keep listening [every time she runs]

You liked to pretend life was chasing after you
and you had to escape its clutches.
But after running and running and running,
you found that you had dropped pieces of yourself in your haste.

You cried, the parts like empty spaces in your mouth
made by missing teeth.
'If only's fill your mind, rueful of the day you left me waiting.
I had told you this would happen,
and I was right, like always.
But now you had no me to tell you where else to go,
what else to do.

You had achieved what you had wanted.
You had left life behind.
You had left me behind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I couldn't believe you were doing this to me now, after all I had done for you. I knew you needed me. You knew you needed me. But you liked playing pretend too much, and couldn't tell the difference between a dream and our reality. I was always the one who had to draw the line. But my marker was too sharp on your fingers, so you wiped the ink off on your skirt and told me you were leaving. Immediately, I regretted being so harsh on your hands, the tiny creases of boundaries past still scarred there in memory.

The truth is, I needed you to know who I was.
I could tell where you started, and where I began. But without you there, I was undefined and confused. My volume fluctuated constantly in my brain, my amorphous mass was marked with a bright blue question in my brain. I had to know where I fit in, how much space I took up, so I could make it up to the world.

I spent every spare second I had on scales, measuring my weight. One step closer to being with you. Every meal I ate, I couldn't keep down. Your voice echoed in my head, telling me how selfish and undeserving I was. I could feel your fingers in the bottom of my stomach, traveling up my throat with the rest of my food. I didn't do this to myself. You did.

Eventually, I was too weak to get off the couch for work. Your memory had eaten me to the core, deteriorating my face until the skin sagged in misery. Without you, I was dying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alone and cold,
you could feel the San Fransisco wind whip through your jacket,
the cheap polyester ripped at the seams.
You had nothing there.
And you knew it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I had been able to keep a few saltine crackers in my stomach for a few hours, so I ate two more, and pulled myself off the couch. I'd decided. I couldn't keep living this way.


Driving was hard work. It seemed I hadn't slept at all last night, even though I remembered nothing.  I fought to keep my eyelids open, and turned on the radio full blast to keep me conscious. Crawling down the street, the traffic was heavy. I was itching to do this, get it over with. I'd waited too long already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your feet had tripped over some customer's earlier,
and you sat in the back room of the bar, icing your ankle.
You had finally gotten a job just a few weeks ago,
and you had messed it up already.

You winced at the stinging cold,
but it wasn't any worse than your twisted bones.
This reminded you of the time you sprained your ankle at the park,
walking the dog with me.
I had held your foot in my lap with ice,
whispering airy nothings as you sat with a pained look on your face.

Your heart ached for me,
but you wouldn't let yourself go back to Boston,
to find me. You figured I had already moved on.

You abruptly stopped thinking about me before the pain could hit,
and you stood up stubbornly. Your ankle didn't matter.
Life would not catch up with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I stood out on the pier, the wind whipping my hair against my face,
I finally understood what you told me
about the feeling that life couldn't catch you.
It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
I could see why you left me to find it.

I took a careful step forward and felt my toes met the splintered edge,
and I spread my arms out like wings.
I was ready to fly.

I took one last breath, a mystery tear hit the dampened wood,
and I slipped one word out of my folded lips
as I flew away into the waves.



{"Jesse." The whisper echoed like a scream through the saline air.}