Little girls
fly on a breeze
of love of God
and family.
They do not know
in any way
that what they do
could end someday
in a lethal move
from Mama's hands.
Not any child
could understand
just what was happening.
Why the pain?
Didn't Mommy love her?
Oh God, the pain!!!
Her small, short life
flashed before her eyes.
"Mommy, stop that,"
"or I'm gonna die!!!"
A contest entry
- Rest In Piece- Caylee Marie Anthony by Shannon62875.
565 points, ended June 19, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
The very best part of this is the first stanza:
Little girls
fly on a breeze
of love of God
and family.
So lyrical, so lovely. For that, clappies
In fact, the first three stanzas are very well done, except I would change third stanza thusly to match the meter of the first stanza:
"Little girls
fly on a breeze
of love of God
and family.
They do not know
in any way
that what they do
could end someday
in LETHAL MOVES
from Mama's hands.
Not any child
could understand"
"Of God, the pain!!!" -- did you mean the pain "of God?" Or did you mean "Oh god, the pain"?
(Additional note -- extra exclamation marks detract from this piece. We get the emotion from your words -- trust me )
The meter of the last two stanzas is kind of rough (based on what seems to be your intent to rhyme). Could just be this reader's interpretation, though.
Again, I so love the first stanza.
Lilac Moon
-
Very sad
This is what sin is.
-
WOW!!!
That was very good... I just cant imagine what was going through her little mind of hers when her own mom was doing that....
Great write.. keep up the great work and good luck in my contest!!
Shannon*Leah
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