With each falling seed
A bird flaps
A cat jumps
A contest entry
- Kevin's Haiku Contest! Win a 1 month silver membership by Kevin.
900 points, ended June 24, 79 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
haiku time!
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Very Good
Just the nature of the beast
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I really like the images here - it reminds me of feeding the birds at my university
in terms of constructive criticism, I don't think that you need the capitals at the beginning of each line, they make the flow a little strange as there isn't any corresponding punctuation - but that is just an opinion - and overall this is a beautiful poem
Polly -
Heh. I find it funny that you entered your own contest. Could you have won, or was there a little bias against yourself?
I must have read this before because it sounds so familiar.
This is a very pretty little haiku.
To make my comment seem constructive; I imagine there are far too many falling seeds for a bird to flap every time. Lovely. -
"A cat jumps"
Well, in this poem the last line says it all.
Tiki Cat
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That's great use of action. Full of movement and fun to watch. I find ku and ryu to be deceptively difficult. Nice one.
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i have got to be honest this made me smile and i dont know much about haiku but i know what good poetry is and you sure do to
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I dont know i like it the way it is. i think it is sublime. haikus are so thought provoking and so detail oriented i feel this does the style justice
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Excellent
Nice Haiku I thought it was passionate. very well written piece, not hard to follow. Wonderful look at nature. very enjoyable, I'll be backit was filled with emotions No typo's and nothing to change as far as i can see. Alexander QQ…
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I agree with Myron about the lack of juxtaposition, and with Malabu about losing the caps. Also, substituting "wings" for "bird" and "lies in wait," etc. for "jumps" gives the poem a more dramatic feel and paints a very vivid scene:
wings flap
with each falling seed-
cat lies in wait
or
cat salivates
or
cat pounces
etc... -
And that's only the beginning.
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This is a nice series of moments, although it leans more towards a narrative rather than a juxtaposition of images. Also it has 3 verbs in it, which is a lot of action for a haiku, which is generally a noun-based poem. What kind of bird did you see? The more specific the noun, the better - that's where metaphoric resonance is in a haiku.
I agree with malabu about the caps.
Cheers,
myron. -
That is Good Fun
That is great..How many times have we "seen"
that happen. I really like it.
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Reminds me of The Old Lady Who Swallowed the Fly, in a food chain kind of way.
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The title is called good fun which is I presume not bad fun, the haiku is peculiarly connected to the the middle of the poem, it is like the holding peace. My definition of this one is that the Bird was trying to get a seed to eat but a cat jumped towards the birdfeeder and the cat jumped and tried to catch the bird, the seed fell and the bird got away but, not with his seed.
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Indeed a great example of visual to show. I too was thinking at first of traditional haiku - I might have to give this a go. Nicely done!
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Adorable. I'm so used to actually following the syllable count in Haiku (5-7-5), but that's so restrictive. Great poem though very visual through small words. Sort of like Emily Dickenson.
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Cute one. Oh, the circle of life, predator and prey... Nice to see someone else joining their own contests and participating in the creative community around here.
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hi kevin
i like this ku's intention...
suggestion;
remove the caps on each line
my thoughts to this;
with each fallen seed
bird wings flap-
the cat jumps
ive grown very fond of Haiku/senryu on this site
if it helps take a look at some of mine from my page...ive come a long way with it
im no basho mind you
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Hello Kevin
Lots of rich visuals in your words.....good movement.......should I wish you luck? 
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