The bottle is tall and slender
to which hands must render
a squeeze no matter the hours
that hold no candy nor flowers.
But so is my waist, waiting
and in the kisses fading
each value so self-serving
arrogant, unnerving.
If there’s a day the glass is broken
with thoughts and words unspoken,
not a drop will be left to pour
the day I walk out… the door.
Author notes
Write about having to deal with someone else being an alcoholic
A contest entry
- Under The Influence [Could Be Quick] by SizzyFid.
510 points, ended May 29, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Quite an amazing write for the prompt. I love writes that makes me go back and reread to get all the imagery. Excellent.
-
Congratulations on this striking HM, Dianne!
I simply stand in amazement to see once again how easily you pour metaphor into form, in such timeless and elegant poetry.
How are you, Friend? I had such a lot of U-tuns during the last three months, that I still struggle to get my direction. Hopefully I will in NEAR future give you word on Flax to Gold ...
Love to you, incredible Poetess.
Myra
-
Stunning!
This said so much...
Very profound.
The imagery is simply grand.
Thanks so much for this share.
Best
Love Peace
campanaro
-
visually, I would suggest a bit of space around the poem - bottom and top. mostly bottom.
there were a couple of lines that seemed off meter to me: first stanza, second line 'to which (my? our? your?) hands must render' just needs a beat in there. second stanza, fourth line needs something there, too. the obvious (and personally discarded for that very reason) would be 'and'.
the entire last stanza seems awkward. it's confusing a bit because of metaphors, I would think but it also has a cumbersome voice. I have no constructive suggestions about it other than it needs work.
it does have a nice flavor to it and it has that needed thread through it. only my suggestions and opinions. no intention of offending. -
-
Thank you for the read and the crits. My poems are like babies who are still burping. lol I edit them to pieces even after a publication.
.
I've left the possessive pronouns out so that it is applicable to all. I agree on the last stanza. Very good suggestions. Always appreciated and considered.
-
-
!!!
-
Well well Jesus won't you meet me in the promised land
on the radio as I read this -
-
As expected from the 'human condition'.
Thank you for reading
-
-
A very thought provoking poem, it captures so much which is unsaid
-
-
Thank you for your comment. Appreciated
-
-
This was a beautiful write full of emotion~
Sorry for the belated comment, but I sent it straight to the prelim's! =P
I enjoyed the simple rhyme and wonderful metaphoric language.
Thank you very much for sharing! x
-
-
Thank you very much
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
