Candy heart kisses and cool autumn days
Wrapped in brown velvet
In a sweet dreamy haze
A touch of a wing in a silken embrace
Pulls me in slowly
Time out of place
I feel my heart pounding, a maraschino tune
Encased in a moment
A brilliant cocoon
Silent I sit here, in metamorphic space
As hourglass sands
Make lines that I trace
Shifting and morphing, this butterfly me
Uncertain, unseen
Inconnu potpourri
Author notes
Picture Prompt:
http://media.photobucket.com/image/alice+elliot+shadow+hearts/ctina08/Shadow%20Hearts/Shadow%20Hearts%201/alice-art2.jpg?o=8
Sorry it may or may not fit the character in the pic, but I think this pic is perfect... it fits how I've been feeling lately, which is why my muse went the direction it did with this. Thanks for the opportunity to write about it!
Inconnu means "unknown" in French. Oo la la. ;-)
A contest entry
- Dead Heroine Pic Prompt by Heroesrox.
700 points, ended June 1, 5 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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BRILLIANT! But...
I just don't like it. The content was brilliant, but you need to work on the flow. Two claps, because I liked the content that much. 3 claps if the flow had been right. -
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I'm actually not sure what you are talking about. I read it aloud and I can detect no real flaw in the flow. I never count syllables though, so perhaps there is something different there. I write from the heart, not by force. Sorry you don't like my piece, but thank you for commenting.
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It is not so much that you need to consider you, yourself reading it aloud. You will naturally inflex your voice with emotion, and various pauses.
Let me quote you:
"Candy heart kisses and cool autumn days
Wrapped in brown velvet
In a sweet dreamy haze
A touch of a wing in a silken embrace
Pulls me in slowly
Time out of place
I feel my heart pounding, a maraschino tune
Encased in a moment
A brilliant cocoon"
In a written format, that means, you do not pause for a breath. Which was why I nearly died when trying to replay your poem vocally. Does that make sense?
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I don't tend to leave breaths when I'm writing. I like to hope that my readers will take the time to breath of their own accord.
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Sadly, I'm afraid it does not. Perhaps you should try reading it differently?
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So you want me to read it in my own voice?
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You could try, but I might not hear you, unless you're creepily closer to me than I suspect.....
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... Maybe.
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Look, what if I revised it for you?
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Creepy..... lol Sorry, I have a rather dry sense of humour.
Sure, I'd be glad to see what you're suggesting. -
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Candy heart kisses, and cool autumn days,
Wrapped in brown velvet,
In a sweet dreamy haze,
A touch of a wing in a silken embrace,
Pulls me in slowly –
Time out of place...
I feel my heart pounding; a maraschino tune,
Encased in a moment,
A brilliant cocoon!
Silent I sit here, in metamorphic space,
As hourglass sands,
Make lines that I trace.
Shifting and morphing, this butterfly me,
Uncertain, unseen,
Inconnu potpourri.
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Ahhhhhh..... so basically you're saying I need punctuation. Well you have a couple extra commas, but for the most part it looks good. I used to use punctuation all the time, but I like the freer feel that comes with the minimal usage of it. I leave it to the reader to decide where to pause; makes it perhaps more meaningful to them, as different people perceive things differently.
I like your edits, but I think I'll leave mine the way it is. Fits my strange and freespirited personality. But thanks for showing me what you mean. I understand now.
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Very nice and different take on the prompt. I like how you used the butterflies around Alice to make this. Very good work. Best wishes and thanks so much for entering.
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