Not me and you -- never you and I,
but after half a lifetime, I managed to plant that burdensome seed
deep into a psyche
for you, and you alone...
Behind your unseen eyes, I know it’s there, if barely – a weakened dandelion
or some other unwanted weed :
my garden tended and watered with such diligent desolation –
overgrown with inadequacies.
This fatal flaw runs lengthwise through my soul - this knowledge
is much too deep
I know what it is that slowly devours me
from the inside out...
“get what you want with your lucky eyes”
the song goes.
Everything is for the taking, but
the one...
Author notes
Incomplete, still need to work on it.
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I think you could end this poem if you simpoly wrote as your last line;
"Everything is for the taking, but
the one [who lives to give].
I felt these words with a sense of understanding, laced with the essence of knowledge. Great work poet!
Always ♥
Renee
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now i read it again, after some coffee and breakfast
well this is so sad. i hope this is not from personal experience and if it is inshallah have saber cause he listens to who sabers.
this is such a heartfelt and a sad write. I want to see when its complete, so far i didn't find any need for any changes. its very well penned, well thought out.
if you want to work on, try on the structure of the write, it is out of proportion.
my fav lines are
Behind your unseen eyes, I know it's there, if barely – a weakened dandelion
or some other unwanted weed :
my garden tended and watered with such diligent desolation –
overgrown with inadequacies. this is so strong and sharp. its hits real hard.
This fatal flaw runs lengthwise through my soul - this knowledge
is much too deep
this is a beautiful work and remind to read it again once its complete. -
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I appreciate your feedback! You're right that it's out of proportion. I have a very twisted subjectivity in the way I relate to my poems. I hate editing them after the first go round because it feels like I'm trying to mess with the expression. They come out as God-given inspiration, and I hate messing with that. Not that I think there's a divinity or perfection associated with them. Far from it. They are my imperfect, flawed stream of consciousness expression of various things. Well, my non-political poems anyway (which this one is).
This one is definitely incomplete, rushed, or something. It leaves even me hanging. Once I can get myself to edit it, I'll try to remind you to give it another read.
Thanks, and assalaamu'alaykum! -
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wa laikum as salaam
if everybody stop messing with their god given inspiration and stop editing , then they will just be good at writing expression not poetry. recently i understood that sometime you have to edit the poem and cut some things out or add to make it complete. that's how we achieve excellence. choosing what's best on the cost of some other which is not the best.
just imagine movie, musics,portraits unedited just raw out there.. imagines machines not tweaked, experimented... just imagine yourself living without making choices we cant.. we have to choose between right and wrong. we have to edit the way we present all the time to get better.. this is no different. if you keep an open view more things you would see.
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Re: poetry. I write really for myself, not anyone else, so if I find myself uncomfortable with changes (for whatever reason), then I won't change it. Or I may just create a second version of the poem, but keep the original version as well. I am strange in that I sometimes like a poem that leaves one hanging, or seems incomplete. I like poems that don't seem to make sense (even when I read other people's works). It really depends on the type and style of the poem. You may be alluding to formal structure, when you mention "just expression" vs. poetry. When attempting a formal structure, like a sonnet, then yes, you'd need to edit, etc.
I wrote this piece in one go -- no editing (which is the case with virtually all my poems on here). It may be unfinished, but it's not edited. I admire people who edit their poems, and I certainly am not claiming that my poetry is perfect. It's not how I write, however. And I've been writing poetry for about 30 years, now. My poetry is very stream of consciousness. It is what it is.
As for right and wrong, films, music, and open minds, I do believe you're going off track. I don't consider myself closed minded. If anything, I'm indulgent of people's various approaches to how they choose to express themselves. I may very well choose to revise or edit this poem at some later time. It really depends.
I respect your views on how poetry "should" be written, but just as I don't expect others to use the exact same approach to writing or even appreciating as I use, I follow my own path in approaching poetry.
Peace~ -
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yes your are right dear.. i aslo respect you and your views. do as you wish
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this is such beautiful write.. i have to read it again..
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The title is befitting the words...
Your initial four lines written here take me to a place of indecision, and decision in one breath. To begin with "not", makes me know that none equals none, or the total sum of nothing and nothing must ultimately come to zero, as in tolerance, a measure to sustain...
I like "unseen eyes". The oxymoron is clever and makes the reader stop to see. Although "dandelions" are "weeds", their strength to reproduce exists in humanity's need to pluck them and blow their seeds about. Therein ushering forth their subsequent growth in the millions more.
I was once told that my "inadequacies" and "fatal flaws" make me an unsung beauty. Those words were from my soul mate and husband. Imagine my delight. LOL And here I thought they produced an ugliness. LOL
I love how you ended this poem, leaving me to contend with my own self-inflicted rationale.
BRILLIANT!
Personally, had I written this poem, I would be satisfied and wouldn't change a thing!
Much Love Always ♥
Renee
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Thank you for your thoughtful and complex analysis, which actually made me step back and see this with new eyes. I write very unconsciously ( always have) - certain images or concepts may resonate with me on a subconscious level, ie, dandelions, 'diligent desolation,' etc. And you seem to have hit on the fact that this piece is about a dialectic between the wanted and the unwanted... The having and the not having...
How absolutely beautiful of your husband to remark on your unsung beauty. He is absolutely right. You are very blessed to have such a person in your life. It makes me happy to hear so. I have always believed that the entire world can desire a person, or the entire world can despise a person, but as long as that One desires you, it makes the world inconsequential. The adulation or despising fade. And that is actually what this poem is about.
Peace~
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