lucid, my pupils dilate
as I shy away from you;
it's been well over a year
since you stabbed my lotus,
and I am still mangled
in your web of self-delusion.
you litter my mind
with oversentimental promises,
but life is cliched
and worn thin,
so preserve me--
polish me to a shine
while my flesh
hollows away.
Author notes
GROUP B: DAW Round 1
[ This is from (a bitter) Lakshmi to Vishnu. ]
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Beautifully said!! This is a very well-executed piece with an unusually brilliant choice of words. Way to go....take care
Walk in peace,
Sophie
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i have a feeling you might already know where im going with this critique. straight to stanza three. i really dislike it. more so than using cliches in poetry, i hate the use of the very word in poems, especially when it feels like youre just copping out. you really could have committed to the bemoaning if thats how you wanted to do it. it is a tiny bit too blunt, but i like how this fits into the theme and the structure of your teams submission and those last 4 lines really needed to be direct.
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last stanza is a brilliant ending.
loved this.
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of course i love this, it's not overdone and it speaks in so many volumes! thank you for sharing my dear <3
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a perfect shot of words. like watching a film of ten seconds of a waterful with bodies crashing down it. ..
just sad and real.
you're amazing.
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Wow. I love the end. That was brilliant.
It's such a raw and fantastic image.
Great job. <3 -
I like the minimalistic approach. And what impressed me more is that this had some attitude in it. I think the line break technique helped with that, as well as the diction (stabbed, mangled, litter, cliched, hollows). I enjoyed it. Good luck.
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