i guess you could say i want you dead -
but only so that i could feel alive
for a day, for a few minutes,
maybe
because i've been dead
for quite awhile.
it was a quiet death
(i said quiet, not peaceful)
& the autopsy felt no need to report
whether it was homicide, suicide,
or a combination of the two.
what did it matter, really?
dead is dead.
& you never did believe
in reincarnation,
so i suppose i should just get used to
being a corpse.
so far, i can't stand how limp i am.
back when i was alive -
whenever that was -
i used to think that at least i was strong
to some extent
& that i could bear to live another day
without you.
but now, oh now...
of course i know
that you keep skeletons in your closet
& ghosts in your pillow.
& that you sometimes wish you had someone
real to hold, instead
of your haunted memories.
why won't you bring me to your bed
so i could be your body pillow,
& never hurt you again.
but i know that, if you stay alive,
you will still get backstabbed
until you can't stand back up anymore
& then i'll still be there for you:
we could share a quiet death.
once you're dead, pain is a relative term;
if i say that i want you dead,
it's for your sake, so you could be happier
than you ever could be
with me when we were alive.
Author notes
Inspired by:
"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses."
- Randy K. Millholland
A contest entry
- trust is blue in the mouth by autarky.
1800 points, ended June 30, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I love how you kept going back to the same idea throughout the poem. there's probably a poetic term for that.
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Once again I find your work to be outstanding. Somehow, your words go right through me into places very deep along the way. I do not know what it is about your writing that does that, I only understand that it touches on my feelings in a profound way.
Excellent.
Garrison
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This is fantastic! Oh hun
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It is a terrible place to be when you feel that all you do is hurt someone you only want to love...
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This such an amazing piece of work. I don't know how well the title fits the poem, but it is what made me click on it. I agree with swampbird's comment. I was able to overlook any problems with flow because of the essence of the poem itself. It drew me in and held me there. You have received some great advice here, and if you decide to take it and clean up the poem a little here and there, I think it will be even more amazing. Inspired by:
"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses."
- Randy K. Millholland
This quote really wraps it up nicely. "if i say that i want you dead,
it's for your sake, so you could be happier
than you ever could be
with me when we were alive." And the ending is nicely done.
Good job
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wow. the ideas here blew me away, to be cliche. some of the lines are just amazing, like the opening few. this didn't flow in a way i prefer, but the essence of the poem more than makes up for it. thanks so much for entering.
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interesting piece, so much raw emotion here.
I would definitely suggest renaming this piece, the title you have now doesn't really do it for me. that's just my opinion though.
Focusing on the piece itself, I think that you should take a second look at the way you have spaced some of your lines.
I feel like you could space this in another way to a) improve the flow and
to really bring out some of your more powerful lines.
For example, the last line,
"if i say that i want you dead,
it's for your sake, so you could be happier
than you ever could be
with me when we were alive."
here's how I would space this:
"if i say that i want you dead,
it's for your sake,
so you could be happier than you ever could be
with me
when we were alive"
this is just a suggestion, obviously it comes down to how you want it to read.
Another thing, I feel like there are a lot of little, unnecessary words throughout the piece. maybe if you were to go back and read it through a few more times, you could eliminate some of these words and really improve the overall flow of the piece.
For example, "i used to think that at least i was strong" here, 'that' is unnecessary and it almost sounds awkward next to 'at least'
Anyway, sorry for the long comment, I don't mean to ramble.
Axel Gold
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dont listen to them
DO Not change the title at ALL ! it is perfect ! made me click it to read ..... -
Verry Good !
I get it .. and no your not evil ... but i would like to say that if you added the word " just " into line 16 so it would read like this " So I suppose i should "Just " get used to " . Dont ask me why but when i read it out loud to my lover who is older and close to the end himself , i read the word Just that wasnt there yet ,,, I feel this pain for real in life ,,, and no you are not evil .
we all want the peace that comes at the end .
Thank you for being brave enough to speak it out loud .
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thank you very much for the comment and suggestion, that does work better for me too with "just" in there. I hope that things go as well as they can with you and your lover.
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Very good !
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this is really really well written! your descriptions are really appropriate and your cynicism very fitting here: it was a quiet death
(i said quiet, not peaceful)
i thought the whole thing was a little too long, like maybe if you spaced it a little differently it would be more eye-appealing. just a thought. good write =]
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I love the concept of this piece. I like the ideas involved, and you worked very well off of the prompt. The feel of this was completely unexpected for me, despite the title. Which brings me to my one and only suggestion: change the title. Make it better, because this poem is amazing, and the title isn't inviting enough to catch attention. I think you should make it shorter or more poignant. Other than that, this is a great piece. You did a wonderful job, and good luck in your contest!
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Thank you very much for your comment.
In truth, I did struggle with the title and am not really content with it as is, but had no other ideas at the title so just posted it. Thanks for bringing it up, I will keep musing on it.
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Hmm, maybe you could try something like "Best of Intentions," along those lines somewhere?
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