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my small world of mommy

eyes once pulsing wonder
now lie
shattered like glass

first contact was a tumult of fear
rendered lipless
Uvula in frightened
heightened
space

spiralling down to rejection
longing, wanting your love

my small world of mommy

I sought
trying to fix me

for you

Tell me where is the right and wrong in feeling?
you used those words in your softer moments
tell me, you said warmly

and then you left me
with the wonder of what is wrong inside of me

In my child    agreement, i thought you true
not knowing outside of black and white
nor life of other hue

into adolescence
without possibility of acquissence
hoping for salvation
in linear god
a god of should's, could's
a god of wood

I excel in self-delusion
wishing and wishing and wishing
you!
all good

I searched for a three this morning
One being open ear
Two being open heart
Three being willing to fruit
the real

but i fail at the third.

my heart tires
my mind is a pyre
my body; fire

of shame

eyes once pulsing wonder
now lie shattered like glass

within my small world of mommy




    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

  • liveddog gold member
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Isabella,
    I found this to be a moving piece. It brought me in touch with a deep saddness about your journey in life.

    I love the way you address the the different stages of your life - pre-birth, birth, childhood, teenage years and your current life as an adult woman.

    These opening lines blew me away:
    "eyes once pulsing wonder
    now lie
    shattered like glass"
    You convey total destruction in your use of the image of shattered glass - emotionally this was very powerful for me.
    These opening lines also state quite graphically the theme of your poem.

    I felt tearful on reading these lines:
    "in my child agreement, I thought you true
    not knowing outside of black and white
    nor life of other hue"
    Today I am so pleased that the monochrome life of childhood did not destroy the great hue of your creativity. You seem to have used it as a source for your wonderful writing - that is the sense I have of you, is that correct or not?

    I could identify with you totally about your search for god - I also was left with as you brilliantly write:
    "a god of wood"
    These words are so simple yet carry great profundity!

    Your search for 'three' is most touching:
    "One being open ear
    Two being open heart
    Three being willing to fruit
    the real"
    I then read with great sadness this line:
    "but I fail at the third."

    I see you differently Isabella. What I do know is that your poetry is real, because it comes from your heart - a place of great integrity. You have modelled that for me which has been my inspiration and motivated me to write - that is the fruit of your contact with me!! And then there is the fruit of your poetry that you share with us all on A.P.!!

    I wish you that some day your body will know freedom from shame, or that you can experience times or moments being free of this terrible legacy.

    Finally, the title ia absolutely amazing:
    "my small world of mommy"
    I sense there is very little room for anyone else in this small world - even for you? I can only sense, albeit not necessarily know, the extreme loneliness, hurt, and shame of this world.
    In the saddness that I feel deeply upon reading this poem I can only wish for you that you will some day live in a world that is bigger than
    "(your) small world of mommy"
    Incredible writing!!!!!
    Warm wishes,
    Liveddog.


    • isabellacohen
      June 6
      Edit | Reply

      thank you

      thank you for your thoughtful, wonderful! and emotional response.
      your words are full of empathy,

      thank you!
      best wishes,
      Isabella