Stop, stop
I'm calling you to see
If I am lost, staring off into the sea
the waves crash
and I don't think I can dream.
Stop, stop
I'm capsized and floating
I think I'm gone, never to return safely
the lights fade
and I don't think I can breathe.
Stop, stop
I think you're hurting me
Six feet under, I still fear your thoughts of me
the worms feed
and I'm falling back to sleep.
What does this mean to you?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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AWESOME, MR!
I love how you ALWAYS express yourself in sorrow and joy.
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AWESOME OF COURSE
LOVE INSPIRES, BUT IT REALLY BITES, TRUST ME, I KNOW! -
The imagery and emotions are superb. Very sharp writing.
Very gripping. Loved the last 2 lines. Excellent.
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First pass...
Take out "If" whole poem is concise action and the if is questioning action. Take out all the "and"s this poem has a punch to it but the "and"s slow it down..
Good write
IM -
wow...great write,Imagery is amazing here....I loved the whole piece ,but the last 4 lines.....were my favoriate....BRILLIANT WRITE!!!!!
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Hmmmm... This is interesting. It almost seems as if you are talking to the sea itself. Did you intentionally only rhyme the first stanza? The last one kind of rhymes, but not in the same way. It's odd that when people think of sleep, they often think of breathing, and dreaming. Yet here, you cannot breathe, or dream. You can only sleep the endless sleep of death...the one thing that we can't really stop, I suppose. "Six feet under, I still fear your thoughts of me." Now there is an intriguing line. Most would say that love goes beyond death, and here you use fear instead. Very thought-provoking. Well done. I would look at that rhyming scheme, though. I'm not sure if you want it consistent or not, but if you intentionally did it as it is, please let me know why. I'm curious. Thank you very much.
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Thank you for commenting! I love it when you grace my page.
I have to be honest, I delved into the macabre in this one. I just wanted to capture the infinite power of fear (most point to love). I feel as if some souls never forgive or never are able to rest even in death- they are haunted by the hurt, pain, and mistakes of their once waking lives. You always have a good eye.
As for the rhyme - well it's really scattered and intermittent (on purpose). I mostly went for rhythm of the poem. The 2,6,11,3,7 gives the poem a slight up-and-down motion kind of in likeness to the sea. Or the worms in motion to devour. Yep, all is intentional. I liked it that way. Hope you did too! Cheers
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I like this piece a lot. It's short, concise, and full if images and emotions. I love how it comes in waves, the stanzas. Each swelling and then pulling into some sort of desperation.
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grooooossssss... but awsome write. the end was something i think about a lot.... so im choosin cremation lol. but this write was awsome. nice job. the flow was great and the imagery and sensation is great.
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Wow...the imagery...from well and beyond...kinda creepy at the end, but point well taken. Clever write. Blessings.
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The end is my favorite too. sometimes the darkers stuff oozes out of you when you write. hmm
Thanks for stopping by and for commenting. Cheers
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