Are you all the same, or is it just me
Does anyone hate the current TV
The NON-programmes that are now being made
It drives me MAD, I'm a little dismayed?
"Do you think we should move, or maybe not?"
(I don't give a damn, you moronic clot!)
And then they say something that makes me spit
"Yes, we'll DEFINITELY think about it"!
Tony Robinson seems so inviting
CAN archeology be exciting?
"Only THREE days to dig!" he will cry
But all I can think is, for God's sake, WHY?
Then he will run from trench to trench
Looking just like a middle-aged wench
If it's SO important, why only three days?
Maybe I'm a bit too slow in my ways!
It doesn't say much for the human race
To let Jeremy Kyle scream in your face
Frankly you know, I couldn't give tuppence
If one day that "thing" got his come-uppance!
One day I switched the telly over
Amazed by 60 minute makeover
But the thing that I find isn't fair
The rooms take one full week to prepare!
He does my head in, the Scouse joiner bloke
He can't pronounce "s", it ish shuch a joke
He's famous for some weird thing or other
Oh, I know, the thick berk won Big Brother!
Now there's a programme to make you weep
Which morons watch other folk SLEEP
Haven't they got better things to do
Like poking their eyes out or going to the loo?
Dickinson's Real Deal? Give me a break
Cash in the attic? Oh, for Christ's sake!
Deal or no deal - why David why
Homes under the hammer - but who wants to buy?
I HATE every TV presenter's guts
Frankly, I reckon that they're all NUTS
And here's an idea to solve the lot
ALL TV programmers should be SHOT!
Author notes
I despair at TV today.
AND I've not even mentioned SOAPS - that banality of TV!
Thank God I enjoy reading.
But, to be fair, how can anyone possibly fill 400 TV channels daily, and NOT make garbage programmes?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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I'm retired from PBS Public Broadcast Television
Similiar here in the U.S. to the BBC, but the station I worked in was in a state University; and we produced educational programs (i.e. - "How to Play the Banjo," "Beginning French").
I enjoyed reading ALL of the Comments as well as your fine poem (agree with it completely). I feel that you are being sarcastic in your put-downs of other people, because they are "over the top," and as such are not offensive.
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This is much more crisp and clean version, as you seem to have effectively sliced off a lot of fat, and left just the essential meat of the poem, which is excellent and much snappier. Why they call it 'Reality T.V.' is a mystery to me as well. If only we could script and edit our own reality in a like manner, complete with commercial breaks and everything, that would be wonderful. Great job.
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Grassy arse.
R
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BRAVO !
I think you've more or less nailed the low points of day-time TV. Evening viewing doesn't really get much better either. I proudly consider myself as a fully paid-up member of The grumpy old men club ... It's the only bit of pleasure i get these days !
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Tks.
R
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"But, to be fair, how can anyone possibly fill 400 TV channels daily, and NOT make garbage programmes?"
I hear you. Most television programmes are rubbish everywhere (one particular Canadian soap stands out in particular-- eugh! Never has French sounded so vile and disgusting.) Should I be glad that I don't recognise any of the programmes you mentioned? Personally I like to turn the damned thing off and read from my Shakespeare anthology until my head hits the desk somewhere around three in the morning. Too bad others don't do the same. Their loss, I suppose.
And, of course, you have quite the useful solution!
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Tks Darling.
Robin.
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This made me chuckle Such an apt description of the state of UK television! I'm not familiar with all the programmes you cite, but you manage to convey their stupidity very well anyway. For some reason I love "To want Jeremy Kyle to scream in your face".
Not sure about the line "Homes under the hammer - somewheres!" - If I may...I would suggest "Deal or no deal? Why, Noel, why? / Homes under the hammer? Who needs to buy?"
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Tks for yr comments.
I agree with you about the penultimate verse being "clumsy", and have edited ; I like your suggestions.
Regards,
Robin.
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Dear Montez. You live in England. Our beloved Nermin, on the other hand, is a presenter in Egypt.
Point is, both of you need to take television into geographical context. Amounts of advertising, general intellectual merit of programmes, and station management vary greatly between country. You can't expect a country whose main channels include the infamous Al-Jazeera to fully mirror the nature of your open media in Britain. Reality shows in Egypt should be significantly different from whatever garbage is broadcast over your screens.
Stop picking a pointless quarrel. Montez, you may be commenting on the degenerate nature of most reality TV programmes today, which I fully agree with (our programmes here in Singapore are usually reruns of Western sitcoms/reality shows), but you both are on different planes here.
Besides, programmes of merit do exist. If I recall clearly, there was a popular reality show on a Singaporean channel named "Life Transformers". The show featured a pair of hosts, who brought a team of volunteers to impoverished families in Singapore (who were made so by extenuating, and incredibly unfortunate circumstances e.g. parental suicide and subsequent trauma), and found ways to provide them SUSTAINED aid, and set them on a suitable course for a brighter future. It was a tearjerker, and opened plenty of eyes regarding the illusion of affluence within our city-state. Charity donations rose, and volunteer figures increased significantly following the broadcast of the programme. You can argue that there was no need to go poking a camera around simple charity, but what it did was bring charity to the forefront of public focus via an accessible and popular medium, and it accomplished that splendidly.
As for the poem though, I thought it was pretty well-written and witty. I was only mildly turned off by the use of ALL CAPS in a few words, but of course, it is a fun poem. -
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My Dear September Damp Squib,
You really ought to be careful not to get your knickers in a twist.
How am I supposed to know that your "beloved Nermin" is a presenter in Egypt if she doesn't TELL me?
I find it quite "cute" that you should come to Nermin's defence in Sir Lancelot fashion ; like a knight in shining armour - though I think it unnecessary ; she's quite able to fight her own battles (if that's the right word).
BTW, why do I have to take TV into geographical context?
I live in France (though I watch Sky), and obviously, my acerbic poem was about what people in the UK watch, not you lot in Singapore.
There ARE programmes of merit - I adore the History, Geography, Discovery, Biography type channels, but it's infuriating when we have to suffer 5-6 minutes of advertising out of every 12 mins or so ; and usually the SAME adverts!
I cannot comment on "Life Transformers" because I haven't seen it, except to say that anything which does good and is also entertaining is OK by me.
BTW, I've visited Singapore twice - just for one night stopovers on the way to Australia, and I loved the place. I admire any administration which sends people to jail for chewing gum ; it's a disgusting habit!
Anyway, I'm off now to have a rant at somebody else.
Thank you for a well- constructed comment.
Kind regards,
Robin.
NB The words in capitals in the poem, and my reply here, are done for emphasis, as though I were talking ; mainly because I don't know how to put things in italics, being a PC buffoon!
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1) You could have clicked on her profile. It is stated clearly there. Doesn't take a genius.
2) You used the same argument that you used against UK presenters against her, and she's an Egyptian presenter. Generalization does no-one any favors.
3) We are not jailed for chewing bubble gum in Singapore. The absolute, maximum penalty is a $50 fine. Check your facts before posting.
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Furthermore Sycophantic Singaporian Spermbag,
I've just checked out Nermin's profile, and she is a newscaster, not a programme presenter!
So raspberries to you!
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Dear Damp Squib,
Now let's get it right ; are you telling me that you click on the profile of EVERY person who leaves you a comment?
If you DO, then I shall call you a liar!
Furthermore, the "all TV presenters should be SHOT" comments were obviously made "tongue-in-cheek"!
Are you familiar with that expression?
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The main point is, your argument with Nermin is meaningless. The poem is about Television in the UK, and Nermin is taking needless offense. You are not helping the situation either by missing the mark entirely in your replies. Nermin's observations and opinions are completely out of context, as are yours. The fact that she is a newscaster further negates the relevance of both your opinions. I am perfectly aware that the poem is bitingly satirical in tone, which translates well to your replies, but you have completely misunderstood the intentions behind my post. I'm trying to defuse an argument here, not start a new one. I know that you don't mean everything you say literally (I read your profile too), but the central message I am trying to put across here is that you both are arguing on completely different planes, which renders both your points moot.
Also, personal attacks don't especially serve to reinforce your points very well. Nermin is responding in a calm, rational manner to your comments (save for that first sentence of her second reply), and I respect that. I would respect you more if you did the same. And to clarify, I'm not offended by anything on this page. I actually agree with you with the quality of modern television (I've been forced back to Youtube to watch episodes of The Twilight Zone. You just don't find anything that brilliant on the tubes now). I'm just exasperated at how senseless the quarrel Nermin's picked with you is, and how you've subsequently reacted.
Either way, we shouldn't be arguing about this in the first place. My earlier comment may have been too hastily crafted to convey my intentions with any degree of clarity, and I apologise. I enjoyed the work, on the whole. The well constructed rhyme and delicious sarcasm made this a greatly entertaining read. -
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Dear March Winds,
An apology isn't necessary - I enjoy the banter ; and I'm not offended by anything Vermin said - I don't take my "poetry", nor much of anything in life seriously anyway.
To me it's just one big joke!
Life's too short for falling out with people.
I have strong opinions about very few things - though moronic free verse is one of them!
NB I like changing peole's usernames around.
You'd be surprised at how many people get offended by this (and they're usually female!)
Getting offended by someone getting your name wrong is a perverse form of vanity IMO, and it annoys me.
I play snooker in my local British Legion club, where I've been a member for 30 years, and for that whole time, there's a bloke who has called me Brian. He's 88 now, and still calls me Brian, and it doesn't bother me one jot - I know who he's talking to ; and that's really the reason we HAVE names - so that we can identify each other.
I have 3 friends in the club whose wives have similar names, and THEY get offended when I get it wrong - which is often!
Aileen (pronounced A-leen), Eileen (pronounced I-leen) and Arleen (pronounced R-leen) - it drives me NUTS!
And just to go back to the TV "argument", the fact that my poem was written about UK TV is not really relevant, as programmes are sold worldwide now - and ideas (usually from the UK or the USA) are copied all over the world, although I DO agree that I couldn't see the Egyptian government allowing something as banal as Big Brother to be made there!
Anyway, I think we've outplayed this discussion.
My expletive comments to you in a previous communication were rather tasteless, for which I apologise ; though I do LOVE the power of expletives!
I'm sorry I don't know all the byelaws in Singapore - I was only going by what a local taxi driver told me - and, being a fairly simple straightforward person, I tend to believe what people say : obviously the dramatic tosspot was exaggerating!
Have fun, while you can.
Regards,
Robin.
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HELL NNOOOOOOO I AM NOT PRODUCING THOSE SHOWS
I JUST MEANT AS LONG AS THERE IS DEMAND THERE WILL BE SUPPLY THAT IS ALL ))))
well no these are not programs or shows, but.....they do count them as such in that materialistic world.
then I guess shooting them all would be a good idea, of course excluding me mind you, you will be face with vermins worse than I am with super boring stuff that will make you dream of the old days of reality shows ) and i am talking about state television here )))
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So funny but so true and very well written critique of today's TV and TV Shows
Well I am a TV presenter, and yes we started stuff like that reality or not reality but not so strong although these shows are bought here too, not all of them and some are imitated. yes I agree it is getting too much. but don't you think that if there was not demand for these kind of shows there would not have been supply and production of the so called reality shows. For sure they realize humongous profit for the producers otherwise they would not have either bought or produced them. Well there was a time few channels existed and were appreciated, but now yes as you said we keep flipping between channels and quality is a lot less.
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My Dear Nermin (sounds too much like VERMIN for me!),
Let me say first of all that having admitted to being one of those dreaded presenters, you MUST expect the firing squad to be knocking on your door very soon!
Are you ferkin NUTS?
Do I think there is DEMAND for these shows?
WHAT FERKING CHOICE DO WE GET?
Other than not watching them, of course!
I could go on all night, but will keep this brief :-
1) The adoption of daytime TV is to blame for much of the shite that we now have to endure.
2) Ditto Sky - they are also to blame for an awful lot.
Why do we need 999 channels?
We only have ONE pair of eyes - and a limited amount of time.
Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful channels on Sky (Discovery/History/Geography/Biography etc.), and the terrestrial channels do their best, but advertisements now DOMINATE Sky, and if that twat from Gocompare.com kicks that ferkin pencil once more, I shall personally put my foot through the TV set!
My wife is glued to the set from about 6pm to 8.30pm with soaps.
I cannot be in the same room, I go upstairs and read - mainly because I am male, I have an IQ over 5.1, and I'm not a ferkin nosey TWAT!
I wish I had the time to ramble on all night, but will end with thanks for your generous applause and for reading and commenting.
Kind regards,
Nutter Robin.
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well since I am of of the dread cast then yes Vermin it is :))))
My former boss uses sometimes to say Vermin
) he could not digest the meaning of Nermin for a while 
well yeah I would expect to be targeted by those who dread those shows. I am not saying I am on their favor, but many are. Yes we do not need all that number of channels, but anyone these days who thinks he has something or nothing to say opens a channel, whether it goes on or not, that is another story. I agree with you, but it seems that these are the new characteristics of the so called "New World Order".
As for you not liking soaps and so on, well you admitted it, you are a man, and I am not going to argue about the IQ)) Do not get me wrong and shoot me for thinking I am a TV presenter and also producer and a female believing that she has and IQ at all to start with
I deeply enjoyed your piece and you are totally right. But again unless it generated money they would not shown it
you take care dear
nermin
vermin))))))))))))))))
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My Dear Ratface,
Quote "unless it generated money they would not show it"............?
Let me get this right - did you REALLY mean that?
The advertising revenue taken between breaks for ANY show generates money - does THAT make it acceptable?
Lets have it right!
Two fucking MORONS, visiting ESTATE AGENTS to select 3 properties for an amoebic couple to view - something the pricks could have done for themselves - THEN, wiring them up, and eavesdropping on their converstaions in the house, to see if they find it acceptable - IS THAT A PROGRAMME?
I suggest ferkin NOT!
It is creating a programme where NONE exists!
IE A NON-PROGRAMME, as previously described!
No, I'm sorry, TV programme planners should all be lined up against a wall, and blasted to smithereens with a blunderbuss.
THEN, I suggest we visit all the mental institutions in the country, selecting as we go along, the craziest people in these establishments, and sign them up as TV programmers and presenters : THEN perhaps, we'll get some TV programmes of worth!
Kindest regards,
Your executioner,
Robin.
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Hey Robin
I'm tired of seeing who's better or worse. That's already a given isn't it? So why propagate it even more?
I can't even trust what I see on the internet!
They touch up photos so well you need to employ an expert to live in your house to kick the fakes.
"Oh, that's nice, a polar bear hugging a wolf. There's something you don't see OFTEN!"
Good poem, Robin! I think if you replace some of the stronger language you might be looking at a greater audience. For me it's fine!
With a bit of tech support, I bet they could have you
writing this while parachuting.
Goodly writ!
John
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Hi John,
Thanks for your input, I've revamped it, cutting out the expletives, and it's better.
Regards,
Robin.
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Totaly with you on this one "R". Hardly watch TV anyway and on the times that I do it's rubbish...Great write my friend...Lv m..
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It's not all rubbish - the history/geography/discovery channels are excellent, but I've just cancelled my Sky DD because I'm hardly ever here.
Tks 4 the clap etc.
luv,
R.
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Brillante as they say in Gremany. And, what about the ignorant continuity announcers who learnt their English in a gutter somewhere - forgive my snobishness. 3 cucumbers for you.
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Hello Ducky,
Where's Gremany?
Is it anywhere near Blegium?
Tks for the cucumbers etc.
Luv,
R. -
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It is just over the berdor.
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Never a truer word said Robin
I totally agree with you. I never even bother to turn the TV on. I watch it at night with my partner to catch up on News and I don't mind the crime shows like NCIS or CSI...other than that, I could quite easily live without a TV at all. I'd much prefer to listen to music or spend time sitting here on my butt in front of the computer screen 
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Tks Jules.
Luv,
R
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Ah, real gems of truth here, my friend... personally, "Beauty and the Geek" is the one that makes me want to cry.
Keep up the phenomenal work
Maria
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Tks Maria.
Luv,
R
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