The new day dawns and your eye rises in the west
Red and burning to swallow the sun
The great star rages and in violent death
Sears your brow and spears your breast;
O look at what your crime has wrought
Look what burns above black clouds of hair
An angry star in glory shines,
A golden crown triumphs there
The old days fade and bleed into a crimson sky
The girdle of the cosmos unbound
For the blasphemous nimbus of savage light
Names you falsely deified;
O look what shame your pride has bought
Look to the star that you would forsake
For by the light upon your brow
Will your sainted halo break
Author notes
Because I thought to make my own light.
A contest entry
- I want the best and only the best. Enter. by forbidden-colour.
700 points, ended June 5, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please be honest.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
the flow was nice but i couldn;t quite get what your overall message was the imagery was a little shady and that might have been why i didnt quite get it
-
Could follow it but the imagery was difficult, better to have a defined flow and point to the words. Describe each player in the story so its easy for me to connect the imagery.
-
I admit to..
..being somewhat flabbergasted by the comments of your other critiquers, and, in particular, the last.
"One the best poems I've ever read," he/she writes so grammatically ineptly.
All I can say is that he/she has led an extremely sheltered life!
Not that it's bad, by any means, it's simply not in that category - not anywhere CLOSE ; in fact, a million miles away!
Having said that, I find it a little obtuse, and I don't really LIKE obtuse. For me, it had little or no meaning.
Now, I suppose you're going to blame ME for not being able to read something into it - but why SHOULD I?
In one of your replies you say you want us to find OUR OWN meaning in your words.
Well, I'm sorry lass, but I think that's a load of bunkum!
It's not as bad as, though verging on the "I just wrote what came into my head" comment we regularly get from (especially) teenage American girls!
Pertinently, your rhyme scheme of ABCADEFE which you use in the 1st stanza, is not repeated in the 2nd stanza ; unless, that is, you incorrectly believe that "sky" rhymes with "deified"!
To summarise, not a bad effort IMO ; though I would have preferred to be able to understand it.
One last thing - does the sun rise in the west where you live?
Regards,
A Simpleton. -
oh my god, this is a wonderful poem. It has a lot of emotion packed into it and the metaphors are really fantastic and original. The poem has a very nice smooth flow and this is probably one the best poems I've ever read.
-
this is so beautiful. its so powerful. really well written. i love it!!!!! very deep. ver good imagry. i particularly loved the second verse, but the whole thing was spectacular. it made me speachless lol. really really good =]
-
this is so beautifully powerful. i really enjoyed reading.. especially here
For the blasphemous nimbus of savage light
Names you falsely deified;
you truly know how to use your words to your advantage, and that's exactly what it takes..
the only thing you might re-word is
O look at what your crime has wrought
Look what burns above black clouds of hair
An angry star in glory shines,
A golden crown triumphs there
its a little confusing. but good write, overall. i really enjoyed it
-
I really enjoyed the strong visual imagery in this piece. It reminds me of the myth of Prometheus (suggested by your A/N) as well, though I may be reading too much into it. And yet...without reading the poem with the myth in mind, I struggle to pin down whether it has any literal meaning. Meaning or no meaning, it sounds impressive and lyrical, and was a pleasure to read.
-
-
I don't think you are reading too much into it by mentioning Prometheus. While I had a specific idea in mind when I wrote this, I deliberately chose words that I thought were not only beautiful but vague--I really want the reader to find his/her own meaning in my words. I am glad you enjoyed my poem, and thank you for the applause.
-
-
I really like the usage the sky and stars in this piece, it's quite beautiful and the diction is spectacular as well.
the only thing i would point out is you used the words 'red' and 'crimson' in there, those words are quite common perhaps a synonym like 'carmine' .
congratulations on the trophy
-
-
Thank you for the suggestion; I am always appreciative of new words. I am glad you enjoyed this.
-
-
Thank you for entering.
I will be, don't worry.
I liked your usage of some old language, though this should have been consistant through the piece. I did like this, it reminded me of a song called "The noose" by a perfect circle.
You will be considered for the finalist list.
-
-
Thank you for your insightful comment and the trophy; both are much appreciated.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
