Nestled along the dancing boughs,
Among the dewy green canopies of youth,
A cedar tree house, her's alone,
Adored by azure scheming eyes.
In the ink of her pen she watched life pass by,
Finding nothing to write but of bleak rain and doubt.
He found her, and filled the pages with rhyme,
Now faded words in the depths of her diary.
Reminscing, dimpled hands clutched the rope ladder,
She longs for the simplicity of that haven!
As she dreams of dancing with the fireflies
When the world was as wide as the backyard fence.
He was just a dream not yet realized,
A heartbreak not yet felt.
Accented with age, homeward bound once more,
Diary pages filled through with beauty and pain,
In the cedar house she sits, lost in tunes of the past,
Hanuted by distant yet ever-near melody.
Entranced with the songs, she sits alone
Surrounded by the musk of forgotten lilac,
Whisked away in the memories of joy,
Finding ecstasy again in the souls of the stars.
Author notes
By EmbraceTheJourney
For "Freedom Rounds" word prompt #3
Please do not judge me by the rubric :-) Thanks
A contest entry
- Freedom Rounds by Writing0Freedom.
400 points, ended June 22, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Love and Joy by Sarin Darktree.
650 points, ended June 9, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poems That Tell A Story by HyperSoccergal8.
525 points, ended June 15, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [no title for now] by whiterabbit..
500 points, ended June 16, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your favourite poem! by forbidden-colour.
550 points, ended July 8, 141 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - To Be Put On My Favorites List by Ted E Bare.
400 points, ended October 15, 248 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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We all should be so lucky to have a place to dwell in peace and harmony (and even to contemplate about past pain and sorrow). Nicely written! I want to thank you for your entry into the following contest: "To Be Put On My Favorites List."
Ted E
PS: Your entry has been blessed by the three wise clappers, but don't spend the whole nine points in one place(lol)!
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A childhood fantasy almost, this level of innocence should stay with us throughout our lives as it is the only thing that really makes us pure.
Thank you for entering.
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The reference to 'he was just a dream' confused me a little, however I see that this was a write for a different contest and so it makes more sense.
"Finding ecstasy again in the souls of the stars. "
that was beautiful.
best wishes
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I love the descriptions that you've written. They make the imagery absolutely gorgeous. I can feel so much nostalgia when I read this and the emotions come through so well.
I love this. It's wonderful. -
Ah, to look back on the days of our youth and remember all the wonder. That's exactly the feeling this conveyed to me. Another well written one with good style and a deep wisdom that seems to exceed your years. You sure you're only 14?!?! LOL
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This is a wonderful poem and thank you for entering the contest hun
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sometimes you have to be alone and or away to find yourself. to sit down and write or ponder and gather your thoughts. everyone has a comforting place they do that. or a person or object that comforts them. i think you did a wonderful job at showing this. i like the way the detail painted a picture and told so much about someone not known to the reader. with every line you pick out something new and implied. i like that very much!
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that was amazing..lav that..your so gud..lav it!
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I absolutely loved this! It's so deep and filled with such emotional moments. I love how you wrote about the rhymes he wrote and the meaning behind it. I'm guessing they were in love, or at least she was with him.
Plus, the whole use of the tree house and how it was her little "spot" was a really great addition to this piece. It almost like having a flashback, and remembering all that was once good in your life. All the energy and memorable moments that make you into what you are today. And you did it beautifully... I loved it!!!
I really really loved this and think you're an amazing poet. We actually write kinda similar now that I think about it. Probably why I can relate to your style so well
Great job once and again and good luck on your next poem!!! Hahaha...bye!!!
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Congrats on your Spotlight!
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hhhhmmm I can relate to this piece. I like it.
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I thought your ending was alot stronger than your start but it was still a very nice read.
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SO sad...melancholy - sadness and sweetness comingled.
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I like it a lot. There's a lot of emotion here, and it really flows nicely. Great job! Keep writing!
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Despite the heartbreak woven throughout the piece, there's an air of beautiful serenity in your write. I love the flashback to dimpled hands, and "dreams of dancing with the fireflies / When the world was a s wide as the backyard fence." The last line is amazing—what a great way to end! The one thing I'd fix is "her's" in the third line of the first stanza; it should be "hers." Great job, and good luck in the contest!
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Beautiful
This is so serene. Remembering the days and all the life that turned out to be questions.
Beautiful writing.
Peace to you
Jeri
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You've created a lovely piece of work with your poem. It's timeless subject is reminiscent of days when young ladies sat on porches in frilly dresses drinking sweet iced tea and chattering on about nothing.
Good luck in the contest and happy trails.
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nice
This had an interesting delivery,
and the pace was kept well together throughout. -
enjoyed your imagery
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nicely written
well done,,, great imagery,,, you really took me there,,, conveyed well and well thought out,,,, thanks for sharing your talent -
awesome job on this, really felt it, keep up the great work
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I really really liked it! I wouldn't suggest changing much! I loved it!
In the ink of her pen she watched life pass by,
Finding nothing to write but of bleak rain and doubt.
He found her, and filled the pages with rhyme,
Now faded words in the depths of her diary.
Reminscing, dimpled hands clutched the rope ladder,
She longs for the simplicity of that haven!
As she dreams of dancing with the fireflies
When the world was as wide as the backyard fence.
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Okay, well I also need yourname.
Nestled along the dancing boughs,
Among the dewy green canopies of youth.
A house in the trees, her's alone
Adored by blue innocent trusting eyes.
I love the use of imagery here, and I think you do a good job of using original words to portray it but I'd go a step further even. Use metaphor and imagery, also for a word like 'blue' I'd use the thesaurus because its so common.
In the rearview mirror, she watched life pass by,
Terrified to taste life's morsels of fear and pain
He found her trapped, helped her to taste...
Now faded ink on the pages of a diary.
So here, show not tell- exposition is useful but most of the time its better to use more simple imagery or metaphors to show it. The last line is screaming imagery and metaphor though, and I would try to use that maybe to rewrite the ideas in this stanza, because a diary is a great metaphor.
And how she missed that little tree house.
Dimpled hands clutched the rope ladder,
As she dreamed of dancing with the fireflies
When the world was as wide as the backyard fence.
So, for the first line, show not tell I think because you could portray it with imagery, maybe her reaching for the rungs of the ladders but it being a dream, in concise words.
I love the last two sentences because that not only gives character exposition but uses imagery to get across a message. Although maybe with that line, keep the beautiful simplicity of words like dreaming, and dancing and fireflies and backyard fences but use a thesaurus for some of the words, will will improve the stanza all around.
He was just a dream not yet realized,
A heartbreak not yet felt.
She returns to the house in the trees once more,
Surrounded by the musk of forgotten lilac.
Whisked away in the memories of joy,
Finding ecstasy again in the souls of the stars.
This stanza is really good, the first line, show not tell but the rest of it is really good with emotion and imagery.
I love the last line.
If you decide to rewrite , message me and I'll reread, and after you pull up the other stanzas then try to create more complicated metaphors or use a thesaurus for your imagery. It's a good start. This has potential so I'm going to make you a finalist, because I would like to see your work in the other rounds.
Good Luck!
WritingFree
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