and so she took three sips of
'i don't give a damn'
as the liquid weighted
static fingertips into
the floorboards.
it was one in the morning
and one in the evening
because even clocks lie
and boards break and
sometimes you've fallen
and you don't even
know it.
this is because you cry.
this is because i almost burned
and almost left and almost
loved you.
this is because
you almost
wanted me to.
you are a robin and i,
a crow-
but sometimes i have no
feathers and only
oily pink skin and
pin-laden claws that
kill things
just to kill.
i do not fly or make a sound,
i only break things because
it's better that way-
it's better when things
are dying because then
i don't feel so much like
what i am.
Author notes
things change.
it's the feeling i get when i'm in my car.
i see people like me driving alone down the same roads.
their eyes closed.
things change.
my stomach will hurt, my eyes will burn;
i just have to live with what i have.
hands. break my hands, if i reach again. hands. break my hands, if i reach again.
Credit: Owen - When the morning light wakes me
A contest entry
- favorites only; individual prompts by winterbound..
625 points, ended October 11, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [no title for now] by whiterabbit..
500 points, ended June 16, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Aegis of Heimdel Auditions by adsaige.
530 points, ended July 17, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES WANTED by echo-ink.
700 points, ended August 5, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites only! prewrites i haven't commented on. #2 by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended August 30, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 49 of 49
-
the third and last stanza made me ache. i love your writing because in a way i can relate to everything you write.
sorry for my sucky comment 3 in the morning and slightly brain dead
-
-
thank you so much.
-
-
p.s.
-
I love phrasal labels, so right off the bat the image of sipping "i don't give a damn" appealed to me. However, "static fingertips" seemed a little... random to me. Is this because one of the characters is down on the floor crying ("as the liquid weighted
static fingertips into
the floorboards.")? That's what I envisioned reading it a third time, but the word "static" threw me... maybe just:
"as the liquid weighted
fingertips into
the floorboards."
The images are lovely, but I noticed several details that seem extraneous.
First stanza: why "three?" can't the speaker just take a sip of?
Second stanza: what's the relevance of the the clocks? Is this a metaphor for time being uncertain?
Just some question-suggestions. I really did love this though: it hit hard and I felt the impact.
"this is because you cry.
this is because i almost burned
and almost left and almost
loved you.
this is because
you almost
wanted me to."
....killed me. -
yes
judging for aegis now [be afraid... dun dun dun!!!]
yes. of course.
-
Thanks so much for entering.
[if you end up in the finals I will comment better]
-
this poem is SO famous!!! i love it. so so so so much.
you are amazing. truly so.
your talent makes me flabbergasted. it really does. what i don't understand is how you draw from within your heart to just WRITE that. oh, my god.
amazing...
-
-
thank you so much, it means alot. :]
-
-
this is even more amazing when i read it myself.
-
-
lyk thnks 4 ur cemmnt it meens alawt to no u lyk my stuff i right
-
-
Gorgeous!!
-
Yes.
Most definitely.
-
Way yes
-
Yesyesyes.
-
This is so brilliant and original. I adore it. The images you create are just wonderful.
The last stanza is definitely my favorite. I'm absolutely in love with it. I can really see how talented you are at writing. I can't think of any constructive criticism to give, only compliments.
x
-
-
thank you so much! :]
thank you for bronze! -
-
you're welcome
You definitely earned it.
-
-
-
This is so great I love the lines
i do not fly or make a sound,
i only break things because
it's better that way-
it's better when things
are dying because then
i don't feel so much like
what i am.
I think you should have capitalized the I's. Thank you for your great poem! -
its not fair how brilliant this is.
I am so jealous, it's not even FUNNY.
ugh grrrrr if only i could write like this..... sigh
-
-
aw, thank you so much. :]
-
-
Very nicely done. Your word choices are great and imagery is awesome too.
Best of luck and thanks for entering
Kate -
I fucking hate you.
Jesus christ.
"and so she took three sips of
'i don't give a damn'
as the liquid weighted
static fingertips into
the floorboards."
could you BE any more brilliant???
REALLY, ANGELA??
I almost didn't want to comment on this because I'm so jealous and petty and resentful of your talent.
But the sheer beauty you have here is so hard to ignore, it would be a disservice to everything good and beautiful in the world if I didn't love this poem.
incredible, stunning, you have no clue.
-
Omggg, this honestly gave me chills! I loved it so much.
The beginning was perfection.
Secondly, I also loved the comparison/contrast of him being a robin and you being like a crow. Just brilliant! =D
I also loved,
"i do not fly or make a sound,
i only break things because
it's better that way-
it's better when things
are dying because then
i don't feel so much like
what i am."Such an intense and powerful phrase; I love the emotion you captured in those lines and I am sure many other people (especially girls) feel this way.
I am definitely bookmarking this. Please don't ever stop writing
-
Interesting imagery and fantastic use of repetition. Personally though I prefer when capitals are used for proper pronouns like "I" and at the beginning of the verses at least. Still, it wasn't a bad piece.
-
wow.
it's better when things
are dying
and the repetition SO worked.
-
i love the last stanza. like lovelove.
i know i don't comment much on your stuff but i want you to know that i think you're a gorgeous poet and that you should never stop writing. ever.
<3 -
-
thank you. <3
-
-
I think you has some really interesting "jumps" in this piece. You have the first two stanza with abstract images, then a really raw-emotion section and then the last three stanzas were a metaphor on its own. It made it really interesting, just when I thought I could predict the rest of the piece, you changed it up. Love the emotion and the metaphor in the last bit. It feels really raw and gripping. Awesome work!
-
stanza two = my heart. you've honestly made that stanza so perfect i can hardly believe. my envy for you seems to never end.
you are a robin and i,
a crow
-i love the formatting of this. it seems a little different to what you do, but i love it all the same.
pin-laden claws that
kill things
just to kill.
-! O.o
-
I always love everything you write darlin; I don't think you've written anything bad ever - highly doubt you will
This is proof of that; the strength in the imagery and emotions is tale-telling and makes me want to read this over and over
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
-
Thank you for entering!
"static fingertips "
I see these two words used absolutly everywhere in prose, I think if I read the word static again Im most likely to virtually murder my computer!
A nice write, not particulary what I was looking for as I stated I wanted Metaphor
x -
so I saw this on your page, then slapped myself for not adding you sooner just brill, love.
Jeanette*~
-
-
thank you so much. <3
-
-
the imagery placed in this piece was so well done the metaphor add alot of emotion and the mind set was stunning
-
this was lovely.
I turned off my music and stopped everything else I was doing and read it out loud. nice.
and goodness, so emotional!
-
well done
-
oh shit. this is amazing.
one of my favourites by you. no joke, I loooved this.
the imagery is so powerful. this entire thing is incredible. wowowow. I cannot get over how talented you are.
-
You have a unique voice and style - almost theatre of the absurd stuff - where logic fails and order falls yet there is strong communication of theme and mood. I found myself empathizing, feeling at one with the narrator who prefers isolation and death as they protect from the bitter pain of disillusion and rejection. Interesting work.
-
sigh...i get so frustrated when i read your stuff!!
it was one in the morning
and one in the evening
because even clocks lie
and boards break and
sometimes you've fallen
and you don't even
know it.
aaugh!! I want to be able to write like you!!
-
Wow! that was amazing and the authors notes only added to it's power. I am truly jealous of your abilities
-
-
thank you so much, that means alot. <3
-
-
added to my list of all time favourite poems on ap. and that's only the 6th one, so kudos kudos
absolutely gorgeous and heartshattering.
chin up,
swim.x
-
-
thank you so much, that's an honor. :]
i'd love to read the other five. -
-
1. http://allpoetry.com/poem/5383227
my earth spins faster than yours; my light is cognizant by Asa.Rose
2. http://allpoetry.com/poem/5298541
ivory. by aanika [dont read if you dont want to cry]
3. http://allpoetry.com/poem/5184609
Casey and Caleb by still.she.waits [absolute, all time favourite write]
4. are najji's titania
and I can't find the 5th one
will look for linkness later.
-
-
-
hands. break my hands, if i reach again. hands. break my hands, if i reach again....
my nickname use to be crow or raven.... now i understand why,,
-
amazing....
utterly
painfully.
you're a fantastic writer.
sometimes you've fallen and you don't even know it
kill just to kill
Adding your comment:
1 - 49 of 49
