Myself Again

I did it again
I did it again knowing that I’ll hate myself
knowing that I’ll clean, scrub, bleach myself
to kill the germs and shit you left on me
to destroy the whorish, slutty, side of me
but I’ll do it again
like history repeating, repeating, repeating itself
telling myself that this time he’ll love me, touch me, hold me
like I was his girl
not the other girl
that no guy wants to be with but sleep with
I won’t get that “wifey” comfort
but I’ll do it again
they say when you’ve fallen get back up again
and when he gets it up again
I’ll go down on him
dragging myself down with me
dragging that “strong” women all women should be down with me
and I’ve done it again
let him touch me like that again
degrade myself
I look down upon myself
knowing that that slut is not myself
when will I find myself?
I’m tired of searching for me
in the naked bodies of the naked minds
of the same males who
raise their fists at me
setting me back decades back
to where my people were beat for being black
and now I am beat for being me
accepting the life I chose for me
and the love you gave me
and I have the fresh bruises to prove the love you have for me—to prove you love me
but I’ll do it again
remain with you and your abuse because
you promise to not do it again
and I’ll remain your
sex slave, your punching bag
your other girl
cause I’m the only girl
who hasn’t found herself
and lets herself
be openly raped by you
and I keep doing it again
I don’t want to do it again
when will I come back and be myself again?
Help me regain myself again