Crying doesn’t help when this life gets it wrong –
falters, stutters, falls into
more inevitable failure.
I can’t get you right.
Winter, sharded hope was born, briefly tottered
on uncertain legs, stepped hesitantly towards
the you dream I refuse to fade away.
Formed futile feelings, brief inadequacies to plague
eternal hours drowning in the frustration of
never leading us quite there.
No matter how hard life kicks its imagination,
infant desire refuses each small death,
spreads finger thin roots deep before
emerging into the light of our uncertain fate
and the fact I didn’t see you.
Author notes
sadly true
Comments
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While the alliteration in line eight is well done I also think it is overdone; with the wordplay enveloping the focus and stretching out the line needlessly. Almost to act as a filler for the technique usage. There is backbone in this poem, but, from my perspective, it seems that there are too many filler words which effect the cadence in a negative manner that doesn't justify their being there. As for an inclusion I suggest removing the filler words and using the "camber" as an image within the poem to play as a metaphor, instead of being so literal and direct. But that is just my little opinion.
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Misty
A misty poem that searches
amidst the fog of life's uncertainties
with seemingly many regrets.
An interesting take on the prompt.
Nice work
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this was a very good poem. very true about life.
"Crying doesn’t help when this life gets it wrong –
falters, stutters, falls into
more inevitable failure. "
this was my favorite line. it really makes a great beginning to this poem. keep up the good work and good luck in the contest. xoxo RoseRed92.
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Loved it.
Now the edit. There is a lot of teetering, tottering, faltering, stuttering and stepping going on here. Just somethin I would look at. Toward never towards. Not a word. If you want more input, let me know.
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good job on this very truthful and sad fact of life poem.
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