Victor,
I can't believe myself.
Typing this on her computer, so a lot of this will be fragmented. I get nervous when I hear noises, even though it might be the house settling or something. Anyway, sorry. Hope you can understand.
I'm telling you this story because you're the only person I know who wouldn't think less of me because of it. You seem like the most non-judgmental, easygoing guy I've ever met. Please, just understand why I did this.
Getting ahead of myself here. Let me start at the beginning.
Went to eat at that greasy burger joint down the street from her house, staring out the window all the time. Almost bit the waitress' head off when she asked "can I help you?" Her nametag said "Hello! My name is Tricia." (I think you've met her before. She's blonde, middle-aged.) So I told Tricia I'd like a tall glass of milk and a plate of fries. She brought the plate back overflowing, but by that time, I'd decided I was too nervous to eat. Gulped down the milk, threw a few nickels and dimes on the table as a tip, handed Tricia a ten dollar bill and said she should keep the change. (Maybe that was a mistake, now that I think about it. She could've thought I was flirting or something.)
Darted across the street, an angry shadow trusting a passing car to hide me as I followed in short, quick footsteps. I approached her house - all prim, clean-cut lawn, shiny rocks and decorations made of wood - then stepped around the corner to the back. (Have been realty snooping and found the house for sale, then gossip snooping - discovered that Susan and her family were moving to this very house! It's been two months; I figured that they were unpacked by now.)
There was a line of windows, but the one I wanted was broken, conveniently. I got rubber gloves from my pocket and tugged them on before sliding along the white siding to feel for it. Worked with the window and pushed it up, smoothly and quietly. Guess I was too confident though. You see, the window was supposed to lead to the living room - it really was! I don't know how I miscalculated - but to my surprise, I tumbled through and nearly tripped over toy cars and trucks. The children! It was the room that her daughter and son share. (You remember them - Stacy is 9 and Sean is 5.) Apparently Sean enjoys leaving his playthings near the window so he can play in a block of sunlight. (Kids tend to get fascinated by things like that.)
You've said that grown men don't tiptoe, so I guess I'm a failure to all mankind, because I stood on my toes and got out of there like lightning.
I didn't bring a weapon with me. The plan was to frame her husband by using one of their knives. That will show him. You know he doesn't love her as much as I did. I've heard about his exploits - gossip snooping again - and yet she's never suspected anything. I'm doing them both a favor: she'll never hear about his infidelity and thus die happy, and he'll be able to go on with his flirtatious lifestyle.
Went into the kitchen, flinging open various drawers just trying to find the silverware. Soup spoons. Whisks. Chewing gum. Letters. Bills. Paperclips. Too many miscellaneous drawers. Finally, the silverware. I pulled out the steak knife. It felt too heavy in my hand.
Logically, I figured she'd want a room next to her children, and sure enough, I walked in to see her sleeping soundly, with her grey cat curled up at the foot of the bed. I tried not to think about how beautiful she was as I crept toward the bed and leaned over her. I lined the blade up to where her heart would be. Then I bit my lip, pushed down as gently as I could, and it was like pushing through butter.
Then I was overwhelmed by a sudden impulse and, Victor, I just - I couldn't stop myself. I jumped onto her and thought to heck with the world and Hank, the lying horror he is, and whoever else, I didn't care. Kissed her like it was the first time. Held her still-warm body in my arms and imagined that I was her Mister and I was tucking her into bed for the night. Imagined that none of this was real.
Then thought - what have I done?
My DNA is on her now. Maybe they'll think Hank came home, discovered her with me, I ran off, and he killed her out of anger. Slim chance. But I'm hoping.
Shaking by now. Went to the bathroom to clean the knife. Hoped the water wasn't too loud as to wake the kids. The place smelled like blood and aftershave, what a stench. Made sure to scrub the sink clean with my handkerchief. I didn't care if the blood stained - it was her blood, it didn't matter.
On a whim, I went looking for the study to type up this letter to you. Found the room - just a half-full bookshelf and a computer desk. You wouldn't call it a study in any sense of the word, I know. The cat followed me in, suddenly awake for some reason; hopefully that wasn't because of me. Booted up the computer and have been pressing the keyboard as slowly as possible while typing. Don't really know how long it's taken me to get this all down. The computer clock is all wrong, says it's 5:30pm. Nervous about printing it out - was already nervous about the keyboard tapping, how foolish. Hope the printer isn't the kind that grinds. Would feel loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood!
Now, wouldn't you know it, that darn cat is meowing - a mournful noise, sounding like the cries of the dead.
I have to get out of here. The software says this document is three pages - blasted! Know Hank won't be home any time soon, doubt the kids will be up, and the cat won't tell on me, but I'm too nervous.
Sorry again for all this. Please burn this letter after you've read it. I just had to tell someone. Can't keep something like this to myself.
- Jackson
Author notes
X Factor
prompt: creative letter
Taste: Gum, Milk, Chocolate
Hearing: Children, Meowing, Keyboard Tapping
Smell: Aftershave, Damp Spring Air After Rain, Wood
Sight: Mirrors, Windows, Rain Drops
Touch: Water, Keyboard, Desk
A contest entry
- X Factor 2: Round Three (Top 10) by sideways hourglass.
600 points, ended June 3, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Wow, Thats Amazing!! I Wish I Could Write Like That. It's Very Deep. And It Hit Me.
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DUDE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T READ THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH BEFORE.
I LOVE THIS.
AND YOU.
BUT YOU KNOW THAT.
OMG. -
the flow was excellent. It was an eerie read...and well written
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thats quite a letter.. very inspiring. the guy is clearly crazy. lol
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Wow. Kinda eerie to read. It was like I was watching a horror movie, but from a vivid and different perspective. I think you captured the craziness perfectly, and you captured the horror excellently. I had goosebumps with the line where he killed them...
~ Ryan ~
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lol. pretty evil... i like
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astounding.
(:
i would make a longer comment and pick out my favourite parts and what not, but I'm kind of lazy.
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this is incredibly good.
how can you think you're not original?
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100
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 8/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 100 X Factor
I liked this- the only negative was that it was a bit long and had some (somewhat) slowing images like the playthings and the extra tip and whatnot. Also, when I got to the fact that he was on HER computer, it made me step back and think, what? This is a dumb-ass criminal! Taking the time to type out a letter at the scene of a murder? A bit unrealistic, even for a sociopath yeah?
On the other hand, I very much admired this because it is such a huge departure from what I normally read by you. It is better paced and moves more like a story, or a true letter, than a piece of abstraction-filled prose. So, kudos for stepping out of your box. At least, what I've seen of your box.
-Cassidy
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Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: /5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 102
This was very original and interesting to read. The only negative thing I have to say is that, even though I was interested in finding out what happened next, I didn't really feel anything much. It was very much
like reading the opening of a great story, I was pulled in but didn't feel anything one way or the other about anyone involved because I didn't know them yet.
All and all though, well done.
s ~Genie~
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Peer Pressure :)
Beautifully written with fantastic imagery and emotion; a great write!
Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in the contest
Maria
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103 - X Factor
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 10/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total possible: 103 - X Factor
This was very interesting and definitely out of the box. It takes guts to write something like this! Loved it!
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(I think you've met her before. She's blonde, middle-aged.)
You've said that grown men don't tiptoe, so I guess I'm a failure to all mankind, because I stood on my toes and got out of there like lightning.
Too many miscellaneous drawers.
Then I was overwhelmed by a sudden impulse and, Victor, I just - I couldn't stop myself. I jumped onto her and thought to heck with the world and Hank, the lying horror he is, and whoever else, I didn't care. Kissed her like it was the first time. Held her still-warm body in my arms and imagined that I was her Mister and I was tucking her into bed for the night. Imagined that none of this was real.
and that line about the cat. this is fantastic love, so simple, but so vivid. i could really picture it all perfectly. <3 -
this is creepy and i love it. and i like the way you used parentheses and such; the words within them almost functioned as asides in a drama, which was awesome. and you've definitely established a character and his fantastically detached voice; i can see him at a computer in a ratty old flannel button-up, typing nervously. (you should write short stories, you know!)
"Kissed her like it was the first time. Held her still-warm body in my arms and imagined that I was her Mister and I was tucking her into bed for the night. Imagined that none of this was real."
gahhhh! that was fantastic!
good luck... like you need it
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Wow, this is amazing, and damn creepy. Remind me to never piss you off.
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'Held her still-warm body in my arms and imagined that I was her Mister and I was tucking her into bed for the night.'
damn. wow.
rather morbid, but amazing nonetheless.
you really took those words and turned them into beauty.
you better win this or i'm going to have to chew someone's leg off.
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omigosh.
this was amazing, sissie! ♥
i`m speechless.
simply brilliant.
now for my critique.
it needs more detail at the part where he killed her, i think.
i agree with fingertips, just add a sprinkle of your gorgeous metaphor and imagery.
♥
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i feel like if he entered from the childrens room
they would have woken up! other than that
this was very interesting. though i can't help
but thinking that this dude is dumb for basically
typing up a confession! much better than
the first time i read it
peace to all ~flight -
Oh my.
-hides behind desk- -
i'm left hanging, and i don't like that.
i curious about what happened,
or maybe i just don't get it.
it's really casual, which is different
from what i've been reading so far,
but in a good way i think.
i'd gun for a different ending.
other than that it was great!
peace to all ~flight
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Ah, yes. That makes much more sense.
Go on. ^.^
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i really like this so far. don't scrap it, fiddle with it. add in some breathtaking metaphor, a little colour/shape/asbstract imagery and you'll be golden.
i would suggest getting rid of 'or something' at the end of the second paragraph. it feels too casual. i would also reccoment taking out the 'anyway' at the beginning of the third paragraph. i get that you're trying to make the transition less abrupt, but it feels kind of afterthought-y.
this has wonderful potential, keep working on it. <3
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I really like the opening of this - it attracted my attention straight away, and because of the separation of the line, it has a great impact the rest of it really makes me want to know what this is about! I kind of agree with Endymion about the confusion about whether "her" referred to the waitress or not - but I kind of just assumed that it did. Other than that this was intriguing and I enjoyed what I read - I would say not to scrap it
Polly
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I think the outline of it is here, and there's definitely a portrait of a character beginning to take shape, but I think it could be a lot more vivid. Opening it with talk of murder is a sure way to capture an audience [as it did me], and although it is just a rough draft right now, you should probably add more details that are personal, evocative, related to this Victor guy and the lady and that pretty pattern of her fingertips -- actually, the pattern idea is the perfect place for some beautifully haunting metaphor. You're good at that.
This is what your piece made me think of: some greasy old town in America [in the mid-north of it somewhere, where everyone's thin and grizzled and tired of living since they were 15 and began getting doped up]. Dude at a grill/diner place, flannel shirt, ripped and dirt-smeared pants [he works in construction]. He meets this girl. He kills her. Talk about the initial aftermath ["out, damned spot" in her marble-white bathroom, alabaster as her skin; you could also relate this to jealous Othello as well]. Then the greasy burger joint. The walls are a sickly urine yellow. He orders. He does what you wrote.
There was a little bit of a cohesion problem for me in the third paragraph. By "her," do you mean the waitress or the other woman?
Now I'm just ranting and this is by no means what you should write, just what I was thinking. Actually, I think this could be a lot more powerful were this guy writing to the woman he loves/kills [maybe read Poe's "Annabel Lee"?]. Basically I think it needs a little more character that pervades the work. It doesn't really feel like a letter yet, but prose.... and don't get me wrong, I like it. If I didn't, I wouldn't ramble like an idiot to you. XD
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