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rose blooms

unfolding petals
pink veined skin against blue sky
my rose blooms again

A contest entry

interesting comments anyone?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Kappa Pyua
    August 4

    Edit | Reply
    I can see beautiful penned words, but the not a haiku. I'm not seeing the juxation-something being compaired with the rose that is similar and yet not.
    It seems like you have already gotten a lot of advice on such. But even if it not quite right the words are still beautiful and I can see the rose in my eyes.


  • Kevin Moderators member
    June 24

    Edit | Reply
    veins arent really pink, they're blue...
    and how can you see them against the skin, against the sky? stick with one...

    my rose blooms again
    pink skin against the sky
    waiting for a visitor


  • Verdeboy
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful imagery but...
    This is an example of trying to say too much in one little haiku in order to get to the unneeded syllable count of 5/7/5. I would try to simplify this a bit:
    pink petals unfold
    against the azure sky
    rose blooms again

  • angeldreams
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.
    It's a beautiful beautiful discription.
    I love to see a budding rose and you have made the experience ever more wonderful with your words.
    Thanks for sharing this piece.
    -Swati