Every heart beats in time
With another
Every heart
Except for mine
Author notes
1, write me a poem about emptiness
A contest entry
- PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1023 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lots of Options. :) Come check it out! by FightOffYourDemons.
400 points, ended September 4, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any ideas on how I can flesh this out more and make it stronger?
Comments
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I don't know about this. I mean i don't mind a short poem now and then infact they sometimes make the greatest ones but this one was too short maybe.
Maybe it was that it seems so cliche that you would have to expand on it with freshness to make it seem less that way.
Sorry for the criticism and thanks for entering my contest.
Nikki
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the criticism is met with thanks. you've given me something to think about.
Mel
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Wow, you've poured emptiness and heartbreak into twelve words, and really made a poetic impact. And you've managed to rhyme it, which gives it a nice feel of closure at the end. My only suggestions would be to play with the caplitalization at the beginning of each line—I think the read would be smoother if the second line of each stanza wasn't capitalized. You also might want to try the effect of placing the second stanza in parenthesis, almost as an afterthought, and see what happens. Just my opinions, though... Thanks for sharing—I enjoyed!
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fwshh...
this was heartbreakingly beautiful.
good write..
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