Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

history





drink moonlight. Slide it between your lips
as dawn breaks
and the echoes off the pond are
fading
. let it rest on your tongue
like birdsong, let it
fall away
as you dream of deeper things.
a poem written on rice-paper.
and ink is sour, is it not?
bitter, as mulberries
& blackberries from hedgerows;
pick them at midnight, at four am,
invisible amongst the thorns.
Blacken your lips
beneath the moon.







A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Ryno
    October 27
    Edit | Reply
    WOW.


  • sighingflosser.
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    the finish emphasizes this whole thing beautifully.
    the poem just sort of throws itself at you,
    like a crazy-good drawing does when the artist is amazing.

    the poem sort of radiates a colour. i'm not sure what it is, but it's beautiful.


    • Macey Muse
      October 26
      Edit | Reply
      It's about history. Or memory, I suppose. How when something's just happened, 'dawn breaks/and the echoes off the pond are / fading', you treasure and savour it, but as time passes that memory gets buried and forgotten 'as you dream of deeper things.' How, no matter how much we might /mean/ to remember the lesson we learnt, after a while it gets bitter and we're happy to consume it, hide it away in the dark of night. The penultimate line reminds us, though, that we'll always carry its stain.

      thankyou <3


  • sideways hourglass
    October 25
    Edit | Reply
    i'm being nit-picky, but the period starting in line five was awkward for me. other than that? the content rocks. i love it.


  • Allyce May gold member
    June 3

    Edit | Reply
    I read this a couple of days ago, and I can honestly say that I have thought about it since. Something in this poem lingers. Admittedly, there are parts that I do not find aesthetically appealing, for example, the random positioning of that full stop prior "let" and "and".

    The only other issue I have is that the beginning and end of the poem both mention the moon and lips, yet the two ideas do not seem to correlate solidly enough. I'd remove "slide it between your lips" and tinker with the last line.

    What I did love about this poem was its originality. I was impressed by the notion of blackening lips and berries. It's sensual but subtle also, and it demands attention. I like that.

    Also liked the pond, the birdsong, and the rice-paper - all so delicate.

    A beautiful poem.

    Thanks for sharing


  • Night Hope gold member
    May 28
    Edit | Reply

    I really enjoyed where you took this prompt, Poet. Very impressive, indeed. The moonlight beckons us all, it seems...we artistic types. Yes, ink can be bitter...ahhh, but rice paper (& parchment) are ultimately lovely...their blank faces call to me so often...& answer, I must. Good luck in Allyce's contest. A very worthy entry, in my opinion.



1 - 6 of 6