drink moonlight. Slide it between your lips
as dawn breaks
and the echoes off the pond are
fading
. let it rest on your tongue
like birdsong, let it
fall away
as you dream of deeper things.
a poem written on rice-paper.
and ink is sour, is it not?
bitter, as mulberries
& blackberries from hedgerows;
pick them at midnight, at four am,
invisible amongst the thorns.
Blacken your lips
beneath the moon.
A contest entry
- Apply Within by Allyce May.
1830 points, ended June 4, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites. for my favorites ONLY. by sideways hourglass.
463 points, ended October 30, 59 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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WOW.
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the finish emphasizes this whole thing beautifully.
the poem just sort of throws itself at you,
like a crazy-good drawing does when the artist is amazing.
the poem sort of radiates a colour. i'm not sure what it is, but it's beautiful.
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It's about history. Or memory, I suppose. How when something's just happened, 'dawn breaks/and the echoes off the pond are / fading', you treasure and savour it, but as time passes that memory gets buried and forgotten 'as you dream of deeper things.' How, no matter how much we might /mean/ to remember the lesson we learnt, after a while it gets bitter and we're happy to consume it, hide it away in the dark of night. The penultimate line reminds us, though, that we'll always carry its stain.
thankyou <3
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i'm being nit-picky, but the period starting in line five was awkward for me. other than that? the content rocks. i love it.
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I read this a couple of days ago, and I can honestly say that I have thought about it since. Something in this poem lingers. Admittedly, there are parts that I do not find aesthetically appealing, for example, the random positioning of that full stop prior "let" and "and".
The only other issue I have is that the beginning and end of the poem both mention the moon and lips, yet the two ideas do not seem to correlate solidly enough. I'd remove "slide it between your lips" and tinker with the last line.
What I did love about this poem was its originality. I was impressed by the notion of blackening lips and berries. It's sensual but subtle also, and it demands attention. I like that.
Also liked the pond, the birdsong, and the rice-paper - all so delicate.
A beautiful poem.
Thanks for sharing
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I really enjoyed where you took this prompt, Poet. Very impressive, indeed. The moonlight beckons us all, it seems...we artistic types. 
Yes, ink can be bitter...ahhh, but rice paper (& parchment) are ultimately lovely...their blank faces call to me so often...& answer, I must. Good luck in Allyce's contest. A very worthy entry, in my opinion.
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