identity now. What do we know? We know that I’m someone from your past, and that we knew eachother some kind of way. So now what do we do with that? I already know who you are; I was the closest person to you. We used to know everything about eachother. You just don’t know me anymore. I always checked on you. I always looked out for you. Do you remember me now?
Now, about that situation that I was telling you about, I know you can’t believe that I just broke back into it, but I have a story to tell, and you need to hear it. Could it just be out of stupidity that I’m even trying to consider this? I’m human. I have to keep repeating that out loud.
Its eleven O’clock and my aunt just got done with my mom’s hair. I’m going to go ahead and go home. Maybe Damien will be sleep.
Hell nah, his light is on. I told you that he was waiting for me. It’s not happening tonight. I’m too tired. I’m about to go to sleep. It’s already going on twelve. I’m going to be mad in the morning because I only have a few hours to sleep. I’m sitting here talking to you. It’s no wonder that I’m so tired. I have to say one more thing before I go though. Give me my life back, and I’ll give you yours.
Question? How can you give something back that you don’t remember taking from me? Maybe it wasn’t like stealing to you. It was probably something that you just did, and didn’t think about. Question? How can you give me something back that’s already gone? You can’t give me back my time. You can’t give me back November, December, January, February, or March. I lost everything, and you’re the person that I fault for it. You can’t return it to its rightful owner. You can’t replace the hole in my heart that you created. It’s because of you that I’m incomplete. Two halves are supposed to create a whole, so the other fifty percent of me is missing. How do you plan to fill that space? How about you sleep on that and get back to me.
“Sometimes things of which become lost”
“You never again obtain”
“Until it’s back in my arms again”
You never look at what was, the same”
Friday again. I’m glad school breezes by the way that it does. That makes the pain quicken and be done with, that’s why I live it like I do. Well, I have found a new way to get what I want. You know that thing called myspace? It’s genius. Everybody has one. I even found a few friends of mine from Kentucky on it. My point…oh yeah. I found the boy that lives next to me in Kentucky on myspace. His name is Jarvis Evans. Now Jarvis and I were cool. We played basketball together every single day. He had this little crush on me. I always knew it, but I was crushin on his friend. He really didn’t seem to care much.
Anyway, before I fall off track, he’s about to become my messenger. He’ll be cool with that, he’s done it before. So now, instead of using my aunt’s phone, I discovered how to make it look innocent. I can message him, and he can message back. I can tell him to tell my dad what’s going down and he can report back to me, or my dad can get a myspace, and we can talk all the time. Window of opportunity. No one will ever know what my plans are. I can get away with this; and you can get your life back. Everybody will be happy this way. Now, I know nothing can ever go wrong. I’m a criminal of my own masterminded plan. Do you see how I just created that word? Don’t Laugh. It’s actually sort of interesting how I did that. You can’t tell me that isn’t a genius plan. Now I know for sure that I will be gone next month. It actually depends on how much computer time I get. I can reconnect with my old friends too. I can see what they’ve been doing. Let’s see how many of them will be happy to see me. I know the ones that I found will want to know why I left and what happened. Ladericka should have filled them in on most of the scoop. There are some things that I never told Ladericka, because she would have never understood. I found Keisha ray, Lauren Mahaney, Ashley Rainey, Jarvis Evans, and Timothy Stockton. Timothy is actually a funny story. He was the boy that I was crushin on. I think about them all, and I found one that I think I can trust if I were to ever talk to her about something really serious. I feel like I could confide in Keisha. I respect her that much. I have always trusted Jarvis; so I guess that makes two. Jarvis knew a lot of things about me. Keisha and I were kind of cool. She was the only one that spoke to me everyday at practice. She asked me questions about my poetry and everything. I admired Keisha a great deal. I still do. I wonder how my dad has been. That bitch is probably 38 hot, but he’ll get over it. Like I said, one will always be better than none. It’ll beat it Every time. I know he is mad as hell, because I know the type of person that he is. I also know there is a slight chance that he’ll never forgive me for running off the way that I did. Accept now, I’m all that he really has left. I’m the last one of his kids who still wants anything to do with him. This could probably give us a chance to connect on that father daughter level that I always wanted. That sounds like some shit a psychic would say, doesn’t it? That sounds straight outa a therapy session. Fuck that. I bet you’re wondering where I developed this mouth of mine. I guess being back in the dirty south got me like that. Don’t be too surprised. I’m about to get back proper again, so don’t worry. It’s actually good for me in a lot of ways. It’s fun to be able to know more than your average seventeen year old would know. It makes me feel special.
Despite the fact that my dad messed up, we had some good moments. He held on too tight though, and I knew because of it, he would drive me away from him faster than twista can spit. He’s maybe ten percent of the reason that I am coming back. He still had his issues, and he always wanted to control me; but despite it all, he always gave me whatever I wanted. He had his funny ways and everything, but I still don’t understand. He’s probably miserable, and on top of that, I think I actually miss him. What the hell! I must be sick or something. Nope. (Feeling my forehead.) I’m perfectly healthy. Damn.
I guess that time has gotten the best of me. It took me leaving to realize that he may have been the best thing that I ever had. Once you’re gone, and may not come back is when you realize that it’s too late to turn back time. That’s when you realize you should have protected the life of which you created with every breath in your body. I forgot to do that. I forgot the things in which life can grant you can be taken away. Sometimes you can have everything you want, and something in your life can still be missing? How can that be? How is that even possible? Incompletion…
We all face that stage. That’s just like sometimes you can be incomplete and searching. That’s me right now.
I wonder how he’s going to act when I get Jarvis to delay that message for me. I wonder if he still lives in the same house. He probably does. He has nothing left, so why would he leave? I’m his last chance. I’m his only chance. I don’t really want to do it like this, but I have no choice. Everything that I lived for…it’s where he’s at…Kentucky. I have already laid down my message requested.
“Dad, I made a really big mistake, but can you come and get me so we can try this again? I know you’re probably upset, and mad, but I’m your last chance. One is better than none. I loved you enough to want to come back to you didn’t I? Please don’t call down here and just talk to me this way. Depending on your response, I’ll tell you how to do it. Remember…I’m the last one left that wants anything to do with you. I still love you, despite everything that you have done.”
That’s what I’m going to say. Do you think that he’ll go for it? I hope so, or everything that I have done will be for nothing. If I have to stay, then I don’t know what I’m going to do; because I haven’t planned for that part yet. The best thing he can do is to agree to my terms, or I’ll never think of him again. This is his last chance for him to be the father that I need him to be.
He’ll jump at this opportunity. I know for a fact that he won’t turn me down. I thought that my plans were over because of the phone thing, but they have only just begun. I’m so happy. I’m not excited though. Everything that I planned isn’t completely done for…or simply over. I can get it all back if I play this hand correctly. Now my dad has too much of an ego to ever admit when he’s wrong, so this should be very interesting. He owes me this much, so Monday, we’ll see. I know you probably want me out of your life, because I sure want you out of mine. We can go back to the lives we had, and we can both go back to the people that we were.
There was a time when I used to wonder if I would ever be the person that I used to be ever again. I won’t. I realize that it’s too late for her, because that girl is gone. I realize that she will never come back again, because after miles and miles, and miles, I became someone else. I actually adore and admire the person I have become; I can’t be that other girl again. She is beneath me. I can say that I have become the person I want to be. I can never go back to the way that things were, not after everything that I have been through. They say your past is what molds you into the person you are, so if that’s true, why is my past haunting me? It won’t go away. All I want is for it to set me free, but for some reason it won’t. It’s still holding on to me. Its grasp is too tight. I let it go a long time ago, so why won’t it let go of my hand. I came to a decision that it was gone forever, but why am I looking straight at it then? The past holds you down. What make sit different from the life that I created is that I’m going back for it. It showed me that it’s okay to be happy. The people that were around me constantly made me like that. The person I am now doesn’t fit where I am. The two are more different than you can imagine. Kentucky is in the north, Mobile is in the south. It makes sense how different they are now doesn’t it? See, I’m not saying that I’m better than anybody, I’m simply saying that I found  the life that fit me. I know what I want to do with my life, and Kentucky is where I wish to accomplish it all.
Well, my little brother’s birthday is tomorrow. He’s turning eleven, and he’s so happy about it. He thinks he’s grown already. Me, I just can’t wait to taste that strawberry shortcake that my aunt is bringing him tomorrow. I just bet you, that he’s going to do something to screw himself over on his birthday. He always does. He wouldn’t be the person that he is if he didn’t do something completely stupid; so I’m going to end this conversation, and if you want; I guess I can save you some cake. Nope, I change my mind. I’ll tell you how good it was though.
Well, today is Saturday, my little brothers birthday. He’s eleven (Excited Face) nope, I guess that’s good though. He can be happy; he’s a year away from being a pre teen. You know, he doesn’t act a year older, he still acts like his other age. Five, ha ha. He’d be heated if he heard me say that, but it’s true. You know, I better stop. He bought me some hot fries this morning. It seems as though I use him sometimes, and sometimes I do, but I do love him, Eventhough I treat him like dirt most of the time. We had a lot of fun today though. We played basketball all day until it got dark outside. Before I continue on with how his birthday went, I have a little story to tell you about what else happened today.
At around maybe eleven O’clock after I had already been awake for at least fifteen minutes, I got dressed to go outside. I put on a long black T-Shirt, and my track shorts. You know how little those shorts are don’t you? Anyways, I went through the back and ran into Damien. He was trying to get me to come over to his side as usual, so I told him I would be right back, and to wait where he was at. You know I didn’t come back right? I know he felt dumb. Anyway, after almost an hour, I went across the street where my brothers were to play basketball. We played twenty one for the first game, and then I and my younger brother played one on one. Right at the last shot before I won, I saw Damien come across the street and say that he had next. So after I scored the last basketball, Damien and I started up a game of one on one. Now I just knew I had him beat. Nope. He had game. Damien had a lot of game. I kept going inside for shots, and he kept shooting outside. My little brother was watching us play. You know in basketball you have to make a lot of contact, so we were pretty close. My little brother didn’t like that. See, I’m a post player so when I’m outside, my objective is to take the ball to the hoop inside. I back into people, so being that Damien and I were talking; I didn’t feel too funny about it. My little brother kept saying, “Watch it homeboy.”
My little brother is just like that. He likes me, but I don’t like him as much. I always ask him, why do you love me? I treat you like dirt, and you just take it. Right now, I can’t think of what he said, but it was always something really sweet. In the end, Damien gad fifteen points, and I had eight points. Man, I was so mad. He beat me. I told my brother’s that I would be back, because I needed to wash my hands. I guess Damien thought I was throwing him a hint because after a second, in the corner of my eye, I could see him crossing the street too. I guess he took it the way he took it. I was in the house for maybe ten or fifteen minutes. I was putting my hair in a pony tail. That has always been complicated. After I got done, I went back outside through the front door. Damien was on his front porch. I shut my door, and he was the first person I laid eyes on. He pointed towards the back. I wanted to go through the front so that I could go in the house and not come back out, but I had it locked. Now, I had no choice. I couldn’t run from him this time. So I met him in the back yard. Yes, I went across the gate over to his side, there was no way I could get out of it. Let me remind you that it was broad day light outside. I followed him behind some sort of garage behind his house. We started talking at first. He was saying that I had been running from him, and that I was teasing him. I couldn’t deny it, because I had been. I had put on my track shorts to toy with his mind, but he had me over his house now. Okay, my point is that something happened. Now I won’t exactly tell you what happened, and it’s not what you’re thinking…but something went down. I don’t really want to tell you what happened, so you just have to guess it. He’s the only one that did it anyway, but I still have my innocence, don’t worry. After I came from his house, I went back to my own house for a second. Then I went back outside to play basketball. I felt dirty. Don’t ask me why. He came across the street shortly after I did, and we both acted like nothing happened. The plan for my brothers’ birthday is going to be celebrated tomorrow. So that’s the plan. Food stamps baby. I played basketball until night went to sleep, then I went in the house. Damien and his round two, he better shut that shit up. Ooh, I’m supposed to be calling him tonight.
I can’t stop thinking about what happened earlier. That memory is painted in my head. So I guess I was a little wrong. Damien knows me; I just don’t know him how I wish I did. He knew me enough to know that what did happen, I didn’t want it to end. It’s not what you think, so get your mind where it doesn’t need to be. He knew that my I can’t, was really I can. He knew that my no meant yes. You know, this boy swears up and down that he’s in love with me, and I hope he’s not, because I really don’t love him back. There’s really nothing wrong with how he claims he feels. I just don’t love him back. I hope it’s not that serious.
I almost made him cry one day, I guess it wasn’t funny, but inside it was. It’s wrong, but I can’t play with people’s hearts the way that they toyed with mine. Two wrongs don’t make it right, so I guess there are just two wrongs here at fault. Ever since I started talking to Damien, I’ve done things that I said I would never do.  I think that he‘s changing me, but that’s not a good thing. I don’t want to change. Right now, that’s not really a good idea. If I change, I realize that I won’t be the person I always was; and I don’t change for anybody. I really don’t know why I'm messing with Damien; I guess it’s okay to like a person. No one ever really compares to your first true love anyway, so why am I bullshitting myself? I guess that I could give him a chance; but I might fuck around and wait until it’s too late. I’m really waiting to see just what type of person he is, but I know for a fact that I could never love him. I guess I take things more serious than they are, but I have to do that. If my first love were to ever come back, I’d break hearts. He’ll always be the only one, because nobody else compares. I guess I can give you a brief summary of our history. We met when I was in seventh grade. I was suppose to be an eighth grader then, but people make mistakes and sleep in class sometimes. Anyway, I didn’t really notice Brian at first, he was just a boy that I just so have happened to have class with. That’s all he was to me. Then after a while, he continued and continued to try and talk to me. It eventually worked. we soon became best friends. You know how those boy and girl friendships begin to escalate into more for one of the two. First you’re friends, until someone falls. That’s how it always works. I didn’t know that until I fell so hard and realized that I couldn’t move. That’s how I felt how it feels to be in love. I realized that when he wasn’t around, I couldn’t think. All I could think about is when would I see him, and where would I see him next. He meant so much to me. Every time you saw Brian, you saw me. It’s just the way that we were around each other. We had this connection that no one at school could bear to deny. It was just something we always had since the day we officially met. We never lost it, you could just see it in our eyes. It was just something we had. I knew that Brian was too good to be true, but I didn’t care. I tried then to imagine what life would be like without him, and I couldn’t do it. That didn’t change the fact that I had to live without him.
Hell, I cried for weeks. I couldn’t change the fact that he was gone, but I knew I would only remember how being in love felt; and the fact that I’ll never feel it again for anyone like I did him. I know in my heart, well, actually I don’t; but I wish that it would always be me. I can’t be sure of that though. I can’t control what’s in his heart. We will always have seventh grade though. Always. I don’t care what anyone says; God made him perfect, and gift wrapped him, and sent him to me. If I could step back in time for just a few seconds...You see how that word lingers? All I have is his memory. I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever see him again. I had to make a choice when time told me that I had to let him go. I loved Brian with a love so deep that it hurt when it was missing, and I realized that it was no longer in my possession. Now he’s gone. They say lightning only strikes once, I guess I got my turn. I hate the fact that he’s gone, but I have no other choice other than to get over it. He’ll always have that special place next to my heart. He was white, but who cares besides my father? He was one of the sexiest white boys I had ever met. I still don’t know what makes me so crazy about him still, but I may never know. So whatever. I went where my heart led me, then what my heart led me to turned the opposite way. See, I told you that it would be brief. It was actually a sweet story. He was quite a character. Things like that don’t ever last forever. that’s why when you get them, you learn to never hold on, you just go along, because when it leaves, it won’t hurt as bad; because you know it will leave.
CRT’S are this week. I hate those things. They aren’t that bad, but they are still stupid. Why do you have to take a test at the end of the quarter, and then a test at the end of the year? We never had to do any crap like that in Kentucky. I think I’ll pass everything except math. it’s Pre-Algebra. I didn’t take Pre-Algebra when I was in Kentucky, but complaining about it wouldn’t change anything. For now, I have to deal with the lifestyle in which I have received. It’s partially my fault because I made the decision to walk away. You can never turn back from a decision like that. If I could turn back, things could be different for me. Now is the time to tell you something that I learned out of everything. You can never change what hell you created, or the mistakes you made in the past; but everything you lost, you have a chance to obtain again, all except time. You can never get back the lost moments, because they are too far gone to even think about coming back. Most of the time you create the things that you want in your life, and discard the things in your life. You know, now that I begin to think about it, there is nothing that can make me stay. Old flames can’t make me stay, not memories that try to summon themselves from the past, and re-enter your life; and then have the audacity to take you places that you have already been .There are no eyes in the back of your head. You aren’t supposed to be able to see back there. That’s why your eyes are in front of your head. That’s like putting someone on top of a bridge, and then telling them not to look down. Now that is a death wish, but it makes sense, doesn’t it? You can easily look back, but you have to turn your entire head around just so you can see behind you. That’s already too much work isn’t it? That’s why you didn’t get eyes back there. That’s not where they belong. Now though eyes weren’t put in the back of your head that doesn’t really count for everything. Everyone still finds a way to look behind them. So how do you explain that? The answer is there. You just have to dig really deep inside your soul to discover its location. Everybody has regrets. You just don’t linger on the mistakes that you made in the past, because if you do; then that’s pretty much it for you. You’ll be living for yesterday, all the rest of the days of your life. I’m still living for yesterday. How do you have everything that you want, and that still doesn’t feel like it’s enough? I pull myself back, and it’s only hurting me. Damn. how do you cause your own self pain? It can be done. Who told you that lie? Who says it can’t be done. How would you know? You know something that you’re just not telling, don’t you? I didn’t know that we kept secrets between eachother. I thought that we were friends. I’m joking...calm down. When you find out how to cheat pain and heart ache, then replace it with a whole bunch of happiness, please don’t forget about me. You know what else can’t be brought back? it’s something other than time. You can’t get back the days that you spent sitting around when you could have done something to help you keep or hold on to a part of the history that you created. The history I created rather. I can’t get back the days that whenever anybody I was cool with did something fun, asked me to join them, I always said no. I can’t get that back. I always figure that out after the moment is gone. I actually believe what my sister keeps saying. Am I really that slow. Awww man. I’m actually admitting it. So this means what exactly? I’ve been in denial about it the entire time. Oh whatever. I wouldn’t even give my sister that type of pleasure. She’s short, and she’s just short. Haha. Slow beats short any day, so right now, I don’t mind.
Ooh, Lauren sent me a message back today. She said everybody missed me, and something about the basketball team. That’s sad, can you believe that? I sent her a message back, but I can’t tell you what it said yet. Things are going just the way that I want them to; and that’s just great. I just haven’t made contact with the person that I need to be talking to. Lauren is cool though. I wonder how her basketball season turned out, and I wonder how she’ll react to the message that I sent her. I hope she keeps it a secret like I asked her. I have faith in her. I have enough to believe that she will keep my secret. Now two people know about it, but my limit is four. I can’t say too much because it’ll get around and I don’t need that. I can’t believe that everybody missed me, but why wouldn’t they right? I guess that even though I was invisible, people still saw me. I guess it didn’t matter. That’s a really nice feeling to have. I wasn’t ready for it to be over. So because it wasn’t supposed to end, I’m going to make it last forever. It’s time for me to chose the dream that I always wanted. I can’t think about everyone else, because that’ll cause me not to want to go. This is not how it was supposed to end, so it won’t end like this. I didn’t create this life, just to slip up and lose it. I’m sorry for the mistakes that I made, I was caught at a moment of weakness. I promise I’ll never do it again. I just want my old life back. There is really nothing wrong with this one, I just prefer something else. I’m not a bad person for viewing this the way I do. My heart just doesn’t want to hurt her, but it doesn’t really have a choice. She’s trying her best to do it better than she did it before when we left the first time. She had some things that she needed to deal with. That’s understood. She just took too long to recover. If she could have quickened the process, my life wouldn’t e what it is. Things wouldn’t have turned out the way that I’m about to end them, if she would have hurried up and got us back. I can make things happen. I think I contain that much power. Things will go my way, for the 1st time in my life. I’m happy about that. I have actually drifted away from how my day turns out each and every day. I guess it hasn’t become that important to me anymore. I don’t know why, it just has. Nothing exciting happens anymore. I wonder why.
You know, track is trying to become a serious part of my life. track wants a commitment that I’m not ready to agree to. I may never be ready. I’m toying with it’s emotions. I can’t help what I’m doing. track is just something there that I let be, because I have something else on pause. It won’t be on pause too much longer. You want to know what I mean, Don’t you? Well, I really can’t help you there. This journey will soon one day be over, then I can go back to the way that things were. Things were great then...so what had happened was...now that is unacceptable. I can’t settle for that. It won’t work out properly. I can see it from here, and when it’s that clear, that’s when you know. That’s how I knew. My song has played it’s last note. It’s just like Rhianna said. My song doesn’t even have a melody. It’s time for another song to play. It’ll be a song of my choice this time. Maybe Boyz II Men’s End of the Road. I’ve reached it. we all reach then end of our road at some point in our lives. Now all I see is a one way street, or I have to turn around. Let’s see what’s down this one way street. I hope it’s something different. it could be my dream; who really knows?
Hmm. I’ve got a track meet tomorrow. I just know we will lose, but I need to be ready for it. as long as I try to do my best, I’ll be fine. I know that I’ll see runners better than me. There is always someone that comes along and is better. It always happens. You can never be the best forever. It’s great to think it, until someone comes along that is better, works harder, and isn’t all about themselves comes along and lets you know. You never know what future is meant for you, until you step back in time and see if you can live without it.
Didn’t Thursday come fast. I’m so mad that Wednesday sped up to let Thursday intrude. I got that damn track meet today. I’m still nervous from Tuesday. That’s a shame isn’t it? It’s okay to be nervous. I have always been like this. My hands start to shake, and my skin starts to crawl. My choice of words were kind of silly right. Oh, Grow up. Anyway, today is jetting by like a shooting star. I’m in sixth period right now, and Mr. Nolte is playing a movie. That’s a surprise. We were in class just the other day for like two long hours. He had us working the entire time. I wanted to go to sleep so bad. You know teachers try and send you to the office for sleeping in their class, but you’re not the one that should be blamed. if they did a better job at teaching, you wouldn’t be in their class sleeping; so it’s their fault. can you feel that? They have no right to wonder.
Oh yeah, I love this movie. “Ella Enchanted.”
Right now, it’s 1:40. The intercom just came on. It’s time for the track players to go. The meet isn’t for another two hours, but no class. Hell yeah. Anyway, I have to roll. It’s actually important this time. I’ll let you know how it ends.
Well, the meet is over. We didn’t lose, but we didn’t win either. We got second place. It’s still not first. I came in third in my event out of four people. I didn’t really like that place, but by the time I decided to speed up, the race was over. A national champ was running on the track. I wasn’t about beat that girl. It was also my first time going out for track. I wish I could be as fast as the girl that placed first, but I’m not. I think we could have did better. We really could have, but I guess that you can’t win them all.
So until next time. Maybe it’ll get better. We have another track meet at some school called Theodore High School. I hear that’s where it’s at. That track separated the winners from the losers. Coach Harvey talks about it when she gets mad, that’s how the girls on the track team catch it. You know Coach Harvey swears? Wait, that sounded so cliche. How about, she uses profanity. Yes, that sounds a lot better. I guess that everyone does it, but to be an administrator, and do it all at school. I can’t really say much about that because she’s the P.E. teacher, the teachers in the classroom are far worse. Coach Harvey Is a really cool person. She is like one of the kids sometimes. You can’t find many teachers like that, and still be as passionate and serious about what their occupation or obligation is to a group of adolescents that stand before them. Some teachers forget that they don’t get paid for their students to like them,(Melissa Lietz). I hate when teachers try to do that. Denton middle School is a sad and pathetic excuse for a place to try and learn. I’m not exactly talking about anyone, even though that’s how it seems. if guess I'm just holding on to  a life in which I no longer accompany. They say that the past is supposed to help you grow into a more wise person, and by learning fro your mistakes you are better off. What about the things in life you left behind and wish to obtain again? Do they ever come back n their own?
The more time I spend hanging with the fams again, the more I wonder if by making this decision, will it change everything. Of course things will never be the same; so that was a stupid question for me to even ask. There was no school today, so this weekend should feel sort of long. That’s a good thing for me. I already don’t like the school I’m at right now; and you should be able to tell by the way I address it. That school. Anyway, I’m at home right now, bored as I don’t know what. I’m planning to do something to night that might regret. That’s contact my dad’s ex on my mom’s boyfriend’s phone. I’m going to text her. I just hope that I don’t get caught. Friday is going to be really slow. I wish something exciting would happen, but I don’t live for excitement. I can barely live in the meaningful moments that come close enough to me to grab a hold on to. I wonder when I’m going to stop making excuse for everything that’s going on with me. when will I realize that I can’t get back what I lost so long ago? When will I let myself completely move on, and just forget about everything that I said I put behind me? It’s back there for a reason. I keep letting myself be pulled back by flames that are trying to rekindle themselves. they aren’t flames of love, it’s just that the past dies hard. It won’t go down without the fight of a lifetime. see, the thing is, I don’t know if I can handle that. All this shit is what’s holding me back. I wont let my past go, and it’s my future that is suffering the most. If only I could understand why I hang on to something I should just turn loose. I think I have a theory as to why it is. I believe that I put too much logic into things. Before I do something, I stop myself; because I have already planned the entire thing in my head. Once I do that, My mind can’t even convince me otherwise. It’s like I have already foreseen the rejection, and the awkward moments. Once I convince myself in my head that this is what’s going to happen, I feel like there is no need to waste me time. Why is it so difficult for me to just let go? what is it that has me so addicted that I refuse to put it down? Whatever it is, I just hope it doesn’t last forever. I hope it goes away, and soon. It gets harder and harder as days go by knowing what I have on my heart. They say holding stuff like this is can be extremely dangerous. I guess we’ll see if what they say is completely accurate. maybe it is, then on the second thought it could be inaccurate. You know, people tell me all the time that I should just stop worrying about things like this, because no one really pays me that kind of attention. I Just feel like they do. I don’t want to be invisible, but I don’t want to be that noticed. I already don’t talk as it is, so why make it even more difficult? Why not?
I don’t think it’s smart for me to think the way that I do. I should learn to just give people fair chance. I have this little motto that I created when I first moved to Kentucky. It goes like this,” If I don’t know you, then I must not want to know you, so if you see me, keep walking, and please don’t talk to me.”
It’s crucial, I know, but guess what? It helps me out, plus, I really don’t care. I listen to my instinct more than I ever would myself. Am I stupid for that? Or is it that I would just rather be a dumb ass fool? I don’t know; but I also don’t have a lot of time to figure it out.
This quiet, shy girl was supposed to have gone away by now; but I’m sill that girl. She was supposed to be gone, but she’s me, and I’m...nope, I see what you’re doing...You think you can figure out my secret. Nope, I won’t tell you. You have to wait just like everybody else. “Blessings come with patience”. I’ll holla.
It’s like one O’clock in the morning, and I’m texting my dad’s ex. I’m not supposed to be texting on his phone, but I do it anyway all the time. My heart and I debated on whether I should text her, and I lost. We had an entire conversation. Let’s see, so far this conversation is going something like this,
ME: Stephanie
Stephanie: Yes
ME: Hey, it’s Shaunice
Stephanie: Call me
ME: I can’t on this phone
Stephanie: Ok, are you and the boys okay
ME: Yes, we’re fine, but I think I made a mistake
Stephanie: Why?
ME: I wanna come back
Stephanie: k, what you need me to do?
Me: I got it all planned
Stephanie: Tell me the plan
Me: Well, it has to happen on a weekday, it can’t happen on the weekend. I have a track meet on the 20th and 27th. That’s my alibi.
Stephanie: ok, can I tell your dad?
ME: Yeah, but tell him please not to call down here
Stephanie: What school do you go to?
Me: A school called Denton. It’s right next to Davidson High school.
Stephanie: Ok. Well, I’m going to let you go. I don’t want you to get in trouble. When will I hear from you again?
ME: If I get in trouble, it’ll be worth it. I’ll call you tomorrow at 12.
Stephanie: from what number?
ME: 535-1545, area code 251., Do you have another number that I can call you from, everybody could easily recognize this one.

Stephanie: 270-996-0210
Your dad has another number.
ME: What is it?
Stephanie: 270-780-4663
ME: iite.
Stephanie: Love you
ME: Love you too.
Well that was the whole conversation. She said she would tell him what was up. It’s actually going to happen. I asked her how he was, and she was like he misses us, and wants us to back. I told her that it’s just me coming, because I’m the one that he has left that still wants anything to do with him. That was that.
Now all I have to do s call her in a few hours so she can tell me what he said. I can’t wait, but I have never been so scared in my life. I’m actually doing what I said I would do, and it’s very scary. I never thought this day would begin approaching. It’s leaping its way on my calendar. It’s coming, just like it said it would. It’s exactly how I planned it. This is what I wanted though. One thing Damnit. I got attached. It’s not too bad. Once I’m gone, it’ll vanish. What if it doesn’t though. Kentucky just didn’t go away. I kept attempting to convince myself that it’s different, but is it? Is all a person really needs is a little time. Is that really it? I guess that I won’t be around long enough to see if that’s even true. I really won’t be there. This is one of the few things in my life that have ever gone the way I wished. I can’t believe it. I never saw that day. I’ma hit you back later at twelve. I wonder if she brought food home. Holla for now. pretty soon, things will be the way that they were meant to be. Man, it’s eleven O’clock . Well, I got a good amount of hours to sleep. I got at least nine hours at most. I have an left before my fate is decided, and I don’t have to buy it this time. That’s different.
Well, I’m about to go hit the candy lady house so until twelve. You remember what that is don’t you? I hope so, or I’m worried.
Well, it’s going on at least three O’clock right? Something was wrong with my mom’s phone. so I had to text Stephanie and tell her to hold on. I did finally get a hold of her after no one was around. My sister was gone to work, and my brother’s were at the park. I was finally alone. I walked back to the candy lady so I could talk on the phone to Stephanie. This is a conversation
ME: Stephanie hey
Stephanie: Yeah, so what’s going on?
ME: Yeah, I just wasn’t ready to go.
Stephanie: Ok
ME: So was he mad

She told me that he was so mad, and what topped it all off is that she had him on the other end. I allowed it, so it was fine. She told him everything. She didn’t leave out even a detail. She then told me he said I could call him at his other number and that he’d pick up.
So let me tell you how that went
Me: hey
Dad: Yeah
Me: Did she talk to you last night?
Dad: Yeah, she did. So what’s going on?
Me: Nothing, I just wasn’t ready to go.
Dad: So why didn’t you call me before?
Me: You still have that 282 number?
Dad: Yeah
Me: Oh, ok
Dad: So why haven’t you written me?
Me: I don’t know.
dad: Do I’ll be down there Thursday to get you
Me: ok, bye
Dad: I love you
Me: I love you too.
Just so you know, he’s talking about the twentieth of March. That’s like in a week. That’s so soon, but it might as well be. Track season is almost over. Now, I have a week to pull this off. I have never done anything like this. I have never done anything like this by myself anyway. One could easily fall down and slip, but if I fall I have to get up and do my best to keep moving.
After I told him that I would call Wednesday to check and see where he is so far. He’ll mess it up if I don’t see him in the parking lot Thursday morning. I told him that no one knows about this. I hope he understands what I mean by that.
I walked backed towards my house after our conversation ended. This is really happening. I’m about to get everything that I hoped for. It’s all coming back to me. I’m coming back to it. I knew in my heart that we were made for eachother; and if all goes well, then I wasn’t wrong.
I checked to see if my mom needed anything. I couldn’t disappear for too long. I had to verify that I was around from time to time. After I did that, I became really nervous for a second. I had a reason to be nervous. I wasn’t too far from scared. I’m about to hurt some people so bad; and even with that on my mind, all I can think about is my dream. That’s why it all feels so wrong. This is going to hurt my mom greatly. it’s not really what I want to do, but I’m at my breaking point. It sort of just got in the way of what I was trying to do, and I had to crush it. pardon me if I’m talking slow, but I have to get up and go, and you know it’s kind of sad, because I have to do it on the low. What's the reason that I have to leave, and work so hard to keep it a secret? People are going to be mad, but this life is not for me. I have to leave it. I have one hundred and twenty hours to get up out of here, and I have to do my thang like magic and disappear. I can’t do this, I’m about to lose it, my mind; it’s racing hard, all because my peeps are about to fall apart. I have five days to say good bye the best way that I know how. in five days, I may never see my mom again. Five days isn’t enough to try and make amends. One hundred and twenty hours summed up in five days, and I’ll be gone away for real. You see how I just did that? In all of at least a few measly seconds. I never thought that things would ever be like this; still they are, and no one can change it. Life can’t change it, time can’t change it, because time reverses for no one. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. it’s all probably because I could get back everything that I wanted, but I can’t get that time back. That’s the only thing that you can’t replace. that’s the hard part. I could have just allowed the life that I created to pass me by once I left it, but the water has run dry. still I don’t want going back to be the biggest mistake of my life. I guess I’ll see, won’t I? Maybe it’ll be easier now that there will just be one of me. hopefully things will change for the better. he sounded extremely calm on the phone. I think he got over the whole, my kids ran out on me thing. So, I guess we’ll see how Thursday goes.
Right now, I’m sitting on my back porch talking to you. I have two big bags of candy on the side of me. So, I’m in heaven right now. Yeah, don’t say it. You have a point, but forget that. I just said that I’m in heaven right now. So it seems as if I’m calling Kentucky what?...Hell?
If it’s hell then why am I coming back to it? Love can make you do some things you never dreamed of doing. Love is what pulled me back, like Tyrese and Chingy. It wasn’t love for a person, it was something deeper than that. I don’t think I have enough paper to explain to you, or even describe how much deeper this runs.
I’ve been trying to dump Damien for almost a week. I’m just not ready for what he’s ready for. I thought it was enough to attempt it, but it wasn’t. He wanted to go all the way. I still don’t. He claims that he loves me, but I don’t believe it I never will. He has gotten into my head a few times, and I let him. I’m still not stupid. I don’t love him. I don’t think that for him I’m capable of it. I’ve tried writing him a letter, and putting it in his window...I’ve tried calling...texting. He won’t let me avoid him, and I’m out of ideas. He’s not the one, but I knew that he wasn’t.
I believe that because he thinks he has me by one year, he’s smarter than me. Nope, not by a long shot. That doesn’t explain why I’m still messing with him. I don’t know why I'm still leading him on. Damnit, he just won’t go away. I like him is not enough. I won’t be around too much longer anyway, but it’s not like he’ll even miss me. he has the game messed up if he thinks I’m one to play with, because I’m not. I could never love someone like him. See, I told you that I had commitment issues. I didn’t understand it at first, because I only saw that type of thing on TV, until the day that it happened to me. He only said it because he thought he could get what he wanted more easily, but it’s not going to happen. I’m still wishing that he was someone else. Even pretending doesn’t work though. I’m letting him go though. I didn’t need him, he needed me.
I’m supposed to be getting my track shoes today. I doubt t though. Something has happened. I refuse to tell you, because I believe you already know. You probably knew before me, and that’s the thing that hurts the most. This still wasn’t supposed to ever happen again. I guess things happen for a reason. You just have to stick it out until the end and see how things turn out. You know, by the time I get those shoes, track season will be over. I won’t even be able to wear them either. So it’ll all kind of be a waste of time. All the blame can’t be placed upon me. It’s not all my fault.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. Yeah, in the pit of my stomach I knew that it would never end. See, you can have so much faith in a person, and then be let down terribly. That’s why you’re never supposed to get your hopes up. I sort of got my hopes up. I might be stupid for that. I don’t know. I wanted to believe that things would change and be different, but some things almost never change. Why that is, I don’t really know; but that’s just the way it is sometimes. Right now, it seems like something is missing in my life. Incompletion is all I feel. I was so used to things one way, that when someone changed them, it didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I always knew that when the time came to decide my fate, it’d be a choice that would affect more than me. sometimes you can’t change that fact, or change the fact that things in your life are going to come and go. We know that nothing last forever, and we also know that nothing in life is promised to you. Maybe you’re supposed to find something better once you allow yourself to make a change in your life that hurts you in the end. I watched this show the other day, and this girl said that when you care about something or someone, you try and put its feeling’s or their feeling’ first. Should I stay? It’s too late for insecurities, damage is about to be done. This is what I wanted. Vengeance. Revenge. Pay back. For some reason, it doesn’t seem all that important anymore. See, I realize what I’m doing, or what I have done. I have taken all my emotions, and all my angry thoughts, and made them real. They’re coming to life because I took some initiative. I guess I just never dreamed that I could make it happen, but I realize now that, you never know what you are capable of until you try. I guess I can see what I’m capable of. I have more power in my possession than I thought I could ever have.
I’m the Good-Bye gurl. Yeah, we’re back to that. I guess I can tell you what that means now. I find a life that I really like, and once I fall for it, I lose it, leave it, and move on to something else; all because of what got done to me. I do to people and to places what someone did to me, that is mean, but very much true. Good-Bye is always the challenge that I face, because it’s extremely hard for me to just sit down and deal with. Good-Bye is the word that I have no choice but to embrace, because I messed up and got used to it. If that wouldn’t have happened, then I’d have been able to keep some of the things that time gave me the honor to obtain. That’s why I try not to become too attached to anything or anyone, because it captures me, and grabs a hold so tight, that it refuses to let me up for air. Well, that’s the story of my life. I’m about to say Good-Bye again. that’s a new record.
It’s almost time for me to prepare for what happens next. I have an idea about that. I just hope it isn’t a repeat of what was. just like the life that I forgot about. The life that I forgot about decided that it never wanted to let me go, and it didn’t; but it’s my time to release it and set it free. Seeing the life that I forgot about again wasn’t all bad. Still I promised if I never saw it again that I wouldn’t be mad. I’m actually glad I did see it though, so I can say my third and final good bye. Yeah, I may hit it back in six or something years. I guess it depends on how hurt it’ll be when it finds out that I’m gone; and the way that I felt about it. I have ninety six hours left to go. It’s almost over. Like, “Gone baby Gone”, but they found her again. well, not in this movie. As I remember, she was happy where she was. That’s where we are different. I got it back, and had to go back to the way things were, just like me, and then she lost it. That same thing won’t happen to me.
Today is Monday the seventeenth of March. that was dumb to say, but it was a start. I don’t know if I’m going to track practice today. I might skip it. If I wasn’t hurting so bad, I might actually go, but I won’t make it at practice like this. I’m cramping way too bad. I can’t believe that I’m all calm knowing that I'm about to make a break for it. I’m sitting here acting like Thursday isn’t three days away. I’m acting the way I acted when I let myself lose Brian. He was the greatest friend I ever had. it’s crazy when you can be so close to someone and deep down know that all you can ever be is friends. No one ever wants to feel that. No one wants to invest all their feelings and emotions into someone that you can’t have the kind of relationship you want to have with them. It hurts. It hurts more than words can possibly ever describe. To love is one of the most amazing things that a person could ever do, but losing someone or something, and loving it, or that person at the same time is just too much all at once. If you give your complete self and be committed to that one thing or one somebody through it all, you deserve to be able to hold it within your grasp forever. don’t you? I miss him, and I still wish so bad that I could see him, but time couldn’t give me that. Time forbade me even that much. Three days, and I could go back to the way that things were. it all feels so unreal, like it’s a dream of mine, or some wishful thinking that I myself conjured up. Right now, it’s all kind of a blur, because I have to pretend with everybody. Like my track-meet coming up, I won’t make that meet. this trip that we planned over spring break, I won’t be going to it. After I leave, no one will probably want to go anymore. See, I don’t want them to stop, and press pause on their lives for me; because I may have them on hold close to forever. I want them all to move on. I would say and not forget me, but of course they won’t. Right? I don’t know why I’m talking crazy, because I’m family. We are all family. It’s like, how could I do this to them yet again. I’m about to steal all happiness in my mom. She’s going to lock herself in her room, and she’s going to cry. Like, what did I do? he’ll ask herself, and think hard too, but she just won’t get it. What went horribly wrong, is not her question to answer. You know, I hide behind all my jokes to cover up the anger that I feel inside. Maybe that’s just me lying to your face right now, because I don’t want to see what’s real. Maybe that’s all because I don’t want the life that I created to leave me forever.
Listening to myself, I realize that I sound extremely confused. One minute I think I have it all figured out, and then the next minute, I’m all lost again. That’s not good, because if I end up making the wrong decision, then what? If my decision is correct, then I’ll know it, because the guilt will vanish once it was gone. If the guilt doesn’t go away, then I guess I just have to live with my mistake, and try to learn from it. I wonder how things will be after five or six years if I show up at my mom’s door step. Will she be happy to see me, and then be mad, or will she be mad and then happy. I’m stealing her second chance to see me grow up. I’m stealing the bond that got created between me and my sister. I’m stealing my chance to grow up with my brothers as well. The next time I come back to Mobile , I’ll be twenty or twenty one years old. I’ll be off in college somewhere. By that time, all will really be lost, and the bonds that once existed will have to be created all over again, because I walked away. this is the last time that I’ll ever do it. walking away after this will no longer be a part of me, hopefully. I’m putting so much in jeopardy by doing this, but I can’t think about that right now. I have everything that I have ever wanted waiting on me to come back. It’s waiting patiently, and I can’t wait to get back to it. If you love something, you let it go, and if it comes back then that’s how you know. I got to the Stop light, the light was green, and green meant go; so that was my Q to leave.
I always said that I’d leave Kentucky when life granted me the chance, but that’s because I never actually thought life would grant me the chance. I was all talk, until time and Good-Bye made me walk. It stepped to me and said prove yourself, but I should have known that I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone. I spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy, and live up to their aspirations, but I forget that this is my life, and I shouldn’t have to live through, or live for anyone else but myself.
If I dig deep and obtain such aspirations and dreams on my own and my own way, I'd be getting somewhere. I’m still depending on other people, and other things; and I don’t like the fact that I do. I know that nothing is wrong with depending on people, but depending on someone for everything, that’s just going a little too far. I guess that it’s because I feel like a lot is expected of me, and I have to maintain that special something about me that makes me unique. In some ways, it makes me different.
Two days, and it’s all over. That doesn’t feel like enough time, but in some ways it’s enough. To days may be all that I need, but once it’s over, Ya gurl is going to break some hearts.
You know, right now it’s at least five thirty going on maybe six o’clock. Yeah, it’s like really four thirty going on five, but that day light savings thing has happened. Once again, I’m at home chillin on my back porch talking to you. On my way to my aunts from track practice, I began thinking. The thought actually just popped into my head. This would be one of the last times I’d walk to my aunt’s house from track practice. It was just little stuff like that. Time robbed me of these feelings the last time good-bye came early. Now I get to experience what this is really like. I get to understand a deeper meaning of Good-Bye. A completely different level of it. For a second, as I was walking, the strong, gusting wind almost tossed me backwards. Then I thought... What if this truly is a mistake? I began to think that maybe I shouldn’t go back. Should I set my feelings aside for what someone else wants like I have always done? if I do that, then I will never know the true meaning of happiness ever again. I’ll lose it forever. Is that what I want? damn, am I supposed to have an answer to that question?
I have seventy two hours before I break away, and my disappearing act makes history. That’s three days. If you think about it, that’s not a lot of time. as long as I keep pretending for these 72 hours, I’ll be set. What’s going to happen once I’m gone though. What will my family’s life be like. It will probably be hell.
my mom got the life back in her eyes that she had lost once. It dimmed faster this time though, the light is almost out. How will she go on? How will my sisters? Brothers? auntie? Uncle? I never thought about that.
This Thursday, when my track meet is held, what will they do when they realize a track meet isn’t supposed to last as long as mine will? I always call, but suspicion will begin to build when my aunt’s phone doesn’t ring. Then what happens next? That’s when they panic.
I’m still wondering how to hide my notebook long enough for me to be out of the state, and they find it days later. When I conjure up that plan, I promise to tell you all about it, but right now, I don’t have a clue. First they’ll have to figure out when I left, why, and how. No one knows anything. They can’t think that it was kidnapping, not the way that this is going to happen. I thought all this up, in my head. You should be proud. My dad has to be in the school parking lot when I get there. As I get out of my aunt’s car, I pretend to tie my shoes until she’s completely  out of sight and can’t see me. I’m going to tell my brother that goes to school with me to go ahead without me. Then, I’m going to go to my dad’s car, toss my bags into the trunk, and hop into the car. I chose morning because school lasts from 7:00 to 2:25 that’s almost eight hours. I’ll be in Kentucky by the time school lets out. plus, I have a track meet that won’t be over until six thirty. Before anyone knows anything, it’ll already be too late. That’s the plan. It should go exactly like this unless something goes wrong. Nothing better go wrong. I have waited too long for this moment. This is it for me.
You know, Coach Harvey still thinks that I’m going to run the 800 meter at Theodore High School Thursday. I hate to disappoint her, but I won’t be running it. So much for this four by four team that she’s about to create. To hell with them. I should just tell her so that she can make other plans, but that would be a big no no. If I did that, something would definitely go wrong. you know, I asked my brother Junior if he had a chance to go back to Kentucky, would he go? he told me that he didn’t know. He didn’t really get why I asked him that exactly, but when he decides to read in between the lines, it’ll be too late. If he knew, he’d snitch on me in a heartbeat. I’m still debating on whether I should tell anyone or not. Three days isn’t enough to debate the thought, so I might toss that idea out the window in a few short moments. Yep, Killed. It may be better if no one knows, and I just do it the smart way.
This is what held me back from Damien. Other things did also. This would never work. Not like this. he was holding something back from me as well.
I don’t know what attracted me to Damien. Something just did I guess. When he came around, I got all girly inside. Fatally attracted to Damien, I could never be. I can’t even see that. Anyway that thought in my head quickly passed about not going back. It’s all that I can think about now. I picture it in my head so many different ways. How will people react when they see me? What will they say? Better question...What will they do? Some may not care, I wish that was everybody’s train of thinking.
The impact I made on Kentucky was so grand that no one can ever forget who I was  if they tried. They remember that I’m the girl that jumped so many feet in the air to block that other girl’s shot. I was the post player that crossed the point guard up. I had it all; but it wasn’t good enough for the life that I forgot about. It was good enough for me, but the life that I forgot wasn’t too impressed.
A long time ago, I promised that I would never say Good-Bye to the life that I created. I kind of did, then on the flip side, I kind of didn’t. I should only live in Hello’s, good-bye is my enemy. If I didn’t expect Good-Bye all the time, I could be surprised, but I don’t know what it’s like to expect something different. Good-Bye became more than a word to me. The meaning of Good-Bye grew deeper. In order to fully understand something, you have to go through it. I have been through it more than enough times to understand it. I have forty eight hours left. Oh damn, that’s two days. No one still knows anything about me leaving. If only this was a dream; but it’s not a dream. It’s really real. It doesn’t matter right now until morning comes. That’s when everything that I planned becomes real. I won’t be able to calm down until after a few weeks, the same way I was when I left Kentucky in November of 2007. I didn’t want to lose the rest of 07, but I lost the rest of it. I have to work twice as hard for the lost time I missed to catch up with now. I can’t believe it’s really going to happen. I’m really going to pull it off.
I realize what I’m doing. I know that you’re confused, so please do let me explain. When I was in the sixth grade, I had a friend named Taylor Russell. At first I didn’t like her, but in the back of my mind lay so much envy. She was popular, and she could do just about anything. I guess I was just mad because she was better than me at practically everything. Anyway, my team could never beat her team; they were jus too good.
When the All-star season began, is when we really became friends. Her parents paid for me to play on the All-star team, and didn’t even tell me about it. I wonder why they did that. They didn’t even know me...
Still, I began to talk and open up. I began to be myself around her and her family. Taylor and I took classes together. Taylor was my best friend. Her house was like a mansion. I went over there once because we had a tournament at 8:00, and we had to leave at four in the morning because it was a two hour drive.
The point I’m getting at, is that around June, Taylor told everybody that she was leaving. I didn’t want her to go, but I couldn’t stop it. I grew quiet after that. We won the championship before she left, but the All-Star team would be forever changed; so everybody decided to give it up. That championship game was the last game we played together as a team.
Then one day, Taylor was just gone. She went to Texas. She left without saying Good-Bye to me. I’ll never forget that. I’ll never forgive her for it. I thought that we were better than that. I guess not though. Till this day, I have tried to contact her. I think she called me twice, but I wasn’t home. I saw a Texas number on my caller ID, but that could have been for anybody. If I would have known, I probably would have written it down. I don’t think I’ll ever see Taylor again. I know I won’t. So by saying Good-Bye the way that I have for the past two years, I realize that I’m doing the same thing to people I care about that I let Taylor do to me. I’m leaving without notice. I left a few weeks after she did; so because she was gone, what was the point of me staying? There wasn’t a point. I may never see Taylor and her family again. It’s been almost three years. I can’t believe she just did me like that. She could have said Good-bye, but I see how it is. Maybe I shouldn’t take it personnel, but I can’t help it.
We’ll always have 6th grade, and we’ll always have the All-Star team. sixth grade wasn’t going to last forever, it had to end some time. So is this what my Good-Bye’s like this are based on...because of...Taylor and her family leaving? It seems as though I’ve been such a different person Taylor left. She and her family, when they left, good-bye became a part of me. Seeing Taylor again after all these years would be one of the greatest things in the world. I wonder how she has been. Of course she’s been great, she’s Taylor. maybe she did this to me, it makes perfect sense. I never let go of what she did to me; so I just repeated what she did. I kept leaving. I kept recreating the scene that she and I created first. I kept leaving Taylor. Maybe this was my way to keep her around in the back of my mind. It’s my way of saying the Good-Bye that I never got. It seems that I’m about to let her go, but I have to play the Good-Bye game one more time before I go. I have to do it the way she did it. So, I’m finally letting her go? By choosing something that I know for sure will never again be temporary. Is that what this “Good-Bye Gurl” thing was all about? The fact that I let Taylor and her family unlock the key to my heart. That makes perfect sense too, doesn’t it? I wonder what things would have been like if Taylor had stayed. I wonder what things would have been different if Taylor had said Good-Bye. I kind of resented her because she was leaving. I tried to unlock the hold that she and her family had on me. It couldn’t be done then. I didn’t want her to go; but I couldn’t make her stay. The best that I could do was tell her that I didn’t want her to go, but what difference would that have made. I couldn’t even tell her that much. It could have made a little difference. Time still read an unsaid Good-Bye off my lips. I couldn’t put her in that type of situation. She was still my best friend though. I’ll keep her and her family in my heart forever. I mean what are the odds of someone knocking on my door, and once I open it, it be them. It’s like one out of infinity. Taylor’s gone forever. My chance of seeing her again, zero. It’s impossible.
Tomorrow it’ll be twenty four hours before I make a break for it. Right now, there is no tomorrow for me. all I have is today. Tomorrow is the start of something kind of new, but kind of old. Like newlyweds. I’ve only been a Lady Raider since October of 2007. I’ve been a Lady wildcat since February f the beginning of 2007. As you can see, I haven’t had either one of them that long. Losing 06 for 07 was one of the worst moments of my life. Losing 07 for 08 was even worse. I guess that’s the good part about it. You can’t let yourself have too much fun in one place, because you never know when it plans on disappearing. It can come and it can leave when it wants to or feels like it. That’s how it happens sometimes.
Well, sixth period is about to end, and I can’t wait. We have roughly six minutes. You know today is the last day I have to take this Pre-Algebra class. Today is the last day that I have to walk these halls. Today is the last day for Mobile. All of it. It’s not that I have anything against Mobile, it’s just not where I’m trying to be right now. The timing just isn’t right.
Well, it’s almost 9:00 right now. I can’t go home tonight. That was the plan, but my mom got arrested. Something about Domestic violence. That’s crazy. You know, normally the male only gets arrested on that charge. It’s crazy when a woman gets arrested for a crime normally a man commits. I guess it happens though. Every woman don’t want to be the victim forever. In this case though, me and my mom got arrested. I won’t get into details, because she would come all the way to Kentucky to kick my ass for this. I know that I probably need to watch my mouth, but sometimes, these are the only words that help to issue out these type of hardcore feelings. That sounds like a lie, but it’s true. You say certain words for a purpose, I guess. There is emotion behind your words. Maybe they are to cause hurt, or to express anger, but we all know that we say and do things for many other reasons.
I called my dad tonight. He didn’t pick up, so I left him a message because I wanted to know where he was at. I then texted Stephanie, and I texted him. Neither one of them sent me back. I wonder what could be wrong.
You know what’s really a bitch? In the beginning, my aunt’s phone screwed with my plans for two months. Then I took initiative. I contacted my dads Ex to sneak me out of the state, and now we can’t do that because the day that it was all supposed to happen, some unfortunate event ruined it. I told you. There is always something standing in the way of my happiness. Maybe time is trying to tell me something, and I’m just being disobedient by not listening. If that’s the case, I can tell time that I don’t want to be warned. Maybe I don’t want to listen to what it has to say. Maybe it’s done enough already. I bet it never thought of that. It can never just leave me alone. I know that it can’t. It’s always interfering with my life, and I’m sick of it, but it’s not like there is anything I can do about it. You can’t just rid yourself of time. It knows that; and the worst part of it all is that it knows that you need it and can’t be without it. That’s how these things work. Without the perfect timing, even if you’re off by a millisecond...you can lose everything just that quick.
Well, guess where I am? I’m on my way to Kentucky. I’m so happy. No, I’m not on my way to Kentucky, so I’m not happy. I’m on my way to school. It may be a three minute walk from the store that my sister and brother get dropped off at. I looked everywhere. I even walked slow. He wasn’t in the parking lot. You don’t know how mad that made me. I only have a maximum of three or four minutes to pull this leave off. Things are already headed downhill. I didn’t make a plan B. Why didn’t I think that something would go wrong? I asked him to be in the parking lot, and he couldn’t even complete that task. How? I mean, why did he do that to me? I didn’t have anything planned today. I guess I’m going to my track meet after all. Damnit, I have to run. Things weren’t supposed to be like this. Then again, how were they supposed to be? A plan is not officially a plan until something goes wrong. Nothing can just go perfectly without a mistake left behind. I’m pissed off. I wasn't even supposed to make it to 1st period. The furthest I was supposed to get was the campus, and that was supposed to be it for me. Now what do I do? I have to find out what the hell happened, and why he wasn’t where he should have been. Now I have to replan and rethink something totally different. How am I going to do that? Wait, I’m a genius; of course I can think of something. If you want something bad enough, you take it. I actually just thought of something. Eventhough I don’t want to try this at the end of the day, I have no choice but to give it a shot. Since I have a track meet today, I can go up to the office and make a phone call. It depends on what time they call the track players to the gym. Maybe I still have a shot at accomplishing this today. maybe there is still some kind of hope. What if there isn’t though? He said that he would be here. I took his word. Should I really have done that?
For the first time in my life, I am depending on him. My dream lay in his hands, because he is the one that has to take me to it. I’m putting all my faith into today, into him. If he lets me down, then I don’t know what I’m going to do. if he lets me down, I don’t want anything else to do with him. I’ll let him go, and I won’t ever think of him again. It’s up to him on what he wants to do now. If he’s ready to lose me forever over a few hundred miles, then he is the most selfish person in the world. I don’t know why I ever depended on him in the first place. I guess I’ll see what kind of father he is today.
You know, I never would have thought that things wouldn’t go exactly how I planned them. What, am I stupid? At least now I have a second plan. I want to call him just to see how good his lies have gotten over the past few months. What excuse does he have for disappointing me again?
It looks as if I can’t call him tonight, because I’m over my aunt’s house; and it doesn’t look like she’ll be back anytime soon. Why are my plans continuously being ruined? What does time have against my plan? Why does it hate me so much? One day, I’m going to ask. One day I’ll get my chance to do just that. If only I could get close enough to it, but who’s in control of that? Who’s the beholder of my destiny?
Why does Good-Bye continue to try and ruin me? Why do a series of unfortunate mishaps cause me to be let down time and time again? I have a lot of questions, don’t I? They are all unanswered. Question marks continue to appear in the back of my mind. I wish time could freeze for me long enough to do what I‘m trying to do. I just wish that things wouldn’t keep occurring to cause things to go so wrong. I ask questions, and questions, and questions. My end results are always questions behind the ones that  already asked. I don’t have to play by life’s rules to figure them out. Do I?
You know, nothing went the way that I wanted it to yesterday. Absolutely nothing. Everything I planned failed, and Oh yeah, I never got a chance to call my dad tonight. By the time my aunt got home, I was knocked out. I know she got back late because I went to sleep past eleven and she wasn’t home. My whole plan B counted on last night, but as you may know, she didn’t take me home after the track meet.
Oh yeah, about the track meet. Eventhough I didn’t plan on making it to the meet, our team did really well. I couldn’t believe the time that I got running around that Theodore High School track twice. My time was three minutes and eleven seconds. My time is normally 3 minutes and thirty; so I improved a lot. There were twelve girls in my event, and I came in fourth. I could have come in 1st or second, but I allowed two girls to stay ahead of me. I was going for third, trying to get past this really skinny girl. She tried to speed up, but I passed her. Then out of nowhere, I got passed from a girl behind me. All she did was capitalized on the mistake that I made, and took her a good spot. She stole third place right out of my hands. To be fourth out of twelve places is still good. After the race, I had to go and sit down. I wanted to lie down. My teeth felt like new teeth were pushing the old ones up. My chest hurt me so bad that it pained me to breathe, and I was so light headed that I could have been floating in the air. I felt that way for about ten minutes.
You know, I didn’t know that boys could ride the bus with girls. That was different to me. It wasn't like that in Kentucky. I kept forgetting that Mobile, and Kentucky were two different places. They are two completely different worlds. It’s easy to notice it, so why am I still living in the fantasy of the world that I created? People have their own little realities. Some people prefer to live in the mist of the world that they created. Like me for example. I never thought I’d prefer a life other than the one I have always known, but things happen...life happens. So much for the amount of hours that I had left. Right now, I’m in the negatives. I hate to be lied to. I also hate to be disappointed. Right now, I was supposed to be in Kentucky. I was supposed to be reuniting with a bunch of my old friends. That’s not what’s going down. I’m sitting in class wondering how in the hell did things fall down so badly. I didn’t ease this situation into my equation. It seems you must pan for the unexpected as well, because it seems to be what you always get. Since it didn’t go down how I planned it this week, I have to deal with next week. County is next week. I have one more week to make this happen, so if it doesn’t, then the plan is off. I have one last chance, and then my dream will be lost forever. I told you that my dream is in my dad’s hands because he is the one that has to take me to it. I just hope he doesn’t throw it back at me. I keep saying that I’m his last chance, and that’s because it's true. I want to make it back to Kentucky. So what if I’m using him to get there. As long as I get there, that’s all that really matters to me. I can say that I have learned to value the things that I have better, and live like I won’t see it tomorrow. That’s always my regret. Every single time that I say good-bye. There is never really a right time for good bye, but someone has to say it. It occurs some time in life. I know now, that one thing in life for sure is really true, Good-bye and love is never really of any importance until it preys on you. So once it does, you attempt to run like hell, but you don’t really go anywhere. It’s just repeated ground that you have already covered. So what is history doing? It’s repeating itself.  All the way over again; until you decide to change it.
You know, I really don’t let too much bother me anymore since I've gotten back. I don’t get mad, because I always stay positive; but I don’t know what made me think of that. I read a poem I wrote from maybe early November. One of the lines that I vaguely remember was, “One day he’ll turn around, and I’ll be gone.”
at first that was just a lyric of mine that I put into a stanza , but from where I’m sitting now, that lyric got brought to life and became real. You never believe anything like that is even real, until the day that it happens to the person you never thought it could. You.
Nothing ever goes how you expect it. Even if it’s just a little detail that is slightly altered. You may not notice it, but you always do, just when it’s too late.
Well, I’m back. You didn’t even notice that I was gone, but I just woke up from a nap. I didn’t plan on falling asleep, it was just something I did. It was getting hot outside, so I went in the house and laid down. I‘m just waking up. I slept great too, thanks for asking. I didn’t even realize how tired I was.
Saturday right about now is bad. Nothing bad happened today, but that’s my point, nothing can. Now I hate to wait on the 27th, that’s County, great. Whatever. The chances that I will make it to county seems 80% yes, and 20% no. I have lost all hope. I only have twenty percent of one hundred percent of faith left in me. Hell, it might be eighteen or nineteen tomorrow. Who knows? That’s how this whole thing started. I don’t. We don’t.
Two days have passed since March 20th. I mean duh, right? Can you believe that two days ago, I was supposed to be out of the sate of Alabama? I’m still here though. I don’t understand. Why is it that he is always just a little too late. What explanation could he possibly have for this. It better be a really good explanation. One more day here, and I don’t know...I might kill myself. Being back here is driving me completely past insane. I didn’t know that it would have such a major negativity sign hanging over my head; because now, all I want to do is rid myself of the whole thing. I never asked to have it back. I never wanted to see it again.
For the first year after I lost it I was fine. After that year, things picked up for me. Once things picked up for me, I forgot about the past, and decided never to look back. That’s not wrong, it’s just life. Some people choose not to look back at certain things, while others live for looking back at certain things sometimes miserable, but far from invisible. Isn’t it nice how I put those words together?
The life I forgot about for a while contained ultimate power. I mean the life that I created really couldn’t touch it. Not even with a pinky. Not even the big bad wolf’s breath could make it tumble down; because for just a minute, the life I forgot about was sitting on top of the world. It wasn’t about to fall down at it’s own risk and own will. Somebody had to push it. I guess that someone had to be me. It is because I pushed it down that I knew it would fall extremely hard. No one can hit the ground that hard and get back up without a scratch. No one gets that lucky. That kind of luck just doesn’t exist to me; but I have been wrong before, so you never know.
The two worlds I obtain have turned their backs on me for all eternity as I know; and there isn’t a thing that I can do about it but what I’m doing. There is no...Other way.
I told myself that I would never choose between the life that I forgot about, and the life that I created. I guess that I was wrong, because it feels as if I have chose the life that I wanted fate or just call it destiny...to give to me. I never actually saw it as choosing...It was just something that I did. Not that it was my intention, like life...it happens to all of us. Sometimes it’s just what we get, Eventhough it’s not what we ask for. Sometimes you take what you get, but I was over what I had...had...was in the past, and the life I created, I want it back.
The worse thing to do when being put in the crossfire of someone else's mighty flames is to choose. Choosing brings hurt on that one thing that you don’t pick. That’s why when you finally choose, you don’t really know or fully understand how to handle such guilt. I worry too much about the way what I don’t choose feels, and I forget about me. Some consider that sweet, but what if it’s an all the time thing. It’s probably not a really good sign. I chose the life of which I wanted though. That’s what I’m going to get, it seems. Choosing is difficult, because you know that one person is going to be hurt, because the truth is, you can only please one person. Choosing just makes things harder on the person that has to do the choosing. I have had to choose a bunch of times, and it just hurts to know that you will lose one thing, just to gain another. I don’t see why parents put you in those shaky situations, but they do it. I guess they feel that they can’t choose for you forever Eventhough that’s what they would like. If you’re old then why not? It’s nice to get that choice, but I guess they just don’t understand the position they put us in. Maybe if they took a dip in our shoes, they could possibly get it, but our shoes are just too small for them to stick their big feet in. Does that make even a lick of sense to you? It doesn’t make a lick of sense to me either. So you see how that turned out. Well, look how well I turned out. Don’t you see it? Nothing good ever comes out of the choices that people are pressured to make. Pressure or none, no one really wants to go through anything like it. One way or another, something you don’t like is going to come out of it. You can hate it, but honestly, who is going to care? probably nobody, not even you.
You wanna hear something really funny? Yes, I bet you would like that, but it’s too bad. I don’t think I can tell you anything funny because I have like this weird sense of humor. It’s the way that I have always been. People stereotype me as weird, and I let them. All because I don’t really care that much to even try and care. That makes sense right? Yep, we’re going to say that it does, so I don’t have to go into serious detail. My life isn’t all boring that’s juts how I make it seem most of the time.
Hurt comes to those who don’t ask for it. So that means everybody then, doesn’t it? I didn’t ask for a lot of things, but in the end, that’s not what it ends up about. It ends up being about more than what you make it, because it’s bigger than you.
The most precious thing in the world is life. One of the hardest things in the world to do is make sense of those hard decisions that contort your life into the type of positions and situations that you don’t know how to handle, all because you have never faced them before. So how do you really get past all the things that you would pretty much rather be without? My best answer is just to try and live through it the best way you know how. At the same time, there are just some things that you can’t control. I guess it all just depends; on what? I really have no idea.
Well, have I got a story for you; but first, there is just something I have to get off my chest. Why is it that things never go the way in which you plan? Still, once again, I forgot to plan for the unexpected. What I mean by the statement I just made is that I never saw what happened this morning coming, because it happened all wrong. As I was on my way to school, as I normal I was late, a horn started going off. I didn’t pay attention at 1st, but the car pulled up in front of the school, and the horn repeatedly honked. My brother and I turned around to look. The car was burgundy, but that’s not what is important. I haven’t told you who stepped out of the car yet. It was my dad. It caught me completely off guard, because my brother was standing next to me. He said, “Come on, let’s go.”
I played so dumb, because I didn’t even know that he was here. Me and my brother got into the car and took off. He asked me what school did my youngest brother go to, and that’s where we went once I led the way. Once I found my younger brother in his classroom, I could only imagine the look on his face. His first thought would be to run. That’s what he said he’d do if he ever saw him again. Once he stepped out of his class, I simply waited. He looked like death had just approached him. He came and he stood on the side of me. He said,”Shaunice” repeatedly. I felt so bad. The plan was never to bring either one of my brothers into this, but my dumb self forgot who I was calling. He wasn’t supposed to take my two brothers. I already knew that they wouldn’t go for this that’s why it was supposed to only have been me. I was the one that came back and wasn’t happy. They were happy. I never meant to do my two brothers like this. They never wanted to go back. I was the only one that felt like this. I didn’t want to hurt them.
Sitting in the car, my dad kept asking me all these questions that gave everything away. Questions like, what made me call him. You know, little stuff like that. Both of my brothers stared me down. They had one of the coldest, most hateful looks pierced into their eyes. I couldn’t even look at them. It hurt too bad to even attempt. Now they knew, and they hated me for it. The hateful look in their eyes was so intense that I knew they would hate me forever for what I had done. They would never forgive me. I knew that, but what was done got done, and there was no turning back. I never meant to put them in the middle of what it was that I wanted. Now they are in the crossfire of the world they hated, vice versa; the world that the three of us created. I guess now is a good time as any to tell you that they want the life that we let ourselves forget about a long time ago. So as you can see, the three of us all wanted different things. I was supposed to be in Kentucky. They were supposed to stay in Mobile because I know that’s what they both wanted more than anything. I guess I kind of stole their happiness in exchange for mine. In the beginning, I hated something that I never had, but I grew to love the things of which I had never met before. My two brothers will never understand why I did this. I told you, I hid behind all my jokes to hide the pain that lie within me.
I know for a fact that I’ll be happy, but I know for another fact that they won’t ever be. Maybe once time sinks in, they’ll adjust to it, but I didn’t. So why should they? They adjusted to life that we forgot about, and I adjusted to the life that we created. Maybe one day, they’ll understand why I have done this. It make take years, but I hope they can forgive me for this. I know that it’ll change our total relationship, and the way they see me. I just hope that it  doesn’t take forever.
What’s going to happen when my aunt checks her voicemail, and calls my mom. I guess that it’ll be too late, but at the same time, it’s all going to fall down. Things weren’t supposed to happen like this, but because they are happening, nothing can really be stopped. I warned him that they didn’t know about this, but because all three of us are sitting in the car headed back to Kentucky, I realize that he didn’t care. I told you that with every criminal there is a mistake left behind. I made three mistakes. I guess that I’ll talk to you when we get there. . So much for county right? I told you.
Well, my dad is still trying to get in contact with my mom. My aunt talked to him earlier today. He just had to toss my name into the fire. Right no, she just called him back. They are talking on the phone about a lot of things. Then my dad says, “Here, Lisa wants to talk to you.”
Fear shot in my eyes quick. I had to mentally prepare for what she was about to say to me. I took a deep breath and grabbed the phone.
she said,” I just wanted to say I love you and be easy.”
Relief shot through me like a hot flash. I couldn’t believe that after what I had just done, all she had to say was, I love you...and be easy. I thought for sure that she would jump down my throat. Talking to my aunt was easier than I thought. That was only one person though. What would I say to my mom when she found out? How will I even talk to her? I didn’t know that once I was gone that I’d have to talk to the people that I left behind.
As the miles began to sink in, my brothers did calm down. Yeah. Eventhough that may be so, I realize that I lost the bond that we shared. They may smile, and we may play around, but that hate is still buried deep within their hearts. I may spend forever trying to make up for this because I know them. So because I know them, I also know that no amount of sorry’s will change a thing. Nothing will ever be the same again. I know this, because I’ve done this before. Why do I feel so bad about it? Why do I feel so guilty? I’m not supposed to feel this way, but it’s impossible not to care. My dad is trying my mom on her cell phone again. Oh my god, she picked up!
My dad said, “Hello. This is Raymond. Shaunice called me and told me to come down there and I came. I don’t know why, but I came on.”
I guess she asked him to speak to me because he handed the phone towards my direction. I whispered, “No” and gave him back the phone. “I guess she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
She must have asked him why I didn’t want to talk to her because the next thing he said was, “I guess she thinks that you’re mad at her or whatever.”
That’s exactly what I thought. I wasn’t ready to face my mom. I didn’t know what to say. This made her cry. I knew it. I was right. Eventhough it hurt me to know. My youngest brother talked to her, and he told me that she wasn’t mad at me. He told me that she didn’t even ant to talk about that. He said she just wanted to make sure I was okay. I placed my hands over my face taking in what he told me she had said. I knew that she was trying her best to stay calm. After she got back on the phone with my dad, he told her that he would call her back in an hour or so. That was just enough time for us to get to the house. I wondered what was running through her head. Panic? Shock? Damage beyond belief? All of those. This would change her life forever.
Well, we’re at home now. It’s eleven something. My dad is calling my mom right now. It’s time for me to talk to her and face this, because until I do; It’s not going to go away.
I took a deep breath as he handed me the phone. For a few moments I waited, and then I put the phone up to my ear.
Me: Hello.
Mom: What’s wrong? she sighed.
I could tell that she was crying. I could hear it in her voice. It wasn’t high pitched and Jolly like it normally was. It was low and soft.
Me: I was never ready to go in the first place.
Mom: I would never hold you against your will if you didn’t want to stay. You didn’t feel like you could even talk to me?
Shaunice: I guess I just didn’t know how you would react to it.
Mom: I love you. You know I do; and all I want is for you to be happy.
Shaunice: (Quiet) All I could say was oh.
This conversation was difficult for her to even hear. The words painfully rolled off her tongue, as they just came from mine. Eventhough I was now hundreds of miles away, I could feel her pain as though her tears were just falling into my hands. I could feel how hurt she was, and there was nothing I could do to change it all.
I let myself let go of everything that she had previously done, that’s how I left her. I damaged my mom for life, and if she goes back to the way she was, then it’ll all be because of me. It’ll all be my fault. I don’t want her to linger in strips and strings of the past. I want her to live for now. Ten minutes after we both hang up the phone, it rang again.
Dad: Shaunice...telephone.
I peeked my head into the door.
Me: Who is it?
Dad: It’s you mom
I went and got the phone from him and went into my room.
Me: Hello
Mom: So what are you doing? she said fighting tears that were approaching. I realized that it wasn’t my mom. Cinnamon. Oh man...I forgot about her.
Shaunice: Nothing, I answered.
In an instant, she broke out into tears.
Shaunice: What’s wrong? I questioned. Why are you crying?
Cinnamon: Because You ain’t here no more, and I ain’t get to say good bye.
All I could whisper was, “ I’m sorry. Now I was beginning to cry. I didn’t expect this.
Shaunice: Don’t cry, I pleaded to her.
She still kept at it. I could hear my mom in the background saying, “She didn’t want to live with me. She took it the exact way that I didn’t want her to take it.
After cinnamon stopped crying, she asked me were my two brothers were happy. I told her the truth, which was no, and she asked me why.
Me: They didn’t want o come back here.
Cinnamon: Shaunice....I want you to call me every night. Okay.
Shaunice: Ok. I promise.
Then we both hang up the phone.. I had thought of cinnamon would say, but I didn’t think it would be like this. Her tears spoke for her. She was hurt. After so many years of hating eachother, we finally connected as sisters. We told eachother all of our secrets. We didn’t keep anything form eachother. I broke that, because the fact that I was leaving was a secret. I only stood back and let it occur. Now who would I tell all my secrets to? Who would she tell? Once again, I have lost great things in my life, and that’s because I let myself become attached again. Eventhough it was probably the best thing for me to do, otherwise I would have forgotten what being home was like.
My mom had to coach her through the entire phone conversation. I hurt them both. It was all by accident. Now everything that we had is lost in the fire again. Well, we didn’t lose it, I sort of tossed it into the bonfire. Before the consequence of it all even played in my head, I thought about reaching in the fire and taking it back, but everything was burned to a crisp. Just too far gone to bring back. I never meant to hurt anyone, but not even fate could stop that from happening. There was no way that it was even humanly possible. I can’t change the fact that my mind was made up in January. I can’t help how I felt. Time gave me the deck of cards, and I decided that I wanted to deal. I dealt my fate, and I played the entire hand. My last cars said Bowling green Kentucky, so that’s the card that I played. It’s like, all I was worried about was winning. Once I played the card, it’s like everything around me vanished, and all I could see was the Bowling Green 15 miles sign. I guess like I said before, I never actually thought me leaving Bowling Green in the first place would ever even happen. Now, I’m back. Nothing has really changed. Everything is exactly the way that I left it. I can’t believe it. I’ve got my poems back, and My Warren East Lady Raider warm-ups. I have it all back, with my happiness included. my happiness still crushed others, but I can’t help that. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just have to be wrong.
To hurt someone takes a lot of thought, especially when you have a little idea about what you’re doing, and what’s going on. I traded my mom’s happiness, for my happiness without any consultation of hers. I broke her heart into I don’t know how many pieces. I wonder if she will ever put the pieces back together. I hope she does. She can’t allow herself to be trapped in the past forever. She has to go on. I hope she goes on. It may be the best thing, and then as time passes, she may understand that my dream made me take a spontaneous risk. The truth though is that my mom hasn’t been around me in three years, of course things about  me have changed. I’m not eleven anymore, Eventhough it’s more than that. It’s actually a list of things. I could name them all, but you know my reasons. It’s almost time for you me to tell you who I am, because this journey is really over. Any sane person could figure out who I am, but Well. Right now, it’s more important than ever that you listen to me. What I’m about to tell you for the next few days may change everything. I know people got hurt, and for that I'm truly sorry. Still, sometimes if people are standing in the way of the life you created and so badly loved, you eliminate them by any means necessary. I stepped on so many people along the way. You do what it takes, so that’s what I did.
As you grow older, you begin to have more broad thoughts. You change, because you no longer care about the things that you once did. You become someone else, and put the person that you were behind you. Sometimes it’s because you refuse to be the person that you were. Other times, you just decide that you want something different from what you are given. It is said that you must never want what someone else has, but this is different. I rejected the past, and embraced my creation of finding happiness in myself. I mean, come on. If you had a choice between the happiness you want, and the happiness someone wanted for you, which one would you choose? You follow your heart, because if you don’t...what else have you got? Nothing basically. That’s if you put some real thought and some real decisions into the whole ordeal. It’s not a game, nor a joke, because that’s the one thing you must never let yourself forget. If you do, that’s when things get mistakenly out of hand. You can’t blame anyone for it, because it was all your fault this time.
I’m here, and all I have to say is that I’m happy now. This is all I wanted. I turned my head for a quick second and let it disappear. It upset me for a while, but it came back. I searched and searched for it, then it reappeared just for me. Time goes slow when you want it to speed up. Then again, time goes fast when you need it to slow down. Most of the time, you always get the opposite of what you so badly want. If you wait and be patient though, something sometimes becomes of your pain. Sometimes.
Well, today I found out that my mom and dad are thinking about getting back together. I later found out that my mom and sister will be here next month, probably late April. That’s some of the greatest news like ever. I just got finished yesterday saying that maybe if you’re patient, something becomes of your pain. I guess it was all true then. How do you lead yourself to believe that you’re wrong, still deep inside know that you’re right, still you refuse to admit it. That’s different. Yes, it really is...but is anyone at fault for it? I don’t know. I doubt it; but something has got to give.
Today is an okay day for me. As you may have noticed, I am never excited on any day. My heart just start to beat really fast when something big is about to happen. So is that the same thing as being excited about something that is about to happen? I don’t know....Is it?
How am I in such a slump? My mom and dad are reconciling, and all I can think about is things that aren’t even important anymore. I guess I just can’t help it, because if I could, I’d be talking about something other than this. It makes good enough sense at this particular moment. So about them and this whole, getting back together thing. I think it’s the greatest thing in the world. I don’t know why they didn’t think about this a few years ago.
Well hold on, they did; but at the same time, I guess they were in their own worlds, and wanted different things.
I feel like it’s a great idea. By them being back together, it makes it easier for my two brothers and me, instead of us having to choose between them every time. I guess by doing what I did, it made them realize that they are better together than apart, and also that we were suffering as well.
They put their hatred for one another aside and realized that they are still married. Once upon a time they both wanted two different things, but they aren’t getting any younger than what they are. I guess that I always knew that beyond those thick layers of hatred they claimed  to have for one another. Once you dismember all that, there lies the love that never went away.
No matter how bad things got, I guess I never let myself give up on them. I’m glad for that. Somebody had to hold on, even when they pretended that they had let go. I never thought the day that they talked about getting back together would come fast enough.
My dad was just fooling his self, when he should have been trying to get my mom back years ago. I guess his ego just blocked the part of his brain that knew he needed her.
It was obvious because the only woman that was ever woman enough to have my dad was my mom. She took my heart when they split and never gave it back. That’s why he couldn’t give it to anyone else. He treated whoever he was with fair, but nothing can ever compare to your 1st true love; and out of all the women that he was with, there was only one that understood that.
You only love one somebody with your whole heart, and Eventhough that person is extremely far away from you...that kind of love never goes away. No one can deny that love, because that’s the only love that is really true. It was always going to be Raymond and Brenda. I knew that. I always did. Sometimes, I guess your wants and desires take over you, and your worlds sometimes create space. after everything that they encountered between eachother, I always knew, that in the end when everything was said and done...they would always come back to eachother. They have that thing that even thousands of miles can’t take away. True love.
That’s when you know that you have that certain thing that everyone wished for, but God granted only one. Enough of that for now, let’s talk about something else. I don’t know what to talk about though. I’m trying to think, but nothing is coming to mind.
I’ve been back in Kentucky for two days. I called Ladericka the other day. She didn’t pick up, so  decided to leave her a message. I wanted her to be the first to know, but Ashley Rainey knew first, making Ladericka second. I texted Ashley for about five minutes, then I decided to call because I didn’t want  to use up all my dads minutes. Ashley didn’t pick up. It was weird because I had just texted her, but I wasn’t about to trip of something like that. Ashley actually admitted that she missed me on Myspace when we messaged there. I couldn’t believe it. I still don’t know what type of impact I made on everybody’s life to make them miss me so much. Maybe she was as scared to talk to me as I was to talk to her. I wonder what she said when she heard the message I left her on her phone. Nobody on the basketball team has ever heard me talk louder than a whisper.
Anyway, Ladericka’s mom called me back, and she said she would tell Ladericka to call in like an hour. That hour passed, and the phone didn’t ring. So I went outside and did my own thing. I just wanted her to know though. Ladericka is my homie, so I was cool. Maybe I would just talk to her another day.
Spring break is over on the thirty first of March; so I don’t really have a real Spring Break. I got back to Kentucky when Spring Break was almost over. I guess that’s okay. It’ll give me a few days before I have to face Warren East again. I like the school, so don't get my words twisted up into the game, I mean...It was here when Franklin couldn’t be here. So because of that, I got mad love for it. I have respect for it that I can’t turn loose.
I tried to call Keisha Ray today, but when I called her, some boy said she stepped out for a minute, so I was like okay. I’m sort of glad she didn’t come to the phone. I didn’t know what to say to her anyway. It was going to be something super dumb though, and Keisha would have had no idea who the person on the other end acting stupid was. It would have been fun to do though, since nobody ever hears me talk, they’ll never know who I am, until I get used to talking around them. The getting used to talking around them won’t ever happen. I really do wish it could happen. If only I could be the girl behind the front that I put on. The girl behind my front wants to come out and play, but she’s being held back for some reason. All I want to do is be like everybody else at school. I walk to talk, and play around, and laugh. That’s all anybody ever wants, is to have fun and be happy. I can’t figure out why I’m trippin though. The one thing I thought could never happen has happened. Why am I sitting here still being sad? In the end, you always seem to get these outrageous questions that make no kind of sense. Even after everything is over and went a little better than you plan them. There is still always just something. You never know what. All you know is that it’s lingering around in the air somewhere in the air. That’s what makes it so difficult to place a location.
So Ashley knew I was here 1st. Ladericka knew second. Coach Thompson knew third....then the rest of the team found out. Coach Anderson almost died. She said, “ooh, it looks like she has gotten taller.”
That was Coach Anderson. Once I told her that I hadn’t played ball since I left, she was like, “We’ll put you to work.”
I knew that Coach would, and that’s what I was afraid of. Behind that smile I gave her lie self conscious fear. Last time, my legs were aching with pain for a week and a half. So I can only imagine what double the pain will feel like. I ran track though, maybe that will help me. I learned how not to get tired so quickly, but it’s Coach A....so is that even good enough.
Well, I think That I’m okay now. I’m straight rather. I don’t have to wonder if my mom hates me anymore, because I know that she doesn’t. She said that all she wanted was for me to be happy, then she was okay. That was a relief. I guess that I could have just talked to her, but it’s too late for that anyway. If I had the opportunity to do it again, and have back that one moment....I probably wouldn’t change one thing that I did. The cold part is that I can’t tell you why. maybe it’s because my mom and dad wouldn’t be thinking about the things that they are thinking about. Leaving the way I did was the only way to get this moment here quick enough. It worked.
I didn’t really think about any of this until it all begin to matter. I realized that I accomplished more than I set myself to accomplish. I didn’t tell anybody Good-bye, because my leaving was a secret that only I, and my guilty conscience had to keep. Some people’s face, I haven’t seen since the day that I disappeared for the second time. The disappearing act upgraded. I was the perfect Ghost, Again. I didn’t even set my standards that high, so I can’t really figure out how I ended up getting everything that I lost any type of hope for. I guess that after the first time, this leaving thing got really easy. You didn’t have to like deal with all the crying, and all the sad faces. You could just disappear with the pleasure of wondering. I really shouldn’t say the pleasure, but that’s the best word I could have come up with. You know what though. Eventhough things didn’t turn out even an inch of how I planned them; it feels like they turned out a little bit better. I hope that I don’t regret what I have done, so I guess that I will just have to see. Maybe this will work out better than I remember. Maybe the bad will out weigh the good so that the possibility can be viewed. Good things always come at a price. I can say the same thing about bad things. Either way it goes, something will be lost, while something else is gained. It’s not fair, but the things that you love and care so much about are the one’s at the highest risk of losing.
On November 19th of 2007, I was a Ghost for five minutes. no one knew that I was gone, until I was gone. Nobody knew what had happened. Nobody knew that I had just walked out, but my bad, that’s just how it happened. As miles passed, I could only sit and wonder, “How’s it gonna be now that I’m not there?”
I thought about a lot of things. My thoughts and emotions grew larger and larger. I couldn’t do anything anymore. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t even know I wanted to until I made the arrangements.
March 24th of 2008, I became a Ghost Again. I was a Ghost for about five minutes as well. No one knew what went on. No one knew what had went down, because as far as they knew, school took in at 7:25. I left at 7:20. I still wish that it hadn’t have been so random, but it still happened. you know, I’m glad things didn’t go the exact way that I planned them. That would have meant that things went perfectly. Nothing in the world is ever perfect without a price. Nothing can ever be. Sometimes things go bad for the better, sometimes they go good for the worst.
It’s because of something I did that gave me everything that I thought I could no longer have anymore.
I know that you’re not like waiting for me to open my eyes and start breathing hard because this was all a dream; but it’s not a dream It’s real. I’ve tried pinching myself harder and harder. It only just hurts though, and really bad at that.
I have thought that it was just a bad dream a lot of times. I never thought that it could be real. Not that I didn’t want it to be, but remember when I said that I wanted the Fairy tale. I got the fairy tale. How many people get that?
After three months of time I could have spent...The life that I created finally came out on top. It finally gained the type of power that it needed to win the war and make up for the battles that it lost out on. You know, the only reason it contained it’s power back is all because of me. I gave the life that I created back it’s pride. I gave it everything that it lost. If it wasn’t for me, the life I crated would have still been miserable. I created the disappearing act; it’s the upgraded version of it in 2008. That’s actually the year that we are in. The first time the disappearing effect came into play was a huge accident. That time it went all wrong. So that’s when I knew I had to make some corrections. The corrections I made were major, and extremely risky, but I did it.

So everything in its place
Destiny can’t look me in my face
I cheated it, and it’s still pissed
But I don’t care
I have my happiness
No more crying in the rain
no more drama, No more [pain
Oops I forgot one more thing
Who’s the one that said that?
Mary J...
Eventhough things went wrong
Better things came on along
Looked at the beholder of time
And said Good-Bye
You got yours, and I got mine
Now there is no need for me to cry
Because I’m at peace
And that’s no lie
The impossible is right here. The old has Vanished, and the new appeared. The past lay hidden, but it’s still not forgotten. Seeing it again was just a hobby. The past still comes in little strips of my day, but I chose what I wanted, and the past can’t break me from it again. All I ever wanted became limited. Minimal. I forgot about all the things that weren’t, and focused on the things that were.
My mom has gotten over what I have done. I can’t believe I had to do it all over again the same exact way. Maybe sorry doesn’t always do it. maybe that is the sort of word you say to make someone feel better because you were wrong, and you probably knew that. what is wrong? That tiny pinch of deceit that stays with you when you go on pretending that wrong never occurred? Is that what wrong is? That’s an OK way to view it. There has to be a correct interpretation of it because if there isn’t, you have got some things that need to be changed, and probably fast.
Well, as of right now, I’m seconds away from putting my pen down. There is nothing left to say. Everything has been said. I kept all the promises that I think I said I would keep. It’s funny how the tables turn, isn’t it? It’s always out of my hands. Odds are never in my favor. That’s just the way it is. It’s the way that things have always been. The way that things have always been, I don’t actually agree with, but I’m not the one in control if my life most of the time. Most of the time, it’s always someone else. so you see how weird it is when you can’t control what happens? Nothing in life comes free. As you can tell, there is always some sort of price that has to be paid by the actions you make, or the actions of someone else, causing all the pain, and all the hurt that you endure. Comprehension is never really as clear as you want it to be. you just do what most people are still trying to accomplish to this day. You move on. It doesn’t happen in a matter of days. It doesn’t happen in a matter of weeks. It takes some people years to move on before they ever do. That’s just the way things go. You can get mad, and angry, and upset, but in the end guess what? You’re still mad, and angry, and upset; but just a little more than last time. When things change, you almost always cry, or go into those mental states that drive you three ways past crazy and insane. Most never bounce back from it. That’s a lot of the reasons that we have mentally unstable people. They weren’t just born that way. Something made them that way. Maybe they held on too tight, and decided that they would never let go; and it drove them insane. Crazy. Loco. That’s how it happens sometimes, and that’s how it ends sometimes. Just the way that it started. Letting go is always made the difficult part all because good bye is what it all bars down to. It’s that last word tying you to that one last thing. Once you say good bye, that thing is gone. because deep down you know that what it is you said Good-Bye to will never be seen again. That’s usually how it turns out. What sense would it make to hold on, and be ma, and hold back. I guess it’s the closest thing we contain to the way that things used to be. It’s the closest thing that we get to that something we lost, and know for a given fact that we can never have again. It’s really a bummer when time passes, and you realize that you understand things well enough to explain them. I can almost explain just about any of those super difficult questions that I couldn’t answer so many years before.
I still can’t believe that this isn’t a dream. I’m still trippin off dat. Sometimes it’s easy to forget, but most people never do dat. Most people remember just about everything that their heart will let them. Sometimes people lock it away because they don’t want to deal with what they must, unless they want it to  haunt them for the rest of their lives. Some things haunt people forever. Hanging on is extremely easy because if you don’t want to let go, hanging on to that false hope doesn’t hurt all that bad. Sometimes all you can get is what you take with you, and everything that you can’t are the things that you have to leave behind. No life is ever perfect, and no amount of regret or sorry are ever worth it.
Well, here’s another one of my crazy stories; but it’s all very true. A lot of people won’t do what I have done. I don’t think it has ever been done like this. There’s a first time for everything, and I was the first to make it happen this way; all because I wrote a story about it. Don’t I feel special?
It’s basically over right? I told you what I wanted. I chased it down, and now I’m looking it in the face saying hello to it. How have you been? was it fun with me gone? I can’t really ask the life I created these questions. You can only wonder.
I got my basketball thing back. I don’t really know how it’s going to react to it. I haven’t seen it in over three months. I wonder if it’s mad at me for what I did to it. Walking around does actually feel a little different. After over three months it probably should. It’s amazing that I come back now. I wrote all that stuff about my teammates. I thought that I was saying Good-Bye forever. I thought that I wasn’t going to see them again. If I would have known I was coming back, I wouldn’t have wrote that because, I always try and say what is so badly needed, when it’s too late and time to say Good-bye. Sometimes I wait until it’s tool ate. There were just things I wrote down that I would never say to their faces. At least now though, they all see, me. I talk with my eyes because I’m always wondering and observing. That’s how I figure out what to say, and then what not to. people always wonder how I know so much, they never take the time out to see that when I treat them lie they’re invisible; it’s when I see them the most.
Basketball is what drew me. Saying Good-Bye is what threw me. If it weren’t for it, I would have never even thought about turning back. Just being on the team was fun. In my mind, all I wanted to do was be me. I have opened the opportunity again.
I don’t believe that tings will ever again be how they were, but I’ve got it all back. That’s all that I ever wanted. That’s what I worked so long and hard for. Everybody on the team wanted me to have fun and be myself. I couldn’t be myself with them. There were just too many of them. Then on some days, it used to get really quiet in the gym. That was brutal for me. Anyway, back to now.
Maybe I can spend the one season that I wanted with the Lady Raiders. Even if it’s only one. I wanted that chance in 07-08 to see what I was made of as an eighth grader playing freshman and J-V. I never got the chance. Now I have to wait until the 08-09 season. I guess we’ll see what I’m made of then.
East is where I want to be. I just hope that nothing ever changes that. I wouldn’t mind going back to Franklin, but I’m here, and I’m still trying to make the most out of it. I wouldn’t mind playing with Alex Hunt and Tradesha Lunsford again either. Anyway, that’s all in the past. They are my opponents now. I did what I sad I was going to do. I got back. Just like I said I would.
Now, what I’m trying to do my High School career is make history. When my High School career is over, I want every girl basketball player in High school to envy me. Every Girl I play against. I want to be talked about, and break every record because I have it like that. I want to be that girl that plays against this team, and the opponents get nervous and scared at the thought of even guarding me. I want to be the best. To be the best, I have to do what it takes and step up. I have to be all that I can be, because anything less than the best isn’t good enough for me. I want to make it to the top.
My future got a little off balance and reset sort of. it has given me another chance, and this time, I’m going to run with it. I’ll never let go. I don’t want to have the reset button pressed again. See, I lose out on time, but the moments recreate themselves. How’s it going to be? I’m back.





#35
Ladericka Amos
NO REGRETS
She works hard to be the best player she can
She hustle, play D
While she defend her man
Long arms
Eighth grader
Man this girl is no joke
Freshman team, J-V, and on the boards she score

Admired by a lot of people
got skills
Got what it takes
She got her head on right
Always bring her A-game

You better watch out
Cause this gurl’s a bad one
Blow your mind when she demolish you
And her skills, you’ll wish you had some

But you don’t
cause she a beast
Where you wishin you could be
But you not
Cause you good
but she better
Bes believe

So go home
Get some skills
Come back when you got em
Then step back on the floor, and when she shoot
Try not to watch her

Just being honest
What’s wrong?
What’s your issue
Didn’t mean ta dis you
Go practice
take the whole ball with you

Go home
Think about how you gonna beat her
She’ll score
Toss you the ball
squash your pride
then leave you with nice to meet you
You didn’t know what you was gettin yourself into
I told you she was good
You didn’t listen
You just did you
And you lost to a balla
You lost to a Lady Raider
She sent you home cryin
And labeled you a hatta

It suck don’t it?
get some skillz
Then come back and prove yourself
or let her beat you again
oops, my bad
feel betta
Yeah

#3
Keisha Ray

Now I couldn’t leave
Until I got on Keisha Ray
Dis gurl a beast
sixteen
number three
Like A. I and Candice P
ball hard everyday, Until it’s time to leave
She play hard
Got heart
Hustle from finish to start

The grace in her style
And the quickness in her feet makes her envied
Her dedication and determination got her back on the court
Because she’s not friendly

Have you jumpin on the edge of your seat
Wondering what she’s going to do next
For passion, communication, and playing smart
She passed the test

She’s A lady Raider
48 assists a season
She bad
And she’s bad for a reason
You don’t mess with Keisha, cuz
On the court
she’ll make you play for it
She’ll pay you six feet
Eight feet
Cause for respect
She’ll make you play for it

She knows better than to just let you win
Until you prove that you’re good enough to hang
Stunt like a stunna
Then you get your respect
That is...if you can win
#21
Ashley Rainey

Uk
Florida
Arkansas
What else?
Dis girl don’t play around
Score thirty points by herself
Everybody call her
Cuz they want her on they team
Got the entire U of L staff watching
Cuz on the court this girl mean
When she get the ball
You should simply just stop
And when she zoom right by you
All you can do is watch

Got all-state honors as a freshman
Eye das was sup
She eat, sleep, and breathe this game
She’ll always show up

List of recruiters tool long
number one in her region
She a G
No doubt
She the best for a reason
She’ll never let you down
If you need her
She’ll be there
Cause it’s not her to just hang back
She’s got it all
You upset cuz she scored on you

She’ll tell you good job
Because you tried
You did some good things
Still you failed
But what a pleasure right?
Sometimes in life, You have you ups, and then there are the downfalls. It’s kind of like stairs. You just never know; because they go up and down anyway. You never know with a lot of things. I know right now, it may seem like I’m not making any kind of sense, but you have to be smart right now. When I leave you, you have to remember all that I told you. You must remember not to forget the conversations that you and I have had, because they are always the most important, when it seems like they really don’t need to matter. I’m an important equation in your life, you just have to figure me out. I know that you are waiting for me to tell you, but it’s not going to be that easy. Use those brains. I know you have a little bit of sense. Common knowledge. No?
See, I mean, I spent all the time I was gone keeping my teammates memory alive. This was all that I did. I could never forget them. They made me the type of person that I am. They impacted my life in many ways. Now I have them back; and some of them for four years, or three. I have to do it better than I did last year though. Remember what happened. The Lady Raider basketball team was like my escape the first time that I was allowed to have it. I was like a kid in a candy store. Being a part of something so big was very new to me. Every girl on the team, I will hold in my heart forever. I don’t know about the ones I didn’t like, but Everyone else, yeah. Even when we all move on and go on to bigger and better things; I’ll know that we all shared that one particular thing in common. I know that I always say that basketball is all that we contained, but it’s really more than that. Basketball is a major factor of it all, but it’s also what makes us come together and do great things. The people that I get to meet throughout my life I cherish forever. I know that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world because I got to meet some of the greatest people in the world. You learn new things all the time, but some of the things that I picked up on can’t be taught. You go hard or you go home.
What do you do when you realize that all your dreams, and everything that you wished for has actually come true? What do you do with that? You take that shit, and you run with it. It’s not everyday that this happens. This is one of those moments where you take what you get. I took all I could get, and guess what...I’m gone.

It’s all over
Identity still undefined
Journey still though fulfilled
But Good-Bye still comes
Time after time
For now
Let’s see where we get
Let’s see how far this takes us
What type of ride it’s going to put us on this go around
What type of pain we’ll endure
Will we ever fall in love?
These things are complicated
But I am going to play life’s silly game again
It’s never silly when you lose
But it’s silly when you win
I don’t know
I’m done talking
Let’s see what will happen
Will I Cheat, and be left mad
Or win, and in the end, laughin
I bet you’re waiting on me to tell you that all this shit was a bad ass dream. You know, I wish that were true. This story is as real as the boogie man wasn’t. Once you realize that, well, you plan for the better half of the past. I don’t really know what that means, but I’m working on that part. I haven’t exactly figured it all out yet, but I’ll get there. Maybe things do truly get better as they go along. Maybe things just stay the same along the line though. It’s still hard for me to understand how it is that when you just know that one thing is going to happen for you, it doesn’t happen. The complete opposite of what you thought is what you will always get.
      (Extended Version)
              (Mission Aborted)

Hmm. Let me brief you on this story really quickly. After you run and run and run, it sometimes gets very old once you lose your breath and get tired. Sometimes things go better than you expect them to go. So I guess that’s what this is in my case. I never thought that by me continuously going into Ghost Mode, it would attract the attention that I so badly wanted; and causing things that I swore to be impossible, made possible.
Now that I look at it all, I had a lot of it wrong. I still had a lot of it right. We both knew that Poetry and Basketball would always be at war with each other. Track is now out of the equation. Poetry and Basketball decided to compromise with each other and be one all over again.  Wait. Wait. They never were one, now that I think of it. Poetry and Basketball came about for me when they were already at war with each other.  By doing what I did, I made them become what they became. It got extremely difficult at the end of the day when it always came down to choosing. Still what I did is I sat down and thought about which one made me the happiest. I guess that in the end, when all got said and done, I chose Basketball. I told myself that I would never make a decision like that if it had something with choosing. It has always been too much pressure for me to want to deal with, but at the end of the day, I always had to. No one wants to be put in a situation like that. It made me happy. Truth is told, I haven’t written a poem for real in like two almost three months. I’ve been so wrapped up in this basketball thing. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why I let it grab a hold so tight to me. I guess I just let it happen though. I chose to embrace it, because after all, I sat and let myself become infatuated with it. That’s why I know I’ll never be able to just be without it because I’m letting something keep attracting me to it. I’m not really mad about any of it. Letting the game of basketball sweep me off my feet was maybe one of the best things that I have ever done. Of course I have thought about turning my back on it, but I realize that I’ll never be able to do that. It’s too big a part of me to just give up on.
Basketball became a passion of mine when I was in the sixth grade and my team lost in the semi finals by two points because Bethany Mann decided to shoot this crazy three pointer when she was the only one down the floor and could have shot a lay- up. I shouted, “No!”
I know it’s hard to believe that I actually yelled, but I was pissed off about the type of shot that she took. I know I wasn’t the Coach or anything, but I would have made her run all practice for that. I was trying to win, not lose. Even though that’s what it came down to at the end of the game. My eyes were red with fiery. I covered my face with my jacket because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. Tradesha Lunsford, a friend of mine however had. She told me, “Its okay, I cried when we lost too.”
Tradesha was her whole team, so if I were she I would have cried too. Sorry, but honestly, that’s the only person that ever scored unless her teammates just got lucky and mistakenly put the ball in that cute little thing that hangs from the red rim. She was the best player her team had, and that’s real. I never actually said much out loud about what Bethany did, but it was partially her fault that we lost in the first place. I soon got over it though. I couldn’t be mad about that forever. I could only think of ways not to let that happen ever again. I hate to lose, so a lot of people know how that feels especially if they are like me. That game is when I developed that type of fire, that desire, passion, and energy that I needed for the game of basketball. That game is how the, “I hate to lose thing” all started.
From this journey, I believe that you should never take anything for granted. Even though that’s not what I did, I realize that I didn’t value what I did have enough. Still what I don’t understand is how do you forget about trying to fit in somewhere that you just don’t belong? No matter how many ways you try and distort yourself, you still don’t ever fit in. How do you just be yourself and only worry about your happiness? I personally don’t believe that it can be done. I have always let my worries and insecurities get the best of me. That’s how I ended up writing a part two to this story. Maybe it’s time for me to put an end to that. Maybe it’s time for me to be somebody else. I still can’t help but wonder what people will think of me. I don’t know why I even care about other people’s opinions, but I must almost be back to normal because I’m talking about normal things again. For me it doesn’t really matter how many people that I’m surrounded by. That’s when I feel more alone than ever. Yes, I know that people are there, but I just close them out of my world, and my head. I don’t know why I am this way. I just am how I am. I don’t take chances that won’t benefit me, and I don’t take risks that I think are too big for me to even handle. I make sure that I keep to myself. I hurt only me by shutting others out. I know there is nothing wrong with keeping to yourself, but what about those who don’t want to do that. I don’t want to keep to myself, but I feel like it’s the only way to protect myself from whatever it is that I am running from. Rejection probably. When I learn not to care, and just be myself with everybody, maybe then I will be free. When I’ll be free, I don’t really know. When I learn how to be my own person inside and out, I’ll be getting somewhere. For now, I guess I’m secretly trying to fit into crowds that I am most likely better than. I hope that’s not an understatement. Your teenage years are the best years of your life. They’re supposed to be the years that you should be having fun and living life to its fullest potential. Why do I feel that in some way I’m wasting time? I may miss out on feelings that I am supposed to feel. I may miss out on pain that is supposed to hurt, but I’m closing myself out from any and everything that I feel has any potential power over me. I feel like a fool. Maybe I should feel like a fool because if you sit and think about some of the things that I say, you’d be like what! Huh? Are you insane? It’s okay if you agree with me. Sometimes I even feel like that. Some stuff I say don’t even make a whole lot of sense to me. It should make a little bit of sense; so then why don’t it? I’m supposed to be having fun, but I’m not allowing myself to be the same person I am at home, everywhere else. Why can’t I do that? Why is that the question I end up asking myself over and over and again? Oh, wow. It’s time for me to start all over again. It’s like running four laps around a 400-meter track, and then Coach telling you that you weren’t supposed to start yet. Then you have to run those four laps all over again when the Coach yells go. You see how it works? Well, that’s what this is basically. I went off for three months then finally decided to come back. What I’m worried about though is that spring break is over.
Right now I’m sitting in my dad’s car, in front of Bristow Elementary School. Right now, people in the office are probably grinning ear to ear. “Oh my god, you boys came back!” I know it’s got to be something like that because it shouldn’t be taking this long. I guess that I can wait though. What other choice is there? My biggest fear, now, that I’m back in Kentucky is probably the way that people viewed me may be a little different. People may not look at me the same, even if they say that they are glad to see me. In some way, the person that I was the last time I was in Kentucky is erased in some ways. Yeah, I’m still the girl that played High School basketball, and wrote poetry. On top of that I won people over with my beaming personality. Ok whatever; the last one was a lie. The personality thing is a load of shit. What personality? I’ll never become completely unshy enough for people to actually see it. No one ever really got to know me. I guess I liked things better that way. This time, I hope that I can do this different. I want friends, and I want to have fun. Now that I’ve patched things together because of this Ghost Girl that I created, I should be able to do it now, right? The life I created and the life I forgot about are becoming one. Now, I have what I was so badly missing in my life. I never thought that I would ever see the two in sync with each other ever again, but things happen. I have witnessed it.
By April 6 every loose end shall be tightened. Everything lost shall be obtained again. All accept the time that got missed because of everything else. I don't know why it is that time always has something to do with what happens to a person?
I guess that Monday November 19, when Matthew Cooke asked me if I liked Alabama or Kentucky better, and I answered, “ I don’t know” and from sitting where I am sitting, I guess I found the answer that was locked in the back of my mind for the longest amount of time ever. Before long, I guess Kentucky won the war. I’m not upset by it. My heart helped me decide where we both wanted to be, and I followed. It asked me to put all my trust in it; so I did.
I just got home from Warren East. It doesn’t look like I’m going to get to go today. Out of me and my two brothers, I’m always the one that can never get in firsthand. Am I like cursed or something? Time must be out to get me? Why? What did I do? I guess I cheated the destiny that it had planned for me. Why is it that I’m the one that always gets caught? What evidence am I leaving behind that’s exposing my where-a-bouts? Hopefully I will find out pretty soon. My dad said that he would enroll me in school tomorrow. Everybody was at a funeral, so that’s why I couldn’t get in. I really and truly wanted to go to school today, but I can’t help but wait. After maybe a week of being back, things will go back to normal. I will feel the same way that I always felt about it. It was just something there that I had to participate in. I should be viewing the whole thing differently now that I already lost it all one time. Maybe that’s how I’ll do things. Just pick up where I left off, but if I do that I’ll feel the same way that I felt before. If I make an attempt to pick up where I left off then that’s just amazing. I had no idea that you could do that. I guess what I meant is that things are never the same again once you give them time to change and mature. Picking up where you left off just depends on how bad you leave things. The way I left was a huge mess. It was too big of a mess to clean up if you ask my opinion. I’m making progress though. Really.
My first day of school should have been today, but I don’t mind waiting. Tomorrow will be the day. It should go by quickly. Even though I’m not actually new, I should get some type of leniency. I’m new enough, even if it’s only by a little. I’m about to go lie down and take me a nap. When I wake up my brothers should be home. So you see how long I plan to sleep. That’s a long time from now. I have nothing better to do anyway, so I guess sleep is what it is now. I hope you understand what I said by the choice of words that I decided to use.
Oh great, I’m awake, and my brothers aren’t here. I was awakened by a commotion. Like a confrontation. This sounds like a testimony doesn’t it? Anyway, it couldn’t have been good, I knew. My dad was already mad about what I had told him a little bit earlier. I knew that his girlfriend Paula wouldn’t be around too long. Besides, she wasn’t at all his type anyway. He wasn’t interested in her looks, knowledge, smarts, not shit like that. She had money, he was set out to get it. that’s all that was. See it always seems as if I am a hard sleeper, but even though I am asleep, I hear everything that I feel is worth hearing. How do you do that, and be asleep at the same time? Now that’s funny. So I always hear what no one thinks that I heard. Anyway, so as I was saying. I knew that it was the end of them. Plus, I already knew that he and my mom were getting back together, so Mrs. P had to bounce, and I didn’t care how she did it. I’m awake because my dad yelled and told me to get up. I guess I was his witness if something were to happen. I was sleeping so well, and he ruined it. Well, I was half sleeping really well. They’re sort of the same. To make this story simple, you know they split. It was never going to last. So there you have it. I was glad about that, but I wasn’t the only one.
I realize that I was right about something that I said a few months ago. Remember when I said it’s not real until you’re the one packing up and leaving? You’re completely in denial until you get the gist of the entire thing. I’m telling you this because I just came from Mobile Alabama to get my mom and my older sister. It didn’t hit her until about 2:00 in the morning. I understood where she was coming from. I was about to begin by saying that I was the exact same way, but that would be a lie because I wasn’t. By now, I was used to change. She had never done it before. There was nothing that I could say. It was just best that I let her cry. I feel like I hurt her so badly. She didn’t have to tell me. Her tears did that for her. Maybe she would get used to it, and then maybe she wouldn’t. I guess it all just depends on whether she wants to let go or not. I’m glad that there are two of us again, and we aren’t miles away from each other. I love my sister so much. So with time, if she doesn’t grow to like Kentucky she’s going to leave, and I’ll understand. I can’t make her stay. There are just some things that can’t be gotten used to. I guess that this is just one of those things for her. She had everything that I believe she ever wanted in Mobile Alabama; and now it has been taken away. I guess that even though we went through something sort of the same, I had no choice but to adjust to the life  the one I forgot about gave me when it let me go. Sometimes I feel like I’m the cause of her unhappiness. If she heard me say that, she’d probably call me crazy. She can’t admit that I had something to do with it, or maybe she just doesn’t want to think about any of it. Sometimes she’s okay, and other times I just don’t know. One moment when I think things are getting better they’re not, because there is always an image painted in your head about the way that things used to be, and just as soon as you feel like you’re getting somewhere, you’re not; and that’s because the plan will never be to let go, especially if you aren’t ready.  It’s just something that has to take on its own.  If it does it does, if it doesn’t, then you have to deal.  Life is what you make it. So you either taken what you get, which is ungratefully not much at all, or you can make it that life that you let yourself grow to adore. If you think about it, it becomes really simple, and if you think about it too much, it gets difficult all over again. My sister and I have created a bond so grand since we met back up in November.  We have never in our lives been as close as we are now.  I guess that we grew up and realized that we are sisters, and that sisters are better than that.  We had to grow up some time. We couldn’t be rivals forever. So we came together and got over our differences. It is perhaps the best thing we  eva did. She doesn’t want to be here, and I understand. She wants what she wants, just like I did. So it would honestly be wrong for me to try and blame her. I did not want to sit in the car and go all the way to Mobile, and then back to Kentucky without any time to just chill. That is a six-hour drive to and then back.  So all together I was in the car for… Too many long boring hours. Can you sit in the car for more than an hour? You can! Well, that’s good for you I guess. I was so bored. I thought that we would never get there. If we didn’t get there soon, I would have killed myself. I thought sitting in the car on the way there was bad. I forgot that we had to come all the way back. If that drive wasn’t long, then I don’t know what long is anymore. What topped everything off is that the ride was so uncomfortable. I had to sit a certain way because my legs were too long. My brother helped me make it work for about two hours. There were blue trash bags in the car. It was just great. In case you didn’t know, that was some major sarcasm. I was miserable. All that could be done was to sleep and wake up; and when you awoke, go back to sleep and do the whole thing all over again. Yeah, today has gone by longer than any day in the history of long days ever. So because it’s finally ending, it’s a big relief. All that’s left to do is tell you that I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I’m super tired, and I really don’t want to talk anymore. I just want to be comfortable and go lie down somewhere. So I have to hang up this conversation and talk to you later. Have a nice rest of the day. I know that I will. You can count on it.

What you’re given
Is what you get
Unless you have that type of strength to go ahead and change it
What you take
Is the fate you receive?
What you don’t
Get’s up and leaves
What you do equals the dream you find
But what you don’t will have you at the end of the line
And once your turn comes up
You ask for your dream
But they’ve all been taken
And there blows everything
Because you’ve wasted time
Your ending came early
Because for it
You weren’t worthy; so it doesn’t let you deserve it
Well, well. My first day of school was today. Let me tell you, I have never let so many people hug me in my life. It was all really quite weird if you ask me. The weirdness of it all quickly passed. I realized that I missed it all so much, and I never wanted to lose it again. Never again. It was all quickly coming into being. It all slowly came back together. The pieces attached themselves and came back in tact quite gracefully. I honestly couldn’t ask for a better welcome.  I wonder where Ladericka is. She is going to pass out when she sees me. I told her a long time ago that I was coming back, but I don’t think that she believed me. Maybe she thought I was just trying to keep hope alive, but I kept my word like I said I would. I’m here. I wonder where she’s at. I’ll bump into her some time today though, so I’m not worried.
I got Mrs.Carini again. Damnit! How is it that I always get stuck in her class? She’s still short. If I don’t look at her really close, I’d swear she’s supposed to be in class somewhere. I got Mrs. Milan too. I don’t want to be in her class, but they gave me the schedule I would have had if I hadn’t have left. I’m still on the same team. I just don’t want the related arts teachers I got stuck with. I want something new. I’m sick of the same old thing. I want to try something else for a change. What’s the point of coming back to the same old thing?  Why can’t at least one thing change? Change is good so I have heard. I also heard that everybody doesn’t like change. Let me get off this subject before I get angry, which is really probably unnecessary. It sounds pointless if you think about it. What is pointless? In dummy terms, it’s just something that doesn’t really make sense. Other than the related arts classes, everything was fine today. Sitting in class listening to the teacher talk still bores me to death. So, it’s good to know that I’m still me. Except the fact that three, almost four months of my absence, my hair grew longer, I got a few inches taller, and I talk just a pinch more than I used to. A pinch is a lot for me. I told you I’m still me. I still just don’t think that you believe that. Why don’t really matter. I don’t really care about that part very much anymore. It doesn’t make much sense to me to care; so that’s why I don’t. First days are to make your best impressions on people, but well, it was my first day back, so people had their own version of what they wanted to see; and probably what they didn’t too. Still, I’m Shaunice Green. I’m the baddest basketball player of 07-08 since the day that I walked into Warren East. It’s out of the girls anyway. That’s how people know me. Basketball is the name that got made for me. Did you hear that? For Me.
As you can tell now, days at school have passed and things aren’t really different. School will be school, so I think you know how that is. Everybody is glad that I’m back. Gosh, it’s like I’m a celebrity or something, what’s so special about me? I can’t believe that even though I was the quietest person in the school, people still thought about me and worried about me. I guess I played a nice roll in people’s lives. They actually looked up to me. I was envied, so I can’t really believe that I even cut it loose for the amount of time that I did. You know, I realized something today. High School is not going to be as easy as I thought. Ninth grade through twelfth grade may be the most difficult years of my High School career. I just figured this out today. Why I thought that High School would be easy? I don’t now why. That was just some sort of wishful thinking. It just had to be. I guess I’m bringing this about because I went over to WEHS in 2nd period. I guess it was like a tour or whatever. The counselor and some other teacher was telling us about programs at the school. This lady stood up and started speaking in French. Ooh, ooh, let me guess, she was the French teacher.  Ding, ding, and correct again. After she got done, everybody looked at her, then we looked at each other with a “what did she just say look on our face.”
It got awkward because no one said a thing when she got done. She caught on to that quickly too. It was funny after she started to speak again. She said it was just like kindergarten all over again. She hit the nail on the head. It was very interesting. Listening to them talk about the classes is how I realized High School may be the worst four years of my life. The tour ended very quickly. I didn’t care though. It’s not like half of us didn’t know what the school looked like anyway. Guess who I saw when I walked into the auditorium. I saw Sarah coulter. I remember telling you about her. She was one of the girls I played against during that scrimmage when I first met Ashley Rainey. Sarah and I have never been really cool; we just practiced on the same team. From afar, I got the impression that Sarah was a really cool person. That’s because she really is a cool person, even though I never said much to her, and she never said much to me. I just walked past her. I didn’t say a thing to her, because she never said anything to me. Maybe she thought I looked like me, but I wasn’t me. Whatever right? She knew who I was, but that doesn’t mean she had to give a damn. We both never said more than two words to each other. She’s graduating this year, so at least I got to watch an amazing senior play. She is really great. Anyway, that was second period. I should be leaving lunch in a few short moments. I forgot to mention, I found out what I’m going to be doing this summer. I’m going to Florida. It’s some basketball camp thing. It should be fun. This camp can make me, or break me. By make me, I mean into the person that I’m trying to force out of me. By break me, I mean I may get mad and decide to give up. Plus, I already know that I’m not going to say a word. Seeing each other everyday, I know that I’ll talk sooner or later. I guess when June comes I’ll find out. When I saw Coach T yesterday and she told me about it, I had the idea in my mind that it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to even go. I quickly got that thought out of my head. It should do me some good by going. I know that because I’m quiet, and I won’t let people know me, I’m the one suffering.  I saw my homie Ladericka today. She smiled. “You’re back finally.”
I smiled in the back of my mind saying, “I told you I was coming back, what you didn’t believe me?”
So yeah, I was glad to be back. Everything is coming together. It’s not really how I planned it. I guess that’s because it was better. I’m back where I feel like I belong for now. It don’t get no better than this. It just doesn’t. Not with the Lady Raiders back at my side. Today is the typical Friday that I remember. I guess that things are back to normal. Even if I have only been back at school only three days out of this week. Remember when I told you that I never let myself get attached, or let someone grab a hold so tight to me that I won’t let go? Remember? Well, I guess that I just caught myself in a lie so big that it’s ridiculous. I just realized I lied. You want to know what I let grab a hold so tight to me. The Lady Raiders. It’s not like I was an important enough person on the team, I just loved being a part of something more than me. It was more about everybody than just one person. They are one of the major reasons I even considered coming back. Basketball made me a part of a team. I loved that. I let my guard down and simply refused to just let my hearts investment come to a dead stop. I had to keep the pathway going. I couldn’t just let it stop. I guess that as I built the road over the years, I sort of got tired and stopped for a few months, and after three, I started back building.
In the past, I said that you can never pick up where you stopped. That is sort of what I have done, but in ways it is different; because I had no idea that it could be done. I’ve slowly proved myself wrong, and that’s what I’m going to continue making an effort to accomplish. You can let yourself fall as long as you pick yourself up off the ground. You can let yourself be broken, as long as you know you can put the pieces back together and in their place. That’s all it really takes is that little extra something to pick you up whenever you fall or break into pieces.
My mom and sister have been here for two days already. My mom is okay, but my sister is homesick. I don’t think that she’ll ever get over this one. I can see that much in her eyes. There is a look so off in them that causes you to feel her pain. When she says she’s okay, it’s really difficult to believe. No matter how convincing her smile is, it’s not too believable. If only there was a way to ease her pain. I don’t even know why I said that, because I know how to ease her pain. It’s nothing that I can do, but something I should have done. I had a hand in causing her happiness to fade away, and I’m sorry about that. I just hadn’t prepared for the part where she and my mother came too. If I would have known what leaving would have done, I would have rethought the entire thing. I knew that they were going to be hurt, but I knew that pain and heart ache could be gotten over, now, she had to deal with it everyday because I took her away from what made her happy. I took her away from what made her complete. She misses the life of which she used to obtain. I don’t blame her; but did she have to lose the life that she loved for the life that I loved? That’s not what I wanted. I knew how much she loved it. She’s away from all her friends and everything. It breaks my heart when she talks to our niece Aaliyah on the phone and she says she wants my sister to come and get her, but she can’t; and it’s my fault. I know it breaks her heart too. I can tell.
Oh wow, would you look at what day it is? Things got so hectic. I guess, and I just couldn’t talk to you. I’m really sorry about that. Oh my god! Guess who I just saw not even an hour ago? I saw Keisha. Oh, great right? Ah, no……. When I saw her I sort of laughed out loud because, I guess I found something pretty humorous. I don’t know exactly what, but I don’t care. We can’t be friends anymore as it is. When she finally saw me, I smiled and waved. Hey, I can at least be polite right? Anyway, like I said, Keisha and I can’t be friends anymore. Too much has happened for us to go back to the moment we left off. The day I walked out of school. It just doesn’t happen. I’ve never did anything like what I did November 19 2007, before. Keisha cane into my life and completely contorted it. I mean that as innocent as innocent can get. It’s a shame though, because Keisha and I became very cool, but her mama got some issues that need to be adjusted. At least I don’t have to lie anymore though. Keisha isn’t my cousin. Hell Nah. That was just something that we led people to believe. I know you are probably wondering why Keisha wait (LaKeisha) and I can’t be friends and it’s only because of her mama. Well, her mom isn’t the only one with serious issues. It’s kind of cold to say that about someone you were once cool with, but it isn’t my fault. Not exactly.  I knew that this would happen eventually, so……… It was only about a matter of time. I should have known, but I don’t know, you know. All I know is that Keisha and I can’t be friends anymore, but how do I tell her that? It was so easy……..Being Keisha’s friend. It was just so difficult to try and ignore her, because she makes herself seen. It’s hard not to know that she’s there. Except the time that we fell out, she has always been my dawg. I didn’t know it would be so difficult to look away from it. I guess I didn’t realize that. You don’t know what difficult is until you face it I guess. I have faced difficult things many times. This appears to be just another thing. It’s not really even difficult. I just need to go ahead and take care of this. I don’t know when, but I really better do it quickly. Right now, I’m just wasting time. I could be doing something else. Sometimes things just have to happen right? You can’t keep everything that you get. I guess time has to keep them balanced so that things can stay in order. I’m not upset with time because of this. Actually, I understand more than I thought. Everything happens for a reason, and with time those reasons begin to make sense. Friends come, and friends go, but other things last way longer. Other things are more important sometimes. The other things are not always really present. They just appear when they decide they are good and ready. Sometimes there is an expensive price to pay for the things that you want. Sometimes you can discard things like they never even existed. It’s crazy, but that’s the way things work most of the time.
I realized something today that I never noticed before. Ladericka and I were only friends during the basketball season. We had fun, and we laughed a lot. Ladericka was so Gutta to me. I can’t say was because that would mean that she’s not anymore. It’s feye though. I’m not really trippin of it. She’s got her friends, and I have my selective few. Basketball season was fun, so I heard. I wouldn’t really know. I only played in one basketball scrimmage. That really broke my heart because I left a week before my first real game. I missed it. I don’t know; it got kind of obvious. I know she doesn’t really mean anything by it, and I‘m str8. She’ll always be my top-notch dawg. Let’s see, what else changed. Nothing I can really think of. Everything is the same as it was. Why would it even be different?
You want to know what I was just thinking. Yeah, I bet you do. Well, what if I play on the lady Raider Freshman team, and maybe Junior Varsity or whatever, and disappear on the anniversary of the day that I left the state? Everybody would be like, “Well.”
They’d have a point to, because it would be like déjà vu all over again. I know somebody on the team does. I’ll say I’ll be there, and just one person…..won’t….believe it. The thought will linger into everyone else’s mind too, but not as much as one will. I can picture it now.
“So Shaunice tomorrow is the day of the anniversary of the day that you left. Does that mean that you’ll be gone tomorrow?”
I’ll probably laugh and say no; because I’m not leaving anymore, and can only wait to make them grill their words up and eat them. It’s actually kind of amusing to prove people wrong; but if I was them, I would probably think it too. Just for the simple fact that it had been done before, and to do it again…. I really wouldn’t put it past me. It’s crazy when you think something like that about yourself, but at least I have the guts to admit it.
I actually know for a fact though, that I’m not going anywhere anytime soon because everything that I ever wanted is right here. Sometimes there is just something in your heart that won’t let you go, but there is always something. Even though some people won’t say it, nothing will ever be the same between us because of the way that I left. I know you’re wondering if they actually said that, but that’s the thing, they don’t have to. They say it in so many words. They know a little something about my aura now, giving them a little power to judge, or just a pinch of power to criticize. I know a lot of people aren’t like that, but if I walked up and asked, there’d be something. Even if it’s not that much. In the back of their minds I know that they will always wonder……. They always will. Maybe the part that hurts the most or the part that makes everything feel as different as it feels. No one will forget the story about the day that Shaunice Green disappeared. Now that I’m back, I still get questions about it. It doesn’t bother me any though. I owe no one an explanation though, because it really wasn’t their place. It is still nice to know that I was missed though, but I always knew that I would be back here. I always knew that this is where I wanted to be. So what do you do when you realize that you have everything that you ever wanted? How do you handle something like that? When deep inside, you never knew that things would go better than you planned them. The things that I thought were impossible, I made possible. I didn’t know that because of what I did, things were going to go like this. I didn’t know that the only thing I ever wanted since I was eight had the slightest chance of even happening again. It’s actually kind of cute to see my mom and dad hold hands. I have never seen my dad smile or laugh so much in his entire life. He was always just content, and just blah… I don’t even know how to explain the way that he was before. I only know that since me and my brothers got here, and after my mom and sister came later, he’s like the happiest person I have ever seen, you know, I can honestly say, that he’s not all bad anymore. He’s a little bit easier to communicate with on a social level. He even played basketball with me outside one day. Even though he made it into a little competition between he and I, he still got demolished, so whatever. Everytime you turned around, he was on the concrete. That sounds like where I wanted him to be, because I was the one doing all the knocking down. Sober or not, he still wasn’t on my level. I’ve got it like that. It was iite. My world was iite for a moment. The feeling was foreign to me, because I had never felt a feeling like that with him before. My mom was like bragging because she scored some threes on me, but whatever man, I wasn’t even guarding her. Now her game and mine one on one was really fun. She’s never done anything like that with me before. So just to see her out there, was very interesting. It really meant a lot. It was definitely a moment to remember and not one to forget.


When everything you’ve ever known
Comes back
The things you loved the most
When all the things you thought came to an end
Someone came knocking at your door
A long lost friend
It causes you to fall to its knees
And the past
For the first time decides to go ahead and leave

Are you ever like happy, but you’re not happy? Like something is missing, and you just don’t know what? Between me and you, I don’t think my mom was ready for this. She’s a good actor at pretending, but she sort of slipped a little one day. Now my information may not be completely as accurate as I lead you to believe; but something just seems wrong. I can look in her eyes and see something secretly hidden. I just hope I didn’t do anything to rush her into something that she wasn’t ready for. It all happened so quickly that doors I think were accidentally left open or unlocked. Whichever one you want to say that it was. Some secrets lay hidden behind her eyes, or some old feelings that haven’t completely ceased. Like I said though, I could be wrong. Maybe it’s all-just in my head, but I know for a fact that something lay there, behind the smiles that are unreal sometimes. Something.
I guess I should just honestly squash it though, because it’s not like I’ll actually find out. I’m aborting my mission to be a ghost for a third time because there is no need for it anymore. As you can see, I’m no longer a ghost from my disappearing acts past. The crowd simply applauded, because this time I reappeared like the trick said that I would. Nothing went wrong. My trick made history. Things were more perfect than ever. I didn’t know that there was such a thing. Now I’m sitting here wondering why I’m still sitting here. I don’t know. It’s like finally all over, and all I can do is sit here and keep going on and on about things that are almost not important to me anymore. Why am I still talking to you? I could be doing something else with the time that I got given. I guess now it’s time for me to tell you who I am. In the beginning I had to be anonymous. Well, here goes the moment of truth. Remember how when I said the time would come and everything would finally make sense. Well, your full name is Shaunice……Green right? Well, that’s my name too. I have to elaborate because I still don’t think that you get it. You’re probably like so what if we have the same name. It’s actually bigger than that. Our bond holds bricks together. My story sounds familiar now doesn’t it? That’s because I am you silly. I’m just you at fourteen years old. That sounds about insane, almost impossible doesn’t it?
Well, I’ve been writing to you for a few months because I just felt like you should know this. As you grow, so will I, but you shall experience everything that I have talked about. Maybe it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense right now, but as you grow……. You’ll know. Let me brief you really quick before I put my pen down and say my final good bye to you. Everything I ever wanted, I have. So I’m happy. I’m at peace I think. It no longer matters that I walked away. All that matters is that I got my life back. I don’t know how the thing with the Lady Raiders is going to go. Now, about that, I’m just at a total loss for words. That’s my team, but I know how it’s going to turn out. Maybe I will grow not to be so intimidated by Ashley and Lauren. I should realize that as an eighth grader the High School Coaches chose me to play for freshman and J-V. Maybe I’ll begin to talk some. Maybe it’ll be loud enough to even be heard. That’s the problem. I don’t let people hear me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get up enough courage to do what I’m trying to do. I just have to keep going forward and see how everything turns out.
I’m just tired of letting my worries and insecurities get the best of me. I want to have fun. So what I’m about to do, I had to think really hard about. I’m really about to let go. I don’t know if Ladericka and I will always be friends outside of basketball anymore. It doesn’t matter though. I don’t care anymore. I want you to be careful, and I want you to take care of yourself. Whenever you meet Brian, tell me what you thought of him. I got my happy ending, so go ahead and go for yours. Thank you for safely returning my life back to me. You’re very welcome for yours. Maybe you can go on and be happy now, I know you will. Whatever I lose, I guess I just lost, and I don’t care anymore. I’m not thinking about the past. Whatever is here is here, none of that other stuff matters anymore. I don’t know why it did maybe it was supposed to, but whatever. I hate to say this, but I know for a fact that basketball will always be the sport that I play, but it will never be what’s in my heart. Yes, I love to play the game of basketball. I love it. I’m just not in love with it. I’m going to always enjoy it, because it’s what I do. Something else is in my heart that I know I should be doing, still I may never because Ya gurl is a coward at heart. I don’t understand why, but I am. I’ll never feel the way about basketball that it feels about me. Basketball and I have been infatuated with eachother since the day that we met. The attraction just never went away. There is something forbidding me to let it go. I won’t let it go. It doesn’t mean that it’s somewhere profoundly in my heart. It’s just the sport that I play. It is in love with me, I love it too, but just not the way that I should. Right now, I guess as time passes, we’ll see how it goes. ; But I know that somewhere out there someone will always want it more than me. Does that mean that I don’t deserve it? Does that mean we should have never met in the first place? I hope not. I got introduced to it through somebody that I knew when I was eight years old. After that, it has just always been around. So until the time comes, and time tells me let it go, I’ll be playing ball. Maybe it’ll never say let it go, and if it doesn’t, I guess that’s just fine. Sometimes basketball was just a game to me. Other times it was much more. We may go on and off like confused lovers caught in between curiosity. I know though that when I’m with it and it’s with me, no one can come in between us. It gives me some type of power, or some type of edge. Something I can’t explain. It’s almost like its some type of drug that releases unwanted pain. Whatever it is, I like it, but not enough to be in love. Why should I have to give it up? I owe it that much to play. I guess that basketball is something that I’m flirting with. For now it’s like that thing that is just fun. Just because it’s not what is in my heart doesn’t mean that it wasn’t enough. Basketball and I were forced to be acquainted with eachother. So after long I didn’t even know about it, until I didn’t have any other choice but to play. I can say though that because of it, I met people that would change my life forever. I met people that turned my world upside down. That’s some love. The things that it did for me I can never just look beyond. It did what it did for me, and drew us in much closer. I know that it may never understand, but everything isn’t meant to be understood. Maybe one day we can fall in love. When I was down it brought me joy, when I was up it sometimes brought me down. We have this on and off thing going on. It’s not that I’m so attached to it; but I guess we’ll always have that certain infatuation with eachother. Maybe it’s because I have always expected to play. I just hope we never fall out. I have mad love for it and that’s all that I can give.
I know that I promised you that we would always be friends, so since you know that you are a part of me, we will. I’m just done talking though. Maybe one day I’ll hit you back, and tell you the answers to all the questions I left blank. I shouldn’t have to do that, just think, you’ll know them in a few more years. Can you wait that long though? I don’t know if I’ll ever be friends with the people that I want. I guess we will see. Everybody says I don’t talk; so is that what the mouth was created for? Anyway, I’m letting you go on with the life I gave you, vice versa, me with the life that you returned. Don’t waste time like I did. Live in the moments, and please have fun. I won’t be talking to you anytime soon to be completely honest. No time in the near future. Just make sure that you keep in touch with me. Don’t forget. So how does it feel knowing that the older you were just schooling you a little bit all along? You would have never guessed, would you? I know. Bye now. My journey has ended. Everything I ever wanted, you gave back to me. Thank you for that. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. One Last thing. Well, as you know, I go to Warren East High School because of the shit I pulled in Mobile, Alabama to get back here right? Ya kno, in da beginning, coming back, all I asked for was one season; and I’ll be damned...in the end that’s all I got. I never thought that it would be just one; but that’s all I said I wanted. One Season. I really wasn’t that serious. Warren East is where my heart is. So I can’t believe this happened. That’s all I’m getting, because after the Freshman District Tournament, I’m going to the school with the worst girls’ basketball team in Warren County.  Warren Central. Now that is some bullshit. Fuck! I shoulda been careful what I wished for, because this time I got it all, and then some I didn’t want. I really wasn’t prepared for all the consequences. I didn’t know that there would be any. I sort of hate myself for it; because I know that at Central, I’ll be worse than what I was at Warren East. I built me a rep a East. Central is nobody. I wished it though. I stuck my foot in my mouth. I’ll be damned. Now I have to make this last week at school the most I can make out of it. My mom told me to have fun, I will do just that. Because when it’s ova, all I’m gon’t have is what I take with me and remember. That’s just the way it is.  I don’t know if I can be mad, because I heard the words come str8 out of my own mouth. All I did, and everything that I worked for, it’s all gone. Umma still have to do me. I guess I better have the most fun that I can this last week of school, because all you get is what you remember and take with you. Ashley Rainey, Keisha Ray; they were the seniors. It’s dey last year. Those were the girls I looked up to. I can’t believe they graduatin. Dey was my dawgs. One day you turn around, and everything you let yourself love is gone. It happened to me. It always happens to me. I thought east would be me for 4 years, I guess I was wrong, cuz it’s gone, and Damnit kill me. I’m a LADY DRAGON. Neva thought I’d hear dat shit cum out my mouf. That’s it. Let’s see how this Central thing turns out. I mean I did score eighteen points the night we played Central. So......... It has been fun. I will cherish every moment that I spent. I still can’t believe I told Coach Anderson I was moving, and all she said was," He's a good coach.” That hurt my hurt, cuz dat was one of da last things she said to me. Not even good bye. That was it.
Good bye Shaunice of 2005. Good bye forever. Go on and don’t look back. It’s okay to remember. Just don’t press pause on your life for me. Go on, because I’m going. I’m on a roll. So you just do you, because umma do me.
I would have never thought that anything beyond my wildest dreams would ever come true again. I guess that maybe life or God played their part in proving me wrong. They said that everything happens for a reason. Now, I believe it. I thought that it was the end of the world when I lost everything, but it was the beginning of my happiness at its best. I can look back, and I could laugh at a lot of things and at myself too. I realize the type of girl I was. I saw me and realized what I was wasting. I couldn’t waste time anymore.
Now comes the time for me to take risks. I know I said it all before, but this time I have never been more serious in my life. No more nice girl. That sounds like a lie doesn’t it? I’m going to stop that lie from falling into effect. I’m not going to let what I’ve allowed so many years to happen anymore. I’ll never forget about all the things I went through, and all the things that I over came, because I really have no regrets this time. I never thought that I would ever get this back. It feels amazing to be standing here with it. Now what happens? I guess I just have to treat it more different than I did. I guess I thought that it would never go away. Could that be the reason that it left? I treated it like it was just something there, so was it my fault that I lost it for the time that I did. There are a lot of things I hope to accomplish now that things are different. I just hope that there is nothing else to stand in my way now. I still forgot one though. Fear. Fear is all that’s in the way now. That’s the last thing tying me to something that I’m trying to let go of now. Fear is blocking the song that is in my heart, although the lyrics still flow. All my heart asks of me is to try my best to just give in. If I give it my all, and all not be good enough, then I didn’t fall. I only fell for a quick second then stood back up on my feet. You know that song by One Republic called “too late to apologize?” I can really relate to that. Listen; it’s too late to turn back time. It’s too late. It’s too late to say good bye, because it’s gone. All that can ever be done is to move, on, and forget about back then.
Memories are nice to have, so I’ll always remember. I’ll never forget. Besides, my past is too hard to forget. Not even mentioning Taylor and what she did to me. She left and never said good bye. I let myself become too attached to her, and her family. They looked out for me, and then one day they were just gone. The good bye thing repeatedly happened and happened because I kept saying good bye for her. The good bye that she forgot to say. Taylor was my bestfriend. I know I may never see her again, but if she reads this, I want her to know that I’m not mad at her anymore. I’m at peace. I’ll always have mad love for her and her family though. Eventhough they just dipped like that. Sometimes things are never planned, and by now, I should know that; so I guess that I understand. Her fate came too early. My pain came too quickly, because deep inside I knew that I could never just let them go. I knew that they would always be a part of my life. Now they are a part of my past. We had loads of fun, but I was always just a little bit too quiet. Life could have taken whatever else it had wanted from me then, just not them. It took them because it knew that would hurt me the most. I just want them all to know that I’m glad they were in my life. There isn’t a time or a single moment that I’m not thinking of them. Wherever they are, I just want them to know that I’m happy, and that I’m on top of my game the way they would have wanted me to be. I know they are all probably proud of that. If only they could see me now. If only… you see how the words linger? I hope that they have a good rest of their lives even if we never cross paths again. Maybe we will accidentally bump into eachother or something though, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking. I seem to do that a lot.
There is nothing wrong with having hope though, is there? Anyway, I just hope that all goes well for them.
I guess I wrote this story to close a lot of doors that I left open in my life. As I print each word on this paper, and I let myself let go, the doors begin to slowly close. Though there is one door that won’t close for me no matter how hard I try, I’m working on it. I really am. The only way for me to truly do that is to grill it up, eat it, and swallow it down to the pit of my aching heart. It’s almost like I was just looking in the mirror talking to my reflection. That’s basically true. I just put it into a different scenario. I would say perspective, but it was just me talking to my very own self. I didn’t know how to word it that way. I guess we just simply call it whatever it appears to be to people. Was it obvious that it was me all along? You just live in 05, and I live in 08. Well, 09 now. That’s it. You enjoy your life, and I’ll enjoy mine. Everything worked out for the best. I got what I wanted, and so did you. So good bye again for real this time. Have a nice life 05. My next mission has been…… aborted. I pressed pause on your life for three years, I’m really sorry about that.









I guess I thought I would make an extended version to Ghost No more as I was sitting in class one day. It struck me that I’m still leaving gaps between important parts of my past that I forgot to tell you. Or maybe there are just a few more things I want you to know. As I already told you, my third mission has been aborted. I guess that it only took two to get the point across. Anyway, we’re in the middle of testing. There are only three more days to go, and then we’re done. I can’t believe I had to take it. I haven’t even been here. I had to anyway though whether I liked it or not.
Finals are coming up too actually. I’m not about to fail them, so I’m going to let my teachers know. When I was gone I had a different Social Studies book, a different science book, and a different math book. Plus I was taking Pre Algebra. How am I supposed to pass finals? Use my common sense? You know what, come to think about it do you think that could work? I don’t have that much common sense. Or do I? I’m not failing finals on the account that I was gone. I have to make them understand. If I flunk eighth grade, do you know I’ll be an eighth grader that is supposed to be a sophomore? If I pass, I’m still supposed to be a sophomore so that’s a lose lose sitiation. My grades are really good, all except my math grade. I have a logical explanation for that though.
School is about to end now, we just completed testing for today. I’m so glad. My head was starting to hurt a little. You know what I haven’t realized? There are only two weeks left of school. Do you know how amazing that is? I can’t wait until school lets out. I have to find something to do for this summer. I know I told you I was going to camp. I changed my mind actually a few days after the meeting. I just didn’t think that it would be fun for me. I don’t think going is a bad idea, I just don’t want to. I’m scared of all the seniors and the juniors. The freshman are cool, I’m just a punk though. I could never do the camp thing. It would be the worst month of my life all because of me. It would be my fault because I will be the one that messes up, Eventhough I’m supposed to so that my mistakes can be corrected. I just hate to make mistakes. That’s a good thing to some, and to me, because I want to be perfect. No one is perfect though. It’s just not in their DNA. I hope they have fun though. It sounds fun; it’s just not my kind of thing. I’m just too difficult to do something like that. Nothing is wrong with be difficult, so don’t fault me, because you have probably done it too. If I run and hide every chance I get, then that’s the type of person that I become. I can’t protect myself from every single thing. Most of them have to happen eventually, because without those events that you need; you realize that you have let yourself be shut out from everyone else, and that cost you to be the one thing you were afraid of being. ALONE. I guess I got bored last night. I texted Ashley yesterday and I said, “Wat it do?”
When she sent me back she was like, “Who dis?”
She never knows who I am when I text her. So
I told her about thirty minutes I told her that it was me. She was like, “Sup?”
After I read her message, I realized I couldn’t text back because there only remained three dollars left on my dads phone that I texted Ashley on. So the conversation was over really quick. I guess I just think Ashley is so cool. She’s a baller.
Did I tell you I saw her the other day? I was actually just coming outside. I walked up the street because I was about to play basketball with Jarvis, Tadd, and my brother. There was a red car in front of this boy named Cory’s house. He’s my homie. He’s cool though. Anyway, I was watching my brother play basketball, and then he looked at me and said, “    Isn’t that Ashley Rainey?”
I turned around to look. It was her. Now at home I talk about Ashley all the time that you could recognize her from anywhere. My hear t started to beat fast. I told you how scared I was of Ashley right? I don’t know why, because it’s not like she hates me or anything, maybe I’m just over reacting. Wee, they were like leaving, and Keisha Ray waved at me. I said was sup. Then Ashley looked back, smiled and waved. It was cool seeing them.
Back to today though. I just got finished with the arts and humanities test. I guessed on a lot of the questions. I wonder where those guesses will get me. I didn’t do any drama, music, P.E or art in mobile.  I hope its quick day. I need to get out class, it’s just too quiet. See, I don’t talk, but I like to listen to other people talk.
Not much has changed. For a second it really did, but hell, I knew that this wasn’t going to last forever. Today I went outside for a little while after I got home from school. It was really something dumb and pointless, but you know my dad. Now I’m a introverted person like my seventh grade language arts teacher once said; so I don’t really say what I want, but I don’t stand and say nothing. He was mad that we were outside too long.  I didn’t really care. I wanted to scream when he decided he wanted to fuss about it. I wanted to say, “If it weren’t for that phone call, none of us would be here. Because of what I did you got the impossible back. I gave you your life back, Damnit, I saved it.”
Will he ever understand that? He won’t, I guarantee it. He’ll be the guy with the large ego, and too much pride to ever admit that he is ever wrong. I’m sorry, but he’ll always be a father first, and a father second. There is no room for a friend. That’s how it will always be. A lot of times I wish that he and I could be friends, or even civil to one another, but I don’t see it ever becoming possible. He just can’t let go and have fun. Damn, that sounds a lot like me doesn’t it? I just have fun at home and not in public. He has fun in public, and not so much at home. Home is where it all ends. I can’t believe I’m comparing myself to my father. We are just alike though, Eventhough I hate to admit it. I guess it’s hereditary, and we can’t help that.
Billy Bob Thornton said in the movie Astronaut Farmer that, “when you’re a kid you want to be just like your dad, when you’re a teenager you can’t stand him, and when you’re an adult, you end up just like him.”
Wow right? It sounds true, that’s because it probably is. All I ever really wanted was just a little it of happiness for more than just a second or two. I can never get that. Maybe that’s asking too much of something that I should have false hope in. I honestly do everything that I can not to become my father. I just have to hope that it’ll be enough, because sometimes it isn’t. It sounds a little harsh, but I can’t help it. Sometimes it just happens this way. I can’t just close out what I feel, because I have tried. It doesn’t work like that. I do know the way this thing works though. Especially if you let so many years pass by and don’t resolve whatever it is that has bothered you for so much time. If you don’t say what is needed, you may never get the chance. That is a very powerful thing. It really is. If you go on with that hatred in your heart, it may tear you apart. If you let it live buried deep inside your soul, it will just eat at you because you never got the whole story, or you never saw the bigger picture, and it’ll be too late to say that you’re sorry. I hope that doesn’t happen to me. I hope that’s not how we turn out in a few years, Eventhough that’s the road that we’re headed. I already refuse to be him. He’s slowly losing me. I’m going farther and farther away because he wants to hold on too tight. That only gets you somewhere that you don’t want to be. I just hope that we don’t turn into those two people. Maybe we already have. Maybe it’s already too late for us. Who really knows though, I guess no one really can, especially not the two of us anyway. It’s different with us. The two of us are a father and a daughter at war with eachother. How do you fix that? Someone has to admit that they are wrong. The two of us would never do that. I guess that’s what makes it so fun or just us basically.
I just have to tell you this. I saw Ladericka on my space last night. I didn’t think she had one but I guess she spelled her name a little bit different. I didn’t send her a request. I just looked at her page. We aren’t really like cool like that so I didn’t send her one. Then again, none of the people on my friend list are cool with me like that. I and Ladericka don’t really talk anymore, so I didn’t see the point. Basketball season is all that I and Ladericka had, because without it, we were just two players that played against eachother once. So if all that we ever contain, then so be it. I don’t talk anyway, so whatever. I guess that when ball is gone, everything else that you gained in the middle of it disappears too. I already learned not to hang on, so I’m cool. I really am. She doesn’t say anything to me anymore, so I don’t say anything to her, but like I said, we’ll always be cool I guess. Yo, I can’t wait until next season so I can play basketball. I missed my freshman season as an eight grader so ya gurl has come back with a vengeance. I have to do things a little harder than I did last time. I was bullshitting, but I can’t do that anymore. It took too much time away from me then so just imagine of what it would do to me now? I have to do all the things I didn’t do. Things I sat aside like, “Awe, they’ll be there when I get ready for them.”
I guess that’s how my eyes got glued open. I lost it and realized that if you don’t protect it, life swoops down and takes it from you. That’s why they say that in the end, life is whatever the hell you make it. I have to make it what I want it, because if I don’t, I have to take what I get. Everyone doesn’t want that Everytime. So Ladericka and I aren’t really cool anymore. We walk past eachother, and don’t say a thing. I don’t care. I guess I do that a lot now. I have to do my own thing, and I guess the girl I called my homie won’t be even the least bit part of it. It’s over with for me and La D. all we had was basketball. In the end, that’s not good enough. When we hit High School in a few months, things will probably be just like they are now. I guess the only explanation is that the shit happens right? Basketball season will come up, and she might try this friend thing again. Why though? We used to be tight on the freshman team. I wonder what happened, but it doesn’t matter now. This is some hardcore stuff. Sheen mi Dawg no more.

From cool to cold
Poems, to blue and gold
Songs ya gurl know
Raps ya gurl don’t
T.I beats
Boosie and Webbie beats
Damn, sheen my dawg no more
Sheen cool wit me

Well, I talked Mailey last night. I just so happened signed into my face book page, and saw that she was online. We were just talking about dumb stuff. I sent her a message that said, “Was sup short person?”
She sent a message back that said “Was supping tall person?”
It was actually really funny. That gurl is insane. I’m just joking though, Mailey is really cool. She was telling me about the basketball season and giving me a prebrief about things that I had missed, because I left before the season even started. What she told me was crazy. All I could say in my mind was, “Damn.”
I can’t believe Coach A made ya’ll do that. What she had done was made everybody practice after the game was over. Can you believe that? I was like, “Hellnah!”
I sent her a message saying, “I might consider not playing next season.”
She sent me another message back that said, “You better not not play.”
I just laughed.
Coach Anderson is tough, and I don’t know if I can handle that. She told me I better play. I really don’t know if I can handle it. Coach Anderson just yells a lot at the people that she expects the most from, so I have heard. Maybe I’m just being a punk though. I could just suck it up and deal, but I don’t. I let it get to me. I don’t think that’s good, but I can’t help it. I try to be perfect for everybody, but there is just no way possible. To try and be the way everyone wants you to be, is too much stress. Basketball and I were forced into a relationship. Before we even met, I wanted to get to know it, but wanted to do nothing to make that even possible. So, us, was basically like a prearranged marriage. We wound up getting acquainted with eachother, Eventhough I never wanted to be. I guess that like they say though, hate transforms into respect, respect turns into like, and like turns into love. It doesn’t happen all the time, but that mean that it can’t. That’s the story of me and basketball, never the end though. What we share can never end. No matter how hard I try to forget and pretend, I know that I will always go crazy if I’m without it too long. I guess it has just always been like that. I guess that’s what mad love for something will do to you. Sometimes I wonder though, what things would be like if it weren’t in my life. Maybe, I would just be like everyone else. Maybe all the pressure and emptiness would go away. I feel like the more that I try to do, the more I’m hiding behind something that is holding me back. Me.
Something is always holding me back; but I can’t blame it on anyone or anything but me; because I let it. I hope I don’t drown in my misery. I need to figure out what’s going on with me. I’m like two people. I’m no longer trapped in the mist of two worlds anymore, but it’s something else this time. It’s like the past, verses the present. I don’t know if I can take another battle, or handle another war. I would say that I have had it, but then that would release other things. I really shouldn’t be afraid anymore, but something always has me afraid. I always gain one thing, and end up losing something that I already had, and treasured a lot. I still don’t understand why I’m being punished. Maybe it’s just me punishing myself, and faulting someone else or something else.
I deleted my myspace. I guess because I got mad at something. So, I made a new one though. It’s actually better than my last one, for a lot of reasons that I just don’t want to talk about. I just got tired of some things, and I decided that I didn’t want to care anymore. I basically just have to be a lot more careful how I choose my friends. I learned how not to care about a lot of things, so I’m not really trippin off any of it. I’m never dumb, Eventhough I act it sometimes. I think some of the friends I had didn’t want to be or something. That even sounds stupid to me.
Anyway, next subject. I’m like thinking about next season. The basketball season I mean. I don’t really know if I want to be a Lady Raider anymore. I don’t want to go to warren East High. It’s for classified reasons, so don’t try and squeeze it out of me. Maybe for my sophomore year, I’ll go to east, but I don’t want to go my freshman. I actually have some unfinished business that I need to take care of. If my dad lets me go to school somewhere other than East, I promise I’m going. The coaches may faint if they heard me say this. After I prove what I need to prove, I’ll be straight. I told you that coming back, things would be different. Was, became what’s going on now. Was, became the end of so many things that I thought were so great. This story became the end of a friendship that started so cool. From, “Was sup,” and hey, to dirty looks like, “I don’t know you.”
This story became more than me. Everything that you lose always has reasons behind them that you never quite understand. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? When I left, I lost everything. It remained in my heart, but those days were gone forever. A guy once said, “All you get is what you remember.”
Now I know that things will never be the same again. I knew I was right when I said you can never just pick up where you leave off. I had myself believing that crap for a while. I was stupid for doing something that dumb. I was extremely stupid for that. Nothing is wrong with hope…. But okay. Whatever makes you happy, and whatever helps you sleep at night.
I guess that when I said I didn’t give a damn about the Ladericka thing, I was lying. I realize that I can’t stop bringing it up. I guess that I’m just really curious to know was sup. It’s like one minute we’re friends, and once I left and came back, she won’t even look at me. What? Does she like hate me for the way that I left or something? We had some fun times, but I guess that doesn’t matter anymore. You want to know some truth to this? If Ladericka and I wouldn’t have both made the freshman team that Saturday, October the 22, 2007.We would have never been friends at all. Time changes…. Then the people change. I thought that the two of us were better than that. Coming back, she was the first person on my mind, the only person that I couldn’t wait to see, and for what?
This?
This is nothing like I expected it to be. I lost a friend. The girl I called my homie. The 1st person that knew I was coming back. All except when. She was like the 1st person I called when I was out of state, and the 1st person that knew exactly what down. She was the only person actually. I trusted her that much. Now I regret it. I told her all that. I sent her funny picture messages, and called her on the weekends when my moms’ phone was free. All that time I wasted when I could have been doing something else. I called her… texted her… is this what became of it all? We might as well have never been friends, of this final outcome of it all. What was it all for? Nothing… because we’re no longer friends anymore. So much for Homie’s always. If you’re wondering, a homie is basically somebody you are just re4al tight with. That’s like over with though. I don’t think I care. I still think that’s what I’m trying to get you to believe. I deal with everything else, so this is really nothing. Friends come and go. Some friends stay gone. That really doesn’t matter at all to me. I am over it. She doesn’t talk to me, then, I don’t have one thing to say. I never in a million years thought that I would see it end like this. Well, end at all actually, but oh well. You can’t change what history wrote down. It’s copied into millions of books everyday. What, are you going to ruin them all? Well, that’s impossible. You can’t do it. You just have to deal with it. That’s as good as it gets. You know what I don’t understand? Well, forget that. I think I flew a little off the subject. I’m probably getting a little carried away. Anyway, I made a new one like I said. One of the friends I had on my old one I sort of clinged to. I didn’t do it on purpose I just really couldn’t help it. I admired them like so much that it annoyed us both. I guess I just started over to make it look as innocent as I possibly could. With them, I was just trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I’m guessing. I just got out of hand a little. We can probably never really be friends. I’m okay with that, because they’re out of my league anyway. I should have never even tried to impress them. I should have just been the person that I was, but no, I had to be the person that I pretended to be. I had to be the person that I created. I guess I just felt that by being myself would never be good enough. So, oh well. That’s the end of that. I believe you just have to be careful who you choose, and how you choose them. Sometimes who’s chosen, isn’t such a bad idea, but sometimes it really is a bad idea. If you’re smart, not that I’m saying you’re dumb, you may put a little logic into the whole thing. If you don’t put into it sometimes, you’re in for some trouble.

Sometimes lessons do get learned
About pain, and life
And why it hurts
Sometimes it gets good to know that
Memories are okay to have
And reminisce shows that
In life you lose
Sometimes you win
Sometimes the game is over
And you have to play again
Sometimes you don’t get a second chance
It’s over before you know
Because what you didn’t plan for
Is what you forgot to expect

Sometimes I feel like basketball gives up on me at times. Sometimes I shoot the ball, and it just won’t go in. that gets annoying. I know you’re probably saying I just need to work on my shot, but I don’t think of it like that. At some moments, I just feel like throwing the basketball down and ending it, but I can’t bring myself to do it. The only way basketball and I will fall out is if I give up on it, or it officially gives up on me. When it’s like all over, I promise you one of us will know it. The day it decides to let me go, it’ll know it. Forget about the whole infatuation thing. Forget about the whole being set up thing. It’s not about that anymore. It’s more than that. It’ll always be. Basketball and I have a history, but is that all that we now maintain? If basketball decides to give up on me, I just may let it. I don’t know if I should hold on, or pull away as soon as it does. Until basketball decides it’s ready to lose hope in me, which it is slowly erasing, I’ll be playing ball. You know, I don’t want to be a Lady Raider my freshman year right? I think I told you that. I actually want to be a Lady Dragon. Just for a season. I have my reasons. That’s Warren Central. That’s the name of the school. I’m just not ready for east yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say why, but I told you a piece of the reason. Maybe you weren’t listening as hard as I thought you were. I can’t give you even a hint of the reason why I want to be a Lady Dragon, because it’ll cause too much conflict. If you think really hard and put two and two together, you’ll understand why. I don’t think you do, but that’s okay.
There is only so much of yourself that you can give, and only so much of yourself that can be taken. Sometimes people don’t want, or reject what you have to give. You can’t change that. You can’t really make anyone accept you, unless you accept yourself. All you can really do is be yourself. If you don’t have the ability to do that, then you’re just wasting your time trying to get people to accept the person that you created, but don’t even accept yourself. Me, I spend too much time planning and creating, and planning and creating. I can’t fit anything just happening into my schedule. Listen to me. I sound way past delusional. See, I skipped crazy, and insane. How does this sound. Me, a Lady Dragon at Warren Central. It doesn’t, so you see what I mean. That doesn’t even sound the slightest bit real. I just hope I actually get to go. I can’t play for east yet. I have to play somewhere else. You know, it’s all because of this fear buried deep inside of me. What fear? Where did it come from? Will it go away? I can’t really answer any of those questions for you. I won’t just tell you what you want to hear. So maybe it’ll be better if I don’t say anything about it at all. I guess that is what I do when I get scared. I run. I run as far away as I can possibly get. I don’t know if I’ll always be a Lady Raider. Almost and is, are two completely different things. I dreamed about playing for east at the start of my eighth grade year. That’s all that I ever wanted, except when I had it, it felt wrong. It was everything before I had it. It was everything to me. I guess what started to scare me was now that I had had it, I had something to lose. Can you believe that is exactly what happened? The world works in very mysterious ways.
A lot of people expect me to always be a Lady Raider. Check this out. “Ghost Nomore.”
How about Lady Raider Nomore?
That right there is enough to make anybody’s heart stop beating. “What! You’re not going to play for east?”
Well, maybe not. My jersey went from blue and white to blue and gold. I wonder if I’m switching colors again. Will my colors be navy blue now? It seems like I can’t decide where I want to be. That’s funny right? I went through like all this trouble to get back to Warren East and be a Lady Raider, and now there is a chance that I don’t want to be one anymore. Blue and gold may not always be my color. Remember how I was talking about change? Well, maybe this is the change that I so badly need. Where does my future lie? It seems that after such a long period of time, getting used to someone else is all it balls down to in the end. I guess that I’m going to some math camp over the summer. It’s just for like eight days, and everybody knows that I so badly need to go anyway. Math and I, we don’t mix. We don’t have that understanding that the Pre Algebra kids do. We just aren’t really cool like that. If you show up all eight days though, you get like a one hundred and fifty dollar calculator. I guess that’s alright. It collides into my birthday though. I’ll turn fifteen at math camp. I get a chance to get ahead though, and make my first quarter math grade a really good one. If I could get an A, that would be the best day of my school career since seventh grade. I’m about to be a freshman that is supposed to be a sophomore. I guess that I’m still mad about that. Anyway, I’m about to jump at this, because I really need it. I’m still a little skeptical about the Warren East High school freshman thing, but we’ll see what happens. My dad wants me to play with the lady Raiders because they let me play freshman and J-V. It could have been varsity if I hadn’t have moved. I guess there is a lot of benefit in that, because every team that you play on won’t really let you unless you feel like you’re good enough. The Coaches believe that I am good enough it is nice to have people believe in me, but that’s not the reason that I want to play for someone else. I want to be a Lady Dragon my freshman year, but the odds of that happening aren’t really in my favor. I have hope for the Central thing, but I’ll most likely end up a Lady Raider. I’m going to catch all kinds of hell my freshman year at east. I hope I’m ready for that. Forget ready, I just hope that I can handle it. As time passes, maybe then yeah. Still I know I’ll be better off my sophomore year. I’m kind of laughing right now. I just remembered telling you good bye, but I realize that I am having another long ass conversation with you. I didn’t know that it would come so soon. I guess that I just enjoy talking to you. You listen to me. I guess you sort of don’t have a choice, since I’m the one that does all the talking. I wish that I could have met you. It’s crazy how you know so much about someone, but have never actually met them a day in your life. I know all about you; but if you could have warned me, showed me a little something, then the outcome could have really changed a lot of things. In some ways I am glad about that, and in others, not so much. Instead of showing me, you sort of told me. It was like a story if you think about it, my story wrote me. I guess I just acted out the words that you said, like choreographed dance movement. I keep getting a mixture of different feelings because no matter how much I possibly say to you, it ends up never being enough. You can tell that much, can’t you? Still there were things I had to be shown because I couldn’t be told everything. Sometimes show is a little bit better than tell. There were some things I just had to see for myself. That’s the only way you can fully understand the way that you should. It’s a shame that you and I can only conversate this way. We could have been closer than ever. Sometimes I feel like you’re the only friend that I have. How does your bestfriend turn out to be you when you look in the mirror? It happens though, and there is really nothing wrong with the whole thing.
You know, if you leave for a long time and try to come back, things are never the way that you left them. The things that you remember are different, because you can’t leave and expect to pick up where you paused. It’s always okay to hold on, but you can’t cling too tight, because it gets harder that way. Things are never the way that you leave them. Why? It’s because there is always a distorted version called the story of your life. It doesn’t matter if it’s the life that you created, or the life that you forgot about. All that matters is the life that you have at the end of the day. Which one is really you own choice to decide. You know, school is almost out, and summer is basically almost here. Only a few more days, and then I’ll officially be a freshman. Can you believe it? I really did it. I’m still down a grade, but its Koo now. You know, I really should have known that my dad wouldn’t let me go to Warren Central and be a Lady Dragon. I don’t know why I even bothered asking. So what if East beat Central? He’s not the one playing, or the one asking to go there. You know that’s the only reason he says I can’t go? It’s stupid. It’s my High School career. What! He thinks I can’t make my own decisions because he feels like he knows what is best for me. He needs to get real and get a grip because father or not, I’m in control of my life, not him. What he’s doing is pushing and pushing and pushing away. It’s so hard to even talk to him because we may live under the same roof, and walk past eachother everyday, but we’re a million miles away from eachother. It doesn’t matter how many feet of eachother we came within. When he figures this out, he’ll be way too late because he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t listen; it’s like whatever with him. He’s not in control of my life. I’m not going to get mad because I could basketball up, and poetry, then what will he have? He’ll have my little brother junior to pick on then. It’s like have some fun and stop being so serious all the time. My brother had a tournament right. He got mad at him because he turned the ball over. It wasn’t his best game, but damn, don’t beat his pride up more than he already is himself. That only makes things worse. If he gets his selfish, retarded self on the court, he won’t have a thing to say then. He thinks that it’s so easy, but he’s not the one out there playing; so that makes it different. His intelligence seems up most of the time, but he can be as dumb as a doorknob and swear that he is just so right. Hell, I probably wouldn’t be playing basketball today if he didn’t think he knew what was best for me. You know, the problems didn’t start until he signed me up to play my sixth grade year. I wasn’t having any trouble like that until basketball came into my life. So what does that mean for me and basketball? It’s not really all its fault, really none of it. It was new to me, just as I was new to it. Basketball has given me painful memories and looks over my shoulder, extreme pressure, mental madness; it has caused me a lot of chaos. I never asked for it, and it never asked for me. That’s how I know deep down that when people tell me that I’m the next best thing, the next big shot to take over, I don’t let it go to my head; because I know there may always be someone out there who will want it more than me. I have already come to terms with that. It may be real true, so when the time comes, I’ll see if that’s what happens. I never asked for basketball to be in my life. I was doing damn well without it. All my problems became real when we were introduced. It was forced upon me. It may have been different if I had introduced myself to it, but I didn’t. Right now, basketball…is just the sport that I play. I don’t know if it will ever be more than that. Sometimes I just liked to win because I didn’t like my opponents. Sometimes I don’t care about winning, and other times, it was very rare that I had even the least bit of passion about a basketball game. It’s sort of fun I guess. I like to knock people around in the post area really. I don’t know if playing ball is something that I want to try and do for the rest of my life. I don’t have thing that the greatest players in the world do. Everybody tells me that I’m amazing, awesome. Great. One that will soon be the best is what they say. I guess that I just don’t care about all that. It’s nice that they think I’m that good; but damn even I don’t think like that. It’s too bad that I might end up letting hopes die, and have that light in people’s eyes that believe in me to dim. Honestly, basketball is all that I have ever known for the past three, almost four years. The first few months that I started playing, everybody already expected a lot out of me. At first I didn’t mind. I was like twelve years old. I wonder what life would be like without it for me. I never thought about it like that. It seems that if I had have worried about it, it could have possibly drew us closer together, or the complete opposite of together, apart. Some things are just meant to be driven away I guess. Then again, there I go with the, “Meant” thing again. I was never going to play basketball. It was just this thing with ten people on the court, and five on each team with different color jerseys than eachother. To me, they took the basketball, dribbled it as fancy as they wanted, and scored the best way they could. That’s all I ever planned for it to be for me. I just couldn’t see us two between keys. Basketball for me was never supposed to be what it is to me today. It wasn’t supposed to mean any of the things that it does. The dislike I had for it grew into the love that it said would be. It gives me something to do I guess. At the same time, I still enjoy it because it is really fun. I guess that basketball has become my way out. It’s how I plan to make myself known, I guess; because that’s how people know me. I wonder if it’s what I’ll be doing five years from now. Damn, I’ll be nineteen twenty in five years. I’m getting up there. It’s crazy as my age changes when I think about it. It feels like yesterday I was in sixth grade dreading talking to people on the basketball court because the coach said that I had to. I didn’t anyway, but I played the best that I could for my coach. He was Coach Curtis. That’s how I got the name Bama. He created that name and everybody just chanted it at every game they watched me play. It was mad crazy, but it felt nice. Time flies by quickly when you want it to, but you don’t expect it.
Ooh, you won’t believe this. What’s not to believe about it though? It happens ever year. You know what I’m talking about. It’s only the last day of school, duh. It’s today, and I’m so happy about it. It’s just amazing to even think. School is finally over for two months. I didn’t think it would get here fast enough. Yes, this year was fun, at least the time I spent at warren east. You know what, since middle school started, I have never been at one school for the whole year. That may never changed but I’ll be in High School, so it better. I’m getting too old for the shit. I didn’t have all the memories that other people shared at the school, because I wasn’t there the whole year. That doesn’t really matter. I still had my share. You know what the really nice thing about the last day of school is though, don’t you? Well, you basically just show up and do nothing. The last day for me was really a little bit lame because everybody had to take finals, so we had no choice but to come. The assistant principal David Cloyd said that we could leave after finals were over, so you know people jetted out of school as soon as they ended. I had to stay unfortunately because me leaving wasn’t about to happen. My mom and dad weren’t about to come and sign me out of school just because it was the last day. I might as well have just stayed at school any way. After finals were over, we watched, Nancy Drew.”
I love that movie. Eventhough today was my first time ever seeing it. Today actually feels like the last day for the first time in a long time. We watched a movie in every class. The last day of school makes it really easy for you to get away with a lot of the stuff that you do. Guess what I did just because it was the last day of school. I wore a dress, can you believe it? I was blowed, and so was everyone else at school. It was mad crazy. Everybody thought I was going to that formal dance. I was like whatever. I just figured that since it was the last day of school, I might as well do something crazy. It wasn’t like anybody would be talking about it Monday. School is done for two months. It was basically what I call perfect. As school ended, everybody said their good byes. The teachers all stood outside as the buses were driving away. They waved good bye to us, and we waved good bye to them. We were officially no longer eighth graders. Freshman baby!!!
Ninth graders. Ooh, the bottom of the food chain though. That’s crazy, but that’s how this works. You work your way from the bottom in order to get to the top. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things though. Warren East Middle School for me is done for. I’m a freshman now. Yeah boy, that’s was sup. Middle school was fun. I went to FSMS, WEMS, and Denton middle school. It’s time to give high school a try. If I like it, I like it, and if I don’t…… I tried so hard. Summer is here, so you know what it is.
You know what? I leaving Kentucky helped me see a lot of things. Everyday that I can, I sit and write to you about things that are on my mind. I sit and I tell you, that I am a part of the Lady Raiders team. You know, in a way I really am, but let me elaborate on what it is that I am trying to say. Yeah, I am half a Lady Raider. At the same time I’m just a girl that tried out for the team. I’m just a girl that wears the Lady Raider T shirts with my number on the back. I never fully became a Lady Raider, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will.
Hell, holly and Deborah are more of a Lady Raider than I may ever be, and they are sixth graders. Time gave me those moments to just think. As you can, I had a lot of time on my hands, because all that I ever did was ponder. I’m a girl that practiced, and played in one scrimmage as a Lady Raider. That’s really all. The Lady Raiders did their thing without me and I’m not trippin about it. To me, I never truly became a Lady Raider. So I’m technically, not completely a Lady Raider. I was given time to realize that maybe they really aren’t for me. Once upon a time, they were everything that I ever wanted; but there is something about them now, that just turned me the other way. I don’t think that I’m treated like a player on the team, Eventhough that’s the craziest thing that I have ever heard, but I might as well not be. I don’t even think that I want that season that I dreamt so much about. I don’t think that I want it anymore. It doesn’t really matter to me now. If I do end up playing for the Lady Raiders, then it’s just a team that I play on. That’s all.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, today, today, and today. What can I say about today? Things have been crazy. First of all, let me just tell you what I have been doing all the time that I wasn’t talking to you. Well, I went to the summer camp that is going on at Warren East High. I know I said that I wouldn’t go, but I changed my mind. I didn’t go to Florida, but I’m doing everything else on the summer calendar. I just do the weight lifting and tournament thing. It’s Koo, and it’s actually fun. Camp was Koo too. I was the oldest girl participating in the camp. The players helped out, and I was like a little kid for a week. Mailey thought that it was just so funny. We split up the 1st day and thought of team names. I was with Keisha Ray and Nichole Comer. There were at least seven girls besides Keisha and Coomer that were campers. We called ourselves the unspeakables, well Keisha did because when she asked us what we wanted our team name to be, no one would speak. So that’s what she called us. It was funny, but suited us. After we got all the basics out of the way, free throws, dribbling, block out drills, all that, all that, and the obstacle course, we started league games, and competitions. I was ready for those so bad. I really, really was ready. I knew my team just couldn’t lose the league games; because I would just be crushed if we did. The first maybe three days of camp I was sort of quiet, and I was just like whatever. Keisha made me talk though, and I was loud, can you believe it. It was funny too, because she would stand next to me and yell “Let’s go Shaunice.”
It shocked me that I was actually a little bit loud. I played around a little bit, and messed with everybody on the team. I relaxed a little bit. I guess when I relaxed things got a little bit easier.
Well, I didn’t win any of the competitions. I would have won one on one, but it was kind of a little not fair. The rules were that you could only dribble the ball three times, and the girl I played dribbled it about eight times. I beat all the hard people and then lost to the easiest one. It was crazy. Inside I was so mad, but in the end I was like whatever. I didn’t need to try and prove myself. I congratulated her in my defeat, but I knew that the three -pointer she shot was lucky. I got over it and let it go though. It would have been immature of me to make a big fuss about it. I was already tired though. I would play, and then go to sit down then would get right back up to play. Sarah Coulter thought that the faces I made to that was, just so funny. Yeah, Sarah like graduated so she is out of school. Lauren graduated too. Lauren was cool, but I haven’t seen her since I came back, but oh well. I can’t really change that. Anyway, on the last day of camp we got these T shirts that the Coaches ordered. They were really cute. All the players gave us candy. There were, like two bags of it each person. Ooh, I was in candy heaven. All I could think about was chocolate and sweet stuff. My mouth just melted when I thought about it. After camp was over, I knew that I had a break because the team was going to Florida on Sunday. They were coming back like Thursday, and weight lifting was on Friday. They didn’t even get a break. I was like wow. I’m glad I didn’t go to Florida because I know what driving to Mobile Alabama is like, and it is not a short drive. It’s a hell of a long drive. I actually didn’t go because I didn’t want to, and because I was late, and couldn’t go at the last minute anyway. Plus this boy I know lives in Florida, and ooh, if he saw me... I’m not going to even touch basis with you about what I mean, so all I can really say is ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. If he’s not one of the finest boys that I have ever seen then… well don’t you know the rest? He’s my homie, and I’m not going to touch basis with what type of homie he is to me.  I would tell you his name, but I think you understand my position on that particular thing. I’m so in love with this dude, that it’s just crazy. I think about him when we talk on the phone up until the time we hang up the phone. He got me twisted. He got it that good. It’s a shame that we don’t live in the same state as eachother because um…
He’s everything that I ever wanted. I can say that, and not be lying even the slightest. He got my heart, and I got his. We connect on this level of…it’s just crazy. I wake up in the middle of the night with him on my mind.  I can’t get him out of my system. I want him to be in my system, so I guess I don’t care. I love this dude wit all my heart, and he can hold it forever if he decides to. He got me like this. My nose is wide open.
Anyway, after they got back, I followed my schedule with weightlifting. I had never been so sore in my life. As time passed, I grew used to it. Just Monday of this week, June 23, 2008, there was like a tournament in Larue County. I have never actually heard of it, but it took like an hour to get there. It was like a game for Varsity only, but the Coach let everybody go. I and this girl named De’shea Malone were only going the first day, we weren’t going on Tuesday. So since I was only going one day, I had to at least have a little bit of fun. The first game, I got to play for like three minutes. I made the best of them hoes though. I got like two steals, and something else. It was fun though. It was funny. I got like three fouls in like a minute and a half. I understood that it is varsity and freshman aren’t guaranteed to get a lot of playing time, so I might as well have made the best of it. Everybody thought that I did a really good job though. It was funny. In the beginning of warming up Ashley Rainey walked up to me like she was about to do something. She walked on the side of me and stepped on my foot, so I reached my leg back to where she was and tripped her up. Aha, she couldn’t do nun but laugh. I couldn’t do a thing but laugh, and Keisha couldn’t either. When we shot lay ups, everybody would give you like a Hi-Five. I reached out my hand for Keisha and when she started to give me a Hi-Five back, I moved my hand and laughed. She hit me, and I just laughed again. I did it to Ashley, and she hit me too. It was crazy. So I laughed a lot, I messed with everybody on the team, I got put in a choke hold by Ashley, got hit by Keisha, I beat up Mailey, hit Sarah Simpson on the foot, put a cold Gatorade on coach Andersons neck, I fouled a few people on the court, and laughed at Coomer and Mailey. I did a lot of crazy stuff. I had a lot of fun. They had like eastern conference times, so our twelve thirty was like dey one thirty. I didn’t play in the second game, but we won them both so I was Koo. On the way back home Mailey and Coomer sang High school musical and Taylor swift all the way home. They tried to get me to sing along, but I was like no. It was fun though. Her mom played like oldies music and something else that I wasn’t familiar with, but I had fun riding with Mailey and Coomer. Coach T took me home when we got back into Warren County. I had a huge Gatorade that I barely drank in my hands and an empty stomach because all that I ate were French fries. The first thing I did when I got in the house was eat. I don’t ever get as hungry as I was, but ooh, I wasn’t hungry anymore after I ate.
Well, today has been a very crazy day, one of the craziest days in a while. I can’t say that it has been crazy in a good way because it hasn’t. Today has just been crazy, annoying, and frustrating. It has only been arguing, and arguing, and arguing. It was never this bad. My mom and dad have argued with one another all day. They were so loud, and it was insane. I didn’t know if it was the end for them, or what. I was scared for my mom though. I guess that some people never change no matter how hard they try to convince you, everything will always stay the same. Things always go well for the first few months, and then things start to change. I knew that it would happen. I just hoped that it never would. It actually hurts to see them argue, but I guess that I might have been wrong all along. Poetry and basketball are the two things that I should have known would never join forces and become indestructible. There is always something, even if it is from the past. It gets remembered in the heat of the moment, which causes things to be said that are never really meant to be said. The two can never be together. I don’t know why I never saw it until now. I had my head stuck so high in the clouds, that it clouded my better judgment. I should have known better, but I guess that I only saw what I felt like I wanted. I had it in my head that things could change between them, but things never change. It’s like eight years all over again. It’s not exactly the plan that I had formulated in my mind. I never saw it happening like this. Now my mom is all unhappy, and sad. I really do understand I guess. For a moment I wondered why she would stay with him if she wasn’t happy. I know she loves him, but I don’t want her to be sad. It then dawned on me that she is staying with him probably because of me. If she’s not happy, I don’t want her to feel compelled to continue being happy because I’m the one that didn’t realize that, “Dreams are meant for sleeping.”
I should have known. I guess that I just wanted what a lot of other people my age in Kentucky had, two parents. Some parents just not meant to stay together, I realize that now. I hate to come to terms with this reality, but I’m not blind. I can’t help but see it. I don’t want her to be unhappy for me; especially not in the expense of something happening that someone will regret. I don’t want it to go any further than it already has gone. She did what she could. She tried with everything that she had, and I’m proud of her for that. Still if she leaves him, I wouldn’t be mad. She tried, and that’s all I wanted. The two of them together was an accident waiting to happen. The accident is occurring, and it can’t be stopped. All that can be done is to watch, and to hope that things don’t go the way that you know they will. They’re not going to make it. They just won’t, and I have to accept it. It’ll never work. I realize that’s why the broke up when they did. Bringing them back together was a stupid idea. I learned my lesson, if they sever, I’ll never do it again. Some people are broken up for a reason, I shouldn’t have messed with theirs, but I did mess with it. So because of it I have caused a lot more pain. Maybe love will be enough this time though. It’s hard to forget why she loved him like she did. I hope they make it this time, but if they don’t, then I’ll understand.
Guess what? I called Ladericka today. I haven’t talked to her in so long, but I wanted to know if they won their game or not. I told you I didn’t go to the game on Tuesday. She was like ya, and then she said she would call me back because she was on her way to church. I was like iite. Maybe this is the start of us becoming cool again. I don’t know. I highly doubt it, but I guess I can see. I know that because I left things will never be the same between her and me, but I can’t care about that anymore. It’s in the past. I can’t live for yesterday anymore, so whoever has a problem with it might as well get over it.
You know, you learn something new every single day of your life; especially about someone you know or someone that you love. I just learned a couple things that will now probably have me always looking at my father different. I don’t feel bad saying it because it’s true. Some of the things that he has done in the past are just crazy. I actually remember some of it believe it or not, but I guess I just shut it out of my head for so long, until the memory of it got brought back into being. I remember the day that he walked out, and waited so many years to come back. I didn’t know I remembered that. I know though that I remembered sleeping on a pallet my sisters and brothers had made on the floor. The door was wide open, so I remember being cold. Then my mom came in, and shut the door, at the same time upset. That’s how I remember it. I guess that Eventhough I shut it out of my mind, I always hated him for it because my heart would always remember. I don’t remember the way I felt when he was gone. That part is all just a blur. I wonder if I felt anything at all. I was little, so maybe it wasn’t real to me until I got older, and was able to understand better. It was kind of cold the way that it had happened, but that’s life. It’s not always as perfect as you would imagine it being when you see it on the television. Things are never that perfect. Remembering is the hardest part, because I don’t know how I felt when he was gone. Maybe I didn’t care. I knew that he had left many a years ago, but I shut out the way that he had done it. Some of the things that he had done to my mother that she told me just blew my mind away. She said that he broke her ankle he night that he left her and never came back. She said that he stomped her like a dog, and all she did was cry because he was gone. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know all that they had been through, and now they were back together. Damn, I can’t believe she put all that behind her and came back to him because I thought that they shouldn’t have separated in the first place. If I would have known about all this, I would have never done what I did, because I know that people like him never change. It’s mean to say, but that’s how I feel about it. If it were to ever happen again, she better leave him, because I couldn’t have been my mom. He would have honestly been lying in a casket somewhere. I will never look at him the same because it is just pathetic that he could do that to a woman for any reason at all, and no matter how hard that he becomes, or that person makes him. You never lay your hands to a woman, but he did. Over and over and over again. I can’t believe she forgave him. I never would have done it.
You know what. I can truly say that I was wrong. If you listen I will tell you what about. I guess I was just trippin about the Lady Raider thing, and not feeling like a part of the team. I just had it totally twisted. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. Slowly as the days past, I little by little open up just a little bit more. I actually laugh at weight lifting, and I actually play and joke around sort of. I enjoy every moment of time I get to just come to practice and just laugh at someone else. I’m coming around. Everybody told me how much they missed me. It was nice, but I don’t know why unexpected. I just expected something different. For a while I forgot how fun it was to be a Lady Raider. I don’t know what that crap was about me never becoming one, I was going through something. Of course I know that it’ll always be hard and challenging, especially, but I guess that’s what I like about it. It gives me the opportunity to go places, and to do fun things. It gives everyone on the team the opportunity to get to know eachother. I guess that one day I’ll completely participate in all the fun, but like as long as I get there, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Sitting back and just thinking about it all, I see I have a long way to go actually. I got the chance to reflect on a bunch of things, or basically tell you about them. From this life in which I have been granted, I am going to take it and run with it. It might not all go exactly how I would want, but I can’t control that. Life will be what I make it. I get to be fifteen in twenty three days, and you get to be twelve in twenty three days. Have a nice birthday, I hope that I do. The big fifteen is approaching. I remember what turning thirteen was like. I thought that it would make me feel different, but I felt the same. Anyway, summer will soon be over. It went by really fast, but that’s cool. I hope I’m ready for High School, though I really doubt it. At least I’ll get to be fifteen years old though. It’s time for me to go, because I have overstayed my welcome. It has been fun talking to you. I just hope you can change a little bit of your future before you let it happen. I take that back, just move on; because if you change your future then you change mine. I can’t let my future be changed. I like the way that it has turned out. Just change some of the mistakes that we made, just a few, but not enough to change a whole lot. Enjoy the rest of your life. I hope that my Ghost Mission stays aborted, but who knows, but for now…………
Well this is me again. I know I know; we seriously have to stop meeting like this. You know that things can never be exactly what they call peachy as it is shown in the movies. Things are never how you plan as we have gathered. Together we have learned that sometimes life is sometimes never viewed as fair. So if you don’t know what I mean I guess I’ll facilitate this for you and elaborate just a little bit more detailed, if that’s what we are going to call it for now. I honestly didn’t know that it was possible to hate someone so much. I didn’t know anyone could be hated with a passion so deeply that it can effect ones better judgment and have them so blind that they can’t see past tomorrow. I guess that’s the way that this thing works. It‘s complicated to explain I guess, but I mean, I’ll try my best. Life is hard, and that is so true. It doesn’t get any easier. They say that things can only look up, but do you know how hard that is to believe? Day by day your mind is filled with more and more doubt. Day by day hour by hour minute by even minute lives get changed dramatically. All you can do is try to deal, but these things get tired and old. It’s dumb, but it’s true.
You know, old doors never get closed. They are always secretly reopened, and the best thing you can do is deal with it all over again. What I mean is that I talked to my friend Deidra Beck the other night and she just so happened to bring up Brian's name. Everytime I get close to not thinking about him, I end up thinking about him, because someone always brings the feelings that I have for him back to life. Old doors can’t just be shut, because things don’t work like that. They just don’t. I couldn’t help but ask her about him. I had to know how he was, did he grow any, and did he cut that hair that I liked so much? I had to know. She told me he grew a few inches taller, that was all, but she said that he was still the same. He hasn’t changed. That was nice to know, but I couldn’t let myself dwell to far back into the past that would just drive me half past crazy again. I cried for weeks when I moved. I can’t go back to that. I just can’t. He and I can never be, but I think that I’m okay with that now. I have found somebody else, and I think I actually genuinely care for the guy. One day out of the blue he told me he loved me, and a week later, I told him that I loved him too. This guy brings out something in me that no one has ever brought out of me. I would tell you, but that would get me into too much trouble. Let’s just say, we speak the type of words that only he and I can understand. He’s fine, and he knows he’s fine. I know he’s fine too. He easily makes me forget about Brian. That’s all you need to know about the guy that I haven’t named, because I don’t want you to know his name. I love him though, so I am okay. I’m so sprung that it’s just absolutely ridiculous. I’m stuck on him like a wet tongue on a frozen ice cube. That hurts a little bit. He has it like that, and Brian didn’t have it like that, because he wouldn’t allow it because he was blind until a week after I moved. I am so in love that I can’t help but keep falling down. I know that when I fall down, he will be there to pick me up. We connect on a deep level of intense emotion, and just talking on the phone generates this heat, and kindles this fire that we don’t know how to put out. Yes, it’s like that. I got it bad. I’m over it though. I think I have a better guy. He loves me back. I love that guy. I always will. One of these days, I will tell you his name, but right now, he has to be anonymous. He has my heart, and he’s going to hold on to it until that day that he and I look each other in our eyes, and decide to put out that fire.
She also told me tat my friend Alex Hunt moved back to Tennessee. You don’t know how blowed that I was when she told me. I mean, it’s Alex, I never thought that she would just move. I didn’t think that it was her style. I wanted to see her, but I guess that will never be possible, unless she moves back, and I know that won’t happen because she likes it where she is, that’s what I heard. We can’t face off on the court this year like I wanted. I guess the last time I saw her, was like the really last, and that was in seventh grade. This isn’t seventh grade anymore, well, she’s gone. I thought that we would see eachother again someday, but I was wrong. I’ll never see her again. First it was Taylor, then Brian, then Alex. Who’s next? I just hope it won’t be my friend Mailey. Could Mailey Anne Young be my next Taylor Russell? She finally got me to talk. It’s actually fun to talk to Mailey because she has this wild personality. I guess I would have known that if I talked before. We like a lot of the same music and everything. Mailey is a really cool person. I’m glad that she got me to talk to her. Can you believe though, that she got me to play soccer? I couldn’t believe it either, but I play soccer. It’s not as bad as I thought, well the running is, but it’s a sport that I signed up for because I wanted to play. I can’t say the same thing about basketball, because I didn’t sign up to play that sport. My dad signed me up to play, and I didn’t even know it. I guess now is the time that you know the truth about me and basketball. I think that it’s time for you to hear the real reason that it’s my favorite sport. It’s the story of my life, because it was made the story of my life. People come up to me sometimes, and they tell me that I’m this phenomenal basketball player, and that I’m just so good. I fell like okay, but in truth, I never wanted it to be like that. I never asked for the label that people put on me, because it was all kind of fake to me. It was all kind of fake to me because it’s not something that I got to experience for me. It’s not something that I got to sit down and just say that I wanted to do. Basketball wasn’t a choice for me. After a while it just became expected. I mean, that’s the real reason I play. People expect it from me. I didn’t make basketball the story of my life, someone else did. So I had no choice but to like it and learn it, because I knew that I had to. My world didn’t revolve around what I wanted. It revolves around the dreams and aspirations of another person. I always said that I’d never live in the shadow of what someone else wanted just to please them, but sometimes what you say is what goes in Vice Versa. I never wanted what I got, because I wanted it to be something that I did for me, and it wasn’t something that I did for me. It was something someone else decided to push upon me, and expected me to be happy about it. I wanted to be the one to decide to play basketball because I wanted to play, but when I got signed up to play, I realized that that ordeal had been taken away from me, because someone decided that they knew what was best for me, but only made things worse. I wasn’t ready, but I did it anyway, and I cracked under some serious pressure. I guess I learned to deal with it, just like I learned to deal with the game of basketball. I have come so close to quitting basketball so many times, but there is so much to lose, as well as so much to be gained. What has stopped me from quitting so many times is wondering what will be said if I do. I bet you if I quit, I would catch some serious hell with my father as to why, but he didn’t realize back then that you can’t force things upon people. That’s how people end up crazy. I’m not crazy, but I’m not far from it. I never had the guts to quit, because of like everything that I benefit from it. Before I do something, I always have to think about it. Me thinking about it always wins I the end, because I don’t go by what I think, I go by everything but what I think. I wanted basketball to make me happy because I introduced myself to it. I wanted to enjoy basketball because in my heart I knew that it was the sport for me. That’s one of the things that my father stole from me. So because of that, basketball isn’t my passion, my greatest desire, the thing that I can’t live without. Basketball is the sport that I play. I don’t know what me and it are going to be when I graduate. I’m trying to develop that type of love for it just for me, but that so hard because of all the pressure. I have constantly thought about just going against playing basketball, but I can’t. I used to flirt with basketball all the time; I didn’t want to throw myself at it. I didn’t throw myself at it; somebody did the honors of throwing me. It’s said when something like that has to control a person’s life, but it does happen. Sometimes it takes over you, and when it over powers you is when you know that you can’t control it. Sometimes when you know you can’t control that certain love that you have for something is a really good thing. In this case though, it could be dangerous. It can only be as dangerous as I make it seem, so unless I do that then things are fine the way that they are. I’m going to try not to let this thing control me. I’m just going to try and have the type of relationship that I always wanted with it. That make take some doing, but I guess that I’m up for the challenge. If I could love it the way that I myself personally want to, then I’ll be alright. If I don’t, then it may be a sad world for basketball and me. Maybe I put too much pressure upon myself, or maybe that’s not it. Maybe it is what it is. Like Keyshia Cole said, “It’s just what it was.”
That’s all that I can call it. I do know that I want to make these last four years the best ones ever. So, I’m going to play basketball until I graduate. If I get into college for it, then I’ll play. I don’t know about the pros though. I haven’t thought that far ahead. Do you ever notice though, that a lot of kids that play a sport don’t want to do that when they grow up? They always want to be something else. Their parents probably wanted to play as well, and they did it to make them happy. I actually know people like that. I won’t say their names, because they probably don’t want me calling them out, so I’m not. I didn’t know people felt the same way that I did. It’s a nice feeling to know that other people play because it’s expected of them, and that they feel like they are obligated to do it. I gave a speech about this in my Oral Communications class, and the teacher asked me if I liked the sport. I told her that it was iite. I told her that because it was the best answer that I had. I always hear that if you’re going to do something, at least let it be something that you love to do. Everybody can’t say that. Everybody can’t say that what they do, they do because it’s something that they themselves enjoy. Most of the time, someone else decided what he or she felt would make that person right, when really; they are trying to live the life that they themselves never had. Don’t look at me crazy, people really do do it. When all that you ever wanted was a little room to breathe and make decisions that you yourself wanted to make for you. That’s my philosophy on the subject. That’s just an opinion of my very own, so deal with it. I don’t define myself as a happy person. I mean, I’m happy sometimes, but other times I don’t know what to call it. You may call it what you please. I’ll still have my opinion if it’s objected to, and you’ll still have yours. Someone once said,” If you don’t live for something, then you’ll die for nothing.” That’s deep. I have never heard anything like it, but it’s true. I want to live for something that I know that I enjoyed, and something that made me happy while I was here. Listen to me, I sound old and alone, and sentenced as if I were to die in three weeks. That’s exactly how I sound. Maybe I’m just a wise fifteen-year-old. Some people don’t think this hard, some people do, but not this hard. Not too many people under twenty do it.
I got everything I ever wanted back, and things still aren’t how I thought that they would be. Life isn’t perfect, no matter how true you think it is, and no matter how many things you try to have your way. I guess life just wouldn’t be life if it was perfect all the time huh.
Well, this is High School now. I decided to take up this new sport, and I’m not too bad at it. Let me let you know what month we’re in. It’s September of 2008. It’s been a long time since the last time that we chatted. I actually miss you. Well, the new sport I have taken up is soccer. I’m not too bad at it. I’m actually iite. It involves a bunch of running, but I can handle it. It helps me stay in great shape. Mailey did talk me into it, so that’s the only reason that I played. I’m glad that I did though. The season is almost over. It’s over next week in October after the District game. I hope we do well. Anyway, basketball falls directly after soccer, so I get like no break. It’s fine with me though. At least that way I have something to do. Soccer helped me open up a little bit, with Mailey’s help, so I really don’t regret it.
Now though, it’s time for me to try this thing all over again. The new basketball season is about to start; so I want to try and be myself this time, and get a glimpse of what happens. As you can tell, I gave you your life back. I can tell hat you are glad about that. I just wanted to let you know before I go that I’m okay. I hope that you’re okay. There is no way you and I can ever see each other, but it was nice talking to you. I’m really glad you listened. Maybe I can prevent some of the mistakes that I made, so that you don’t have to suffer because of them. My life wasn’t all perfect then, and it’s not perfect now; but I have the things that make me happy, so I can do without all that other stuff. Maybe things will go better than they did last time. I guess when the basketball season starts, I’ll just have to see; but right now, I’m about to call my baby on the phone, and talk in that little tone, and speak those words that only he and I understand. I’ll see you in the next life, because I’m going to be on the phone all night. I hope you had fun listening. I have to get around to putting the finishing touches on my life whenever I get around to it.
You know, even though things are better a little between Ladericka and myself, I can’t change the way that I felt then, just because things are different now. I can’t care just because someone isn’t happy with the way that things turn out. I can’t change the way that I saw things, because things decide that they want to change things. Whenever all these three stories come out, it may be a few people pissed with me. There’s not a thing that I can do about that though. They are just going to have to deal, because life is never fair. That’s just the way it is. Just because someone isn’t happy with the way that things are, doesn’t mean that I will just change them because this is a story? This is my story, and I’m going to tell it no matter who like its or not.
Just because I’m back doesn’t mean that I’m just going to go back to the way that things always were. I hope for things to be better than they turned out for me a year ago, but who really knows. That isn’t up to me. It’s up to time. Whenever things decide that they want to progress, then I hope it goes all out. This year may turn out to be the best one yet. I won’t ever really know until I get a new perspective on the things that I had to wish would start all over again.
Basketball has started back up. Try-outs are in a few days, and for the first time since I have played, I’m ready for it. I’m a freshman now, and maybe that will mean something if I make it meaningful. We just got finished with conditioning, and it wasn’t as bad as last year. I’m not out of shape, and an eighth grader. I came up big, didn’t I?
You know, I guess I was just trippin. Ladericka and I are even tighter than we used to be. I guess it just took a little time to get back to the way that things used to be, because we do actually talk about stuff. We laugh at people, and all this other crazy stuff. I think I have been around her too long because she is rubbing off on me.
As you may know, basketball try-outs have ended. It was like three days long, but they did end. As you know, I made the team. Of course I was going to make the team. Why wouldn’t I make it? Try-outs were basically a lot of running and ball handling. It was so much running. For a moment, I didn’t think that I could even take it; but I wasn’t about to walk off the floor and give up. If I were to do that, then I would have been a quitter. I can’t be a quitter, unless I want to be; and I can’t be a quitter. At least now, I can keep up with the fast people because of soccer. Speaking of soccer, my legs are ruined because of it. We had a game one-day, and I got kicked in the leg with a cleat. I had never known what that felt like until it happened. Now I say, “ You’re never a true athlete until you play soccer.”
That scar will probably be on my leg forever, and every time I look at that scar, I will think about the girl that kicked me in my leg. When I remember that, I’ll probably get mad like I did when my leg first swelled up, but I’ll be okay.
I don’t even know if I’m going to play soccer next season, but you never know with me. You just never know.
Next subject though.
Umm practice has been good, I guess. I mess up a lot because there is a bunch of stuff that I just don’t remember, and it’s like I have to start all over again. It upsets me every time I think about it because there was a time when I did know all the plays, but I moved, and time screwed with my memory. I’ll be alright though. Relearning all this stuff may take some time because I always look confused on the court, but I’ll figure it out one day. It won’t happen over night, but I’ll work it out. Maybe when I figure it out, people will really see what I can do; but until that time comes, I just have to work with what I know, and try top learn as much as I can. You know, a lot of things have happened. There are some things that I just wont say, but there are others that aren’t too bad. Ashley Rainey signed with Louisville Cardinals on-----. They live, a division 1 team, and like number ten in the nation. She should be proud and very happy. I know her family was very proud of her. We were all in the library when she signed. It was her family, news people, and all of her teammates. Everytime Ashley did something, a camera was being flashed in her face. I thought that it was funny because you could tell that she was aggravated with all the light in her face. Every little thing she did. I wish I had it like that. Ashley has this swagger about her that just makes people want to get to know her. She is just so talented, and she has been blessed with this gift that god has given her. I know that she is going to go all the way; and when she does, I want to see. She is so full of life, and she lives every moment like its going to be her last. She is very down to earth and funny. It would just blow your mind as I say, if you got the chance to hang around her, and just see the type of person that she is on a daily basis. She’s got it all.
When Coach Anderson made her speech, they gave Ashley a pen. You could tell she was nervous, because she was just acting funny. She had to ask somebody what day that it was. I was like wow.
After she signed, we ate cake, drank punch, and went back to class. I took some poster with her on it that showed all of her stats. She scored 710 points her freshman year, she scored 770 points her sophomore year, and she scored 840 her junior year. Now she had over a thousand rebounds, and hundreds of steals. Oh yeah, and blocks. She had hundreds of those. See I told you, She’s awesome.
Well, we had practice after that, and that went okay.
The next day after I got home, I saw her in the newspaper. It was a picture of her signing. She’s going to go all the way. I’m so happy for her.
The team is bonding, if that’s what you would call it. The new people on the team are real cool, but we honestly have only 2 new people. Jordan Kramer and Kendra Hurt. Jordan is real cool for real. Everytime I see her she has food in her mouth and all I do is laugh about it. Sometimes I take some of her food and go on bout my business. I like food too, so why not take hers. She’s a junior, so yeah. I don’t know though; Kendra and me have some bad blood between us. That’s all I’m going to say. It had a lot to do with last year though. That’s why.
We have so much stuff this year. We have more than we had last year. Our shoes are fly too. We got Lebron’s. King James. Coach T bought my shoes for me. They were like $120 dollars and we got them for $72 dollars. I just couldn’t afford them this year. Things just ain’t what they used to be. I hated to tell coach that I couldn’t get them shoes, but she told me not to worry about stuff like that. I thanked her for my shoes. I was happy.
In life there always have to be downfalls though. Some things just decide they want to go worse than the others do. There is always this distorted version called the story of your life. There is always something that just causes that thing in your life that you wanted to disappear; because things just go wrong.
I went through all this hell to find my way back to Kentucky just to play ball at Warren East High School, and now I find out that we might be moving. My mom said that there is a slight possibility that I won’t be going to Warren East, no, she said there is a great possibility that I won’t be. I’m so mad, because if I do end up moving I will have to sit out another year like I did last year, and I’m not having that. If I have to sit out another year, I just might not play. I didn’t even vision this happening, but I’m going thru it right now. This last year could determine my future with basketball. Maybe this is life’s way of telling me that I need to give it up, because I never wanted it in the first place. I have so many expectations
Set out for me. Basketball was the beginning of me, now it may be the end of me. I can’t handle moving and swapping schools again. I have never really played real basketball since last year. Will I ever get my turn?
Things always go good and bad, then do the same thing all over again. My life is a deadly roller coaster, like that final destination movie; because time is picking at its and bits and pieces of my life and finding out how to screw with them. It is working, because things are falling apart again. It gets to that point where you decide to never get your hopes up because you know that things aren’t going to turn out how they should; because that’s not how things work.
Sometimes I wonder why things happen, and if they really happen for a reason. I guess the past never fails the old die-hard, and me. You never know how things are going to turn out, because that’s the one predicament in this world that you can never fore see. What your future holds. Sometimes it happens like this. I guess if I knew why, then I really wouldn’t be in this mess. I never asked for any of this; it just sort of happened. We never ask for a lot of things, they just have that way of forcing themselves on you somehow.
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Everything happens for a reason. I can’t wait to figure out what this one reason is. How do you get everything you ever wanted, and time still be limited? In the end, ya still lose. I don’t even know what winning feels like. The Freshman Coach asked me once why I was so quiet. I told her, what’s the point of warming up if all I’m going to do is lose them and leave? I wasn’t wrong. I know these things. Why does it always have to happen to me? No one will answer that for me. All my life, all I do is say good bye.