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Portrait

Free my feet of rusted fetters,
Transform in my hands a sword from the scar.
Erase from my eyes the foggy mist
And when you look at me I can hold your gaze.

Sketch the way for my heart’s liberation
‘cause only your pencil can form my whole.

Any specific suggestions? Ideas for a better title?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Yorkshire Lass
    January 9

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    wow, i love the twist and play on words here, well crafted


  • asceticverse
    January 3

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    Because the speaker seems to be imploring the subject so entreatingly, I get the sense that the 4th line might be more powerfully served by reading "...I will hold your gaze." That would show that the subject can really impact the speaker's life, can offer the redemption and grace for which the speaker is calling out. I think I like the title as it is. A short title for a short poem, carrying suggestions about what we see of ourselves in others and in art. I dig it.

    av


  • SteveS gold member
    January 1

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    This has that feeling of magic being cast by the hand as the lines read almost like a love incantation. Really nice.


  • Little Finn
    September 18, 2009
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    Wow, I was almost captivated within your words.

  • Yorkshire Lass
    June 13, 2009
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    this is an amazing poem


  • Sesheta
    May 29, 2009

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    I don't see "portrait" in these words. I'm not sure what I see. The imagery is stunning, but the two stanzas seem to have a great rift between them, very different styles, and it's not feeling cohesive for me.


    • asceticverse
      January 3
      Edit | Reply
      I struggled with what to make of your comment at first, because on my first read I really did agree with you. But a portrait is supposed to show something about its subject. And in those we love we see something of ourselves, interpreted through another's vision, just as we see ourselves in a portrait. In the two stanzas I see something of past-and-present, with the first stanza showing the speaker's redemption by the subject, and the second stanza showing the unity of their love.

1 - 11 of 11