i.
i was visiting in october. the whole house reeked of eucalyptus and metal and tears. someone in my family was trying to calm themselves and judging from the absence of mayhem, it was Kaleb. judging by the sadness that littered every stare as i walked in, it wasn't very good. i was sitting in a musty hallway for about half an hour waiting for him to get out of the washroom and get clothed and be normal. i could have sat in that hallway for the rest of my life waiting for the last one to happen. later he emerged for dinner and sat down and something about the curve of his spine screamed askmeaskme. and me being the girl who never knew any better, just had to.
i don't remember my reaction.
and if a could go back i would make him realize,
even though my hair doesn't fall out in chunks,
i am dying too.
ii.
sometimes he comes out to visit with the rest of my family and the drifting happiness become more and more apparent. he shares stories about going deeper into iced over cities into buildings that don't look like anything special. he tells me the chemo makes him sad and that sometimes he gets really tired and feels like hibernating along with love and never waking up. sometimes his poetic hands backhand me across the face and i don't mind at all. i think. and very rarely we sit at a nearby park and throw bits of bread to hungry geese.
and every now and then he says never to give up.
because i still have time.
because i am not composed of sorry songs of hopelessness.
because i am not framed by a mistake.
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finite
1) touch
2) plane rides
3) emotional distress
4) being alive
5) being asleep and awake at the same time.
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iii.
we sat on the creaky dock he thought was going to collapse under our weight. he sat with his caramelized eyes staring at the horizon waiting for something other than the word scared to run through his veins. the latticework of his hands folded neatly in his lap silently shake like they wanted to hold themselves up above his head; a silent surrender.
'what does it feel like to know you're dying,' i said. a quiet, extravagant mistake.
his eyes gazed over the dresden blue lake and his gordian knot hands unfolded themselves and he silently sat elbows to knees.
'it is like having to cut your life goals short to make room for your funeral plans. it feels like every eye filling up with pity and bursting with sadness. it is like breaking your wrists trying to push away the inevitable. i feels like cracking everyone's ribs and making sure their heart is still intact because what is happening to me makes them sad. it feels like laying on roofs and staring at the copper stars no body notices and wondering if you will end up anywhere near there. it is laying in bed all day, sometimes fake sleeping, trying to figure out what to do with yourself because nothing is really worth it anymore. it feels like drowning out in six gallons of power outage. it feels like it means something when people know you when it really doesn't. it feels like throwing up three quarters of your soul and a bottle of vodka on someone you never wanted to kiss. it is becoming handicapped by your own fear and using words to excite your tepidness. ugly. worthless. selfish. malicious. monster. unforgivable. it feels like eating up june bugs because you want something to feel like you do. it feels like hearing the crunch of the exoskeleton and wings, wondering if that is what it will sound like when you drift away. it feels like pushing forward just to be spun out of orbit.'
and i could no longer hear the soft symphony the crickets were making.
i had become deaf to the sound of sense.
all i could hear was clocks.
all i could here was him humming sadly.
all i could here was veins cracking.
-
speckles of needle marks on his arms keep track the number of days he spends here.
Author notes
.
e m m a - d i l e m m a
purple pizza painted a poisonous pickle.
A contest entry
- What makes you cry? by Forgotten Anomaly.
900 points, ended June 16, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites (auditions for rounds contest) <33 by dieu..
1855 points, ended May 31, 41 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - favorites only; send me your prewrites by winterbound..
360 points, ended December 1, 72 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - the asylum rounds;; auditions. [do you have what it takes?] by heavenbird.
800 points, ended August 6, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i am yours
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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it is like having to cut your life goals short to make room for your funeral plans.
brilliant line.
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yes
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yes.
please wait for mayas comment. -
I am speechless... what an outstanding write this is! Worthy of gold and then some. Often times I look at a contest and the gold winner surprises me, of course many times that is the case with most folks, however I have a gut instinct that this time the majority in this contest will agree with the judges decision because this write just blows one away! Congrats dear, you deserve this win!
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Oh my god this is amazing. I clicked not really knowing what to expect...but I was not disappointed. So many lines are incredible, I couldn't point out them all.
"and every now and then he says never to give up.
because i still have time.
because i am not composed of sorry songs of hopelessness."
The last line to, this made me start to cry. It's beautiful, painfully beautiful.
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"i could have sat in that hallway for the rest of my life waiting for the last one to happen."
-wow. i love that line. i gasped when i read it. that's saying something. i have my mouth open now. that's a good line. hehe.
"even though my hair doesn't fall out in chunks,
i am dying too."
-that's good too. ilove that. i loved how you never quite said what his answer was, but we know what it is by that line.
i love this poem, may i just say that? well done. i'd add to finalist list, but i don't like scaring people away until i'm judging. -
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thank you.
it was a pain writing it but i am happy with how it turned out. -
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Well the pain was worth it, this is incredible. I would point out all my fav lines, but it would take too long. this is amazing.
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Oh, wow. This is very deep. You captured a lot in this, so much emotion and so much humanity. I could not imagine what it would be like to know your dying but you did it so well. You imagery is fantastic, the emotion tangible, and the writing beautiful. I do hope this isn't based off true events. I really like the last stanza/paragraph bit:
speckles of needle marks on his arms keep track the number of days he spends here.
It seems somehow very absolute, very powerful yet blunt all at the same time. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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