i.
never will I be able to see sparks of wonder cage your eyes again, nor your smile in ever-after sunlight.
you used to whisper "don't break, anneliese, it's not worth it." I didn't understand the meaning woven between the folds of your faux-happiness.
but I do now.
ii.
you were like multiplication. every time you spoke, people gathered around; the air warmed and poetry escaped the stars.
no one understood how we clicked. we were like pieces from two different puzzles-- you were the fairy queen's left eye and I was betrayal flipped on its side, hungover with new aspirations that made the moon dip into darkness with shame, but you hung onto me, and I you; it became too hard to let go. we were seamlessly cemented together with laughter and friendship.
iii.
we fought that morning. viper tongues bit poison into each-others bloodstream and placed misery into swollen clouds that hung inside our eyes like tears.
but still, we held on. we couldn't release each other from the space between our hearts and our souls.
iv.
I can't believe you did this...and I can't believe I missed the ransom-note warnings that laced your words and actions.
v.
as I lay in ribbon grass, I cannot help but wonder "why you?"
you kept dreams alive, purging beauty into ordinary people who's place in life was nothing more than time consumption. you dove colours in black-and-white hearts and wanted nothing in return.
you were a flightless saint, but nothing could stop you from helping people.
vi.
I'm sorry, but I'm tired of my ceiling echoing the silence of you not being around anymore. I can't be alone and find myself for more than fifty seconds without hearing your name creaking from the stairs, or without "it's your fault" being shoved into my face by tornado winds. I already know all of this.
you shouldn't have gone, because when you did, the world emptied and relinquished itself to a black hole.
it should have been me.
Author notes
RIP Amanda...
This was editted numerous times to the point where it went from freeverse to prose, back to freeverse, and back to prose. I don't know if I prefer this one, more than the first one posted, but I definitely do kind of like it. I'm just sorry that I might not have gotten the emotional part that I was feeling thrown into it because I'm not really all that great at doing that, haha. I'm rambling now so I'll just leave you to comment 
.
[I am so going into the bottom 4 with this XD]
^ or not
W o v e n _ L u l l a b y
In a list
- Comments group list • next in list
A contest entry
- X Factor 2: Round Four (Top 8) by sideways hourglass.
700 points, ended June 8, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites Preretites Prewrites! by pain is love..
560 points, ended June 13, 72 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the asylum rounds;; auditions. [do you have what it takes?] by heavenbird.
800 points, ended August 6, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teach me how to write prose by Oh.My.Juliet.
700 points, ended July 21, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - To Be Put On My Favorites List by Ted E Bare.
400 points, ended October 15, 249 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - big bang prewrite contest round 1 - 3 by serenity silvermoon.
1800 points, ends December 12, 507 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
shred it.
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
I think your "emotion" was still very much illustrated through a tone of sadness. I think we all may have been in situations where death was caused by misfortunes. I know I felt it. Congrats on your trophies. I want to thank you for your entry into the following contest: "To Be Put On My Favorites List."
Ted E
PS: Your entry has been blessed by the three wise clappers, but don't spend the whole nine points in one place(lol)!
-
wow this is so well written
thanks for your entry and good luck -
Excellent emotional imagery, so gripping. Brilliant line "we were like pieces from two different puzzles-- you were the fairy queen's left eye and I was betrayal flipped on its side". Congratulations on the trophies!
-
yes
-
powerful!
to say the least...this is an amazing poem!!!
-
yes.
please wait for the other judges comment. -
Wonderful write. And what do you mean you might not have gotten the emotion into your piece. I felt joy and sorry and grief. If that is not emotion then I do not know what is. You metephors were fantastic. I usually do not read poems more than once but this one I did. I love the flow and they way the poem pogresses sad and happy intermingling. My favorit lines
never will I be able to see sparks of wonder cage your eyes again, nor your smile in ever-after sunlight.
So beatufuly pened. Thank you but you did say shred it so I will have to find something that could be improved apon. I feel that vi the last paragaph or stanza or what ever it is did not flow with the rest of the poem. It did not seem to have quite the same flavor as the other parts of the poem. But other that that I loved your poem. It made me sad but in such and beautful way that I smiled. -
this is beautiful.. oh so beautiful...
-
-
Thank you Joyce
-
-
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 99 - X Factor
There was a lot of imagery in this piece, some worked more for me than others. For example, "ribbon grass" added nothing as opposed to "the fairy queen's left eye".
All and all though, very well done.
~Genie~ -
100 X-Factor
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 10/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 100 - X Factor
-
102 X
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 10/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 102 - X Factor
I agree with Tyler. I had shivers for virtually the whole piece. I knew I saved the right person for the top 16.
-Cassidy
-
100 - X Factor
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 100 - X Factor
This was heartbreaking. In my opinion, your best so far. You put your heart into this - and it shows - and you used the imageries to enhance your message rather than to cover up your emotions. I loved it, truly beautiful writing.
-
Okay, sorry I didn't get to this last night, my internet went poof like, RIGHT before I went to get back on to read it.
"you were like multiplication. every time you spoke, people gathered around; the air warmed and poetry escaped the stars."
Love that line. Don't change it. At all.
In the first paragraph in iii. I don't think you need the "out" in "hung out inside our eyes like tears" It just seems unnecessary to me.
"soul" needs to be plural.
"ransom-note warnings"
I love that.
"ribbon grass" not so much.
"flightless saint" AMAZING. Wish I had come up with that.
And no, it SHOULDN'T have been you. -slaps-
This is beautiful... a great tribute to Amanda, really. I can't really think of anything else to critique other than what I posted here.
This really is great, Ann. Love it.
♥
Tega
-
-
Don't worry about not coming back to read it; i editted it completely ~twitch~ so I'm glad you got to read this one instead
Thanks for the critiques/grammar issues. Let me borrow some of that for the elimination round I'm probably going to be in yes?
~winces from your slap~ T_T;
Thank you Tegan I'm glad you liked it
-
-
I find that the first stanza was a bit listy, other than that I enjoyed this immensely.
-
Ah, dear you do not know that. O.O
-
-
yes i do O.o you're going to annihilate me this round.
-
-
I am actually quite fearful of you.
-
-
you shouldn't be. Good luck!
-
-
bahumbug! can't wait to see what you write. good luck to you too.
-
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
