she grew up between cracks in
the sidewalk - tied her hair up
with ribbons, tied herself into
knots - slipped and fell down the
stairs once and tried to make
something beautiful out of
her bone fragments
spiders strung their webs across
her bedroom window - colored lights
in her eyes - jewelry - lip gloss -
nothing real, fingers trace
glow dust into patterns; life was
all just a game to her
danced into her electrical outlets, she
spiked her blood and sipped wine and
blinked in even numbers - she did not
even have an identity anymore; everything
was the music, everything was
everything else
one day painted herself onto
the bedroom wall - stuck with glue -
living wallpaper - plastic dresses
and eyelashes smashed together -
she never comes out anymore - just
stays locked, holding herself in
she barely understands how to
breathe on her own anymore
Author notes
I honestly don't know where this came from.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Excellent poem.
Crafted well. Enjoyed.
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that second stanza is my favorite, and all of this is beautiful.
you are really talented. i'm adding you to my favorites.
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i love the ending. and this:
"tied her hair up
with ribbons, tied herself into
knots"
it fits so well with the first stanza. it seems like you said the word "tied" more times than you actually did, like a never-ending sequence. i love it.
......i didnt realize i commented on this already. but here is a more in depth one, i suppose. -
YES! Thank you! I have been trying to write something like this for a while.
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Wow I really really like this. I'm not positive where the name "metallic" came from but either way I really like this piece. I could totally imagine this whole thing in my head, I really liked the imagery you used.
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There is so much pressure on kids to conform to standards and styles that are considered normal and such. It is easy to see how they can lose themselves to the expectations of society. This is an excellent write...should be required reading for all 13 year olds.
Peace
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WOW. no wonder they're taking this haha. now I have no idea why mine is even being considered haha.
the third stanza is amazing. I really like this one, your imagery is stunning.
ps. powerful ending
♥
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the ending of stanza one has an eminent power over the rest of the preceding lines
tying up in knots & the summary of stanza two proclaiming that life was just a game seem to be although good lines in progressing the story you have here, is something that is often put in to stanzas by writers less capable of the brilliance you consistently provide.
so i agree with audriana partly. what i liked about this was the specific items mentioned as if the poem was a shopping basket in ways
wasn't too in to "she did not
even have an identity anymore" either
but your ending line was a brilliant closure it had such a vulnerability and dependent feel which appears to have been the forethought of this poem -
I love how the way the lopsided line breaks add to the disjointed feeling of the whole piece. I normally go for pieces with more grammar, but I think the point you're trying to get is made better by the lack thereof.
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Geez, I love how fragmented and broken this all sounds. It's almost like a broken ladder making her way up from the cracks in the sidewalk.
Brilliant!
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she grew up between cracks in
the sidewalk
-that line is the ultimate description. there will be english classes discussing that line.
she
spiked her blood
-i adore that.
what else is there to say?
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i like this.
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to me [and this is only opinion] this is not your best.
but i do like the fact that you don't know where it came from ha. it has a great frame of mind, but the way the metaphors overlap each other is a bit odd. it seems like you were trying too hard. i feel if you cut out a few things such as the first stanza, maybe replacing some things? i don't know don't listen to me lol i think im trying to hard to comment well. either way, i was just observing. keep writing dear <3
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she grew up between cracks in
the sidewalk - tied her hair up
with ribbons, tied herself into
knots - slipped and fell down the
stairs once and tried to make
something beautiful out of
her bone fragments
-wooww.
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this is brilliant, though you've already been told.
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