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Awakening to Reality

Killing the silence after a storm,
Denying the inevitable.
Alone we fight ourselves,
Watching our lives collapse.

Falling through life,
The endless obscurity,
Not quite here but not quite there,
Treading on eggshells,
Broken, we start to see.

Youth lost in a hopeless dream,
Caged by society’s laws.
Separated, segregated,
Identities sold to survive.

Falling through life,
The endless obscurity,
Not quite here but not quite there,
Treading on eggshells,
Broken, we start to see.

Alone we scream,
Passion is desolate, forgotten.
Behind our masks we decay,
As we drag ourselves through another day.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Kathraina gold member
    July 21

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    Sometimes waking up to reality is a really hard thing to do.
    I know it hit me like a bag of bricks
    Fantastic job with this piece, the concept here is relateable.
    bravo




    ♥ Kate


  • Ativan
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Okay I am going to be harsh but only because you did a fantastic job:
    The repetition of the stanza took away from the poem however if they are lyrics then I say okay, it makes sense. The point needed to be focused sharper. People need to feel the pain, not just read through another poem. This does not give the reader a significant enough feeling.
    Now on the other hand, it was a fabulous read. Treading on eggshells is one of the best parts. Cutting the silence after the storm. You have the words, and the ability. All you have to do now is get the reader emotionally wrapped. It does in a small way but not well enough. Despite that, it truly was a good poem.


  • ChunkyC
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really good piece. I really like the chorus I guess it would be? The repeating stanza. It speaks volumes. I love the way it's worded and the way it flows. It's really good. I love the ideas you've mentioned in this poem, for they also speak volumes. Really.. Good job here.

    -Alone we scream,
    Passion is desolate, forgotten.
    Behind our masks we decay,
    As we drag ourselves through another day.

    I especially like this stanza. It really sets a mood for "we are alone." I like it. Good job.

    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest :]


  • DancingRed
    June 14

    Edit | Reply
    A powerful piece; you've expressed some great ideas. I think more needs to be written about this topic - there is so much we poets can say about the wiles of modern society.

    "Killing the silence after a storm" - your beginning phrase is quite awesome. It's strong, yet stretches the imagination just enough to intrigue the reader and leave us wanting to read on. Great word choice. Each word is powerful by itself, and yet the whole is greater than the sum of its parts - the line has definite wow factor.

    The phrase 'separated, segregated' works excellently as well - alliteration and repetition of the disconnected idea lets the line flow nicely.

    As for critique, I don't really care for the repeated stanza. I realise you've listed one of your tags as 'lyrics', so perhaps it would fit better when sung to music, however as a poem I don't think the repetition adds anything to the piece. Without the repeated stanza I feel your piece would come across as more succinct, powerful and refined.

    While most of your other lines have strong images, I feel the line 'Not quite here but not quite there' is lacking this. It doesn't seem to add very much to your overall poem - I'd consider removing it, or rewording it somehow because a poem wants every line to bring something powerful to the piece.

    I love the eggshells image - perhaps you could have built further on that image, mentioned it again in a similar way to reinforce the image.

    I like that it's not rhyming, and the varied stanza lengths works well with this. It's so refreshing to read free verse.

    Let me know if you edit this piece and want me to comment again.


  • T.S. Wilkins
    June 6

    Edit | Reply

    Great

    I believe this is a very accurate viewpoint of life for a lot of us. My favorite part of your poem happens to be the third stanza, because it is a special truth that stands out, and is bold. Wonderful poem. I enjoyed reading it.


  • lovebeat
    June 5
    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome! You have a very strong voice and are an extremely passionate poet.


  • Bright Lights
    June 5
    Edit | Reply
    Very powerful poem.
    I love the last line.
    Great write !

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