You don't need to know
that your absence pierces deep,
and I will never show you
how the mem'ries make me weep.
I will smile and talk with you,
Pretending I am fine,
but plead inside as you leave,
"Don't go to her! Stay mine!"
And so I'll never tell you
that I never wished to part,
or how I long for your caress
to soothe my aching heart.
It's just as well that you won't know
this thought that's never far;
Should I be happy we're still friends,
or mourn that's all we are?
Author notes
S h a d o w s o n g
boyfriend of 9 months decided to go back to his ex b/c i was moving away and we decided to move on.
Please feel free to critique...I think it has potential but could use more work.
In a list
A contest entry
- Broken Hearts and Shattered Dreams by Daxteriana.
400 points, ended October 20, 346 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
I love this one. It has raw emotion. It was terrific in many ways.
Broken hearts are hard to mend,
But most will heal if you have a friend.
Only the lonely an actually fly-
Because the ones with love never tried.
Good write.
Dax
-
love it!
i can relate to this poem. i love it!
-
pretty
very pretty -
Ths flowed so perfectly as whispers says I enjoyed it, it could be some pretty nice lyrics , have you ever considred making a sequal ?
-
Wow this is so well written it flows perfectly.
-
A lovely poem and those last two lines are exceptional!! I wish I'd have come up with something like that. You should be pleased with this - although it's so sad - it is what makes it so moving.
-
potential
Yes, you are right, i think. This has potential. Perhaps more vivid imagery and detail would enrich it a little?
best wishes,
myron. -
feel the pain
I so feel this. I still don't know the answer to that question. I liked this piece very much. I love the last lines and think they end this very well. If I were to change something it might be line 12, to give the end of that stanza something deeper, I dont know...totally just me. Thanks for sharing this.
-
A soft, sincere and fluent, longing poem
-
Nice
Yeah, I agree it has potential. It's short and simple, but you wove strong emotion into simplicity. It flows well and the rhyme sounds really natural. I really like it
"You don't need to know
that your absence pierces deep,
and I will never show you
how the mem'ries make me weep."
Love that part
Keep writing
thanks for sharing
-
So good already
You might put a stanza in about how it felt when he was with you and what you held secret then to keep the "things I'll never tell you " consistent but from a different perspective. This is really good.
Tecohe
-
i think it is great....nice piece of work....ye have the gift of rhyme and nice flow...lovely write well done
-
The beginning was rather dark, and it followed through until the last stanza, and that kind of threw the poem off. I think that the end could use a little more work, but otherwise a great poem.
-
Great potentials
This is a good piece, good imagery,the ending was a little off key, nevertheless, it was an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing
-
sounds like my poetry
wow i really like this. its very relateable, and it reminds me of my writing, which u should check out too. i think after the second stanza you shoul dadd more about this particular person and the memories you may have shared, being vague for mystery, and then i rilly like that ending. ending with a question is a brilliant move-- i like this piece. keep writing!
-
Great!
This poem is inspired and will never cease to amaze. Maybe at the end add and extra line for presentation sake saying something like- ' I will love you always even if you never know' or 'You will stay in my heart forever'. But besides that it is a fantastic poem and I hope you will continue writing in this inspiring form.
Regards,
beatjess10. -
i love the last line
should i be happy we're still friends
or mourn that's all we are
it has potential this peice
i felt some parts were a bit over exagerated
but if it's how you feel
that it's good to keep it that way
rework it alittle
when i read this
i want to know MORE
it leaves me needing to know more
whats the story behind it
ect -
|I am not able to critique really as I feel the same
I and a lot of women would relate to it.|Wonderfully said, yes.
easy to attract you and then you find yourself singing with it and repeating the words that echo your inner feelings.
rhyme and words choice is great and flow is so smooth and easy. I love it and you say it so simply and very well. keep up the great work dear
-
Love this! For me there is the makings of something special here, look forward to reading the finished article. Top job.
-
Can totally relate to this poem. Absoluetly wonderful, great job.
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
