Do you see me? hear me? feel me?
Over there, beyond this life
do you still have me on your mind?
It's been so long-
friends were made and lost,
babies concieved and died,
marriage and motherhood have consicrated me,
yet I still think of you.
I remember the fragile texture of your hair,
the pungent chemical odor
as I rolled white hair
into ancient pink rollers.
I never knew if you liked me or not.
I'm sure grandpa never noticed me,
but you did.
I have your voice in my mind-
reprimanding every wrong choice.
When I slouch
or bite my nails
I think of you
with a broken smile.
Author notes
Theme: remembering a grandparent
POM 112 contest
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
3000 points, ended May 31, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
interesting comments anyone?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I liked this not uncommon but a lovely tribute to someone that you miss thanks for sharing best to you in the contest be well.
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A very heartfelt memory and nicely done. The title would have a greater impact on the reader if it were more succinct; such as something like "Rememberances."
Title......................7
Flow......................8
Creativity...............9
Vocabulary..............9
Presentation............9
Impact..................10 (gave me pause to remember my own granny.
Good luck and happy trails.
David
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nicely written, grandparents are so wonderful. I so enjoy reminiscing with them. your words brought back such. good luck in the contest.
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This is a touching theme, as we all have people we remember in our lives. I think the title was a little too obvious.
Originality: 8
Creativity: 9
Poetic Devices: 8
Title: 8
Line breaks/format/flow: 9
diction/word choice: 10
syntax/sentence structure: 10
Mechanics: 9
Reaction: 9
Overall opinion:10
Highest possible: 100
Your total: 90
Good luck in the contest,
Holly. -
Your feelings are expressed very well. I think to many (?) in the first line. Other than that is was emotionally charged and well said. Thanks for the read and best wishes,
Frogz -
For such a common Theme....you have penned this quite well....let my board say the rest....good luck!
Bear -
Title 8.95....had me curious.....I would not click on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre or Theme -
Flow 9.75....good Flow...you have a great Tone going on -
Depth 10.. depth is perfect for what you have told us in your Theme -
Theme 8.9....a Theme which I have seen in similar ways.....but YOUR approach is fresh and considered quite good -
Feelings 9.25...dramatic....I was caught up -
Grammar 9.6...pretty straight-forward words....but your choices made this special -
Presentation 9.5....format is very nice...do not be afraid to break up your thoughts -
Uncommonness...8.9... sure is penned well and pulls me in .....but, Theme has been done many times ....BUT....not as well as this write -
Sit & Ponder Affect 10...Oh yes...I did ponder....had to read it a few times....loved it -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...nice job
.....and a thanks to islekine for helping out here.....you must pay attention to those rules....they can make or break a great write here in the PO' Contests -Bears Score: 94.85
Nice
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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I like the way you expressed your love for your grandmother. Maybe some metaphors could be used here and there? Good poem.
Title: 9
Flow: 9
Theme: 8
Feelings: 9
Grammar: 9
Presentation: 8
Uncommoness: 8
Sit and Ponder: 8
Ability: 8
Follow Instructions: 10
Your Total: 86
Michael
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grandparents are so wonderful. I always love visiting mine. wonderful display of affection and memories. good luck in the contest.
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Aloha!
Best wishes in the contest...but don't forget to put your theme and PO in your AN!!! In this contest, they judge on everything...including how well you follow rules! Also..BG is supposed to be while...I know it's hard to get sometimes! Also...lol...check your line count!!!
Write on!
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Thank you for commenting on so many entries and for your help Julie,
Bear - -
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I enjoy it...
Love to see the "new" talent...
Be well!
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