hawthorn: ' mid green hawthorn stems
young and tender petals fall
-but ripe fruit follows
There was a time when the world was wild and young,
when men moved with the freedom of the wind through the branches
Where were the borders?
They were the rivers and the seasides.
Who were the agents at the douane?
They were the fords and mountain passes.
Wild steeds were in men's dreams at night, just as in their evening songs.
mountain ash: more for flys than bees
but sour flowers draw eyes
to hidden treasure
Then came a time , with innocence lost,
the winds ceased to stir through the branches.
The rivers were dammed;
the seasides guarded
by douaniers and agents
with their Tasers and metal detectors.
But men at night still sang of wild steeds and ran with them in their dreams.
lilacs: at the window lilacs
their souls have crept in the house
dwelling in each room
New births come: inevitably.
Freedom is reborn each time:
a longing in hearts that,
if the trickle is allowed to flow as a stream,
it becomes a river;
a sea defying those who would try to restrain it in their hands.
For the children of men will always dream and sing songs of wild steeds.
Author notes
Ultimate Cricket - Round 1
Prompt Poetic Crusade.
Art: White chess board "Play It With Trust" by Yoko Ono, 1966.
Photo: Amilie Héon from the exhibition: "IMAGINE: The Peace Ballad of John and Yoko".The Montreal Museum of Fine Art, May 2009.
In a list
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I think this is very good. You've done things with this poem that I've not seen in any other write. The poetically worded "clipart" in the middles of the larger stanzas are unique and add a very grand character to the write.
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thanks, steve!
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I found this quite ...
intriguing. Not at all my usual favored type of poetry, but intriguing nonetheless.
Good luck with your writing in the future.
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NOTE: All comments for this round will be written by me as B Chandler is still suffering PC troubles. However, I am currently collaborating with her via phone for judging and comments. How comments will be a joint one for this round.
After reading we have come to agree that this piece has a mono- tone feel to it which brings forth a very subtle point to the reader. Although it does not have a heavy slapping impact it still delivers a sting.
Scores:
B Chandler - 88
Celticmoon - 89
Overall score: 88.5
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Thanks for your generous appraisal!
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This piece has some very interesting setouts. I really love how it flowed in so many different directions but always kept the path it was meant to. Your description of the defining paths that followed one another was truly amazing. I think the innocents you described has long gone and we all now wreak the rewards of our past's. Okay, so i might see a different idea than what you actually meant, but i am wondering what the chess pictures means. I looked at it and regarded it as being the prime direction of all our lives. Meaning, if you make the wrong moves...you lose. Regardless, this was excellent.
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I really like the white chess board: "Play It With Trust"
I think part of its intent was the notion that you can only play the game to its end with a spirt of cooperation between the two players rather than competion.
I find it a facinating metaphor for a war (which chess largely is) where all the participants came to the realization we are one human race and that all those on the battlefield are brothers rather than antagonists...
Na·ive·té? I'm not sure that most people don't already feel that way.
Thanks for your kind comments, "Condor"!
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I really appreciated the structure of this, very thoughtful piece of writing. Fine indeedy.
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thanks!
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I notice you have a lot of great reviews on this so far, one that even says flawless. Well I am not going to tell you this is flawless because it is not and I know you are about to hit judging soon so I want you to have the opportunity to fix what is wrong before judging. Check out this line dear:
if the trickle is allowed to flow as[ a a ]stream,
you might want to correct that because I am sure that is a typo.
As for the rest of it... awsome... I love the mix of stanzas and haiku, very creative and probably will give you a leg up when it comes to judging. Your words are very descriptive another plus on your side. You should do very well in this round. I wish you the best of luck. Suzi
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I take "flawless" with a grain of salt...I'm married; my wife is vert indugent with me but, she's never used "flawless" as an adjective in my reguard!
Thanks for your other kind remarks and giving me the heads up on "A A"!
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Hawthorn tree's just give me such a magical idea of them, this is beautifully wrought C
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Thank for you kind words. I'm surprised that you know of hawthorns "down-under".
They are lovely and untamed looking. Her in eastern Canada they seem to grow in any corner of country or town that get forgotten and fallow. -
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Just spent some weeks in Ireland, couldn't help but be taken with the Hawthorn tree's and the stories about them
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They let you people ouy of 'Strailya now? I thought it was a penal colony or something!
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lol yep we got leave passes
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Well good on ya's...just don't spoil it for yourselves!
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flawless
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Thanks...!
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