Sometimes my life is like a Sunday ride
Beneath a blue and white hot air balloon
The beauty of the sights is undenied
But there may be a bumpy landing soon
It's not too late to join me on the flight
The cares of life will wait another day
While you and I are drifting through the night
The worries down below may fade away
To touch the sky you have to leave the ground
And not give in to fears of the unknown
From high above my life I may have found
The castle in the air I want to own
It's highs and lows that make the living sweet
Give me the chance to sweep you off your feet
In a list
A contest entry
- Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
I've never flown in a hot air balloon
My tolerance of heights has gone with age
I've no desire to walk upon the moon
I get my kicks from fiction's printed page
But your balloon's a metaphor for love
Which often sweeps us, giddy, through the air
And makes us wish to touch the clouds above
Freeing the aged heart from heavy care
So I appreciate your quaint conceit
The risky life is one we should embrace
Not plod along the earth with heavy feet
But feel the stratosphere upon our face.
Congratulations on the fine bronze cup
I'm glad to see that your balloon's gone up!
-
100% Greenian, and never mind Shakespeare. It's also another fine example of "Ronseal" poetry (to let Vera in on our personal banter, that means a poem that "does exactly what it says on the tin"). It's also "Not bad" (Vera, that's the highest compliment in Jeff's language).
Now that point about swapping the second and third quatrain - yes, that would, if anything, do what it says on the tin with frills! Fine idea! Mind you, that only serves to convince me that you are a CGI yourself, and all your stuff comes from a clever programme!
Congratulations on the little brown jug.
-
Hi, congratulations on the shiny trophy, very nice sonnet. Di
-
I like this one ...
just as it is, but I suspect I'd like it better the way Vera's suggested.
In any case, good job and good luck in the contest.
-
I feel a great sense of calm washing over me.
Write On!
jIM
-
This is a pleasant piece... A well-wrought sonnet with a good grasp of the form and how to make it "work" to enhance the meaning. Having said that, I have noticed something remarkable.
As arranged at present, you have an effective volta - moving from prosaic earth to the "castle in the air". BUT, if you reverse the order of stanzas 2 and 3 you get an equally effective sonnet but with a different volta... now moving from something entirely ego-centric to an invitation to some "other" to join the speaker on the flight. As such it becomes a love-poem or even an allusive proposal of marriage. VERY remarkable. -
-
wow what brilliant feedback. I am actually learning- maybe there is hope for a person like me afterall who has been a poet benchwarmer for the past five years. Time for me to step up to the plate!
-
That is a very good idea!
I shall look at it again after the end of your contest.
-
-
You'll never get me up in one of those damn things. (Not to worry - looks like you got my sister and my cousin up there, so that ought to keep you quite for a bit.)
-
aww....
take me away in your beautiful balloon
Love,
Amera
-
Hm. 'Please tell me honestly what you think, good or bad.' - you know no one will think anything bad.
Good ending.
-
I love the view, Englishman...
love, lane
-
Thats such a calm thingy..
-
Interesting piece you penned here.. a castle in the sky huh? Interesting...I will settle for my hideaway,
thanks for this lovely ride
Love you
Tory
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
