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tea and insecurity

~~~

 

Insecurity.

 

It lurks

threatens every thought

I can fathom.


Wakes me with a kiss

and with duplicitous panache

stirs bittersweet introspection into my tea.

 

Derisive laughter heralds its presence

an un-winnable battle ensues.

 

Nothing good can come from scuffles

with feelings such as these.

 

shake it. just shake it off, and yes your words DO matter. 

 

Bullshit.

There isn't a lick of talent inside your addled head,

even if there was,

who could possibly care?

 

Why waste valuable time? energy? emotion?

 

Artistic expression doesn't have to be anything but what it is. . .

 

What artistic expression?

Who're you kidding?

Why pretend?

You've nothing to offer of yourself or abilities,

nothing.

 

I succumb to the doubt, why fight it?

 

What's the goddamned point of it all?

 

Come defeat,

mount my freshly expired assurance 

place shiny quarters

on stifled senses.

Morgana le Fey's payment

for the ferry ride to Avalon.

 

Malevolent self-doubt has once again

prevented even a glimmer

of personal acceptance to survive.

 

Self-satisfaction refuses to emerge.

 

I give up.

 

Fuck it,

I should

just learn

 

 

to play music.

 

~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 62 of 62

  • aeolia
    July 15

    Edit | Reply

    yes

    ...and in this line -- "derisive laughter heralds it's presence" -- "it's" should be "its" because you meant it to be possessive.


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    I love it dear! Yes!!!


  • adsaige
    June 20
    Edit | Reply

    Yes.

    The voice is without a doubt rich.


  • ReachingForStars
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it.... unfortunately, I am too sleep deprived to tell you why or how much... I will come back in the morning, I promise!!!


  • L1l1um
    June 17

    Edit | Reply
    I loved that the struggle with insecurity is as if you struggle with a seperate being...great imagery.


  • penman gold member
    June 17
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Wow another amazing write. You are always such a master at your words. Thank you for sharing


  • Luna Moth
    June 4

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome. The rant was so blunt and powerful, yet you still wrote eloquently. The inner most thoughts of a poet written beautifully and honestly. Well done.


  • SummerlandRayne gold member
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    I wonder how many poets have a write such as this hidden away in their journal? This is one of the most vividly honest rants at the inner poet I have had the pleasure of reading. You write such beautiful and blessed words...I for one am glad you continue to write. Thanks for sharing this.

    Blessed be~
    Az


  • decode
    June 2

    Edit | Reply
    "stirs bittersweet introspection into my tea."
    love that image.

    this is interesting and easy for one to relate to.


  • DolceVito gold member
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant, Jin, I'm keepping this one


  • La Mer
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    I can totally relate to this. I feel like that a lot. My only thing is, I do play music and I always feel like I'm wasting time

    It's a very good piece.


  • whitecoffee
    June 1

    Edit | Reply

    Noooo!

    Dont let that inner betch win! She's so weak and really an illusion My fav part of this was..Artistic expression doesn't have to be anything but what it is. . .and the word panache...love your work


  • rollingzen
    June 1
    Edit | Reply
    'analysis, paralysis'


  • GothicFyre
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    Blimey mate, I loved it. Also the fact that the last two lines were great for me (as a musician, i always look for more people to join the ranks). Great poem.


  • Cup-a-Joe
    June 1

    Edit | Reply
    Inside of your head is just as pretty as a sun filled day.

    Joe


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Superb Plus

    'tis a very fine write, with strong feelings and emotions expressed with which many of us, I'm sure have experienced. Thanks for sharing this one with us.


  • delightfulmess silver member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Wow so powerful...
    You really spilled some energy into these words.
    You are amazing.




    Love,
    Delila


  • Dalaney gold member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    i come to you usually at night when i am enjoying my forbidden cig, my forbidden glass of brandy, and marking off another day on the calendar...i come to you to read life poetry, and you never fail to give it to me.  I have seen you grow so much in your writing this past year and it is thrilling, my friend.  Love, Lane

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      just look at me cross-eyed today and I burst into tears.
      Coming from you, my Lovely Lane-your words mean the world.
      Love back to you. Always.
      Jin


  • Angel w o Wings
    May 31
    Edit | Reply
    "Come defeat, mount my freshly expired self-assurance"

    Man, thats the fuckin way you do it. Says soo much in mega folds. Killer line JJ!! Bye.

  • Angel w o Wings
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Well, look what we have here, another poem about abnormal and inferior complexity about one's own ablity... Ahhhh.
    Just Fucken with you JJ!!!!
    I for one have taken up every instrument I can possibly get my hands on, (cause thats how I roll...) and I'm still miserably addicted to showing everyone just how clever I really am. You better fucken believe it, buddy!!! That's right folks! I'm a poet, whether anyone likes it, or not!! (bare with me, PLEASE!!! I'm REALLY stoned, right now... and I can't really see anything coming good out of any of what I'm saying or trying to say...) Cause I CAN, BITCHES!!!! Na, Na.
    This wonderful, kind, and spirited poet is my big Sister. She got SKILLZ.She loves to catch someone slippin' and put'em in check, just for the thrill of it all. And laugh, AH, MAN she loves to laugh! When we were kids (teenagers), we would sneak outside and smoke out. We would fucken laugh for hours, and about stupid shit. I miss those times, soo much. Sorry everyone, but I miss my sissy, and my beautiful nieces!!
    I'm really happy and thankful to the spirit above, she found her way here. She needed this for her her great big imagination demonstrate its massive power for all to gock at. She represents all that is real in poetry, and Ya'll know it too. Don't ya? YEAH!!! Don't front people, I'm past all that, in LOCOmotion, Fuckin SEE YA!!

    DAMN, that shit was gooooood!!

    Oh, yeah, I almost forgot Jin, the poem was really cool. Loved It!!!

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      I love you little brother. You crazy damned stoner you.
      I love you so much, and I miss you so much. Damn it, you made me cry AGAIN.
      then you made me laugh my ass off.
      Nobody like a little brother to make a girl laugh like that
      You're the cat's pajamas, know that? The girls miss you and love you, and we'll get together soon, I promise.
      Jin


  • Pure Thought silver member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Walking on the edge
    of self-doubt and hatred,
    the arists waver
    between being torn
    and abject loathing
    of good we may create.

    My solution is to use the third person, splitting my personality if you will. I am not the me who creates, it is my muse, lol that way if there is a screw up meh... my muse is to blame... lol.

    It is slowly beginning to work. Don't know how sane it is... don't care.

    You are as good as your friends say and as good as you wish to be.

    Later,
    Buddy

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      My solution is to use the third person, splitting my personality if you will. I am not the me who creates, it is my muse, lol that way if there is a screw up meh... my muse is to blame... lol.


      Thanks Buddy. I think I might try that.
      Love,
      jin

  • adsaige
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Who the heck told you this? I sincerely hope no one told you this crap mama. Because I gonna have to go there and kills them, yes I will. You are brilliant. And your insecurities are...falsely planted.


  • deercatcher
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Music...
    It exists only in the moment; while the words sit and distill truer over time. Music every time they are read. Music is good. words are better.

    The glimpses you have shared with me of your life, It is a rational response to your history to be insecure. I really want to say something here that matters; and I think best to relax, and speak of what comes to me. You are talented; even to the point of being intimidating. You have a kind, caring heart. You have a desire to help others, and to stay balanced. Your past grief, and conflicts will have consequences. this self-doubt is from that. Box it, ship it off somewhere. It was stamped hard into your head. Devalue the opinion that put it there. Be compassionate about what deficits allowed a mind to strike at you so painfully; but do not give those words any more power. Re program you self with love- love yourself. Pat yourself on the shoulder to go to sleep. caress your arms, and say what a wonderful, kind person you are. Notice the people around you who are struggling, and encourage them. You will plant seed around you that will grow a harvest that will be what you need. Give to others what you need. The mind quickly shifts repeated behaviors to habit; and leaves as much computing capacity as possible to face any moment's crisis. The way you feel is a habit; reinforced by the unkind words that continue to swirl in your mind. Calm the storm. Decide who you want to be. Avoid being unbalanced in your introspection; there are always hearts more damaged than your own you can help. And then work it long enough to replace the thoughts with those you want and need. It will take weeks of determined effort.

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      Ben-your comment made me cry like a baby. I seem to be doing that today.
      I always try and remember altruism is a great mend for a broken spirit.
      I spend as much time as I can working out everyone else's problems, believe me. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time spending time on me. I dont know.

      Someone else pointed out it was just narcissism at it's worst-another said it was just my egocentric need for attention. I dont know what it is, I just want it to stop robbing me of the good things that come from doing the best I can do.
      I dont expect accolades, or symphonies.
      Just the ability to meet a comment-or criticism without taking it or the person so negatively.
      Everything I do in my life is a product of who I am-I know that. And elsewhere, I do my best. When it comes to the kids, Im a good mom-I know that. Im a decent and caring nurse, friend, and daughter. It's not an elective thing though, not like writing. And I have no choice but to write. I HAVE to. My mind will drive me crazy unless I do.
      What I cannot fathom betimes, are the insidious doubts, second guesses. The inability to just say thank you, when someone says good job, well done. An end to the stifling that takes place when these feelings emerge. I am willing to own this problem now though, and face it head on. Thank you for everything you said, not many take the time to really look past the words and into the solution.
      Love,
      jin

      • deercatcher
        June 1
        Edit | Reply
        I thought about and wanted to add another huge point of view to embrace- gratefullness. When I was at my worst, I would watch the winds of war and war and rememberance, and console myself with the thot no one was trying to make lampshades out of my tatoos!


  • Desire gold member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Wow~

    The last two lines...Grabbed hard
    because I see ...just me now speaking for I get images that come and go like the wind~ but I kept seeing reference to Your verse in my Mind ~
    like music...
    touch deep to the Heart of being...
    I could be blind...
    and see Your words dance within the recesses of thought
    Hear You speak to me...even when deaf
    to other stimuli~
    I want to speak when mute...in response to Your Voice You may see Yourself on the ledge at times...but I see You soaring in the skies
    Love the line: personal acceptance to survive
    Bravo~
    Brings back a memory of a Mentor telling me
    What we believe to be...is up to me
    and how many children dressed up
    became a princess or fairy
    while an adult may call that silly
    yet to the child~ she is on top of the world...
    Happy- for that moment
    Soaring in the skies...
    becoming a twinkle in the eyes...

    Love how Your make us think-
    even when our Mind
    wants to fall back into the comfort zone;
    fall back- sometimes not for our own benefit

    You shake us awake~
    that is what I Love about You
    and for the record...
    You Look Mahvelous~ ink and all
    Thank You for sharing Your Heart
    Best wishes in all You do
    with love & light~ Desire~*~




  • honorable mention
    May 31
    Edit | Reply
    sounds alot like me lately babe.


  • Swangrnv gold member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Well, i don't know ..

    what to say to you that will suspend what i believe to be pure nonsense..you? not talented? you really aren't liking yourself are you? tell you what give me
    that amazingly creative mind, and tell me whatever drugs i need to duplicate your thought process and i'd do that everytime out..IN OTHER WORDS, LADY IF YOUR WRITES DIDN'T MOVE ME EVERYTIME OUT, I WOULDN'T WASTE MY TIME COMING TO READ CRAP..
    so in closing, please stop beating yourself up, and understand that you may be feeling bad today, but never speak in tones as if you've no talent, because your GIFT is so evident..

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply

      thank you my friend. I love you for that. This is something I deal with on a daily basis. Bet you never woulda thunk it, huh?
      As my hero Larry Elder says, "you cant go full speed ahead with your foot on the damned brake."
      He's right. I'm toughening up to face it head on. I always appreciate your reading, and if it's crap you always find something good to say.
      That's what real friends do for one another. Not trying to be a pain in the ass-just getting these stinkin thinkin thoughts out, and hopefully put them to rest.

      Just a method to my madness? blah
      love to ya.
      jin


  • Budart
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    One of the reasons artists tend to be such an insufferable bunch of ego maniacs is because you have to have a good deal of ego to keep making art especially in the beginning when you have absolutely no support from anyone except your mother, (and she is probably lying!).

    If you do take up music may I suggest the accordion. If people don't want to hear the poetry you can threaten them with the accordion.

    Good luck

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      accordian. I dont even have to learn to read the music for that instrument, do I?
      Oh-Im loving the idea. I can see it now, dragging my bulky case around, breaking it out at parties, graduations, hell maybe even weddings. Ya know, you have no idea what you've started.
      Any riots that ensue will be blamed solely upon you.
      Think you can handle the responsibility?
      lol
      thanks for the comment. You made me laugh at myself for once today.
      Love,
      Jin


  • tomisb
    May 31
    Edit | Reply
    Never abdicate to self-doubt. It will steal all the joy that living can provide. Do we screw up? Aye we screw up and if we are luck we do it magnificently. Does any or all of it make you unworthy? Only, if you declare it to be so. There are many of us, me for one, who feel blessed to have you in our lives and celebrate all the light you bring. I won't stop a good pity party particularly when you do it in such a grand and profound manner. But, the tittering you hear in the background is me. Sorry, I can 't help myself.
    Love,
    Tom B.

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply

      I love you too Tom. and welcome to my pity party, I hope you brought goodies. I've been wallowing in it so long, I've become very hungry
      So, that's the crux of it, see?
      My insecurity won't let me believe anything good you have to say. If I do, then these insidious aftershocks rumble. What could he POSSIBLY MEAN by that???

      Dangles the enticement in front of me, and when I reach, it slaps my hand back and chastises me for even thinking I deserve it.
      I know I'm not the only one who feels this-just getting my thoughts out.
      Muchest love and adoration.
      Jin

      • tomisb
        May 31
        Edit | Reply
        I do know what it is like and spent six years in ACOA 12 step meetings and the whole rest of the self-sabotaging melodrama. It is why I can speak so effectively to the whole pile of shit you guard like life itself. I also went to CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) for the first four years of its inception. It sucks. I am not living in perfection, nor are all my problems solved. But, I am living and dealing and not under the crushing blanket of self hate you describe. It is not insecurity. It is self-loathing. Do ACOA and CODA have all the answers. NO. But, they gave me a good support framework until I could start living. Truthfully, haven't been to one in 14 years.I have been your friend for many years. I ain't gonna quit on you now. Consider this an intervention.
        Love,
        Tom B.

        • JinSays gold member
          May 31
          Edit | Reply
          thanks my friend. You HAVE been my friend, and I am forever grateful. Whatever it is, I want it to stop. I will gladly do what it takes to make it so. There's this myth that I think I have to go through this self loathing to discover what it is Im not accepting, but so far that myth has been proven wrong.
          You know none of this crap is made up, you've been through many bouts of it with me. I dont pretend to know how to fix it, and it's not funny-despite the deprecating humor. I find I am stifled because of it, and it's killing ANY confidence I had. I might just do what you suggest, sounds like more fun than learning to play the accordian.
          Much love, and thanks again.

          • tomisb
            May 31

            Edit | Reply
            Here is a little source material. This is a description of the problem, as we called it when I attended meetings. Two or more fit. well... you know

            There are certain generalizations that recur in one form or another at virtually every group meeting. These perceptions are worthy of careful examination and discussion:
            Adult children ...
            1. guess at what NORMAL BEHAVIOR is.
            2. have DIFFICULTY following a project through from beginning to end.
            3. LIE when it would just as easy to tell the truth.
            4. JUDGE themselves without mercy.
            5. have difficulty having FUN.
            6. take themselves VERY SERIOUSLY
            7. have difficulty with INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.
            8. OVERREACT to changes over which they have no control.
            9. CONSTANTLY seek approval and affirmation.
            10. usually feel that they are DIFFERENT from other people.
            11. are SUPER RESPONSIBLE or SUPER IRRESPONSIBLE.
            12. are EXTREMELY LOYAL even in the face of evidence that the is undeserved.
            13. are IMPULSIVE. They tend to lock themselves into a course
            of action without giving serious considerationto alternative
            behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity
            leads to confusion, self-loathing, and la loss of control
            over their environment. In addition, they spend an ex-
            cessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.

            This list can be useful in a number of ways:
            • To again greater knowledge and understanding of what it
            means to be the child of a dysfunctional family and how this
            process evolves over time.
            • To use a self-help or clinical guide to working toward
            individual growth.
            • As a basis for discussion groups of ACOA.

            • JinSays gold member
              May 31
              Edit | Reply
              Well, that's me in a nutshell.
              Every one of these points outlined fits me. The lying-maybe when I was younger, I've since learned to not lie when it's easier to tell the truth, and Im not very sneaky about it. Everything else-yes. To a T.
              I guess Im not all alone in this, huh? Cause I was thinking even if I did learn to play music-how long will it be before this same problem stifles that too?
              Okay, enough. I must make mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes are magical, they have healing powers. And squash. Thank you for giving me this list-now I know where I can begin.
              Love,
              jin

              • tomisb
                May 31
                Edit | Reply
                You have my number and I am always a phone call away. You are never alone unless you choose to be. Don't ever hesitate to interrupt my day anytime you need.
                Love,
                Tom B.


  • Sweet Impatience gold member
    May 31
    Edit | Reply
    wtf are you doing in my head again. how many times have I told you to stop playing in there.. roflmao ahh so much so.. a place I know so so very well.. hmm internal struggles within the heart but mostly the mind. I really need to stop listening to my head you know.. yeah I want to so give up, but I can't or perhaps it's I refuse to.. I sat and read a 6 chapter story at 4am and found my muse lurking. It's hard to write when no longer in distress, how to write when one is happy.. happy killed the muse . personal acceptance that what I write might actually mean something, hard to fathom it really is you know. how does one write, when they can no longer feel the emotions like they once did when walking between the realms of both worlds. now totally in the light, no regrets but feel out of place. not sure if I belong here... haven't decided if I should stay, not that I have a choice in the matter.
    my muse was set free, so was I and the little girl that was so scared. now she is all grown up feeling lost, alone in some respects and still scared but for different reasons with ability that she can go far...
    honesty hurts sometimes, but it's a good thing to grow.
    so yep there she goes again.

    I love you Jin so very much


    kat

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      Was struggling with it this morning. I did what Steve told me to do, and wrote about it. It gave me something solid to work with-since it's 100% valid. Sometimes I sit and think WHY didn't I learn to express myself through music? With sounds, the feelings can be a little more ambiguous-or etched, and can be made to cover a variety of different emotions. I've been at this night and day for what? Two years almost-and Im still as insecure and scared as I was when I first started.
      wtf is up with that?
      So, I am thinking I will just quit arguing about it, and write it down.
      I cried like a big fat baby when I did, but then I felt I had at least given my poor dejected muse something to say.
      I love you too, very much.
      Jin

      • Sweet Impatience gold member
        May 31

        Edit | Reply
        my muse told me to kiss her ass.. she is now in control and I will do things her way or hit the fucking highway.. so I swore that I would never be controlled by anyone but dammit my muse is my muse and she is a part of me.. so does that make me look bad.. I'm controlling myself wtf... okay so I set the little bitch free .. we are in so much trouble now.. because she can be a wee bit flaky at times.. omg we've created a monster.. I tried to write about how I couldn't write and all I got was a blank paper staring back.. but yet I can write on the comp go figure.. little bitch that she is being and finicky too.. I love you very very much...

        sometimes a good cry is what we need, and you know maybe your muse was trying to tell you.. she did it her own way, loud and clear, she got your attention when she refused to cooperate...

        • JinSays gold member
          May 31
          Edit | Reply
          Muse. She's dead now, did I tell you? I wont miss her. bitch that she is.
          We had a funeral for her on my page. You could have sent flowers ya know

          yes, when this write was first revealed to me, my muse had even gone so far as to name the thing before it was even written. Ugh, I hate having to reassure good writers. Why cant they just shut up about it and write.
          This is what that got me.

          • Sweet Impatience gold member
            May 31
            Edit | Reply
            wtf???? my muse wont give me a title for shit what makes you so special.. that is so not fucking fair... LOL so are we in this together??? a bit ole party damnit Jin wtf is up with the appetizers, who was supposed to bring them, cuz man I'm friggin hungry roflmao... you want some coca cola, I took a can of soda from my mom's house.. just for you it's coke zero it aint got no calories ... you know what that's how I roll these days.. omg I even drink sugar free koolaid.. wtf is wrong with me omg an alien has invaded your sisters body...

            FUNERAL WHAT FUCKING FUNERAL??? WTF I miss everything and why am I always the last one to know about everything.. what happened to the announcement.. shit I missed that boat years ago.. stop feeling sorry for yourself no more pity party.... a party in general will work just fine.. I will make a promise to you that I will get off the pity pot right now... but only if you do it too.. .OKAY is that a deal????


            I Love You More Than the Sun in The Sky...

            my bestest best friend Jin



            kat


  • Raspy
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Great write

    That was bluntly expressed in brilliant play whth words and
    Skill.
    You'r an excellent writer.


  • coversheet
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    this makes me think of schizophrenia.
    it's a great poem. it's blunt and direct and expresses an emotion that i'm sure many people feel.
    the confusion and lack of self-confidence certainly translate very well. i especially like the use of different fonts. ;D

    a very interesting poem.

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      schizophrenia. lol, wish I were so lucky. At least that's a genuine medical condition. This unfortunately is not covered by insurance, and there are no meds to perscribe.
      blah, thanks for the comment, and the read.
      Love,
      jin


  • IronIcecream
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    a sidereal poem motioned by an exquisite side kick
    pass the writer block and inside poet's garther
    as if blowing a whistle would be less than blowing a candle
    the constant pampered need for recognition
    stirs the jam into jem and rustle into music


  • Emile
    May 31

    Edit | Reply

    Well Done

    Your words transfer their energy to this poem and establish the mood and theme of this piece, as one of disarray and confusion over you inner evaluation of life's purpose and absurdities. The poem uses unusual and subjective imagery to make a statement and is clever in its use. Your emotions and wit wrap themselves around your words and we are left questioning our perceptions of normal.

    • JinSays gold member
      May 31
      Edit | Reply
      Wow, what a fantastic comment. This poem is from the gut, so to speak-so I wasnt sure it would resonate with others. Thank you so much.
      Love,
      jin


  • poet2angels gold member
    May 31
    Edit | Reply
    You are so amazing...
    Versatility shows itself again in this powerful piece. Whether penning angst, love, or any other theme I could think of, you always amaze me...
    Bravo

    Lynda


  • lunarlunacy
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    the artists age old battle with self, very well done J.
    The use of different fonts for inner voices/thoughts/moods was effective.

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