Rustic notions of the black
And seeming undefined
Cures of the lost
Beckon us forward
Through each an act
Of being alone
Conract with the
Killers unseen
Creating the immunity
To the cures
Of every tried and tamed
Dies another in the wake
Where images leave
Retained to dreams
Of the empty hole
When you are diagnosed
to die
Author notes
AIDS
M y s t i c I r o n y
A contest entry
- Writer's Block, Challenge 1 by division.
400 points, ended June 29, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Woe
That was amazing and unexpected, twisted and yet completely orgaized. I like it alot, you are an amazing poet, keep writing. -
sad and wonderous write. "cures of the lost beckon us forward" is nicely done.
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wow......
that was amazing......... i loved it.......... just really wow......... i cant believe it... im speechless......... wow...........
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an amazing poem on such an awful thing
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great read
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Wow, very raw. It truely shows what AIDS can do.
Empowering, thanks for sharing
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I can't enter your poem, as it asks me to write dirty pretty which i have never done.. but still
i'm commenting your poem
its alot nicer and good write
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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My
Young poet , such empitness and sadness in your words. bUt alas with your talent you can be a god in history.
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my boyfriend died on AIDS, and...wow. This is good, very good, It brought a tear to my eye. I love what I read here, and this piece bought me over, I am going to read more of your work, I promise. Very well done. =}
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I am probably getting a different message from this piece than you intended, but I love it. While reading it, I started thinking of all the illnesses I've been diagnosed with over the years and all the specialist and medicine changes I've been through. The part I really loved was the following:
Creating the immunity
To the cures
Of every tried and tamed
Dies another in the wake
Often I feel that my medicine starts to make me sicker than I already and I may die in it's wake.
This is my favorite type of write, void puncts. void rhymes,
your own style and your own imagination, which I think is fascinating! -
very nice
it is a very well piece keep them coming and also thanks a million for sharing I will be reading you again
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Title (how it pulls a reader in): 9/10
Content: 15/20
Originality: 20/20
Emotion: 10/10
Imagery: 8/10
Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
Prompt: 20/20
Overall: 92/100
Comments:
Thank you for entering your piece quickly! OK, well, I do like the title, but I am not the biggest fan of the period before "lost". I know it is meant to express more emotion, but I think if you edit that out, it would look much better. Usually when you see something like .this., I think it puts on a dirty pretty stereotype, so I think I would just stick to the one period at the end. Just my opinion.
While I do like the message and your emotion, I found the flow to be a little rough here and there and I was kind of lost. Such as the first stanza: "Rustic notions of the black
And seemiing undefined
Cures of the lost
Beckon us forward"
I liked this stanza, but you lost me after undefined. Do you mean that the undefined is with the "cures of the lost, beckon us foward"?
Other than that, I thought this poem was pretty good. I really liked this stanza in particular:
"Creating the immunity
To the cures
Of every tried and tamed
Dies another in the wake"
I LOVED that part. I found so much feeling, passion, and emotion put into that stanza. Great job on your part!
Lastly, this was a great write! Please don't be mad over my C.C. Since this is the competition, I am going to be just a little tougher! Great job and good luck! -
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its alright i do understand that and i meant to edit that period out. my bad. and the undefinded was supposed to go on the next line i just didnt know how to make it go there without totally screwing up the whole thing. sorry i was in a bit of a hurry when i wrote. and i was upset.
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No, don't be sorry! I love this poem! Don't ever apologize for your work. It's your personal expression
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well i was more or less apologizing for the grammer and not removed periods at the beginning that were supposed ot dissapear that still wont.. i was haveing a really bad day that day.. my bf and his mother were in the hospital.
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