age 05. 1998.
she thinks people follow her.
she looks over her shoulders
every twenty-seven seconds, exactly.
the puzzle pieces just don't want to fit.
it has been a year since
the first time she was abused.
age 10. 2003.
she's friends with everyone
and excels at school,
especially math and reading.
boys still have cooties
and adults are still worth respect.
age 12. 2005.
she still sorts her M&M's by color
and is frightened by the monsters
under her bed and in her closet.
her father drinks a lot.
her mother could never be there.
she makes new friends,
and becomes unpopular at school.
she is scared of everyone
and everyday is a struggle.
she quits swimming
but is still the smartest person
in her math class.
age 14. 2007.
she starts to become depressed
and misses so much school
without falling behind.
she hattes who she is.
age 14. 2008.
she gets the idea of cutting herself.
it's tempting.
age 15. 2008
it's her fifteenth birthday
and she cuts herself for the first time
with a pair of kitchen scissors
in her upstairs bathroom
a month later, she thrusts her wrist
towards her mom and screams
-->i need help
through the tears.
days later, laura tells the school,
and she loses all her friends.
she is alone.
last semester of freshman year,
she starts to fall behind in school.
she is diagnosed with depression,
anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia.
may. memorial day.
she overdoses on long, bright pink pills,
trying to kiill herself for the first time
(and certainly not the last)
she has a security guard assigned to her
in the emergency room
and is evaluated and released.
she doesn't go to school the next day.
no one asks questions.
july.
she tells her psychiatrist
that she wants to hang herself,
take the easy way out.
because nothing else is working.
she is committed to the psych ward
but it's okay because no one will miss her anyway.
she meets her first boyfriend there, charlie.
and his saccharine smile and warm embrace is all she could ever ask for.
he is a drug dealer,
and was under house arrest for breaking and entering.
he is the second man to physically abuse her
and she is knocked unconscious by him twice.
she still has the burn mark on her left shoulder
from where he tried to set her on fire with his lighter.
she has the summer of her life
in the month of august.
age 15. 2009.
she is sent to a partial hospitalization program
and while there, she overdoses on her geodon, on purpose.
she meets people there who, to this day,
are still there for her like no one else has ever been.
she misses nine weeks of school
and falls in love.
age 16. 2009.
her parents lock up the medication now,
so she gets the idea to drink cleaning fluid.
she tells her parents and is kept safe.
she cannot take driver's ed
because she is deemed too much of a risk.
she spends her sixteenth birthday in the hospital,
just trying to recover.
it has been exactly one year
since she started cutting herself.
she is happy in her relationship
and for once things are looking up.
she finally stops cutting
herself after over a year.
she put down her knife for him
but there's a catch.
he loves her more than anything,
except his friends can't find out.
she is an embarrassment,
he is ashamed of everything about her.
she is not beautiful,
she is not smart,
she cuts herself,
she is not something to show off to his friends.
so she agrees to let him keep their relationship a secret.
she agrees to let him emotionally abuse her,
and indirectly tell her she is not, and will not, be good enough.
he is the third man to abuse her.
she feels worthless.
she overdoses on her dad's blood pressure medication.
she is hooked up to a machine in the emergency room
that takes your blood pressure every seven minutes.
she is not medically cleared until midnight.
the next day, she spends throwing up multiple times.
this is her third suiicide attempt.
she is sick of being abused.
she gives him everything,
and loses her innocence to him in her backyard.
later, she finds the strength to break up with him
because she is finished with men walking all over her.
her parents don't allow her to see him anymore when they find out.
she gives him his precious bracelet back
that he gave her for her birthday.
she's only taken it off once before,
when she got angry at him.
she goes to junior prom as a sophomore
with the sweetest person she has ever met.
she wishes she could love him.
why can't she?
why can't she let herself be happy?
three weeks later, the first day of june,
he sits next to her in english class
for the first time all year.
she still loves him.
her best friend says she has no patience for her,
she has no one.
she is alone.
she is abused for a fourth time, seexually,
by a man who's name she doesn't even remember.
he lets her hand fall
when she tries to hold his
just like she's fallen so many times before.
he lets her fall
today she sits under the stairs alone,
listening to dan and ori make up melodies
on their guitars
and writes about her life.
her name is ashley.
this is my story.
Author notes
you need that boy like a bowling ball dropped on your head--which means not at all --superchick.
my autobiography i guess.
A contest entry
- Tell me your story in a poem by Isolatedsouls17.
900 points, ended June 4, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE ME FEEL YOUR PAIN by angelfalls.silently.
490 points, ended June 6, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Oh my god, this story almost made me cry. i loved it. Absoluetly GREAT!
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thank you <3
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wow, amazing. i hadn't read any of your poetry yet so i thought i'd read one and this is incredible. great write.
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My goodness this is such a powerful autobiographical poem. It really touched me and gave me such an insight into your life-it's just amazing. Thanks for sharing that with us.
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This is so powerful and amazingly raw!
Wow
writingfree -
This is one of the most heartbreaking, inspiring, real, and beautiful rough around the edges thing I've ever read. You amazed me.
All the best and keep your chin up.
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thank you so much <3
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Anytime. Talent deserves recognition.
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oh my, this made me ache for you.
you're a brilliant writer my dear.
I hope you're feeling better
and I'm ALWAYS here to talk if you need to.
it's also beautifully written.
♥
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oh......wow
good rite..... who am i kidding... AMAZING WRITE! I FELT THE PAIN! I COODNT STOP READING! AMAZING! amazing.... thanku for entering my contest -
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thank you so much!
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wow...very beautifully written...thank you for sharing your personal story, and good luck
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ashley you are amazing, you are strong being able to put this up, showing your life, opening yourself up, this is my favorite poem, it shows how strong you are of all these things you've faced you've won youre still here, you're still fighting!
i really like the superchick quote, you don't need a boy you're amazing without one
but..if you want you could have onebut really you don't need one, you can be yourself and be the amazing girl you are without a boy by your side
i love you sofucking much, never forget that -
this is personal, raw, and amazing.
all the things poetry should be.
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geez, ashley.
you might not believe me right now, but you're so strong to still be here. things are looking up, and i believe in you so much.
i love you.
and how courageous you are.
i will always be here for you.
no matter what.
<3
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Oh Myy,
I didn't know you had been through so much dear.
This was so...brave.
And strong of you.
You're always telling me you wish you could be more like me...but hunnii I wish I could be brave enough to throw everything out there to the world.
I'm very proud of you and I want you to know I will ALWAYs be here as well.
this was so unbelievably amazing. <3 -
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thank you <3
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Amazing...<3
confessional with grace.
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thanks risa
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you're welcomeeeee<33
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this is sad.
and ... I guess, I feel stupid saying I'm sorry you've been through all this because it seems like such an insignificant comment.
You are brave, though... for still being alive, for finding strength... and for writing this all down.
I'll be here for you if you need to talk. About anything. -
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thank you <3
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Oh wow. I don't even know what to say, except...
Thiswassofuckingbeautiful.
I honestly started to cry as I read this. Incredible powerful and intense...and I wish some of it wasn't true :[.
I am ALWAYS here for you, and you deserve the absolute best. I'll always be your friend =]
I love youuu, stay strong.
~~>♥♥♥♥<~~
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thank you, i love you a lot <3
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