My body's starting to convulse.
I can feel it in my sternum.
It started suddenly and softly at my shoulders
Shaking my arms until my fingers and wrists trembled
As useless as jello sticks.
Its slimy fingers reached my waist,
Gently taking hold, coldly jiggling my core as if it were
Negative 30 degrees inside of this room.
Next it lunged at my hips,
Racking them so hard my ankles could not be stilled,
Then suddenly it stopped.
But just as quickly it reappeared,
Repeating the process in much less time
Until finally,
My chest caved inward
Allowing these ravenous, trembling shakes
To loosen the one bone holding together my very core.
Author notes
A work in progress.
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A contest entry
- prewrite conest by serenity silvermoon.
1500 points, ended June 12, 429 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive criticism plz
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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some great phrases in this great piece
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Great write, I love the mystery of it- the reader doesn't know if it's a mental thing or a physiological issue...very well described, I'm just not sure about this stanza:
''Negative 30 degrees inside of this room.''
something doesn't seem right about it but I can't tell what * confused *
the last lines were fantastic:
''...Until finally,
My chest caved inward
Allowing these ravenous, trembling shakes
To loosen the one bone holding together my very core...''
I'm also not very fond of the structure you used...if you want to keed the empty lines between the stanzas then maybe you should try to align it to the center, it would look better I think
good job
take care
Suza
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You have pulled the reader into a fear filled world.
Each line drew a picture so real for the memory to
keep. The ending was really good...take care.
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really good
hmm... kinda abstract... i like this a lot!
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Thanks
!
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Allowing these ravenous, trembling shakes
To loosen the one bone holding together my very core.
wonderful ending. -
I like it the way it is.
convulsions suck. D:
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