I summoned Tlaloc
Raised up my hands and offered my child
as life dripped down my cheeks in this awkward reception
so did all qualms, all blunders, all victories.
Conquests flowed from my blood and dripped like the rain
the downpour continued,
as he devoured all my years past.
I looked up to the sky and asked…
But what of my failures? Where do they reside?
I gazed at my bleeding hands and realized
Ah… yes… here is my wisdom…
Arms cast to the sky, I evoked his spirit
But the lines cross my palm called to the oracle
as she told me only of … my past…
And the cracks of my palm
was how she predicted-my prophecy.
Author notes
Rewrite 6/2/09
I did a few more cut backs and worked on some wording issues. I think the edits help the fluidity of the piece and makes the lines read stronger... I still would love some constructive criticism.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Hmmm very interesting, I quite like it (:
Keep writing!
x -
Sorry for the lengthy response. I’m still recovering from this back injury. I wanted to make sure I gave this my full attention. I’m a little confused to say the least. I actually had to look up whom or what a “Tlaloc” was, lol. My first real trouble spot is the underlining definition of “life” in the first stanza. I feel that it’s too vague to make a coherent distinction to any kind of imagery. Overall, the choice of diction really creates a lot of stagnation in this poem; it's like putting a cinderblock over an ant pile. It probably won’t kill them, but it will definitely slow them down. That’s kind of what I feel is happening when the reader gets stuck on these little nit-picks. In the next stanza, I run into the same problem with “conquest.” I think a more literal alternative might work better in the last two stanzas as well. Maybe something like, “Pushing my bleeding hands against the sky?” It’s a very question heavy introspection to say the least. What did the oracle tell you? Are you going to do anything to change this prophecy?
-
But the lines cross my palm called to the oracle
as she told me only of … my past…
I think in the 1st line you need "But the lines that cross my palm call to the oracle." Tense seems off with the way it's written.
what of my failures? Where do they reside? Great inquiry, here.
I will look up Tlaloc; I'm interested in cultural
folklore, myth, truth, et al.
The way this reads to me I cannot place this into the finalists; however, if you should truly agree with my assessment and edit, let me know; I'll reread.
Always,
liquid
-
-
Yes, I plan on editing this actually... lets see if I get it updated in time. I always re-write and re-write my pieces... a poets work is never done..lol
-
-
as for the line "cross my palm" I think I will just opt out of the contest because I can't take changing it as the way it reads serves a double meaning... the colloquial read of "across my hands" and the reference to the cross in the lines is the double representation I want here. I want to thank you very much for tending to my muse. I really needed a push. Please keep me posted on your other ones. I honestly do not care as much about the trophy as I do the prompts... I really need the inspiration.
-
-
-
But the lines cross my palm called to the oracle
Suggestion: Either "'cross" my palm
or "across"
Perhaps I'm missing something?
Let me know if I am.
If you edit IM with TITLE & CONTEST NAME
This has potential to be among the finalists
Thank you Poet for entering my contest: IS IT 3 HOURS
BEHIND OR 21 HOURS AHEAD with your entry PRECEDENT PROPHECY
You have a way of causing the reader to wonder about what you mean. I like the option possibilities
with
Raised up my hands and offered my child
Could be Child-within you or baby growing in your belly or child of desire, thought, et al
I gazed at my bleeding hands and realized
Ah… yes… here is my wisdom…
This alluded to the stigmata for me
Images.
Interesting
Best wishes
liquid
-
-
Thank you for your cometary. Well thought and helpful as usual. I did mean "cross" because I was referring to palm reading techniques and the lines that cross usually signify bad omens and difficulties in life.
"If you edit IM with TITLE & CONTEST NAME" what do you mean? Did I miss a step?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
