And the birds and the bees fall,
One, two, three,
leaving gaps in the dark blue sky.
Without a single sound,
they hit the ground,
never to fly again.
As the holes in the blue
turn to stars in the sky,
we'll wonder where we went
we'll connect the dots,
that mark our lots,
and hope for the stars to shine.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I've read a few of your other poems and I notice you tand to place commas before some of your descriptions, as you do in here:
"we'll connect the dots,
that mark our lots,"
Both of these commas are unnecessary, and for me they just break up the flow. I would consider removing them. -
Harsh! I mean the sentiment. Hoping for the birds and bees to fall from the sky. Nice construction though.
I'm personally a bit confused about the line 'we'll wonder where we went' and how that fits into the overall theme of the poem. It certainly adds to the desolation of the piece but I don't know, I sort of like the simple idea I get from the imagery of the birds and the bees and the stars.
Sorry I'm not very good at the constructive critism thing, I find it hard to find flaws, everyone I know who writes writes so well, including you. This is excellent even if you don't change a thing.
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Contrustive criticism isn't possible from me, you're amazing as ever, Ola.
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