She sits down holding her heart.
She tries to breath, but her heart aches.
She won’t speak or listen to a single word we say.
I start to see her tears rushing down her cheek,
Her hands move towards her stomach as she crouches herself together.
I see the pain in her face, the worry that hits her soul.
I stand there as everyone starts to shout.
"Move out the way"
I don’t move, but look at her,
Right in her eyes.
She can’t see me, her eyes are closed.
Someone gives me her phone.
I hold on to it tight.
I ring her parents,
Her aunty, any one I see.
I stutter and start to panic.
My hands become slippery and
It gets hard to breath.
I run outside, waiting for them to come.
They have to save my friend, because she deserves their saving.
I start to realize my tears and smudge them away.
"She’ll be fine," I tell myself,
But I’m crying because it’s all my fault.
I didn’t once take her seriously,
Not once did I think she was very sick.
Until it was too late.
I look behind me,
A pond full of confused little ducklings, all waiting for their mother.
I start to shake and I’m not able to catch my breath,
I remember the very day I stood at this school,
Shivering and unable to breath..
A contest entry
- Your Favorite Poem by Mr..
412 points, ended June 30, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ..Memories.. by Antebellum.
550 points, ended July 14, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
It hurt...
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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WOW! u've been through some things that put a scars on ur heart. each scar has made you a stronger person, a stronger poet, and a beautiful woman
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;(
This one is very sad. But the way you wrote this is very touching.
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Really good!
Wow you are an awesome writer! This poem makes me feel emotion!
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'I run outside, waiting for them to come.
They have to save my friend, because she deserves their saving.
I start to realize my tears and smudge them away.
"She’ll be fine," I tell myself,
But I’m crying because it’s all my fault.'
This is sad. Its amazingly written though. I love that part. It's the strongest of it all.
thanks for entering,
good luck.
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'I run outside, waiting for them to come.
They have to save my friend, because she deserves their saving.
I start to realize my tears and smudge them away.
"She’ll be fine," I tell myself,
But I’m crying because it’s all my fault.'
This is sad. Its amazingly written though. I love that part. It's the strongest of it all.
thanks for entering,
good luck.
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This is so sad!!
But well written.
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I can relate to this kind of. This was a great poem, I can't believe you think all your poems suck. They are all very very good.
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See the pain and hurting in this one I can relate to much better right now. The anguish bleeds right through your words in an almost terrifying way. Strong write.
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wow... this is so sad. It kind of made me feel like I was there; I could defaintly feel the hurt ;I This is just simply amazing though. <3 I really like it. All the lines are very emotional and well penned. Great write.
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I think a few of these sentances are too long i.e too many syllables compared to the others which ruins the flow a little bit... Just a small obsertvation of the layout of your write -- nothing that can't be worked on
because she deserves their saving-- it could be worded slightly better
This poem is AWESOME-- I can see how much this hurt and I'm wondering if the girl you're writing about suffered maybe with an eating disorder that killed her in the end or maybe made her very very ill.... because this reminds me of things.
.. just wondered
welldone and keep up the work xxx
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wow this poem makes me want to cry!!! u wrote it si well i feel like im there, brava!!!!
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Wow.
Your style is much different than mine. But a good line is a good line.
- They have to save my friend, because she deserves their saving.-
That dug into my heart a little bit, gotta say.
Good stuff.
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he sits down holding her heart.
She tries to breath, but her heart aches.
*too much repeition of heart, use imagery and not cliche. Holding her heart is mildy cliche.
She won’t speak or listen to a single word we say.
I start to see her tears rushing down her cheek,
*use diction and a thesaurus
Her hands move towards her stomach as she crouches herself together.
description?
I see the pain in her face, the worry that hits her soul.
imagery?
This needs imagery and emotional words to make it powerful right now the storyline has potential, use this as an outline. Then write with imagery.
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Freakin' awesome. Great work, really good story. Sort of inspiring in a way.
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gee poeople drop around you like flys hit with mortien.. arghhhh better call 911 im feeling something wierd myself its a.. oh it was just wind phew thank god enjoyed the work here but i thought you were going to say it was a dying duck not a mate from svhool very interesting read peace and love glenn
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This is beautiful and flows really well, i hope everything is alright and that this poems brought tears to my eyes. Really well written, i really enjoyed reading it.
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i really love this altho i do not know the story b hind it i can still feel your pain
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Nice
I like this poem, it takes me to a new dimension, i can feel your tears, and her anguish. thankyou for gracing me with this read.
blessed be. xXx
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wow.... this is very emotional and very deep. its extremly powerful... i just... LOVED it! seriously this poem is awesome. very sad but very very deep. seriously u have talent here
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holy shit-takki mushrooms
damn, you are deep! this is way better than ANY of my poems!
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