I’ve had a bastard of a day,
I should have stayed in bed,
Instead of facing skies of grey,
That pissed down on my head.
My wife, she left and took my stuff,
To be with her new love.
She said I wasn’t man enough
To be her snuggle dove.
It’s like a boot right up my ass,
Be fine if it were not,
The dyke who runs her yoga class,
More man than me she’d got.
So moving on, so it would seem,
No worse could be my day,
Until I reached for pile cream,
Instead I’d grabbed Bengay.
I hopped and howled and bathed my ass
With tears in my eyes
Such burning pain that spread in mass,
And blistered with my cries
To ambulance ‘please be discreet’
‘Of course, we’re here to care’
On a gurney through the street,
My bare ass in the air
Neighbours giggled, pointed out,
My ass like a baboon
As cameras flashed amidst the shouts,
My shame complete by noon
Facebook, Myspace and Youtube,
And then the news at five
Reporting scandal, sex and boobs,
And all they could contrive.
To say I’ve had a shitty day,
An understatement true
But trouble always finds a way,
In threes instead of two
Later I got home to see,
A letter on my floor
To say I’d won the lottery,
10 million and more
Joyous, leaping in the air,
I bust my stitches wide
My ass fell out through rectal tear,
I passed out as I cried.
I fell and bounced from wall to see,
The floor rush to my head
The day I won the lottery,
The day I woke up dead…
OH CRAP!!!!
Author notes
To any fellow Brits: Bengay is an American version of Deep Heat & a Gurney is a Stretcher...
To any lesbians, I apologise for the use of the word Dyke, no offense intended, just couldn't get lesbian into the flow of the piece...
Pic by Fritz & Budd... 
A contest entry
- Anything Funny! by XxLoverOfDarknessxX.
650 points, ended June 27, 30 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE ME LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PW WELCOME!!! by The cliche typo.
400 points, ended July 14, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Absolute, Most Funniest Pre-Write! by XxLoverOfDarknessxX.
400 points, ended July 21, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FUNNY POETRY!!! by skilter.
575 points, ended September 1, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - NOTHING BUT FUNNY by no more name.
1050 points, ended October 3, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wacky Poetry Contest by Florida Sunshine.
700 points, ended November 4, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Funny Funny Funny!!! by funnybone.
800 points, ended October 18, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make Me Laugh My Socks Off! by LonelyAngel.
900 points, ended November 7, 115 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
-
funny write indeed dear poet!!! reminds me of the alanis morrissette song IRONIC lol..
had me laughing my socks off!! well done and good luck in my contest
-
The imagery you can convey with words is uncanny. Somewhere amongst the stanzas I began with the song "So you had a bad day" playing in the back of my mind. A guy who feels he's lost everything ~ finally to win the lottery and then die~ This is another entertaining read.
Fritz, thank you so much for entering the contest ~ Truly it is a pleasure to read your work. -
Chuckle
This was great. I loved the ending. Very funny write.
-
Blew my stiches
I had just come home from the hospital
fom a hernia removal operation and guess what?? Your poem is hilarious mate
5 stars 4 this.
-
Excellent poem... made me laugh all the way through. This a sign of true talent...What a painful way to die... LOL... my butt hasn't relaxed yet. Thanks for entering the contest.
-
FRITZ!
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WROTE THIS TOO!!!
HAHAHA AWESOME... YOU WON BOTH 1ST AND 2ND PLACE. -
he he lol, funny as I am editing Humor Extraviganza and an adding you to the finalists list
-
HAHAHA excellent. I have a very good Welch friend, so alot of your wordage I could see and feel. Great write, rhythm and flow..... best of all you made me laugh!
........... I couldn't imagine the pain of having my 'ass fall out through rectal tear' but you sure penned it so i could feel every painful second, haha that was fantastic!
Good luck in my contest! -
This Is awesome and very clever, a real pleasure to read I wish you luck
-
lol this was hilarious!
I loved it! WOW! keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
-
FINALIST LIST
hahahha woooooow -
omg! this was hilarious!!! i couldn't stop laughing as i read this! keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest!
-
Oh my lordy! This is 1st class!!! I had to come to find about about snuggle dove! Wasn't overly sure I wanted to know when Mariana told me..lol. But glad I did, this is so funny...just the kinda luck I would expect to have any given day of the week
And oppsie, I seem to remember that pic....
And excellent piece, well written! All the best in the contest but sure looks golden to me bro! 
-
-
Told ya Sis!...our ickle Bruv, 'snuggle dove' really hit the jackpot with this one!
I lubbers yew loads!
PS/....I love the new pic. You
-
-
But snuggly dove!
Hehe thanks
-
-
-
That was too funny
-
LOL I don't think it could get
any worse...
Great write!
Thank you for sharing
and best wishes in the contest!
~Pastel
-
Haha brilliant Oh hun you are a card and a half
What a day indeed
It would make you want to weep and laugh at the same time.
Well done loved it
Keep them coming
Julie x
-
that day would suck huh?? the author notes were helpful for my friends that just read ur poem. great write
-
PMSL...this is brilliant Mr Snuggle Dove
You 
Mariana
-
*LMAO* Yep turn the sexes around and that would be my luck...a great laugh to start another work day.. thankie for this ... big big grin...and another laughin my ass off... if you forgive the pun *LMAO*
-
Wow dear thats another great piece of work
Full of darknes and black humor of the kind
-
lol - it's an arse of a life, still at least you won the lottery and for a brief few moments there was joy, we can't take possession with us, but we can take emotions, and a burning arse might remain. funny poem.
-
Oh damn!
Thats a very bad day.
This had me in stitches.
Loved it bro amazing and funny yet so sad at the same time.
Keep the ink flowing
fire
-
I will make some cyber brownies and send asap
man this is funny errr sad {blush} does this mean all your sistas get the money huh????
-
Things going very good down there in the southlands then Fritz, I am so glad. For a bad moment I thought things were changing for ya. This is great, just a normal day at the office. Sheila
-
LMAO, this is hysterical and I absolutely loved it, and am ever so grateful for the laughs.
-
wicked dude
this is hilarious......great flow
laughed all the way through
nice one fritz
xxx
-
WELL DONE!!
you
LMAO..
and you know that is sooo true
that is how life is
funny but true
and love the dyke part
Rocked it as alawys
Thanks for the share
Darky
Adding your comment:
1 - 29 of 29
