Once upon a night
In a dark and empty bed
She wept to her pillow
and Away her heart bled.
Her sobbs and cries
Were for her loved one
He had met his demise
Now, he was gone.
A thought crossed her mind
Of *her* death and sorrow
So, picking up a knife
She would never see tomorrow.
She clenched her eyes tight
As she slid long the blade
And then, in the night
Her lonely corpse laid...
Author notes
This is my last poem for a long time, don't expect to hear from me for a long time to come!
A contest entry
- That One Dark Moment by carrot.
1450 points, ended June 16, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sick of prompts?? click here by Maggie Kay.
400 points, ended June 13, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Short Pre-Writes by Heroesrox.
400 points, ended June 15, 14 entries
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400 points, ended October 15, 250 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Rhyme Prewrite contest :) by Ami.
550 points, ended July 7, 94 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites, show me what you got. by GraveyardGoddess.
400 points, ended July 22, 98 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1024 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITE MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Kathraina.
650 points, ended August 15, 459 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love, Honest, Be Creative by Jamzine.
450 points, ended July 23, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Want Criticizim? Take A Look by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended July 28, 70 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites :) Yes, as many as you like, but hell this wont be simple. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended November 3, 1093 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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I can really feel the emotion in this piece, the darkness, the sadness. It is really written well here. I wish to thank you for sharing this piece. And thank you for entering my contest & good luck.
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P: you really provoked emotion in this piece and the rhyming for the most part was able to flow quite perfectly
N: you didnt really explain the whole story you just told a section/proportion
Suggestion.
Her sobbs and cries
Were for her loved one
He had met his demise
Now, he was gone.
to me this read a little off and corrupted the flow of the poem
i just dont feel one and gone rhyme.
thanks for entering -
very good discribling words..
*favorite part-Her lonely corspe laid! amazing!
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Very good job with this piece.
I can feel the sorrow here. Great imagery and flow here.
Bravo
♥ Kate -
Quite good.
I loved the flow of this poem
Dark and twisted write.
Love that.
Thanks for entering
Good luck darling! -
Very dark, however quite cliche. I liked this though. For some reason, your words just scream at me. I really liked the rhyme scheme and meter to this. Great job, and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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dark and depressing, it has a good flow to it, i love it! it's not like we can just pretend things like this don't happen anyway
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This is a sad poem, it reminds me very much of a girl a know. Though she's not met an end like this poor souls.
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Once upon a night
In a dark and empty bed
She wept to her pillow
and Away her heart bled.
amaing beginning.
Very, but an excellent write. -
Impressive
That was way better than the Christmas poem. It rhymed very well and had good flow.
Some advice, try proof-reading more. The typos are distracting. I would replace "Were" with "All" in "Were for her loved one", it would sound better in my opinion.
I would also get rid of "Now he was gone". I know it rhymes with "one", but it would sound better with out that line.
Anyway, good poem. Again, I love the rhyming here.
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I only have 2 rhyming poems! this one and ice and dark!
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Ah, another weak point of mine. I have no idea how to critique poems that don't rhyme. D:
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i learned how to critique all kinds of poems! it is different critiquing a rhyme poem and a free verse poem, but you will get use to it!
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It's just that I don't know anything about free verse poetry (before today, I didn't even know what it was called Dx). I'll just stick to rhyming.
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I rhyme every now and then, it just depends on how i feel
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Great write I really liked this Awesome flow too
Thank you so much for entering and good luck
-♥Amy♥ -
That was amazing! Usually when people write about death/ suicide it sounds really fake and unrealistic. Yours sounded more real. You are really good at making the words flow together.
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nice!!!
holy crap!!! that was sad, in a really cool way!!! Kudos for you -
Incredibly sad but extremely well written.
A great show of emotions and fear.
Pain and sorrow.
Excellent! -
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Thanks for your beautiful comment but i am not a good writer at all! but thanks again for the great comment
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I really enjoyed reading this,although Its really sad, and I really can feel what the person is going through!
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thanks for the comment! i am not a really good writer so it means a lot
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:)
wow this is really good...this is like me all most every night but i cant get myself to do so..i think it cuz i think of my loved ones the ones that hurt me and the ones that have not yet..this is really good dont stop writing
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This is so sad. I felt the emotion and the deep pain. I loved this poem even though it was sad. I also liked the rhyme sceme and the imagery. All and all fantastic write. Thank you for this entry.
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petty good
understandable, -
so much for your poems are arent tht good ,,
its perfect and i dont kno what tht person was talking bout it didnt do it for them there off in la la land hahaah
ur a great writer
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Thanks but i don't think i am a good writer! my other works are not as good
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this peice took a very different turn to what i expected but i liked it . sad yet true for so many, and so many cn relate
thanks for sharing
kmp -
First off, I'm very put-off by the random capitalization. Second, sobs is spelled with one b, not two. And third, I said in my contest description that if rhyme was used, it had to be used right. This poem has lines that just don't flow off the tongue very well. And I'm not trying to act like an expert, because it's very difficult to write rhymes that flow well and I can't do it very well either. I'm sorry, but this poem just didn't do it for me - the rhyme wasn't great, there were spelling and punctuation mistakes, and the story was a little too cliche for me.
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Its a good poem, very sad.
I can understand how she'd want to go and be with her lover.
I hope you come back and write for us again -
It was awesome
I didn't see that coming for a minute there! She actually committed suicide! I like the ending part so much! She was actually so sad that about the lost of her love that she committed suicide! I wish I could write poems like this!
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You do not wish to be able to write poems like these! all my poems call from my heart, no matter how dark or lovely they may be!
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You write amazingly. Ever word is put together with so much meaning and emotion. I can relate to it a lot. I love it (:
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Thanks and yeah this poem is something that is straight from the heart so it is filled with emotion!
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wow.. this was perfect. i wish you didnt stop writing but you definately have gone out with a bang.. this one easily is my favorite.
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oh wow i like this one!!! reminds me of myself actually.... allthough i never tried to commit suicide!!! only thought about it!!! :-> :-< :->
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I have tried once a while ago, but believe me don't even think about suicide, it is not worth it!
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Kira65
i know that now!!!! lol after several therapy sessions i am good!!!!
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sadness
That was so sad. But I sort of liked it.
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I am glad you liked my last post here for a long time! i might just write one more i can't decide
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Oh I see. ^-^ Well I like it and I think that you should do anouther poem. Lol
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That was a great poem! I like that it explained in detail why she was commiting suicide and didnt just explain HOW she committed suicide. Very original. Good job
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not bad thats awsome actuallty XD its kewl but emo much? just saying
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I get what you saying it is kinda emo-ish you should look at my first poems!
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I really love it. u r super gifted
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I am not super gifted...... Just lucky!!
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and gifted. Am older and "hopefully" wiser, so, dnt argue with me. LOL
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You are older and wiser, but i am not what you think i am! i am just a normal person that one day decided to write a poem and it came out great so i keep writing!
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We'll agree to disagree. How about that?
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Well then there it is! we"ll agree to Disagree!
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