I always knew we had fire,
just to see you smile makes my heart fly
I guess i also knew it could turn on me,
high flying makes for hard crashes
I knew I wasnt the girl that you'd dreamed of
but i guess i thought that love could make new dreams.
I have the audacity to lean on you
And what could kill the romance faster?
You said that i changed.
I guess facing the world alone
for so long
can do that to a girl.
You keep trying to paint me into a rose garden
And I'm feeling like picasso
Distort me with your brush until
whatever it is I really am
is missing from the picture
And through it all,
God help me, I want to be your rose
but I havent got any petals.
Author notes
I havent written in a long time, but it has always been theraputic for me.
I hesitate to post this because I dont want a bunch of personal advice, but I'm gunna do it anyways and hope it might be seen as good poetry to someone...
If I misspelled or you have some other advice to make it better, I welcome it. Line two about the heart flying seems cliche to me, but i dont have a better substitute as of now. Any ideas?
Comments
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Isn't that the way it is in life? We each paint on masks and go into relationships pretending to be what that other person wants and then, once hooked and trust is there, we wash off the mask and our hearts get broken when we find them not in love with who we really are. My favorite part was "i thought that love could make new dreams." Yup! I understand this sentiment...
"A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true."
--Harris K. Tellmacher, L.A. Story
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Ms Sarah you should write more often if only to offer me the pleasure of reading your wisdom, and talent. ---- No personal question. I'll just wonder whether the weather suits your mood. ----- Thank you.
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Some wonderful lines and the use of the painting metaphor is very well done. The only area to question (other than capitol I's and a few apostrophes) is the change is tense in line 7. Up until then, you use past tense, switch to present, then back to past, than back to present. I think you definitely want present tense in line 13 on. The easy solution is to change line 7 to past tense and then switch to present in line 13. As always, your choice to change or not. The last two lines are perfect! Great writing. Buff
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This is a pretty good poem and I respect your choice of words and layout. It is definately not cliched and the only other thing I can think of is my heart flutters or something but maybe *that* seems cliched....
Nevertheless,
Congratulations and good luck in future writing.
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Nicely done. And its not too cliche in this poem, it seems reasonable for it. And there isn't much of anything to replace it anyhow.
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Keep writing dear poet...you have the gift ...well done beautiful write indeed...thank you for sharing!
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Line 2 is actually one of my favorites, be it cliche or not, I dont know. I also like lines 13-19. I really cannot see anything i would change, thanks for featuring. This was tender and sad.
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Thank you for reading Suzwhite! I think 13-19 is the heart of the poem and the best part from my eyes too.
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Decide...
Your I and i's....
Ohter than that, this is a raw and honest piece..the flow fits your feelings..
You could take out And and but to give those lines more punch.
As you said it is yours so change it or leave it but keep on writing.
IM
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Really real!
Some great phrases and analogies. Maybe one of your best. Thanks for the thoughts and words. -
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What makes this one better than the others? If I stumbled onto something good, I'd like to keep doing it!
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You used some very clever and creative lines. maybe its that the tone wasnt so desperate and forlorn. it was more mature thought out.
High flying makes for hard crashes. Not awhine but a reality.
You keep trying to paint me into a rose garden
And I'm feeling like picasso, Maybe one of your best lines ever or anybodies. A greatly creative way to describe a common occurance. Do you get what I;m seeing? Keep it up!
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