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Sorry Mommy

A little girl

A darling little girl
Asked her mommy to go to the department store
To buy her some tiny red shoes to wear
Arguing finally subsided
And her mommy agreed to go
The little girl waited
And waited
For her mommy to return
At nightfall
A policeman came to the house
Daddy answered the door
The little girl heard something about a car crash
Her daddy sunk to the floor
Her mommy was dead
The policeman helped daddy to a chair
And explained what had happened
Her mommy died on the way back from the department store
The policeman said that they were able to salvage
One thing from the wreck
And he pulled out a pair of darling little red shoes
And he handed them to the little girl

At the funeral of this little girl's mommy
The little girl placed the shoes in the casket
In them, she had put a note, and written on the note was
"Sorry Mommy."

Author notes

I thought it was cool at the time. Let me know.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • RedAquarius
    June 13

    Edit | Reply
    Sad but a bit too much repetition for me, as well as too many unnecessary words. I think by trimming and revising this could be quite good.

    Example:

    "A little girl
    A darling little girl
    Asked her mommy to go to the department store
    To buy her some tiny red shoes to wear"

    to

    Darling little girl
    asked mommy to buy
    tiny red shoes to wear

    To me it just comes across as a stronger, tighter piece. But this is definitely a very good start. Thanks for entering.